So many roads to ease my soul

I am really going to town here - two posts in the morning (the previous one says 12-30, but I did almost all of it today) - but I am in this wicked sleep pattern now where I wake up after 6 hours and can't get back to sleep. I am due for a major crash, but thankfully the weekend is here and our house hasn't washed away in the rain, not yet anyways.

I tried various titles for this blog, but stuck with this one - one of my favorite GD songs ever. Of course, with all the driving I do, I experience a lot of literal roads, but it goes much deeper than that for me.

I was there to see the first time the Dead performed it live at the Oakland Coliseum - I want to say it was early 1992 but I am not a date encyclopedia the way BL is. When I read the actual real life interpretation of the song lyrics I was a bit disappointed - apparently it deliberately references a bunch of quotes from old songs (as in KC Moan, Ain't that a Shame)as a tribute to old classic blues musicians like Lead Belly. So again - forget about what Hunter was trying to do when he wrote (I initially typed "road") it, what I care about is MY identification with the song.

I heard some fans outside in line once saying it was the ultimate addiction recovery song and I think that is true. BL provided me a CD version where Garcia makes it a point to say "heal my soul" instead of "ease my soul" at the end where he repeats it over and over, Van Morrison style as pointed out in a song review. To me that is what the song is about - healing. There is a lot of pain that is addressed in the song at various points, but the idea of So Many Roads to me is that there are many ways to try to heal one's pain. There is the path of destructive addiction, unfortunately, the path Garcia ultimately took that contributed to his own demise. We can try to medicate in unhealthy ways, through addictive drugs, alcohol, unhealthy sexual relationships, or we can do it in more positive and beneficial ways - through prayer, self-affirmation, art, productivity, and reflection. The idea to me of a numerous amount of roads is that you aren't restricted to one. If one road is blocked off, another one is always available. It may seem like an addictive path is the only way to provide relief, but give it time and when you can finally break free from it - if possible - and I believe it is - something else can step up to takes its place that is better for you. I have seen it happen with me many times and I have been lucky. It always seems to take on a supernatural quality (like the way these 6's and 9's are popping up all over the place) but everything points to it when the time is right to walk away. There is always an avenue available which is healthy and positive, as compared to the self-destructive addictive path. "If you don't, who else will" as the song says - it is something we all have to first decide before we can make it happen, and nobody else can do it for us, but they can be supportive of us when we do make that leap.

At the end of the song he mentions beautiful images "where the ice blue roses grow, along those roads of gold and silver snow" - and these to me are images of the spirit, the life force that runs through us all - the place where ultimately we can turn to when life is painful and old wounds are surfacing, a place where we can heal, experience love, joy, and inspiration - a place where all the pain and suffering and life can be set aside, where we can feel like it was all worth it after all and life really was worth living, even if it did not seem like it at times. That portion is in the last verse, and follows more of the painful feelings of lonliness mentioned earlier. It is the light at the end of the tunnel - again something that really hits home with me.

Imaginary guitar notes and imaginary vocals, exist only in the imagination of the imaginer

... and ultimately - who gives a f*ck anyway! (Frank Zappa)

This topic is about imagination. Like anything, it needs to be used in moderation. But moderation in both ways. To some degree we live "in a world of pure imagination" - like the Willy Wonka song says, and yet, there are certain realities as well. After watching the Pianist (not something I recommend before going to bed - as it will keep that from happening as it did for me) it is pretty clear that without food, water, even exposure to sunshine - bad things can happen. If you are starving, imagining you are eating can only provide limited relief and will not stave off death either if the real thing does not show up. Also - we have to work at what we want to happen - dreaming your life away, so to speak, will not pay the bills. When sinking into a depression, and the chemicals are not working in your favor, imagining you are happy will not work - the depression takes its hold, the serotonin or neurotransmitter levels are lacking, and that becomes a reality - until something comes along to stop the avalanche, either medication, or in my case - a high powered Blue Max desk lamp (damn - I can't say enough about that light).

Yet - the other extreme applies as well - not enough imagination can be just as bad as too much. There are some people I know - and I at times have fallen into this category - that somberly trudge off to work every day, do what they have to do, come home, take care of their families, are a pure slave to responsibility and allow no room for joy or spontanaiety to take place in their lives. They won't allow themselves to have fun, won't even spend money to do something nice for themselves out of fear of running out of money. That is the other extreme - and it is not good either. That is what is often referred to as walking or living death. I always have been an advocate for balance. As one who has experienced the bipolar realm, and still to this day note that my moods tend to swing from one direction to another, I try (not always successfully) to keep them from going too far in one direction.

With that said - I will say this - when the right setting is there and the body has what it needs, food, water, light, even some kind of touch contact - it is possible for imagination to do wonders. I used to love smoking marijuana to the point of being addicted. I didn't have to do it all the time, but even a couple times a week - it sent me into an amazing dream world where when I turned off the lights and played some of my favorite music, I would be flying through a beautiful world of sunset paintings and heavenly sights. I did not know such a world existed until I started getting high. But at some point, after being tired of the side effects - sore lungs, feeling scared at times, feeling burned out - I realized I had enough - but with the vision in mind from the drug experience, I know it is possible to attain that world without the drugs. When I am "in tune" so to speak, and the music comes on the stereo, or I pluck the guitar with my hands and sing - I can be in a similar state - maybe not so pronounced as when I am on drugs, but something close to the same wonder, and without the side effects. All of that is the result of imagination. I experienced that at many Grateful Dead concerts, and though I did my fair share of drugs at the concerts, some of my most profound experiences were completely sober - but still in an altered state.

Chat rooms are the result of imagination as well. People imagine they are talking to each other, imagine various images while exchanging thoughts, and the collective power of it is the appeal. My chat room though has lost its appeal because I know it so well I can IMAGINE what is happening now without even having to go in there (10 days now since I have). I started a topic on Stanley Tookie Williams - and I pretty much knew that most people were going to come in saying something to the effect of fry the bastard - and it was completely predictable when that happened. I am not a death penalty advocate, and to me it is a primitive aspect to kill someone in retribution for another killing - even if the original killing itself was wrong. Yeah I know I will feel differently if someone rapes and kills my wife, but I am not for it - and won't spend too much more time here discussing it. But anyways - I have no need to go to this place any more, because I can imagine it just as effectively as going to it. Remember my 12-23 post about the 9,666 number. Guess what - just went into Yahoo to check messages - I had 9 in the inbox, and 666 in the bulk (junk mail) - synchronistic, and maybe even a little frightening. I think some outer space alien is messing with me..

Same applies to romantic relationships. My fantasy relationship from last year existed because both of us had the power to imagine it was happening, and that reality became so strong that it affected my real life relationship here. I understood why people have affairs pretty clearly. I know my marriage was a struggle at that time, but even when things are going well - day after day - the same person for years on end, is not going to be able to provide a fairy tale existence, and falling in love with another strange new exiting person has a great appeal. Probably why so many romance novels and movies are popular as well. But imagination can work there well. You don't have to actually go out and have an affair with a real life living person to provide that spark, your own dream can be just as powerful without another person there to make it happen. You can "exist on the stars" (line from "Miracles" by Jefferson Starship - one of my favorite songs - had to rush out and buy the CD used just to hear it recently) - without literally being on the star (which would burn you to a crisp) - but you can be there in your mind. You can dream your fairly tale in your heart, and still feel the love and joy for the real life people in your household, without resenting them for not being able to make that dream happen for you. It is not up to them to provide the dream, you can do that with your own faith and imagination. As Ruiz says, it is all a dream anyways, so why not make it a happy or pleasant dream?

I actually resisted buying this light because in some sick way, my depression was comforting to me and I had a hard time letting go of it. But this light is here and my depression (though never gone for good) is back in the shadows, and allowing my imagination to come to life. It is a focused imagination - one that motivates me to do well at my job, and travel all over the place (even through pure wind and rain to Susanville yesterday - quite an un-nerving drive after driving by an overturned truck that the weather had gotten).

"If this ain't the real thing, then it's close enough to pretend."

(Saint of Circumstance)

Been down before, You just don't have to go no more

I always liked that line from Here Comes Sunshine. Like any robert Hunter lyric, it can mean a million different things, but I personally interpret it to mean - I have had enough darkness, depression and misery in my life already - and those days are over, I don't need to go through it any more. I wish that could be the case in actuality, because in real life, it always has a way of finding me eventually, but it is nice to think it any way, and it has been said that if you can think and aim for something enough, you can make it happen. Speaking of sunshine, I can't say enough about this light that is shining down on my screen now. I read in the paper that about 10 million people in this country suffer from depression through SADS, to the point that companies are actually spending money investing in lighting. In the first week of winter, I feel like it is summer time now. I am really feeling the music I sing, play, and listen to - and music to me is my avenue for prayer and experiencing some form of what is often referred to as God - and when that spiritual force is there for me, it makes everything else in my life - work, family, responsibility - much easier to bare. I look forward to working today, and I am not dreading it. Work is something to take pride in, something to make me feel good about myself, and it is an art, in the same way that music is.

By the way, one of the Four Agreements in the Ruiz book is "Don't take anything personally". Like all of them, much easier said than done, but something I am trying to put into place with someone I have to deal with on a regular basis. For the sake of argument, this setting may be an office setting, but again - only for the sake of argument. It seems to be working. I find that some people are "attention whores" (again credit Kia for introducing me to the term) who thrive on attention, even if it is negative attention - and can and will do anything to get a response from you so you can acknowledge their existence, which gives them a sense of power, even if it is only temporary. This individual was pretty good at getting a rise out of me when I was first faced with having to be around him, but once I recently realized that this was what he was trying to do with me and everyone else in this environmental setting, I discovered that I could either play the game, or realize that was his bad trip and not mine (there is a line from Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test where Ken Kesey tells a fellow hippie who is also tripping something to the extent of why should I be part of YOUR bad trip - what a classic statement!). One of life's many tests is seeing how well one can deal with a**-holes - and it definitely is an art to master, but I am working on it.

Today is Victoria's 45th birthday. She does not look 45 to me. I have always believed she is an incredibly beautiful woman, and her age definitely agrees with her. I got her a Cuisinart food processor from Costco for the occasion.

Finishing up with the lyrics I quoted - I find this to be an amazing and inspiring song, particularly the 11-30-73 version that is captured on Dick's Picks 14:

Here Comes Sunshine (Garcia/Hunter)

Wake of the flood, laughing water, forty-nine,
Get out the pans, don't just stand there dreamin'
Get out of the way, get out of the way,

Here comes sunshine, here comes sunshine.

Line up a long shot maybe try it two times, maybe more,
Good to know you got shoes to wear when you find the floor,
Why hold out for more?

Here comes sunshine, here comes sunshine.

Askin' you nice, now, keep the mother rollin'
One more time, been down before,
You just don't have to go no more, no more.

Here comes sunshine, here comes sunshine.

Take a good look around, the misfits are everywhere

from "Misfits" by Ray Davies

I have always been an outsider as far as I can remember. I come from a family of outsiders. Neither of my parents have the best social skills, and we would never win a popularity contest on our street as a family. Only my sister out of all of us had any type of popularity, and us boys were all kind of shy. I never remember having a lot of friends at any point in my life - with college being the period I had the most, and even then - I generally was drawn to fellow outsiders like myself. My guess is that most of my friends I have stayed in touch with (Youndy, Joe, John, Kirk, Rich) can relate to this in some way also. It is not easy growing up, feeling alone, feeling like everyone else out there is having fun, having dates, being a part of something while you are on the outside looking in, but looking back I would say it has its positives too. For one thing, you don't end up blindly following a herd of sheep and do whatever it takes to stay popular. Feeling rejected anyway, you learn to rely on yourself more, develop your own judgments and feelings and develop a suspicion for what is popular or "in". I take pride in feeling like I have a certain level of self-awareness that not everyone has, and that I am my own person to a degree. Then again, as a teenager I would have sold my soul to have dates, have more friends, be part of something - so I can't say it is an easy road to take, but looking back I have learned to make the best of it. One could possibly even say that we are all unique in our own way, and that when you peel apart the layers and personas people put up to face the world, that we all have our special qualities that make us an individual snowflake. Maybe so - but the way people herd together in groups - churches, political parties, cliques - sometimes it seems that to be an individual and to be accepted by others runs contrary. Even the Dead-heads - who I followed around to various concerts and events - who can be considered a large heard of misfits and outsiders - had their own in group that I never really felt to be a part of.

As an outsider, I always knew it would probably take a fellow outsider female for me to feel a connection. After I finally got my late start with the opposite sex in my mid 20's, I did not have a lot of girlfriends , but the two most "normal" (at least on the outside) ones - Bridget and Raulin - only lasted a few months. The first one was too cray to be functional, and then Karen - the one I lasted the longest with, had the same outsider qualities I did - but bad timing, personality differences, issues and conflicts brought that to an end after a couple years. She is also the only one of them I am still in touch with (even if her last e-mail to me was basically something to the extent of "piss off"). So when Victoria's June 1996 personal ad in San Diego - mentioned the Frankenstein and Steppenwolfe books, and finished with something like "too deep? too bad" I thought to myself - this is somebody I need to meet. No surprise that she has been the black sheep of her family, somebody who has always struggled to make and keep friends, someone who feels socially retarded, someone who experiences constant rejection from her peers - in other words, I feel right at home with her.

Of course - the problem with all of this - is that our daughter has inherited this same issue and we feel bad for her. The dominant social group that everyone who is anyone is a part of out here is the Christian church, and neither one of us is a part of that. Victoria has made some connections with the Pagan community, but as they are mainly based in Reno, an hour away, it has been difficult to keep that going. Sara's best friend, Tuesday, has a biker Mom who doesn't fit in too well either. Unfortunately, she likes a lot of the kids in her class, but the Moms for the most part have labeled us in the "You're Not One of Us" category and given us the cold shoulder. This brings up the unfortunate argument of us being isolated out here, and Victoria's wish to be closer to her family - the same family that she moved away from back in 1992 because they always saw her as a freak, saw her as a shocking insult to their view of Hispanic culture and values. They never even visited her when she had her own place, because in their view you don't live alone - you either stay with your parents, or get married. Maybe her thinking is that now that she is in a family situation, they will be more accepting of her. The reality is - my job is here, our house is here - and though the midwest may have its charm and appeal to some, I am not one of them - and this presents us with the what are we doing out here when are we going to move ongoing debate which I will not get into here.

So anyways - this Christmas - also the same day as Chanukah, we decided to do something different. As our own families were out of the picture, and every year we see everyone visiting on Christmas while we spend it alone, this year we decided to have a little gathering at our house. We actually cleaned up a little (meaning take all the junk in the outside living room, throw it into all the bedrooms and shut the doors).

There were three different groups of people who came by to our little party (I won't present their names to protect the innocent). There was 1) our friends in Carson City (the same ones I sent the little warning e-mail to about fighting as a couple and letting their kids run wild and out of control). By the way - there has been no direct comment on that message, but seeing that they are getting along much better (at least in front of us which is all we care about) and their kids seem to be almost border line behaving now - they seem to have gotten the message. But anyways - nobody would ever accuse them of being in. The Mom spends most of her time with a classic nasal Jewish voice talking about rashes and allergies, the Dad is obsessed with not spending a dime - not even to the point of hygiene - and they look like a family of homeless people who broke into a nice home and decided to live there. The point being - they are not winning any popularity contests either - the reason we seem to see more of them than anyone else out here. 2) The little Russian family down the street - the two grandparents are very charming, but barely speak English. The twice divorced and pretty young Mom seems to be drawn to abusive men and her son is out of control and almost strangled Sara at Halloween. 3) Another Jewish family on our block where the boy is autistic, and the parents seem to be struggling to emotionally survice - the Mom was absent from the gathering. The Dad - has kind of an abrasive personality and he bragged about being a fanatical member of the conservative right.

So in short - this was the gathering of misfits yesterday at our house for the holidays - where a group of people came together who might normally have spent the holiday alone. We had a CD with Hava Nagilah on it where we actually started a 5 person circular Jewish dance in the somewhat crammed living room. The Russian grandfather, who can barely speak English - (he reminds me of the star of the "Life is Beaautiful" holocaust film) - his eyes lit up when the song came on and he seemed to be quite a competent dancer for this music and he led the circle. I brought out my guitar and the Carson City homeless appearing man played piano and we sang some songs together - Imagine, Let it Be, Tuesday Afternoon among others - and overall - as Christmas goes, it was one of the more memorable and positive ones I can remember.

All you can do is the best you can

Okay - after always quoting someone else, I am finally drawing from one of my own songs - but granted, I am not the first person to think of this idea. I probably was not even the first person to think of this word combination, but having just run a Google search and finding no exact matches, who knows - maybe I am onto something. It is one of the "Four Agreements" in Don Ruiz's book as well - always do your best. Today my accomplishment for the day was figuring out how to get a stubborn little particle out of my disposal. I tried everything - could not see it - then finally used an internet suggestion of running ice through it and that seemed to at least isolate the thing to the point that I could grab it and pull it out (with the disposal turned off at least). Another reason to stay away from my addictive website - as long as I am there, I will not do the best I can - for my company, for my family, and I have not even peaked in the comments section there for almost 3 whole days now. Just a matter of starting new habits, and this time - "I got no chance of losing this time". Like the song I mentioned a little earlier says "The wife of Lott got turned to salt because she looked behind her". So if I don't look back, I won't get sucked in - to put it bluntly. Easier said than done - but so far so good.

Thanks to everyone who reads this on a regular basis - even if I don't know you are doing that. Once in a while someone tells me that they read this and unlike Mr. Liver who always lets me know, most of you don't - but I appreciate you keeping up with me, regardless of that.

I had a nice guitar session in my yard - almost spring weather here - and I just learned Shine on You Crazy Diamond - thanks to a lyric/chord website, and that almost works as well as Wish You Were Here (the title song from the same PF album) that it is on - and mixing it in with a couple of my recent personals, it just felt good to be out there, with Zukey faithfully beside me.

My mood seems to be a little better, even if my significant still seems to struggle with the perceived isolation out here. I have been isolated all my life, so I actually prefer it. Going in to the Meadowwood mall yesterday (definitely not my choice) two days before Christmas ("in Hell" - one of my old original compositions) makes me realize how depressing I find it to be in a crowd of people. I always feel like I can breathe again when I hit the 395 south from Reno toward Washoe Valley and make my way into the countryside. I like the air and space to breathe, and I just don't want or need a crowd of people around me the way she does. Talk again today about her heading to Chicago for an indefinite time period to be with her family - and if that is what she needs to do - far be it from me to stop her. All I know is that my job and the countryside that I love are both here, and this is where I belong. Speaking of my job - sometimes I take certain things for granted - but there really is an amazing feeling about cranking out an estimate and diagram at someone's house, loading up the digital pictures to the website, and seeing it fly out when I am connected into the people's hands who will use it to pay a claim. When so many things can go wrong that keep this process from happening, and I have experienced them first hand - it is really quite a miracle to see it when it works. It is almost like seeing music be created and has an artistic feeling to it. I take pride in it when I see it happen, and the bottom line is, as much as I may bitch about the pressure from time to time, I am really one of the few people who can really and sincerely say he likes what he does for a living.

Well - two days from now until my favorite holiday - the day after Christams - the day that all of the horrible Kenny G and Christmas music mercifully gives us a break for about 300 days, the day that days start to get longer instead of shorter, and I treasure this day the way most people treasure the dreaded day itself.

I got the six

(from a ZZ Top song with that title)

Addictions - by their stated nature - are not easy to overcome. I have improved over last year - for certain - but I have had my relapses and I know I can do better. I can't make promises - because then I set my self up to failure. For the most part, I stayed off IM for most of the last half of the year, and my time on Gasbuddy.com was much less than before - but I have been guilty of falling off the wagon there too. I never knew how consuming a website can be. Involved chat rooms are like soap operas where everyone's dark side of their personality is free to roam unchecked, without anyone there to physicallly punch you in the face. People really get out of control there in a way that is kind of frightening, and develop fantasy "friends" and "enemies" of people they have often never met or spoken to.

I have reached a milestone though now. In a near two year period 9,666 posts there. That is an average of 13 posts a day. Quite a bit of time to be there. When you factor in the time I was off altogether, that means there were times I was on there for hours. But after all this time - the magic number has arrived. As numbers go (and I am not a numerologist per se) this is a powerful one. Never mind the sexual aspect of the palindrome portion, although that is a factor - but when that is combined with the 666 - the number of the beast - it is almost a "Sexy Beast" (the name of a movie starring Ben Kingsley) and a perfect representation of addictions, how consuming they are, how destructive they are. But this is quite some motivation - this is the only time I can arrive at this number or anything like it - unless I wait until 99,666 comes around - which would be decades at my current rate. I walked the dog with this number in mind, and the wind was blowing under a grey sky, and I realized how powerful a number can be. And how synchronistic was it that I looked down at my trip odometer yesterday (resets every 10,000 miles and I am almost at 50,000 on the 04 company Chevy Colorado) and low and behold - the number coming back from Bishop yesterday when I glanced down: 9,9666.6. Talk about synchronicity - how freaky is that? Sure - it is not the exact number - an extra 9 at the beginning and extra 6 at the end, but I saw it as a sign for sure.

Call it ignorant superstition, but I really believe this number is trying to tell me something. And just in time for New Year's resolutions. My last time I cut out of there I was at 8,666 so I see this as a definite sign - time to move on to better things. Post gas prices, and gas prices only, and get the hell out of there. So - not making any promises to anyone, but this is my motivation to break this particular addiction for once and for all. And if numbers mean anything, I think now my chances are as good as ever.

Picassa Moon

First writing from the latest laptop my company has provided me since my last batch of blue screens. I am a pro at swapping data. I go to HP to download the printer and scanner software, and the rest goes to zip drive and CD's. I am losing track, but I think it has been close to 10 I have gone through in the last few years. I am either cursed or it has been some kind of program I bring on that it does not like. Last time it freaked out it seemed to be stuck on the "Hello" program by "Picassa" for uploading photos onto the blog. I don't know why you can't just cut and paste photos here, instead this somewhat bizarre program pops up constantly, and lets you know every time you are on line. It is a shot in the dark , but for now - no more photos here and hopefully the blue screen will be gone for at least a few days any way.

One of those true to life dreams I had the other night - my mother and wife were getting into a vicious verbal altercation here in Dayton, somewhere off the main street here in town. I remember my wife in a very frustrated angry voice saying something like it was just a joke. Then I informed my mother I could not be a part of her life any more if she was going to do continue to act this way, which in essence was a dream summary of the real life events of this year... Later on in the dream, we were all in a glass house and my family (parents, etc) were getting ready to take a family walk to watch a sunset near some cliffs. The weather was freezing cold and I knew I could not be a part of the gathering. That part kind of reminds me of one of the Mammoth trips - the last one when all of us were there - when many there was trying so hard to pretend that we were a close family. In my experience, the more something is pretended, the more apparent that it is not the case and that is very depressing to me. Most likely this is the reason I cannot be around my family for any portion of time, although one on one with a family member seems to go okay.

Speaking of depression, mine comes and goes. We are down to about 9 hours and 25 minutes of daylight. This light helps, but I can't always be around it - and on days on the road when the weather is gloomy, it still gets to me. Nasty freezing fog has been the theme this week. The light has not caused a complete turn around in mood, but I think it has definitely helped. My normal winter cold has arrived as well.

I started the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. He is a genius. What he says makes so much sense. If only more of us could follow that way of life.

To give me just a little sweetness, just a little light

From "Just a Little Light"

(In case it isn't clear, every lyric quoted here is a Grateful Dead song unless otherwise stated)

Ever since coming to Nevada, I have noticed a change in mood right around November to December, but it goes back further than that. My manic switch to a suicidally inclined depression was around the same time, 20 years ago, so this is nothing new. My pattern is that late summer/early fall is a time of joy, and then I come crashing down right around daylight non-savings time come around. I have really learned to appreciate being outside in this mountainous desert area, and in the summer with my guitar and view of the mountains from the yard, it is a perfect setting to use my music to meditate and access my spiritual side. When it is too cold and dark to do that, I always feeling like one of my coping tools is taken away, which can be very difficult for me.

So - this year - I decided after two weeks of feeling miserable to try something different - and I ordered a SADS light - from a site (I hate to be a pimp, but this is worth pimping - and I get no comission at all from this) called Full Spectrum Solution. I had never heard of this site, but they are the first site that comes up when you GOOGLE the words SADS (maybe Google has some agreement with them). But anyways - it is like a foot long florescent light fixture that you can either use as a desk lamp, or you can buy a full 6 foot high self supporting one. Like anyone, I had my skepticism, but when you are desperate you are willing to try anything.

All I can say - at this point - after about 6 days of it - is it really seems to work. I don't know how or why (the booklet that comes with it says something about the pineal gland) but yesterday I had it on and while playing my guitar in the evening, I felt like I was in the back yard all over again - that same feeling of spirit and joy that has driven me to play guitar and sing over a 20 year time period (even if I do it an amateur level). I may not be a technical musical wizard, and I make plenty of mistakes and sing plenty of out of key notes, but the feeling is there for me and that is why I do it. So - may be too soon to come to conclusions, but after a couple weeks of feeling pretty miserable toward the end of November - I feel much better. It is like the depression has lifted - the same way the anxiety lifts after taking a Kava pill. I find emotions are like avalanches or whirlwinds and if something does not snap you out of it, you get more and more out of control and last weekend just to go shopping with the family was a major effort for me. Today is Sara's birthday and I feel rejuventated again, so this is at the right time.

Bottom line - if you can relate to anything I am saying here - buy this lamp. $171.00 including shipping isn't exactly cheap, but considering the cost of feeling happy vs. miserable - it is worth it.

Why does the blue screen of death follow me everywhere I go

Just wondering - I switch laptops every few months and it always seems to follow me - one way or another. Last pattern is that it locks up and keeps re-booting and blue screening me at a certain point, and then fixes itself and says it has recovered from a serious error. This has happened 3 times now in the last two months, first when I made a copy of a CD, then when I may have opened a suspicious e-mail, and finally when the desk support people were helping me change my passwords. I ask the support guys if this is normal, and their blunt answer is - it is very unusual. So is it me? Am I cursed? Does it not like some of the streaming I do on the radio sites? Not like the photo program for this blog? I thought it was Instant Messenger for a while (a program which is the devil in disguise in my opinion) but after a brief relapse before being set straight by one of my friends, I am off of that once again too - and it still keeps happening. Last night as I lay awake in a nauseous semi-conscious non-sleeping state, I realized that a lot of stuff in life happens just to let us know we are completely out of control and at the mercy of a whole bunch of stuff we can't control, from computers, to the weather, and traffic lights. Gave me an idea for another song...

Thanks Uncle Dan!! 

Yesterday I begged you before I hit the ground

(China Doll song)

Sounds a little dramatic, but I am on the ground again. I would not necessarily call it a full blown depression per se, but the dark days seem to do that to me - snap me out of any temporary period of even a trace of mania. It was a definite limited mania in that I was sleeping well and doing my job, but I was feeling pretty good right around late summer through October, feeling the presence of a higher power with me - feeling connected - and even then knowing I was "bound to fall" (Like a Rolling Sone) because after a while you just know you aren't going to feel good forever, so even bracing myself for it, it is always a bit of a shock when it happens. Now I alternate between feeling grounded and depressed, and if there is not a lot of daylight on a particularly gloomy day like Monday when it snowed all day, then it can feel pretty strong. But - the light should be on its way. The next thing to do is brace myself for the massive winter claims workload, but that has not arrived quite yet. The trick spiritually is to try to keep that faith in God or the higher power, even when life around you is not screaming out with the presence of it, "searching for the sound" when you cannot specifically hear it so to speak - take advantage of the few hours of daylight and appreciate them when they are there. So - off to walk the dog and if I see God outside walking his, I will be sure to say hi.