Take a good look around, the misfits are everywhere

from "Misfits" by Ray Davies

I have always been an outsider as far as I can remember. I come from a family of outsiders. Neither of my parents have the best social skills, and we would never win a popularity contest on our street as a family. Only my sister out of all of us had any type of popularity, and us boys were all kind of shy. I never remember having a lot of friends at any point in my life - with college being the period I had the most, and even then - I generally was drawn to fellow outsiders like myself. My guess is that most of my friends I have stayed in touch with (Youndy, Joe, John, Kirk, Rich) can relate to this in some way also. It is not easy growing up, feeling alone, feeling like everyone else out there is having fun, having dates, being a part of something while you are on the outside looking in, but looking back I would say it has its positives too. For one thing, you don't end up blindly following a herd of sheep and do whatever it takes to stay popular. Feeling rejected anyway, you learn to rely on yourself more, develop your own judgments and feelings and develop a suspicion for what is popular or "in". I take pride in feeling like I have a certain level of self-awareness that not everyone has, and that I am my own person to a degree. Then again, as a teenager I would have sold my soul to have dates, have more friends, be part of something - so I can't say it is an easy road to take, but looking back I have learned to make the best of it. One could possibly even say that we are all unique in our own way, and that when you peel apart the layers and personas people put up to face the world, that we all have our special qualities that make us an individual snowflake. Maybe so - but the way people herd together in groups - churches, political parties, cliques - sometimes it seems that to be an individual and to be accepted by others runs contrary. Even the Dead-heads - who I followed around to various concerts and events - who can be considered a large heard of misfits and outsiders - had their own in group that I never really felt to be a part of.

As an outsider, I always knew it would probably take a fellow outsider female for me to feel a connection. After I finally got my late start with the opposite sex in my mid 20's, I did not have a lot of girlfriends , but the two most "normal" (at least on the outside) ones - Bridget and Raulin - only lasted a few months. The first one was too cray to be functional, and then Karen - the one I lasted the longest with, had the same outsider qualities I did - but bad timing, personality differences, issues and conflicts brought that to an end after a couple years. She is also the only one of them I am still in touch with (even if her last e-mail to me was basically something to the extent of "piss off"). So when Victoria's June 1996 personal ad in San Diego - mentioned the Frankenstein and Steppenwolfe books, and finished with something like "too deep? too bad" I thought to myself - this is somebody I need to meet. No surprise that she has been the black sheep of her family, somebody who has always struggled to make and keep friends, someone who feels socially retarded, someone who experiences constant rejection from her peers - in other words, I feel right at home with her.

Of course - the problem with all of this - is that our daughter has inherited this same issue and we feel bad for her. The dominant social group that everyone who is anyone is a part of out here is the Christian church, and neither one of us is a part of that. Victoria has made some connections with the Pagan community, but as they are mainly based in Reno, an hour away, it has been difficult to keep that going. Sara's best friend, Tuesday, has a biker Mom who doesn't fit in too well either. Unfortunately, she likes a lot of the kids in her class, but the Moms for the most part have labeled us in the "You're Not One of Us" category and given us the cold shoulder. This brings up the unfortunate argument of us being isolated out here, and Victoria's wish to be closer to her family - the same family that she moved away from back in 1992 because they always saw her as a freak, saw her as a shocking insult to their view of Hispanic culture and values. They never even visited her when she had her own place, because in their view you don't live alone - you either stay with your parents, or get married. Maybe her thinking is that now that she is in a family situation, they will be more accepting of her. The reality is - my job is here, our house is here - and though the midwest may have its charm and appeal to some, I am not one of them - and this presents us with the what are we doing out here when are we going to move ongoing debate which I will not get into here.

So anyways - this Christmas - also the same day as Chanukah, we decided to do something different. As our own families were out of the picture, and every year we see everyone visiting on Christmas while we spend it alone, this year we decided to have a little gathering at our house. We actually cleaned up a little (meaning take all the junk in the outside living room, throw it into all the bedrooms and shut the doors).

There were three different groups of people who came by to our little party (I won't present their names to protect the innocent). There was 1) our friends in Carson City (the same ones I sent the little warning e-mail to about fighting as a couple and letting their kids run wild and out of control). By the way - there has been no direct comment on that message, but seeing that they are getting along much better (at least in front of us which is all we care about) and their kids seem to be almost border line behaving now - they seem to have gotten the message. But anyways - nobody would ever accuse them of being in. The Mom spends most of her time with a classic nasal Jewish voice talking about rashes and allergies, the Dad is obsessed with not spending a dime - not even to the point of hygiene - and they look like a family of homeless people who broke into a nice home and decided to live there. The point being - they are not winning any popularity contests either - the reason we seem to see more of them than anyone else out here. 2) The little Russian family down the street - the two grandparents are very charming, but barely speak English. The twice divorced and pretty young Mom seems to be drawn to abusive men and her son is out of control and almost strangled Sara at Halloween. 3) Another Jewish family on our block where the boy is autistic, and the parents seem to be struggling to emotionally survice - the Mom was absent from the gathering. The Dad - has kind of an abrasive personality and he bragged about being a fanatical member of the conservative right.

So in short - this was the gathering of misfits yesterday at our house for the holidays - where a group of people came together who might normally have spent the holiday alone. We had a CD with Hava Nagilah on it where we actually started a 5 person circular Jewish dance in the somewhat crammed living room. The Russian grandfather, who can barely speak English - (he reminds me of the star of the "Life is Beaautiful" holocaust film) - his eyes lit up when the song came on and he seemed to be quite a competent dancer for this music and he led the circle. I brought out my guitar and the Carson City homeless appearing man played piano and we sang some songs together - Imagine, Let it Be, Tuesday Afternoon among others - and overall - as Christmas goes, it was one of the more memorable and positive ones I can remember.