Thank you for the days

those endless days, those sacred days you gave me (From Days by the Kinks)

It has been a tough month - a tough year for that matter. This month this plumbing mess combined with the now repaired electrical problem (the siding installer apparently hit a nail into a wire - good luck getting him to pay for the bill) - provided a water/electrical combination which was pretty intimidating. Seven feet of plumbing has been replaced and now it is a matter of putting the floor back together. We got a flat tire yesterday pulling into a driveway with a hidden drop. The shorter days always have a way of getting me down this time of year.

As far as the year goes, one of the hardest ones I can remember - especially winter. Maybe many couples go through something like this, but things get so bad that leaving seems like a great idea. You dread being around your mate, feel like your needs are not being met, feel angry, resentful - snap at each other. You are there only as an obligation as parents for your child, but not each other. On top of that - I had an impossible workload this winter, with endless driving and plowing through the snow to look at all of the damage, and was emotionally exhausted from everything combined.

So like everything that gets resolved in my life, from my depressions to this marital struggle, it seems like a miracle that we are there for each other, love each other, and have somewhat worked through this. We called my sister in law Vicki back in January and I just want to make note of how supportive and helpful she was at that time. I will never forget that. Also - our therapist was a big help, but more than anything, I really believe we are meant for each other. Just the chances we would ever cross paths statistically are one in a gazillion, but I believe destiny and perhaps divine intervention bring the right people together. For us to work it out, I had to make some personal changes. At the age of 40 I had to break some emotional ties with my parents, and maybe that was 20 years over due. Relying on them, calling them all the time, put them in a position of power over me that ultimately was not helpful to me. Most people can't handle being in power anyway without abusing it. Ultimately, whatever actions they did which were not helping us here, were actions I allowed to happen - so the final responsibility was with me, not them. The buck stops here, so to speak - and out of fear, insecurity, and maybe some feelings of loyalty, I did not know how to change that position, so I believe this all had to happen for that reason. As far as what the future holds with my parents, I believe if it is possible for everyone to interact with courtesy and respect, as our therapist suggested, we can all get along fine. Only time will tell there.

But regardless of that, this marriage and the family situation we have here, has been without a doubt the greatest joy of my life, and feeling like it was moments away from ending makes me appreciate it that much more. I am so thankful that we are all here, in a comfortable house and beautiful area, that we can support each other, love each other and feel good about being where we are. My wife is the most wonderful, beautiful, spiritual woman I have ever come across in my life, and I can never stop appreciating what I have now. Sara is an amazing, gifted child and I think - she has a great future ahead of her, with some possible bumps on the way. I am grateful to everyone in my life (my parents included) who has brought me to the point where I am now. I will always be an emotional cripple to some extent, wading through storms of depression, rage, and anxiety as part of my permanent baggage, but despite all that, I believe I can feel contentment and happiness, but I can't do it by myself. This is an interactive world and we are not islands. Thanks to anyone and everyone, living and non-living, physical and spiritual, who has brought me to where I am, and it is my hope that we can all work through our conflicts with the same outcome that I had.