I promised I would drown myself in mystic heated wine

(from Yes The River Knows by The Doors)

I have absolutely know way of relating to this line as I am not a wine drinker, but I was listening to this song today on the way to picking up my daughter - and I thought of my good buddy Mr. L...

40 years later I finally wrote a love song

Live from the Holiday Inn Express in Bishop, California. Right on cue I was up at 2:30 and couldn't sleep, so I decided to pay tribute to my wife with this one. My voice may sound raspy since I just woke up when I sang it. I sing quitely when my voice is by the phone to keep it from distorting, and it is hard to stay in tune in these conditions, but I try anyway

MEDICINE WOMAN

HONEY WHAT CAN I SAY, THAT SOMEONE ELSE HASN’T SAID
WHEN I THINK OF ALL MY HAPPINESS I FEEL SO MUCH DEBT
YOU KNOW YOU’VE MEANT THE WORLD TO ME WITH ALL YOU HAVE DONE
FROM THE MOMENT I FIRST HELD YOU, I KNEW YOU WERE THE ONE

I LAUGH WITH YOU I CRY WITH YOU WE’VE BEEN THROUGH IT ALL
MY LONELY LIFE JUST ENDED WHEN YOU ANSWERED MY CALL
CONNECTIONS THAT I FEEL FOR YOU, I FEEL WITH NO ONE ELSE
YOU’RE THE MEDICINE I’VE NEEDED FOR MY OWN MENTAL HEALTH

YOU ARE MY MEDICINE WOMAN
YOU’RE MY MOUNTAINS, OCEAN, TREES, YOU’RE MY SHINING SUN
YOU’RE THE FIRE IN MY HEART THAT GETS ME THROUGH EACH DAY
THE LIFE I’VE KNOWN WITH YOU IS THE ANSWER TO MY PRAYERS
SOMEHOW YOU ARE MORE BEAUTIFUL WITH EACH PASSING HOUR
IN MY DESERT FULL OF DROUGHT, YOU ARE MY RAIN SHOWER
MY FOUNDATION, YOU’RE MY WIFE
DEVOTED MOTHER OF MY CHILD
AND ALL THAT I CAN SAY HONEY
THANKS FOR BEING IN MY LIFE

YOUR NATIVE SPIRITS SOARING LIKE AN EAGLE IN THE SKY
EVERY TIME IT TOUCHES ME I FEEL SO WARM AND HIGH
A SENSE OF BLISS AND WONDER WHICH EACH WARM EMBRACE
A WOMBLIKE SENSE OF COMFORT KNOWING NO TIME OR SPACE

THIS LAST VERSE NOW APPROACHING I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY
EXCEPT A HUMBLED SENSE OF GRATITUDE FOR WHAT I FEEL TODAY
I ONCE FELT IMPRISONED, BUT YOU’VE BURST OPEN THE DOOR
AS ONE DECADE NOW APPROACHES I JUST PRAY FOR MANY MORE

No where you can be that isn't where you're meant to be, it's easy...

(John Lennon - All You Need is Love)

No - I am not going to write "Lennon/McCartney" - there is no way the guy who wrote Ob La Di Ob La Dah, Silly Love Songs, and Maxwell's Silver Hammer had anything to do with that song. Lennon was the smart one, McCartney was the smiling face.

But regardless of that, I think it is that simple - love is really all we need (although food, clothing and shelter don't hurt either). This does not mean I am running off to join a cult, give away all of my assets, or live in a commune because I believe that. I am still at my job, taking care of my family, trying in vain at times to keep us from running out of money - but I do believe that love is an essential need. I look back at my life and my depressions, emotional pain, suffering all came when I did not believe I was getting the love I needed. Not here to dwell on how I was raised, as that does not go anywere, but I know all the pain in my life came from feeling that, and all of the happiness in my life comes from feeling loved. And it is not something I feel all the time.

No - this is not some profound ground breaking idea I have arrived at - John Lennon had a lot to say about it, I believe Christ did too, and my Ruiz books really drive it home. But I can say it in my own words, even if it is not my idea. To me love and God are intertwined, if you can interact or pray to one, you can do the same with the other, as ultimately these two forces are the same. The way the Beatles song starts out "love, love, love" strikes me as a good meditation mantra, especially at that predictable 3:00 in the morning time of night when my mind decides to take a one hour break from sleep after I go pee, and then it is the challenge to find my way back into that state. As faith is the essential part of religion, and even getting by, then love and faith are intertwined. If you "have no faith to loose" as Dylan observes, your life is harder. You don't believe you can do anything, you worry all the time, maybe you pass that lack of faith onto your kids and start to believe they can't accomplish anything either. Everything I have ever accomplished happens when that deep hidden spiritual force in me tells me I can do it, despite the other voices saying I can't. That was one advantage to my Irvine Meadows experience, despite the inconvenience it caused my folks - is that I realized if I could survive an actual death state, a state where I believed I really was dead, then maybe everything else in my life that appeared insurmountable (finding a job out of college) could be possible too. So here I am - I have done it - not in a grandiose way - I am flat dead center in the median income range, but I still have done it anyways - and without my faith, it would not have happened.

And - it is the same with love. If you summon love, meditate on love, pray to love - than it will come to you. It is like a mine all around you and you have to work at it, but if you believe it will be there ("believe it if you need it, if you don't just pass it on: - and if you don't know that reference, oh well..). When I believed in love, and started to imagine an imaginary woman who loved me, and really summoned her in the late night hours - it was at that point my real life wife arrived in my life. Coincidence? Maybe so - but I don't believe in them. But even being married, I still find practicing this gets me through - as ultimately no matter who you are with, "we sit here stranded though we all do our best to deny it" (thanks Bob) - in that ultimately we are all on our own. I don't care how many friends you have, or magical family (the answer to everything, so I am told) - if you don't like or love yourself, nobody else will, but if you do, than others will follow suit and like you too. And to me the idea that you did not get your needs met in the past means you are doomed to misery forever is bullshit - regardless of how you were raised and whatever damage may have come from that - I really don't believe it is insurmountable. Sure - it might mean a little help on the way, a pill, a light, a therapist - even a stay in an institution - but speaking for myself, I believe that our faith, and our faith only can give us what we need - mainly love - and that it starts from within, and then follows from without. You hear that Victoria? It comes from within your own heart - first and foremost - and cannot come from me or anyone else.

So - the real point of the title is the song it comes from, but as far as the idea of destiny in the title line - I also believe that too - everything in life happens for a reason, and brings us to the present task at hand - whatever may that be. It may feel like we are being punished, but that is only an interpretation. Everything in my life, no matter how tragic it may have appeared at the time, seemed to happen to get me to open my eyes, to see what I was made of, to bring me to the state of appreciation and love for myself where I now have arrived - and even now, I constantly have to work at it as those voices of self hatred are always lurking inside me, and it is a constant battle - but it is a battle that can be won, even if it is not a permanent victory.

Here is a co-incidence - as soon as I posted this, I heard the Prairie Home Companion guy say "love, love, love" in his daily almanac post on the radio..

I've felt the coldness of my winter, I never thought it would ever go

(Page/Plant - The Rain Song)

I saw an article in the paper yesterday on the increased chances of breaking up in January. Since I will never master the art of inserting a direct acess link here, I am just going to post the whole link here: http://news.rgj.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060123/LIV/601230310&SearchID=73233520710734

No wonder we were both ready to leave each other last year, and felt some tension this year as well - I guess it is just a bad month for couples. The whole grass is greener notion will always take over on many different levels - other places, other people - all start to look better. One of the Buddhist books I read by Sylvia Boorstein - I think it is called It's Easier than you Think - had a comment about lust - saying it is okay to feel it, fall in love with someone outside of your marriage - as long as it remains a thought that is not acted upon until very serious consideration is given for the consequences of acting. Falling in love is kind of strange - one day I can feel in love with someone out of my past (a past girlfriend or experience from the past) and then on Sunday I was walking with Victoria and I felt completely and totally in love with her. People are human - and you can't turn it on or off. When I think of Victoria before I think of everything, I know she is my best friend. After that, everything else will just find a way to hopefully work itself out - even if there is often friction there at times.

Last night I was in the middle of what us males may refer to as quality time with our pardners, when my cell phone went off right in the middle of this. I thought to myself - it is probably a call out (where I have to run off to some place up to an hour away to take pictures of an accident) and I stayed calm under pressure and thought - there is no way in hell I am going ANYWHERE until I am done here. So the task at hand was completed, and it turned out to be my fellow office worker calling me to test the phone. I passed the test but would have been ready - there is no way I could concentrate on handling an accident while I still had what Howard Stern has referred to as a "full tank". (There it is - my once in a blue moon graphic reference).

A side note - I really enjoyed talking to my brother and sister in law the other day - hopefully we can do more of that.

Is it me for a moment?

(from Quadrophenia)

My wife suggested yesterday after reading some of these posts (she does not see all of them) that I come across like some kind of sage and living with me and knowing me for the person I REALLY am she finds it a little bit deceiving. Fair enough. I write this knowing other people are reading it, so I do not entirely let loose. I do hold back. I do not share every sexual thought that enters my mind here, in fact I stay away from that subject just about altogether. It does not mean I do not have them (constantly and 24 hours a day for the record) but I just don't see any point in getting into it here. Some of my writings (including the song that I posted reflecting on my past upbringing that caused such an uproar with an elderly member of my family) are indeed pretty dark, reflecting the dark mind that writes them. Those dark thoughts are still present, but I just don't dwell on them here. For one thing I don't want anyone calling the police, but for another - that is just what they are - thoughts, nothing more. It does not make me a psychopathic killer or a danagerous person - although admittedly - there have been times in the past I have been perceived as such. Other than having a hole in the back of my wall, and not always the most pleasant tone or volume of voice at times, I have never really comitted any type of violent act (against another living being anyway) and probably never will. It does not mean the darkness is still not present - because it is. I just do my best to not let it take hold of me, to rebel against the parasite as Ruiz talks about in his book. It is there, and a part of me, but not all of me.

So if some of this stuff may come across as a little idealistic and unrealistic, maybe it is. For me the purpose of my art - writing, many of the songs and words on here, is to try to present a higher ideal - to know it is there - and then try to live up to it. I may fail at times, but it is something to strive for and hopefully at times I will be closer to it than further away. Yesterday I was pretty down and out - maybe the let down from working a long week of driving all over the place - so maybe I was further away yesterday. Now that I have San Diego KSDS gospel music streaming in from the internet - maybe I am a little closer. It varies from moment to moment.

So which me is the real me - the dark side I referenced earlier, or the light "sage" like writings presented here - the answer is "the truth lies somewhere in between".

Undecided, undefined, Undisturbed yet undermined, Relocated not retired, Reprimanded and rewind

(from Undermind by some obscure retired band)

The same retired band that saw me and Mr. Liver driving around the suburbs of Denver near Red Rocks in 1996 on a hot August night after a mind blowing performance of Possum that had me yelling obscenities toward a line of people waiting to eat at a Taco Hell drive through (the exact quote if I remember was "Taco Bell f*** off" and die and was more directed at Taco Hell than the people waiting to ingest the crap they serve there) at a late night time and as I was not in the most coherent mindset at the time so I will never know if the car window was actually rolled down so that anyone heard me other than the 3 remaining car passengers, but I digress....

My company - I have been with them almost 17 years. I am not here to badmouth them - companies are like people you can find some good and find some bad in them and as long as one is not completely outweighing the other, you live to learn with them as you would learn to live with your marriage or any other relationship. They have provided me with a steady livelihood for the time, and I have never been unemployed or hungry while with them. I have had my issues with certain people at certain times, but they for the most part have worked themselves out. I have always had to work hard and some times long hours to keep up, but I would say it beats slaving away in the sun all day, or working 7 14 hours a day shifts continually as is common practice in some countries, including this one. (One of my wife's brother in laws does that - I don't know - as a farmer in Watsonville - and I stand in awe of such an achievement). Maybe I could have been richer doing something else, but contrary to what some think, money isn't everything and I do like what I do. I wouldn't mind more money, but I am not going to cry that I don't have it either. As many go hungry, sick, and without the basic necessities on this planet, I am a firm believer in being damn grateful for what you have ("Don't tell me your troubles, I have enough of my own, be thankful you're living, drink up and go home". Traditional but Freddi Hart had something to do with it, recreated by Garcia and Grisman - a classic line).

So - the latest decision about my location may lie in their hands. I love this area, as I said previously. No great social connections here, but the mountains here really speak to me and have a presence. They inspire me when I need inspiration, and create a great setting for playing guitar. I would miss them if I left, some times I feel like I have moved into physical paradise. All the same, I would like to be promoted at some point - I have moved up a couple notches since I started in July of 1989 and it feels good to be working toward something. The next position in line at my company is supervisor, and I cannot do it here. I know I once suggested going out on my own, but right now I don't quite have the balls to do it - and the financial reality dictates that if I fail, we will lose our house and I am not quite compared to risk that. Maybe some day - but definitely not now. Besides, to get started I would probably have to fall in that 7 x 14 hour a day category and I just don't have that in me. It turns out after looking into it that there could be an opening in the aforementioned city of Chicago.

Chicago - where the weather - to put it bluntly - sucks from what I know. I understand the cold is bone chilling, and the humidity and heat can actually kill people. Victoria's family is out there, and once we move, it will probably finally dawn on her that they are not the answer to all of her problems, but they will be there nevertheless. Now this is not a done deal by any means. Even if I am not rich, I am somewhat on the higher scale of my position of pay at my company, which means they would not only have to pay me, but give me a raise, and move me close to 2000 miles on top of that, and maybe they just don't want to spend the money to do it. That would put the odds a little against me, but if they do say yes, than maybe fate has decided it to be so, and I will pack my bags, try to sell this place and buy one out there, and give it a go. I wouldn't mind a change - and it would mean no more driving to the ends of the earth, climbing through crawlspaces, attics, and roofs - something I cannot do forever as age will eventually catch up with me. Then again, if they say no, I definitely will not go out there and take my chances - that just will not happen. That is my compromise here at home - I will make an effort, but I am not going to do something crazy, and now even Victoria seems to have some reservations now that it may happen. Just another change of cards in the card game of marriage. Regarding the suggestion that she is crazy - maybe so, but she is just as crazy as I am - so I won't hold that against her.

So - none of this will even be decided until the summer - and until then there will be plenty of time to dwell on it.

And even more is asked of you, let fate decide the rest

There are times when you get hit upon
Try hard but you cannot give
Other times you'd gladly part
With what you need to live
Don't waste the breath to save your face
When you have done your best
And even more is asked of you
Let fate decide the rest.

All the stars / Are gone but one
Morning breaks / Here comes the sun
Cross the sky now / Sinking fast
Show me something / Built to last

(Built to Last - Garcia/Hunter)

Things always seem to fall apart in January. Work gets crazy, and then for whatever reason it gets crazy here at home as well at the time when I really could use some stability somewhere. But it is just not to be. I can try to put a positive spin on it as much as I can, but at this point I feel like I am pretty helpless when it comes to what is going on here at home. My wife was shivering in tears last night, complaining about the isolation "out here" and saying she can't take it any more. She left Chicago almost 15 years ago, in part because she wanted to get away from her family, and now that they are far away, they seem like the answer to all of her problems now. Maybe they are, or maybe when one is in a state of desperation, the grass always looks greener somewhere else. Personally, I am pretty skeptical - I think history repeats itself and if she couldn't get along with them back then, things are not going to magically just change right now - but what do I know. Maybe they are the answer. From her own description of her life in Chicago, it sounded pretty "isolated" to me even then - and how things just magically change over time is again something I am skeptical of. All I know is this - she feels a very strong need to be there, and I feel a very strong need to be exactly where I am. Something has got to give as they say, and maybe she does need to be there. I feel pressured, even bullied - to just pack everything up - and do a move to Chicago that I really do not want to do. My job is here - and yes - even though I may not be that close to my family, most are within a day's drive if anything happens - and that does mean something to me. Then it becomes an argument of whose side of the family is more important than the other's.

Yes - I have considered just moving out there to keep the peace, to hold onto her, but I really don't believe that is the answer here, either for her or for me. As for myself, I have the best job situation I have ever had in my life, even if the workload gets a little ridiculous at times. I really feel connected to this area in a way I have NEVER felt anywhere before, and the notion of giving it all up to chase some fleeting notion that some magical place is the answer (the notion of somewhere or "some day everything's going to be different") is just not something I can see myself doing. I am not the same person I once was - I don't go to sports events, don't go to concerts - I spend as much time with the family as I can, have made certain distances with offending members of my own family - but at some point, I just feel that I can not make any more sacrifices, that if I am being asked to move from an area that feels like "church" to me in some way, that I am being asked too much. And yet, I can respect that she can't stand another moment of being here too. There is no right answer here, just two people seeing things differently - and maybe this time it really IS the beginning of the end. If I just concede in a state of desperation and decide to move out to a place that my heart tells me is not the place I belong, than it is just a set up for a series of resentful feelings. And of course - the economic side - we have accumulated quite a vast amount of crap here and to move it to the other side of the country to a place where I have no connections and no employment seems to me to be nothing but financial suicide.

I ask myself why these things have to happen, and there is no real answer. You can play the role of rescuer - as we both have when we first met, but at some point you can only do so much, and then if it becomes a matter of you don't really love me if you don't do this, or you are selfish because you don't - than it feels like coercion and then it just becomes a mess.

I know there is some truth to the statement some have made that she pushes people away. I have seen it happen. Hell - she has tried countless times to push me away and up until now I have always persisted. But in this case, I cannot do what is being asked. I have seen it happen with two people who read this (both whose first initial share hers) where it appears that she is getting really close to someone, and then it vanishes in a puff of smoke when she says something to drive them away. I don't think a physical area is the answer to someone's personality issue. Wherever you go, there you are - if you have a problem somewhere, you have it everywhere. A change of scenery is not the magic cure. Maybe she needs to go back there to find that out, or maybe she will go back there and realize that really IS the answer to everything. I am skeptical, but who am I to say. All I know is this, if it is a statement of a demonstration of love to pack up and chase some elusive notion like that, then maybe I am failing the test and maybe this really is the beginning of the end. Maybe it has been all along. At this point, all I can do is let it go. If it is meant to be, it will come back - if not - than - well - than it won't.

Obviously this is going to have an affect on me. I would really miss her and Sara if they were to leave. I don't believe in family separation, but unless I am missing something here, I don't just see running away from a problem to a place where there is no promise of a job or any type of financial stability of any kind.

Well - not a post I wanted to make, and not the time of night I really wanted to make it at. If anyone is seeing something I am not here, please let me know. Maybe the problem is me and I just don't see it. I just don't think that is the case.

One thing you can't hide, is when you're crippled inside

(John Lennon - Crippled Inside)

This is another topical post. For the quick run down on my life, work is still crazy, I am just about on the road non-stop during the day, pulling over to take a nap somewhere when I am completely exhausted, but for the most part, taking it pretty well. Attitude does help a lot. Last winter and with previous storms it was poor me, I have to work so hard, I shouldn't be doing this on my own without more help, they are taking advantage of me, this is so unfair, blah blah blah. This winter, it is more like I am thankful to have a job that keeps us all alive here, and I make the best of it and try to enjoy what I do, and I can handle it - and just being more positive makes it a lot easier to take. I am tired more, but I just slept quite a bit last night and the weekends really are recovery times before I head out onto the battlefield. Victoria wants to be with her family in Chicago - and my family (this may sound crazy) right now is the mountains surrounding me - they have become my family in their own way, and they inspire me and motivate me, and I just can't and won't leave them. So maybe divorce is around the corner, but it has been around the corner ever since the day we got married - so I just have to get used to that. Like I said in my song - I certainly can't CONTROL it.

Which brings me to the topic, because the notion of a cripple and control seem to go hand in hand.

Let's go to the online dictionary here:

crip·ple (krpl)
n.
1. A person or animal that is partially disabled or unable to use a limb or limbs: cannot race a horse that is a cripple.
2. A damaged or defective object or device.
tr.v. crip·pled, crip·pling, crip·ples
1. To cause to lose the use of a limb or limbs.
2. To disable, damage, or impair the functioning of: a strike that crippled the factory.

Going back to the John Lennon song, he is referring to an actual emotional state, but as we all know, the physical and emotional states go hand in hand. Victoria has worked for a quadraplegic and found it very exhausting to be constantly ordered around. I actually stayed at this woman's house when I first was involved with Victoria, and she blew a whistle every time she wanted her there. To a certain degree a physical cripple must feel pretty helpless and needs to take control of his or her surroundings to re-gain that sense of control.

I have never been physically crippled - with the exception of when I broke my ankle in college and was on crutches for a few months, but I certainly have been emotionally crippled off and on throughout my life. Depressions are crippling, so is anxiety. Some times I feel like a functioning emotional cripple, but to some degree just about everyone I have ever known is just that. People in an addictive state turn to whatever medication gets them through - alcohol, drugs, sex, the internet - anything to help them avoid facing themselves. I feel pretty lucky though. When my first depression hit me like a ton of bricks, I moved in with my parents from college, lived in a dungeon with just about nobody there and really believed that I was not capable of functioning in society and had no reason to live. My father had suggested setting me up somewhere where I could live in an apartment where he would provide for me for my life, and even that seemed too much. The only way I can explain how I came to the point where I am really is nothing but some kind of divine intervention, because I really believed I was done for - and there are people I have come across who have entered that state and never again come out of it. My first girlfriend was like that. There are some emotional cripples that just cannot function in society at all, and then there are some like me that find a way to do it, but at times feel like it is taking everything we have just to get by. Victoria tried to get along with a person out here who has a history of an actual crippling illness, and it worked fine as long as Victoria placated her and bit her tongue to please and accomodate her - but anyone who knows Victoria knows she cannot do that for long, and once the inevitable expression of Victoria's feelings came out, it was doomed from that point on. It was unfortunate, because we both liked this person, but unfortunately - there was no way around it. Victoria has some crippling issues of her own and you can't have two people both in control. That is part of why it has worked well here - I let her for the most part be the A personality, and short of moving to Chicago (which I am convinced would send ME into a crippling state), I let her have her way.

Lately I have been feeling better about myself - in part because of the SADS light - my latest supporting device I guess, but also my attitude like I said above, and also because I know I am pretty darn good at what I do. I can go to 5 people's homes like I did on Thursday, and inspect a car - and have all the reports, estimates, and photographs uploaded and sent off to the insurance companies on that same day - wrapped up and done. I have just figured out how to be efficient and get it done, and even if I can't keep up with everything, I can tackle the task at hand for the day. That day I almost felt like I was in a "zone" so to speak, and when that is happening, handling work almost becomes a form of art, and then it does not feel like work any more, it feels like creative art, just like writing, playing guitar or singing does.

So in short - I am not in judgment of this state, I am very well familiar with it and it is a part of me - but with a miracle here and there, the right surroundings, and the right people surrounding me - I feel like a lot less of cripple these days, so thank God for that!

Control

CAN’T CONTROL HOW LONG THE TRAFFIC LIGHT WILL BE RED
BUT I CAN CONTROL THE REACTION TO IT IN MY HEAD
CAN’T CONTROL THE MACHINE WHEN IT BREAKS DOWN
BUT I CAN APPRECIATE IT WORKING, WHEN THE ANSWER IS FOUND

CAN’T CONTROL MY THOUGHTS ON A SLEEPLESS NIGHT
BUT I CAN SURVIVE THE NEXT DAY UPON THE MORNING LIGHT
I CAN’T CONTROL THE OTHER DRIVERS WHILE I AM ON THE ROAD
BUT MY FAITH TELLS ME I’LL BE OKAY DEEP DOWN IN MY SOUL

IT’S SO OUT OF CONTROL – BUT THAT’S ALL RIGHT
IT’S SO FAR OUT OF REACH – BUT THE ANSWER’S IN SIGHT
IT’S SO FRUSTRATING – BUT IT ALL WORKS OUT
THE ONLY ENEMY – IS JUST MY OWN DOUBT

I CAN’T CONTROL THE WORKLOAD THAT SHOWS UP ON MY DESK
BUT EVEN IF I DO FAIL, I CAN DO MY BEST
I CAN’T CONTROL HOW MUCH YOU’LL LIKE ME FOR WHAT I DO
BUT MY HEART FEELS A SENSE OF JOY WHEN I SAY I LOVE YOU

I CAN’T CONTROL THE WEATHER ON A STORMY NIGHT
BUT I STILL FEEL A SENSE OF WONDER, WHEN THE SKY IS SO BRIGHT
I CAN’T CONTROL JUST WHAT DAY WILL BE THE DAY I DIE
BUT I CAN LIVE IT TO THE FULLEST WHEN IT’S HERE, YA KNOW I’M GOING TO TRY

Welcome to the camp, I guess you all know why we're here

(Pete Townshend)

Consider this the disclaimer portion of the blog. Apparently I do have a somewhat small, but definietely existent audience to this blog. Some of you let me know you are reading it from time to time, and sometimes the response is not favorable, but for the most part it is. I am done expressing my rage toward my parents here - and if anyone has noticed, all of those posts have been deleted. We are at a nice pleasant stalemate here, and for our family, that is about as close to peace as we are ever going to get. Any other comments here are really about nobody in particular (other than the writer who is expressing his perspective) and are not meant or designed to offend anyone. Really - seriously. It is just my opinion, nothing more, nothing less. With that in mind - I have a suggestion for you if you find it offensive in any way. STOP READING! That simple. There are millions of blogs out there, and it won't bother me at all if you stop honoring me as member of my audience. I am not backing down from anything I am writing here - as it is an expression of my feelings, and so if you don't like it, don't read it. Thanks.

Cinderella, she seems so easy, it takes one to know one she smiles..

Bob Dylan - Desolation Row.

Here is your basic lesson in "psychobabble" 101. Psychobabble is a term I often hear when people know I am onto something, and want to disregard it as quickly as they can. If you know me, you may hate to admit it, but I am right more often than not ("ain't often right but I have never been wrong") when it comes to human nature. Ya know why - because as an out of the closet lunatic, I can say something about us - we loonies know the human mind pretty well. Having been to the dark depths of mine, and having lived to tell about it, I have faced up with what a lot of us don't seem to want to face up to, or realize. I can't say I know myself inside out, but I know myself pretty darn well. It does not mean I am the most together or stable person in the world, but I do know the human mind. And I have come up with two essential rules of the human mind, that apply - at least 9 out of every 10 times, but not always - there is always an exception to every rule, and "my" rules are no exception to the exception. As Zappa says in Joe's Garage, "okay you asked for it, here comes the big one".

1) The mirror rule - Very easy concept to grasp, although it takes a little bit of a leap of faith. Those of us who are blind to our own human nature may have a hard time with this, but here it comes: What we see in others, is basically a mirror for ourselves. The more another person's behavior is upsetting to you, the more it is hitting home, or hitting a soft spot. This is all basic Jung, refer to projection, refer to the shadow. Unfortunately millions of us Jews were mercilessly slaughtered because we took on and lived out all the unrealized negative shadow qualities of the Europeans who projected them onto us, as the blacks have also had to experience here in this country. I am not immune to it - I have to admit, I did not have the best impression of the Mexican people until I married one and realized how great their collective spirit really is. Now - why do we do this? Well - my personal belief, is that everyone and everything is constantly trying to teach us something. We can either sit back and listen, or we can become very defensive and defiant, but either way - our asses are going to get kicked and I find that to bend over and accept it willingly works better than to try to run from it. We have two choices when we see something we dislike about another. We can ask - what is this trying to tell me, why am I getting so upset about this, what lesson do I need to learn from this, what is this telling ME ABOUT MYSELF. We can look in, ask some tough questions, and integrate our dark unconscious side into our consciousness, and although it may be a blow to our ego, ultimately it is a path to self-enlightenment and awareness. OR - we can blame that other person for being the bad person, and leave it at that, and avoid looking inside to get to the real root of our upset.

Another example - if you tell me I am a very "negative" person, chances are - you are negative - regardless of whether or not I may be (and for the records, I am negative and damn proud of it, but I am also a closet positive by nature). I have observed certain family disputes (not necessarily my family) where certain members of the family have blasted the other members, said all sorts of things in judgment and again - they are describing themselves. Consider the source - so to speak. We must be very careful when we judge others, as the judgement could easily turn the table. "And if a man among you got no sin upon his hand Let him cast a stone at me for playing in the band.". Now at this point, you are either not getting it at all and thinking I am full of it, or you are getting it - and you knew it already.

2) The opposite rule - Whatever one portrays to be the case, take the opposite of that - and that is the essence of a person. Example, someone tells you how honest they are - then - they are a habitual liar. Someone tells you how happy they are, and they are really miserable. Does this always apply - well - no. But my experience, is that if you truly are what you say you are, than there is no need to brag about it - because you already know it is the case. Some people at my old website had a constant need to describe how "well endowed" they were. My hunch is - that if you get out a microscope, that is the true size of the object in question. People have a need to appear to be something, in the eyes of others, to gain approval. The way I am - is this is it - take me as I am - warts and all, personality quirks and all. I am neurotic and insecure and I am not ashamed of it. I don't try to be anything other than what I am. If I am happy, I will smile. If I am miserable, I am not going to pretend to be happy. I am not afraid to tell you the truth (as I know it "my truth" relative to me), and I am not afraid to hear your truth about me. This site is a perfect example - people have often approached me with - why do you have to write that, aren't you ashamed or embarrassed. Well - actually - no I am not - because I am human and humans aren't perfect. (Now just apply the opposite rule here and you will find I really AM ashamed and will just not come out and admit it. Fair enough - I can be the victim of my own rule - and maybe that is true - but again, I can admit it).

There it is - everything you ever wanted to know about anyone in a nutshell. And I am not even charging you for it.

Complete side note here - Victoria has tried to go back to school and she took a very difficult nutrition class here at WNCC - she was very intimidated by it, and it was a tough class involving chemistry and biology. We just found out she got an A- in the class - and I am very proud of her!

Catch a few winks, under the bed

(Tennesse Jed)

Deja vu all over again - last winter it was massive snow claims, now it is massive water claims and they are coming in like crazy. For the time being, I am pretty much on my own and it already got to me last night - I didn't sleep all that well. But - I keep telling myself my same line "all you can do is the best you can" and burning out will not solve anything - so I am just taking it as well as I can, and putting in when I can - and anything that falls beyond that, just goes to the powers that be - because I can't put the world on my shoulders all the time. Some marked differences from last year though - all the time and effort I was putting into the chat room, and to Instant Messenger - is instead going to my job. So now I can really look anyone in charge of me in the eye and tell them I really am doing my best, because there is no longer any kind of monkey on my back. Now - I know I needed that monkey on my back when it was there, so no regrets of any kind - but at the same time, I am trying now to empower myself as much as possible and that means to avoid unnecessary addictions at all cost (with the golden exception to the rule being chocolate - and besides - it is good for you - just like WINE right?) - but other than that, everything I have goes into my job and my family.

It is also nice to have a stable home situation that was lacking last year. No one is ever going to claim perfection here, and we are going to be having the eternal argument about where we should live probably until one of us falls over and dies, but over all - we are a team and not two opponents avoiding each other in hostile silence like last year. Let me tell you - that is not fun. So - the storm may be gathering on the work front, but it is quite a relief to have some refuge on the home front.

So - tonight get a little work done, and take every day in stride. I have no control over what the powers that be decide to do regarding the upper level decisions, all I can do is control my part and work hard, without working too hard to the point of being a basket case. One sleepless night aside, so far it seems to be working out okay.

"When the smoke has cleared, she said, that's what she said to me.
Gonna want a bed to lay your head and a little sympathy."

(Althea)

Wake of the flood, laughing water

(from Here Comes Sunshine)

Our area just experienced the worst flooding since 1997. Areas in our location of Dayton, Nevada were hit and people had to evacuate. I walked by some sandbags in front of garages just a half mile down the road from here, and was told by a county worker that water entered in the living room of one of the homes - and it looked like a lake surrounding it. Here in our Quailridge development, someone must have thought of it already and the whole area is on a raised dirt pad with sloping rocks surrounding it, and an excavated pit of dirt allowed that to happen. That excavated pit is now what I have dubbed "Lake Qualridge", but our whole neighborhood did pretty well. It was on the news all day, and areas where I drive by regularly in Reno and Carson City looked like rivers. As an adjuster who handles home damage, I imagine it is about to get quite crazy all over again. Even so, another reason to feel grateful that we are all okay and nothing was damaged here.