One thing you can't hide, is when you're crippled inside
(John Lennon - Crippled Inside)
This is another topical post. For the quick run down on my life, work is still crazy, I am just about on the road non-stop during the day, pulling over to take a nap somewhere when I am completely exhausted, but for the most part, taking it pretty well. Attitude does help a lot. Last winter and with previous storms it was poor me, I have to work so hard, I shouldn't be doing this on my own without more help, they are taking advantage of me, this is so unfair, blah blah blah. This winter, it is more like I am thankful to have a job that keeps us all alive here, and I make the best of it and try to enjoy what I do, and I can handle it - and just being more positive makes it a lot easier to take. I am tired more, but I just slept quite a bit last night and the weekends really are recovery times before I head out onto the battlefield. Victoria wants to be with her family in Chicago - and my family (this may sound crazy) right now is the mountains surrounding me - they have become my family in their own way, and they inspire me and motivate me, and I just can't and won't leave them. So maybe divorce is around the corner, but it has been around the corner ever since the day we got married - so I just have to get used to that. Like I said in my song - I certainly can't CONTROL it.
Which brings me to the topic, because the notion of a cripple and control seem to go hand in hand.
Let's go to the online dictionary here:
crip·ple (krpl)
n.
1. A person or animal that is partially disabled or unable to use a limb or limbs: cannot race a horse that is a cripple.
2. A damaged or defective object or device.
tr.v. crip·pled, crip·pling, crip·ples
1. To cause to lose the use of a limb or limbs.
2. To disable, damage, or impair the functioning of: a strike that crippled the factory.
Going back to the John Lennon song, he is referring to an actual emotional state, but as we all know, the physical and emotional states go hand in hand. Victoria has worked for a quadraplegic and found it very exhausting to be constantly ordered around. I actually stayed at this woman's house when I first was involved with Victoria, and she blew a whistle every time she wanted her there. To a certain degree a physical cripple must feel pretty helpless and needs to take control of his or her surroundings to re-gain that sense of control.
I have never been physically crippled - with the exception of when I broke my ankle in college and was on crutches for a few months, but I certainly have been emotionally crippled off and on throughout my life. Depressions are crippling, so is anxiety. Some times I feel like a functioning emotional cripple, but to some degree just about everyone I have ever known is just that. People in an addictive state turn to whatever medication gets them through - alcohol, drugs, sex, the internet - anything to help them avoid facing themselves. I feel pretty lucky though. When my first depression hit me like a ton of bricks, I moved in with my parents from college, lived in a dungeon with just about nobody there and really believed that I was not capable of functioning in society and had no reason to live. My father had suggested setting me up somewhere where I could live in an apartment where he would provide for me for my life, and even that seemed too much. The only way I can explain how I came to the point where I am really is nothing but some kind of divine intervention, because I really believed I was done for - and there are people I have come across who have entered that state and never again come out of it. My first girlfriend was like that. There are some emotional cripples that just cannot function in society at all, and then there are some like me that find a way to do it, but at times feel like it is taking everything we have just to get by. Victoria tried to get along with a person out here who has a history of an actual crippling illness, and it worked fine as long as Victoria placated her and bit her tongue to please and accomodate her - but anyone who knows Victoria knows she cannot do that for long, and once the inevitable expression of Victoria's feelings came out, it was doomed from that point on. It was unfortunate, because we both liked this person, but unfortunately - there was no way around it. Victoria has some crippling issues of her own and you can't have two people both in control. That is part of why it has worked well here - I let her for the most part be the A personality, and short of moving to Chicago (which I am convinced would send ME into a crippling state), I let her have her way.
Lately I have been feeling better about myself - in part because of the SADS light - my latest supporting device I guess, but also my attitude like I said above, and also because I know I am pretty darn good at what I do. I can go to 5 people's homes like I did on Thursday, and inspect a car - and have all the reports, estimates, and photographs uploaded and sent off to the insurance companies on that same day - wrapped up and done. I have just figured out how to be efficient and get it done, and even if I can't keep up with everything, I can tackle the task at hand for the day. That day I almost felt like I was in a "zone" so to speak, and when that is happening, handling work almost becomes a form of art, and then it does not feel like work any more, it feels like creative art, just like writing, playing guitar or singing does.
So in short - I am not in judgment of this state, I am very well familiar with it and it is a part of me - but with a miracle here and there, the right surroundings, and the right people surrounding me - I feel like a lot less of cripple these days, so thank God for that!
This is another topical post. For the quick run down on my life, work is still crazy, I am just about on the road non-stop during the day, pulling over to take a nap somewhere when I am completely exhausted, but for the most part, taking it pretty well. Attitude does help a lot. Last winter and with previous storms it was poor me, I have to work so hard, I shouldn't be doing this on my own without more help, they are taking advantage of me, this is so unfair, blah blah blah. This winter, it is more like I am thankful to have a job that keeps us all alive here, and I make the best of it and try to enjoy what I do, and I can handle it - and just being more positive makes it a lot easier to take. I am tired more, but I just slept quite a bit last night and the weekends really are recovery times before I head out onto the battlefield. Victoria wants to be with her family in Chicago - and my family (this may sound crazy) right now is the mountains surrounding me - they have become my family in their own way, and they inspire me and motivate me, and I just can't and won't leave them. So maybe divorce is around the corner, but it has been around the corner ever since the day we got married - so I just have to get used to that. Like I said in my song - I certainly can't CONTROL it.
Which brings me to the topic, because the notion of a cripple and control seem to go hand in hand.
Let's go to the online dictionary here:
crip·ple (krpl)
n.
1. A person or animal that is partially disabled or unable to use a limb or limbs: cannot race a horse that is a cripple.
2. A damaged or defective object or device.
tr.v. crip·pled, crip·pling, crip·ples
1. To cause to lose the use of a limb or limbs.
2. To disable, damage, or impair the functioning of: a strike that crippled the factory.
Going back to the John Lennon song, he is referring to an actual emotional state, but as we all know, the physical and emotional states go hand in hand. Victoria has worked for a quadraplegic and found it very exhausting to be constantly ordered around. I actually stayed at this woman's house when I first was involved with Victoria, and she blew a whistle every time she wanted her there. To a certain degree a physical cripple must feel pretty helpless and needs to take control of his or her surroundings to re-gain that sense of control.
I have never been physically crippled - with the exception of when I broke my ankle in college and was on crutches for a few months, but I certainly have been emotionally crippled off and on throughout my life. Depressions are crippling, so is anxiety. Some times I feel like a functioning emotional cripple, but to some degree just about everyone I have ever known is just that. People in an addictive state turn to whatever medication gets them through - alcohol, drugs, sex, the internet - anything to help them avoid facing themselves. I feel pretty lucky though. When my first depression hit me like a ton of bricks, I moved in with my parents from college, lived in a dungeon with just about nobody there and really believed that I was not capable of functioning in society and had no reason to live. My father had suggested setting me up somewhere where I could live in an apartment where he would provide for me for my life, and even that seemed too much. The only way I can explain how I came to the point where I am really is nothing but some kind of divine intervention, because I really believed I was done for - and there are people I have come across who have entered that state and never again come out of it. My first girlfriend was like that. There are some emotional cripples that just cannot function in society at all, and then there are some like me that find a way to do it, but at times feel like it is taking everything we have just to get by. Victoria tried to get along with a person out here who has a history of an actual crippling illness, and it worked fine as long as Victoria placated her and bit her tongue to please and accomodate her - but anyone who knows Victoria knows she cannot do that for long, and once the inevitable expression of Victoria's feelings came out, it was doomed from that point on. It was unfortunate, because we both liked this person, but unfortunately - there was no way around it. Victoria has some crippling issues of her own and you can't have two people both in control. That is part of why it has worked well here - I let her for the most part be the A personality, and short of moving to Chicago (which I am convinced would send ME into a crippling state), I let her have her way.
Lately I have been feeling better about myself - in part because of the SADS light - my latest supporting device I guess, but also my attitude like I said above, and also because I know I am pretty darn good at what I do. I can go to 5 people's homes like I did on Thursday, and inspect a car - and have all the reports, estimates, and photographs uploaded and sent off to the insurance companies on that same day - wrapped up and done. I have just figured out how to be efficient and get it done, and even if I can't keep up with everything, I can tackle the task at hand for the day. That day I almost felt like I was in a "zone" so to speak, and when that is happening, handling work almost becomes a form of art, and then it does not feel like work any more, it feels like creative art, just like writing, playing guitar or singing does.
So in short - I am not in judgment of this state, I am very well familiar with it and it is a part of me - but with a miracle here and there, the right surroundings, and the right people surrounding me - I feel like a lot less of cripple these days, so thank God for that!
posted by Zook at 6:25 AM
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