And even more is asked of you, let fate decide the rest

There are times when you get hit upon
Try hard but you cannot give
Other times you'd gladly part
With what you need to live
Don't waste the breath to save your face
When you have done your best
And even more is asked of you
Let fate decide the rest.

All the stars / Are gone but one
Morning breaks / Here comes the sun
Cross the sky now / Sinking fast
Show me something / Built to last

(Built to Last - Garcia/Hunter)

Things always seem to fall apart in January. Work gets crazy, and then for whatever reason it gets crazy here at home as well at the time when I really could use some stability somewhere. But it is just not to be. I can try to put a positive spin on it as much as I can, but at this point I feel like I am pretty helpless when it comes to what is going on here at home. My wife was shivering in tears last night, complaining about the isolation "out here" and saying she can't take it any more. She left Chicago almost 15 years ago, in part because she wanted to get away from her family, and now that they are far away, they seem like the answer to all of her problems now. Maybe they are, or maybe when one is in a state of desperation, the grass always looks greener somewhere else. Personally, I am pretty skeptical - I think history repeats itself and if she couldn't get along with them back then, things are not going to magically just change right now - but what do I know. Maybe they are the answer. From her own description of her life in Chicago, it sounded pretty "isolated" to me even then - and how things just magically change over time is again something I am skeptical of. All I know is this - she feels a very strong need to be there, and I feel a very strong need to be exactly where I am. Something has got to give as they say, and maybe she does need to be there. I feel pressured, even bullied - to just pack everything up - and do a move to Chicago that I really do not want to do. My job is here - and yes - even though I may not be that close to my family, most are within a day's drive if anything happens - and that does mean something to me. Then it becomes an argument of whose side of the family is more important than the other's.

Yes - I have considered just moving out there to keep the peace, to hold onto her, but I really don't believe that is the answer here, either for her or for me. As for myself, I have the best job situation I have ever had in my life, even if the workload gets a little ridiculous at times. I really feel connected to this area in a way I have NEVER felt anywhere before, and the notion of giving it all up to chase some fleeting notion that some magical place is the answer (the notion of somewhere or "some day everything's going to be different") is just not something I can see myself doing. I am not the same person I once was - I don't go to sports events, don't go to concerts - I spend as much time with the family as I can, have made certain distances with offending members of my own family - but at some point, I just feel that I can not make any more sacrifices, that if I am being asked to move from an area that feels like "church" to me in some way, that I am being asked too much. And yet, I can respect that she can't stand another moment of being here too. There is no right answer here, just two people seeing things differently - and maybe this time it really IS the beginning of the end. If I just concede in a state of desperation and decide to move out to a place that my heart tells me is not the place I belong, than it is just a set up for a series of resentful feelings. And of course - the economic side - we have accumulated quite a vast amount of crap here and to move it to the other side of the country to a place where I have no connections and no employment seems to me to be nothing but financial suicide.

I ask myself why these things have to happen, and there is no real answer. You can play the role of rescuer - as we both have when we first met, but at some point you can only do so much, and then if it becomes a matter of you don't really love me if you don't do this, or you are selfish because you don't - than it feels like coercion and then it just becomes a mess.

I know there is some truth to the statement some have made that she pushes people away. I have seen it happen. Hell - she has tried countless times to push me away and up until now I have always persisted. But in this case, I cannot do what is being asked. I have seen it happen with two people who read this (both whose first initial share hers) where it appears that she is getting really close to someone, and then it vanishes in a puff of smoke when she says something to drive them away. I don't think a physical area is the answer to someone's personality issue. Wherever you go, there you are - if you have a problem somewhere, you have it everywhere. A change of scenery is not the magic cure. Maybe she needs to go back there to find that out, or maybe she will go back there and realize that really IS the answer to everything. I am skeptical, but who am I to say. All I know is this, if it is a statement of a demonstration of love to pack up and chase some elusive notion like that, then maybe I am failing the test and maybe this really is the beginning of the end. Maybe it has been all along. At this point, all I can do is let it go. If it is meant to be, it will come back - if not - than - well - than it won't.

Obviously this is going to have an affect on me. I would really miss her and Sara if they were to leave. I don't believe in family separation, but unless I am missing something here, I don't just see running away from a problem to a place where there is no promise of a job or any type of financial stability of any kind.

Well - not a post I wanted to make, and not the time of night I really wanted to make it at. If anyone is seeing something I am not here, please let me know. Maybe the problem is me and I just don't see it. I just don't think that is the case.