Satisfaction

No need to link one of the most popular rock anthems courtesy of Jagger-Richards here - but check out this article in the Reno Gazette Journal here - and guess what the survey says - sex does matter after all. It does not need to be non-stop 4 times a day passion in 20 different positions - but if it is not there at all, unless you have two people with non-existent sex drives, it is going to be a problem. It is just human nature - we are born with a desire - which in turn helps us continue the human race. In its extreme addictive state, people are running off with everyone in town and risking STD's, even possible death through HIV, but in its extreme deprived state - it is a blow to one's ego, can lead to depression - in other words - once again - the key is balance. Now speaking from a perspective of having a rather positive last couple of days here at home, I can only speak for myself - but making love is like medicine for me. It is better than any relaxant I can think of. It is like a massage - it makes me feel good about myself, close to my wife, happy and grateful to be alive - yes - it even taps into my religious and spiritual side, because I thank God every time it happens. Whatever the frequency may be - even if it is right around the once a week goal mentioned in this article, with your soul mate and person you are spending your life with - it is a wondeful experience that keeps couples together, and unfortunately - can also make or break whether a couple is going to last or fall apart.

Down with disease

Down with disease
Three weeks in my bed
Trying to stop these demons that keep dancing in my head

Down with disease
Up before the dawn
A thousand barefoot children outside dancing on my lawn, and I keep

Waiting for the time when I can finally say
That this has all been wonderful but now I'm on my way
But when I think it's time to leave it all behind
I try to find a way but there's nothing I can say to make it stop

This song references two things going on in my life at the same time, one of them being my chronically ill daughter, and the other referencing the notion of changing a major portion of one's life, and since that change may or may not happen, it is best to not get too specific there. After all, It could be an illusion
but I might as well try .

But back to Sara, about one month after the first of two late night trips to the emergency room, and a third late night visit there that became the first of two days at the hospital, one endoscopy that resulted in several possessed demonic statements to nurses insulting their religion and kicks to the shins on top of that upon the little monster, coming to from the anesthesia (it probably appeared to be the Omen coming to life to some of them), and a recent set of allergy tests - where are we as far as an official diagnosis? The answer is - we aren't there yet. Food allergies for the time being have been ruled out. Lactose intolerance - reaction to milk products - appears to be a hot suspect. The notion that this is all psychosomatic - psychiatric symptoms related to stress - seems to pin it all on one horse, and although I agree that stress is a factor, that seems to simple too. There is no stress in her life now - no school, no summer program. Sure - school is around the corner, and I always found it stressful to go back, but as summer goes her life is pretty stress free. One of Victoria's friends from San Diego with Crohn's Disease says the symptoms look very similar to hers - and even though bloody stool is a symptom of Crohns not present here, it does not necessarily have to be there. So - without being set on a diagnosis yet, I say Crohn's and lactose intolerance, with a little stress and anxiety on the side, are the most likely explanation at this point, but not yet confirmed. We have seen the one and only GI Pediatrician specialist in the Northern Nevada region, and will return to see him. In the mean time, it has improved, but cries of intense stomach pain manifest about once a day, usually at night, and this has not gone away yet.

This may make any type of travels difficult - and I know she would like to make the trip down to Mammoth Lakes next weekend, but if she still has this condition then - that is not likely for her either, though I will make an effort to get away for at least a day or so if I can.

There it is - the official update - and as far as the other vague reference, I will have a much better idea of what may be happening there in a couple weeks.

Samson said Delilah you can cut my hair.. 

Ten years ago I walked this street

my dreams were riding tall

Ten years ago was when it all started. By this time in 1996 I had already met Victoria once, at an awkward restaurant gathering. In a society where people are expected to act and talk a certain way, where certain behaviors are considered acceptable and others are not, to the point where often people are so enslaved to the perceived notion of acceptance from others based on acting a certain way, so that they build up a whole persona based not on genuine thought and action, but getting the reward for behaving properly - with San Diego at the time being one of the peak trendy fashion centers of the USA - Victoria's behavior stood out like a red thumb. Even her personal advertisement, mentioning Frankenstein and Steppenwolf - a chick who was actually reading something other than romance novels and having real live thoughts - stood out in a sea of ads where women were looking for a nice, wealthy man to take them on wine and cheese walks through the sunset. Victoria was a thinking woman - and I wasn't coming across too many women thinking outside the limited conventions of society. As an outsider, I knew it was going to take another outsider for me to feel a connection, and I was starting to feel pretty skeptical about it. I was late in life - not experiencing intimacy until almost 25 years of age - not just because of shyness and confidence issues, but also because I had a very difficult time finding a woman I could relate to who wanted to look into herself and explore emotions and discuss real issues, instead of keeping everything on the surface - my experience with the majority of people I have encountered. That type of thinking would just never work for me.

I came across someone who just comes out and gets to the raw emotions, telling me in the first meeting that a lot of pain and misery was apparent to her in observing me, someone just coming out and telling me of her life struggles without trying to dress them up, someone who was on the verge of falling apart and not trying to act like it was anything other than what it was. I admit I felt like I was right out of the twilight zone that evening. Our first date was July 7 - so I am off by a few days here, but reflecting on almost 10 years together - this is as good of a time as any to do it.

People who follow this blog may think we are on the verge of getting divorced. The guy I work with is already giving me financial advice on hiding what I have so that she doesn't get the better of me - and I told him that is not the way we are. Maybe some people out there have it great and never have to think of seeing a marriage counselor - and my response to them is that if your relationship has not been tested to the brink, than you do not really know what it is made of, and I hate to be there the day you find out that it never really was what you thought it was. Ours has has been tested - and may continue to be - but I have faith in one thing - we may need to give each other some space, she may need to spend some time in Chicago to realize that the grass may not be greener there, but I really believe as crazy as it sounds - that this marriage is going to last for life. We continue to be tested - even now with Sara's digestive problems which have been completely draining for us, emotionally, physically through actual exhaustion making several late night trips to medical facilities, and financially when the portions of our bills are going to come due - and will require us to go into even more debt (I guess there can never be enough debt these days for a typical middle class family). But even through the adversity we have been through, and times when I have believed some fleeting fantasies of other women were my version of the grass being greener - I really believe I have found an amazing woman who was made for me - and as much as she may have a hard time admitting it, I believe she feels the same way.

Victoria has a real presence to her. Some people reading this may have conflicts or disputes with her - and there is a reason for this - when she calls you out on something - most likely, as intuitive as she is - she is probably right - and she will not back down - like it or not. Other than a few disagreements I may have with her on lumping races and groups of people together, I know she has always been right about me. I think she is either borderline psychic or gifted on some level, but she has an amazing spirit to her and sometimes I marvel that such a presence has come into my life. I know - life has dealt her some bad blows - as it has me - and we continue to struggle through those. I feel it is my place to inspire her as much as I can, to remind her of the amazing woman that she is, beautiful inside and out - so that she does not lose sight of the force that she is, even when emotions, hormones, exhaustion and depression set in. I believe that whatever force is out there, whether feminine or masculine, expressed as God and Goddess - that this force brought us togtether, that our lives were destined in the stars so to speak and that we will continue to move together in our journey, to support each other as much as we can, be there for each other and our gifted daughter as well. It makes me very grateful to have my marriage, family, and overall - my life. The last 10 years have been a struggle for certain, but no doubt in my mind the best years of my life, and I believe many more are on the way.

ID card photo 

Crippled but free, I was blind all the time I was learning to see

Without Love in the Dream it will never come true 

Shine on you crazy diamond

Sid Barrett, the founder of Pink Floyd has now passed on. The Piper at the Gates of Dawn was the first album of theirs, and he wrote many of the songs - and I spent many moments experiencing this recording in different states of mind. He was basically a mad genius, who may have already had some schizophrenic issues, and all the LSD he took combined with that generally drove him over the edge and he went into seclusion shortly after his success. The article I linked covers his life story for anyone interested. As a tribute, I am posting a love song he wrote from one of his solo albums - a song that Phish often covered when their drummer took the microphone - was always one of my favorites of his:

TERRAPIN

I really love you and I mean you
the star above you, crystal blue
Well, oh baby, my hairs on end about you...

I wouldn't see you and I love to
I fly above you, yes I do
well, oh baby, my hairs on end about you...

Floating, bumping, noses dodge a tooth
the fins a luminous
fangs all 'round the clown
is dark below the boulders hiding all
the sunlight's good for us
'Cause we're the fishes and all we do
the move about is all we do
well, oh baby, my hairs on end about you...

Floating, bumping, noses dodge a tooth
the fins a luminous
fangs all 'round the clown
is dark below the boulders hiding all
the sunlight's good for us
'Cause we're the fishes and all we do
the move about is all we do
well, oh baby, my hairs on end about you...

I really love you and I mean you
the star above you, crystal blue
Well, oh baby, my hairs on end about you...

Broken hearts are for ass-holes

Some of you might not agree
cause you probably likes a lot of misery
But think a while and you will see...
Broken hearts are for assholes
Broken hearts are for assholes
Are you an asshole?
Broken hearts are for assholes
Are you an asshole too?
Whatcha gonna do, cause youre an asshole...

From the late great lyrical, philosopher, composer genius FRANK ZAPPA

With my daughter out of the hospital, one may wonder why I am chose this as a topic of discussion -but I have my reasons. Quite simply - I believe that there are those who choose destructive situations for one reason or another, or relationships that lead them to misery or "broken hearts" and even though they chose this situation, they continue to blame the other person - the heartbreaker - so to speak for causing the misery in their lives. I believe - all though it may take a while to figure this out - and some may never - that we have a choice in the situations and relationships we choose - and that we can choose good or bad situations, depending on what we want for ourselves. Whatever we choose - it is on us what happens - and if you are in a bad relationship - get out of it. If you continue to choose people who are unavailable - physically or emotionally - guess what - you will get what you come for. Ultimatley nobody can make me happy except myself - my wife can't do it for me, you can't do it for me, and I am not asking you anyways. I know how to inspire myself, and I rely on myself for that, not you. I have been with Victoria 10 years - and althouth it is not happily ever after by any stretch, I would not trade my decision for anything - because I like her and I think she is a good mother and wife. She is handling this time of crisis incredibly well. If I was looking for happily ever after, I would jump into the nearest Cinderella story (I believe there is an x-rated version floating around in my library somewhere) and live it out as a fantasy, because that is the only place happily ever after really exists. You spend your whole life sitting around waiting for your prince or princess charming to arrive, and all it will give you is a sore ass. There it is - wisdom for the day. And while I am at it - to love someone goes beyond infatuation and chasing the latest rush or flavor of the day, true love involves real commitment - long past the day that the initial magic fades and fleeting temptation presents itself - when love is real NOT FADE AWAY!


When happily ever after fails
And we've been poisoned by these fairy tales
The lawyers dwell on small details
Since daddy had to fly

I hope Air Bud scores 

The hospital is a fun place 

Glued to "Air Bud" 

Look at my IV 

At the fair 

Saying goodbye before the hospital visit 

Oh mama can this really be the end?

Now the bricks lay on Grand Street
Where the neon madmen climb.
They all fall there so perfectly,
It all seems so well timed.
An' here I sit so patiently
Waiting to find out what price
You have to pay to get out of
Going through all these things twice.
Oh, Mama, can this really be the end,
To be stuck inside of Mobile
With the Memphis blues again.

10 years ago today - July 7, 1996 - my first date with my wife and what a better way to mark the occasion than to once again bring up the topic of moving back to Chicago as the current battle with Sara's digestive system is making it all too painfully clear how alone she is out here - sure we have some awesome friends out here, but nobody who can really be the go to guy the way family can be - as Victoria tends to be the provider for others in a lot of ways, but often has her own needs neglected in the process - and today when she was running around to doctors and labs at her wit's end it was brought home how nice it would be to have family around to depend on for helping out in tough times, ,things like just cooking dinner, or giving her a much needed break from a borderline mental breakdown being around Sara all the time - and in all honesty - I can't blame her for wanting some help - I just can't be the one to provide it for her. Also the one GI pediatrician serving in the entire Northern Nevada region - that we may get lucky and actually see next week instead of next month, but in Chicago of course, the wine is sweeter and the grass is greener, better medical care, family is there, heaven vs. hell - and I really think she should go there (forgive me for not "fighting for her" but such romanticized concepts found in the media are not quite as simple in real life, just in my humble opinion). An old lover from the past may be just the ticket for her - and I have strongly encouraged it. I do love her, don't get me wrong, but I don't want her to be miserable either, and I just don't belong in the midwest myself.

So once again - as it always has been, the end of our relationship is just around the corner, just as death itself is always a hair away and every day can be the last - a brutal fatal accident is always lurking around the corner. The people who make the news in the daily fatals section don't always realize that their day has come on the day they pass on to the next world. Today at around midnight the decision was made to check Sara into the Carson Tahoe Hospital where it took about - oh - 50 or so staff members to hold her down for the tantrum that developed when the IV needle had to be inserted - and it is there that Victoria and Sara now reside, while I on my second wind am ranting and raving here. They are going to check her out there - it sure seemed to beat another sleepless screaming night here at home, and serious concern by the pediatrician was raised on the matter of dehydration, as that tends to occur when one does not want to eat or ingest fluids of any kind, and almost 3 pounds have already been lost - not a good sign on a child weighing less than 50 pounds.

So - once again, crisis is here, the end is around the corner, and I am taking the advice of Mr. Sting who says Let your Soul be your Pilot - and that is what I am doing. I'm so happy I can't stop crying - see even though my life on the surface seems to be falling apart, I have this unexplainable faith that all is well, that all will be what it is meant to be, and that with dedicated faith in life, love, God, the Goddess, and the baby Goddess child (I don't know how many there are to tell you the truth - I just know something is in the god damn woods) believing in whatever the hell it is I believe in - I am going to get by, I am going to be happy - and I am just going to deal with what life happens to slap my face with the best I can - and with that in mind, having just watched an interesting video to calm me down, I now am going to try to get a full 4 hours of sleep, once again.

Asked by a reporter if this is the end of Spinal Tap]

Vocalist: David St. Hubbins: "Well, I don't really think that the end can be assessed as of itself as being the end because what does the end feel like? It's like saying when you try to extrapolate the end of the universe, you say, if the universe is indeed infinite, then how - what does that mean? How far is all the way, and then if it stops, what's stopping it, and what's behind what's stopping it? So, what's the end, you know, is my question to you."

Hell is for children - and parents

In the Pat Benatar song she is describing a situation of a child being abused by her caretakers - in our case mother nature is the parent doing a pretty good job of abusing all of us here. We can't see a gastrointestinal specialist for another month and a half most likely, and all they can tell us in the emergency room is what are you doing here. Sara couldn't get to sleep last night, and the person on the phone from the hospital said we needed to bring her in, and at 2:00 or so in the morning, the greeting attendant in essence told us we were wasting our time and they couldn't do anything for her. Will try to see the pediatrician today, but so far the local doctor can't help much either. Sara keeps asking us why this can't be figured out, when she is in tears in the middle of the night - we are going on line, checking out books, trying to diagnose this on our own - it is starting to look an awful lot like Crohn's Disease, but for the time being - nobody can seem to help - we have fallen through that unclassifiable loop hole of healh care. A woman came in screaming and collapsed to the ground last night - and so it could be worse, but even so - it is still pretty miserable - I was lucky to get the 4 hours of sleep I got last night - not nearly enough..