Ten years ago I walked this street
my dreams were riding tall
Ten years ago was when it all started. By this time in 1996 I had already met Victoria once, at an awkward restaurant gathering. In a society where people are expected to act and talk a certain way, where certain behaviors are considered acceptable and others are not, to the point where often people are so enslaved to the perceived notion of acceptance from others based on acting a certain way, so that they build up a whole persona based not on genuine thought and action, but getting the reward for behaving properly - with San Diego at the time being one of the peak trendy fashion centers of the USA - Victoria's behavior stood out like a red thumb. Even her personal advertisement, mentioning Frankenstein and Steppenwolf - a chick who was actually reading something other than romance novels and having real live thoughts - stood out in a sea of ads where women were looking for a nice, wealthy man to take them on wine and cheese walks through the sunset. Victoria was a thinking woman - and I wasn't coming across too many women thinking outside the limited conventions of society. As an outsider, I knew it was going to take another outsider for me to feel a connection, and I was starting to feel pretty skeptical about it. I was late in life - not experiencing intimacy until almost 25 years of age - not just because of shyness and confidence issues, but also because I had a very difficult time finding a woman I could relate to who wanted to look into herself and explore emotions and discuss real issues, instead of keeping everything on the surface - my experience with the majority of people I have encountered. That type of thinking would just never work for me.
I came across someone who just comes out and gets to the raw emotions, telling me in the first meeting that a lot of pain and misery was apparent to her in observing me, someone just coming out and telling me of her life struggles without trying to dress them up, someone who was on the verge of falling apart and not trying to act like it was anything other than what it was. I admit I felt like I was right out of the twilight zone that evening. Our first date was July 7 - so I am off by a few days here, but reflecting on almost 10 years together - this is as good of a time as any to do it.
People who follow this blog may think we are on the verge of getting divorced. The guy I work with is already giving me financial advice on hiding what I have so that she doesn't get the better of me - and I told him that is not the way we are. Maybe some people out there have it great and never have to think of seeing a marriage counselor - and my response to them is that if your relationship has not been tested to the brink, than you do not really know what it is made of, and I hate to be there the day you find out that it never really was what you thought it was. Ours has has been tested - and may continue to be - but I have faith in one thing - we may need to give each other some space, she may need to spend some time in Chicago to realize that the grass may not be greener there, but I really believe as crazy as it sounds - that this marriage is going to last for life. We continue to be tested - even now with Sara's digestive problems which have been completely draining for us, emotionally, physically through actual exhaustion making several late night trips to medical facilities, and financially when the portions of our bills are going to come due - and will require us to go into even more debt (I guess there can never be enough debt these days for a typical middle class family). But even through the adversity we have been through, and times when I have believed some fleeting fantasies of other women were my version of the grass being greener - I really believe I have found an amazing woman who was made for me - and as much as she may have a hard time admitting it, I believe she feels the same way.
Victoria has a real presence to her. Some people reading this may have conflicts or disputes with her - and there is a reason for this - when she calls you out on something - most likely, as intuitive as she is - she is probably right - and she will not back down - like it or not. Other than a few disagreements I may have with her on lumping races and groups of people together, I know she has always been right about me. I think she is either borderline psychic or gifted on some level, but she has an amazing spirit to her and sometimes I marvel that such a presence has come into my life. I know - life has dealt her some bad blows - as it has me - and we continue to struggle through those. I feel it is my place to inspire her as much as I can, to remind her of the amazing woman that she is, beautiful inside and out - so that she does not lose sight of the force that she is, even when emotions, hormones, exhaustion and depression set in. I believe that whatever force is out there, whether feminine or masculine, expressed as God and Goddess - that this force brought us togtether, that our lives were destined in the stars so to speak and that we will continue to move together in our journey, to support each other as much as we can, be there for each other and our gifted daughter as well. It makes me very grateful to have my marriage, family, and overall - my life. The last 10 years have been a struggle for certain, but no doubt in my mind the best years of my life, and I believe many more are on the way.
Ten years ago was when it all started. By this time in 1996 I had already met Victoria once, at an awkward restaurant gathering. In a society where people are expected to act and talk a certain way, where certain behaviors are considered acceptable and others are not, to the point where often people are so enslaved to the perceived notion of acceptance from others based on acting a certain way, so that they build up a whole persona based not on genuine thought and action, but getting the reward for behaving properly - with San Diego at the time being one of the peak trendy fashion centers of the USA - Victoria's behavior stood out like a red thumb. Even her personal advertisement, mentioning Frankenstein and Steppenwolf - a chick who was actually reading something other than romance novels and having real live thoughts - stood out in a sea of ads where women were looking for a nice, wealthy man to take them on wine and cheese walks through the sunset. Victoria was a thinking woman - and I wasn't coming across too many women thinking outside the limited conventions of society. As an outsider, I knew it was going to take another outsider for me to feel a connection, and I was starting to feel pretty skeptical about it. I was late in life - not experiencing intimacy until almost 25 years of age - not just because of shyness and confidence issues, but also because I had a very difficult time finding a woman I could relate to who wanted to look into herself and explore emotions and discuss real issues, instead of keeping everything on the surface - my experience with the majority of people I have encountered. That type of thinking would just never work for me.
I came across someone who just comes out and gets to the raw emotions, telling me in the first meeting that a lot of pain and misery was apparent to her in observing me, someone just coming out and telling me of her life struggles without trying to dress them up, someone who was on the verge of falling apart and not trying to act like it was anything other than what it was. I admit I felt like I was right out of the twilight zone that evening. Our first date was July 7 - so I am off by a few days here, but reflecting on almost 10 years together - this is as good of a time as any to do it.
People who follow this blog may think we are on the verge of getting divorced. The guy I work with is already giving me financial advice on hiding what I have so that she doesn't get the better of me - and I told him that is not the way we are. Maybe some people out there have it great and never have to think of seeing a marriage counselor - and my response to them is that if your relationship has not been tested to the brink, than you do not really know what it is made of, and I hate to be there the day you find out that it never really was what you thought it was. Ours has has been tested - and may continue to be - but I have faith in one thing - we may need to give each other some space, she may need to spend some time in Chicago to realize that the grass may not be greener there, but I really believe as crazy as it sounds - that this marriage is going to last for life. We continue to be tested - even now with Sara's digestive problems which have been completely draining for us, emotionally, physically through actual exhaustion making several late night trips to medical facilities, and financially when the portions of our bills are going to come due - and will require us to go into even more debt (I guess there can never be enough debt these days for a typical middle class family). But even through the adversity we have been through, and times when I have believed some fleeting fantasies of other women were my version of the grass being greener - I really believe I have found an amazing woman who was made for me - and as much as she may have a hard time admitting it, I believe she feels the same way.
Victoria has a real presence to her. Some people reading this may have conflicts or disputes with her - and there is a reason for this - when she calls you out on something - most likely, as intuitive as she is - she is probably right - and she will not back down - like it or not. Other than a few disagreements I may have with her on lumping races and groups of people together, I know she has always been right about me. I think she is either borderline psychic or gifted on some level, but she has an amazing spirit to her and sometimes I marvel that such a presence has come into my life. I know - life has dealt her some bad blows - as it has me - and we continue to struggle through those. I feel it is my place to inspire her as much as I can, to remind her of the amazing woman that she is, beautiful inside and out - so that she does not lose sight of the force that she is, even when emotions, hormones, exhaustion and depression set in. I believe that whatever force is out there, whether feminine or masculine, expressed as God and Goddess - that this force brought us togtether, that our lives were destined in the stars so to speak and that we will continue to move together in our journey, to support each other as much as we can, be there for each other and our gifted daughter as well. It makes me very grateful to have my marriage, family, and overall - my life. The last 10 years have been a struggle for certain, but no doubt in my mind the best years of my life, and I believe many more are on the way.
posted by Zook at 7:08 AM
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