Let there be orange 

I grieve for you, you leave me..

From I Grieve by Peter Gabriel

First heard this song when my dog Amit died and it seemed to really hit home then. His loss really hit me hard, about as bad as the loss of Jerry Garcia - and both were in the August month which is on the heels of fall. I don't know what it is, but this is always a particularly sad time of year for me. It always feels like someone or something has died and I find my depression that has haunted me my whole life seems to be particularly bad as fall approaches winter, and the days get shorter and the winter weather approaches. I can think of particular things - being isolated from the family I was born into, not having a lot of friends or support out here, people for Sara to play with - but some times it seems like there is no real reason for it, it is just there. This holiday weekend was pretty hard - I got my room painted a sunset orange color, but overall - the sense of isolation and sadness creeps in and doesn't seem to want to leave. A few people have suggested a SADS light - and I have ordered one and will be giving it a try. In the mean time - this is familiar territory for me - "I will survive" but it isn't always easy.

Thank you for the days

those endless days, those sacred days you gave me (From Days by the Kinks)

It has been a tough month - a tough year for that matter. This month this plumbing mess combined with the now repaired electrical problem (the siding installer apparently hit a nail into a wire - good luck getting him to pay for the bill) - provided a water/electrical combination which was pretty intimidating. Seven feet of plumbing has been replaced and now it is a matter of putting the floor back together. We got a flat tire yesterday pulling into a driveway with a hidden drop. The shorter days always have a way of getting me down this time of year.

As far as the year goes, one of the hardest ones I can remember - especially winter. Maybe many couples go through something like this, but things get so bad that leaving seems like a great idea. You dread being around your mate, feel like your needs are not being met, feel angry, resentful - snap at each other. You are there only as an obligation as parents for your child, but not each other. On top of that - I had an impossible workload this winter, with endless driving and plowing through the snow to look at all of the damage, and was emotionally exhausted from everything combined.

So like everything that gets resolved in my life, from my depressions to this marital struggle, it seems like a miracle that we are there for each other, love each other, and have somewhat worked through this. We called my sister in law Vicki back in January and I just want to make note of how supportive and helpful she was at that time. I will never forget that. Also - our therapist was a big help, but more than anything, I really believe we are meant for each other. Just the chances we would ever cross paths statistically are one in a gazillion, but I believe destiny and perhaps divine intervention bring the right people together. For us to work it out, I had to make some personal changes. At the age of 40 I had to break some emotional ties with my parents, and maybe that was 20 years over due. Relying on them, calling them all the time, put them in a position of power over me that ultimately was not helpful to me. Most people can't handle being in power anyway without abusing it. Ultimately, whatever actions they did which were not helping us here, were actions I allowed to happen - so the final responsibility was with me, not them. The buck stops here, so to speak - and out of fear, insecurity, and maybe some feelings of loyalty, I did not know how to change that position, so I believe this all had to happen for that reason. As far as what the future holds with my parents, I believe if it is possible for everyone to interact with courtesy and respect, as our therapist suggested, we can all get along fine. Only time will tell there.

But regardless of that, this marriage and the family situation we have here, has been without a doubt the greatest joy of my life, and feeling like it was moments away from ending makes me appreciate it that much more. I am so thankful that we are all here, in a comfortable house and beautiful area, that we can support each other, love each other and feel good about being where we are. My wife is the most wonderful, beautiful, spiritual woman I have ever come across in my life, and I can never stop appreciating what I have now. Sara is an amazing, gifted child and I think - she has a great future ahead of her, with some possible bumps on the way. I am grateful to everyone in my life (my parents included) who has brought me to the point where I am now. I will always be an emotional cripple to some extent, wading through storms of depression, rage, and anxiety as part of my permanent baggage, but despite all that, I believe I can feel contentment and happiness, but I can't do it by myself. This is an interactive world and we are not islands. Thanks to anyone and everyone, living and non-living, physical and spiritual, who has brought me to where I am, and it is my hope that we can all work through our conflicts with the same outcome that I had.

VOTE FOR PEDRO!!!!!!!!

(if you haven't seen Napoleon Dynamite, you won't get it) 

Sara, Mom and Zukey 

Sara and Mom embrace by the lake 

Sara by Spooner Lake 

Look familiar Mr. Liver?

No - this did not happen in Oregon on the way to the Gorge - this happened today in a driveway in Carson City 

down the pipes... bag it, tag it, ...

lyrics courtesy of Reba by Phish - One big ugly f*cking mess of pipe - about 7 feet (not inches - feet) of drain line look like this - I suspect Liquid Plumber or Drano used by our previous owner 

Our God says there ain't no other

(from Dumb all Over by Frank Zappa)

A long rambling on my personal thoughts on religion: My official position on the existence of God - on a rational level - is that there is no way I can know if God exists. I can never know if there is an afterlife either - until I am put in the position of finding out anyways. Technically though - we rely on our senses for information and have to go on faith that whatever they tell us is really what we are seeing, and hearing. Something inside me in faith on a non-rational level tells me that there is something magical, spiritual, and powerful out there and based on my Judaic upbringing, it makes it a lot easier for me to refer to that entity or being as God - so I do. It seems to make my life better as well, and gives me a sense of relation to the rest of the world. The local miserable couple I once referred to makes it a point to not believe and mock this notion, and the man seems to think the whole world revolves him, that he is entitled to have everything he has instead of being grateful for it, and that is serving as his downfall. Even on a psychological level, the ego has a relation to its much larger and broader self, so that is mirrored in the human/God relationship. It just works for me - and maybe it is my opiate of the masses, but it makes for good song writing material. So - in short - on a non-rational heart level, God exists for me in my heart, but rationally - I can only go by science, which has not proven anything and is also ultimately based on a series of assumptions - and that is where I stand. I guess living out in such an incredibly scenic series of mountains out here, and getting to travel through the Sierras, it is hard not to believe in something mighty powerful.

I cannot quantify or label something that I ultimately can never really know, so to write a book about it to me would be pointless. My religious book is a series of blank empty pages - we can all fill in the blanks. That is why the notion of following any book as the explicit word of God to me is ridiculous, and why I will never subscribe to or belong to any one religion. I think the more you try to write about it and describe it, the further you get from it per the "statements just seem vain at last" line from Terrapin Station.

That being said - I believe that everyone is entitled to believe whatever the heck they want to, as long as no harm is being imposed on others. That is part of my value system - that others should not be hurt and that we should all do our part to get along and make the world a better place. So - ultimately - that is why I have a problem with a lot of Christian people. It probably does not help that in my religious school days us Jews were taught to look at Christians with a lot of suspicion. From what I know about Christianity, I like a lot of the teachings. "Living Buddha, Living Christ" is a book by a Vietnamese Buddhist monk that draws the parallel of the two religions, and suggests Christ was influenced by Buddhism, a religion that has a lot of nice teachings as well. Getting along, loving one's neighbor, serving humanity - who can complain about any of that. The problem I have - not with the religion - but a lot of people practicing it - is the notion that they are right, and everyone else is wrong - and those of us not fortunate enough to get it are spending an eternity in hell. Sure - it is a built in conversion mechanism that allows those who believe to try to convince others through emotional blackmail, but I find that aspect very offensive. I personally think it is a twisted notion that Jesus Christ personally would have never actually stated himself if he is the wise man we think he is. Also - the you're not one of us notion that if you don't go to church, you are excluded - as we often find ourselves - I find to be pretty insulting. I won't even get into the sin and hurt people all you want, as long as you go to church, you can be absolved so that you can continue to hurt - but I have seen a lot of that too. I don't think "God" or Jesus is there to absolve one of personal responsibility and consequences. Yet - there are a lot of great Christian people who really care about helping others more than imposing their beliefs, so - like with any group, there are some bad apples in there.

There are more religions than we can count according to Joesph Campbell, and a lot of them borrow upon the same symbols (like the serpent) and for one to say that they are the right one, and the exclusive one is kind of like walking into Baskin Robbins and being told you can only have vanilla ice cream. I saw a shirt that says God is too big to fit inside one religion. Whatever you believe in, if people could have the ability and security within themselves to respect themselves and others, regardless of the difference of beliefs, than think about how many wars, genocides, tortures (in the name of religious crusades) and hurt could be or could have been avoided. Maybe even people would not find it necessary to blow themselves up in a crowd of people.

Anyway - I am thankful and grateful for my existence, and that being said - it is time for breakfast.

I heard a voice telling me to flee, the very same voice I always believe

(from the JG song "Gomorrah")

I had my very own Gomorrah situation of my own this year, but that is another story.

I haven't heard voices in the traditional sense of the word (with the exception of instances such as the one that resulted at my parents spontaneously meeting me in the middle of the night after a Grateful Dead concert in 1987 at Irvine) - that is to say - in my normal waking sober state, I have never heard any voice except ones that are "really there" so to speak. But - I have heard intuitive voices in my head, not heard in the traditional sense - like with my ears - but I have "heard" them in my mind, and whether it is the voice of God, my subconscious mind - both - or neither, whatever the rational explanation is - these voices tend to usually be pretty profound and intuitive guides that help me through my normal waking state often dominated by doubt, anxiety, insecurity, and self-hatred. In other words - these voices tend to be the voice of reason in an often dark and stuck mindset. These have led to my creative moments - song and lyric writing, insights. Maybe they are what have gotten me through. Even in the darkest depths of my depression, I somehow came up with my Reaching for the Sky words and song - which I still sing to this day, a good 20 years after writing it.

So - low and behold - my daughter Sara reports to hearing them - but according to her - they are not in her head - she really hears them calling her, and turns around and no-one is there. Now it is no secret that there a documented history of mental instability in my family (that being the one I was born into). The family records are lacking on one side of the family more than the other, but suffice it to say everyone in my family - myself included - has exhibited signs of mental health issues at one time or another. Now according to a website I came across, hearing voices does not imply schizophrenia. In fact these voices as I described in my first paragraph - can be very helpful. They are a gift to a certain degree, and we are all gifted but somewhat mentally ill in my family.

So - before you lock my daughter in whatever category you want to come up with, I say - that what may look like a curse to some, is a blessing to others. One man gathers what another man spills (to plagiarize a well known Dead song).

Speaking of blessings - I can count mine. This drain leak was a major anxiety producing pain in the ass, but thanks to kava, the anxiety did not get too far out of control, and one of our ex-neighbors has been a Godsend in helping us get the shot drain pipe fixed and diagnosing the problem. Yes Mr. Liver - the power company is coming out tomorrow (disappointed you could not have been hear yourself on the behalf of Edison, but I know you are a busy dude) and where houses in New Orleans had 8 feet of standing water, we had one heavy duty concentration in one spot - which although disruptive, is manageable and our electrical problems (first clue was Sara and the dog getting shocks while walking in from the sliding glass door) have not burned our house down.

We may not be winning any popularity contests here in redneck - go to praise the lord hallelulah Jesus church or be ostracized Dayton, but we are a great team here within these 4 walls and that to me matters more than anything.

(the full song lyrics composed by Robert Hunter)

Gomorrah

Just a song of Gomorrah, I wonder what they did there
Must've been a bad thing to get shot down for
I wonder how they blew it up or if they burned it down
Get out, get out Mr. Lot and don't you turn around.

Who gave you your orders, someone from the sky
I heard a voice inside my head in the desert wind so dry
I heard a voice tellin' me to flee the very same voice I always believe
Say alot of trouble comin', but it don't have to come to you
I'm telling you so you can tell the rest what you've been through.

But don't you turn around, no, don't look after you
It's not your business how it's done, you're lucky to get through
You're a good upstanding man, a credit to the flock
But if you don't face straight ahead you could not take the shock
Blew the city off the man, left nothing there but fire
The wife of Lot got turned to salt, because she looked behind her.

All the dirty dishes are still in the kitchen sink

(from State of Confusion - Ray Davies)

That picture (for legal purposes) below - may or may not necessarily be in my house - but assuming the possibility that for the sake of argument - it is - and there is a cracked drain line behind the dishwasher that has made a massive mess of everything - and on top of it, before the electricity was shut off to the area, an electric jolt was obtained by touching the wet area - and let's just say that if that is what you may or may not be experiencing - oh what fun! One of our friends in the area who used to live on thiz street was a big help in getting (this theoretical situation) assessed and figured out, and some fans are running now - but all of this enough to keep me from sleeping not too well last night.

That combined with my daughter making a pretty upsetting comment to me yesterday involving her own origins - one that left me feeling completely depressed and deflated - and let's just say - that another crisis is here and alive and well for the time being. So - things can never seem to go too well for too long before they come crashing back to earth as they seem to be doing right at the moment.

Something you don't want to see in your crawlspace 

Deliver me from reasons why, you'd rather cry, I'd rather fly

(from Crystal Ship by the Doors)

Just started adding that one back into my personal line up - and that line stands out - an old LA disc jockey from KMET (maybe KLOS) named Jim Ladd had also pointed out that line in one of his radio shows. (From the looks of it, he is still around).

I have gone from various points of views on the purpose of life (the answer is 42 according the the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy). When I was a miserable teen, I figured it was just completely pointless since there was no such thing as happiness - at least none that I could experience anyways. Flying to one extreme of mania wasn't really that happy to begin with, and I like the Buddhists view of not getting too attached to any one emotion, but overall - I really think that happiness is what we are supposed to try to achieve here, as difficult as it can be, and that it is something that can be attained without flying off into the cosmos in and Estimated Prophet state of delusional mania.

It will be a real test for me since winter is coming with the short days and nasty weather, and intense workload, but right now over all life is good - but it seems like you really have to pay your dues one way or the other to get that - and even then, have to be ready for the next wave of sadness/anger/exhaustion/anxiety that may be around the corner. Some have stated I seem to have really turned my life around based on these postings, but I still am the same guy - same hangups, lurking self hatred (something I still have to work on), moods, and anxiety - all waiting to come out and rear their ugly heads. What has changed for me is having faith in the undefined spirituality of existence, having a strong foundation in my family life now after having worked through our crisis here. Working out an hour of intense sweating cardio (which I am on my way to shortly) after the dog gets his morning half hour walk also makes me feel a lot better - kind of clears the crap out of my system and gets me going for the day.

So - I would be the last to claim I have it all figured out, and if some disaster is lurking in my life, I will promplty fall apart at the drop of a hat, but somewhere I have found some strength to turn around my normal miserable state into a pretty content one, and all I can hope and ask for is that it can stay this way, that more people around me who are suffering for one reason or another, can also find this within themselves too - because I know with faith and perserverance - it is possible. From the Jimmy Cliff Song:

You can get it if you really want
But you must try, try and try
Try and try, you'll succeed at last

I need a miracle every day

from the Weir-cheese classic "I Need a Miracle"

I guess everything in life happens for a reason. The people I wrote to haven't written back, and are probably stuck in hell (as Don Ruiz describes in his book) in their present state, combined with some other people we know here in Dayton who are now separating (there is a definitely a link of misery in these two families). Both of these groups live in lovely million dollar huge homes, that seem like large and vast luxurious prions. We may have a tiny little place, but no matter how big the house is - if there is no love in it, it is not a home. In comparsion to them - I wake up feeling like it is a miracle to be in a peaceful, loving family situation. Yeah - we still bicker at times, but it comes and goes, and there are no more feelings of lingering resentment, anger and feelings of hatred - as there once were - and as there may be with these other folks we know. It seems like a miracle (I could have went with "Waiting for a Miracle" as the title post) to be in such a state of peace and spiritual connectedness. Gotta keep singing my thank you song, maybe I will even re-record now that I have it down, the first recording was kind of choppy and I was reading the words from paper, so some of them got lumped together (along with Lucy's lumpy head).

Been pretty tired this week - daylight shortening has really kicked me in the head, and massive winds are wreaking havoc - blew down a home in Gardnerville under construction that I will have to look at next week.

Heard Jimmy Cliff's version of I Can See Clearly Now - had never really heard the words before - and completely relate to it now. There is nothing quite so powerful as surviving a hellish situation and knowing that "all of the bad feelings have disappeared, here is that rainbow I've been praying for". It gives you a new appreciation for life and gratitude for each day alive and all that one is blessed to have.

Still - feeling very grateful this morning to have it so good!

They used to be so in love, now they fight so much..

that they frightened all their friends away (Ray Davies - Labor of Love)

I was just telling Victoria how one of my on line friends, Kia, was pushing therapy upon me earlier this year. I resisted - have had so much of it already, and not many good experiences - but when you reach that rock bottom point, it is either that or you can't take it any more. Things are so much better here now after doing it, so although I went in kicking and screaming I now thank (fill in the blank) that I did.

So now it is interesting to see I am on the other side now, and now suggesting it to others. It isn't for everyone. Some of my immediate relations will go to their grave in a state of complete self-unawareness, but that is their choice. For people that are in a bad marital state, I think it is a great alternative to say either divorce, or just sticking it out for the sake of the kids. So - it was not easy for me to write a letter to some mutual local friends of ours telling them that they had better do that soon, because they are fighting so much it is hard to be around them. I did it in the most non-judgemental way possible, even suggesting we had been through the same thing, but most likely they will take it personally anywyays - but honestly - I can't take being around them any more if they keep fighting when we visit them, and their screaming children out of control don't help the matter either, since their brand new dream house with all laminate floors is like a built in amplifier for sound.

Our therapist told us that when you start to become more in tune with yourself that some people who you once knew may not get it, and may not stick around any more. All I know is lately I enjoy being in either my own company by myself, or that of my family around me - but if people are going to bring me down, life is too short for that!

So - we shall see what happens from here.