All these trials, will soon be past - show me something built to last

from "Built to Last"

This morning I was thinking about my past relationships - thinking about one of my ex-girlfriends name Bridget - but mainly pondering - why is it that I have had one relationship that lasted almost 10 years straight - the one I am in now - where before that they never lasted more than a year, and mostly only a few months? (Never mind that the end has always appeared to be around the corner here, - the fact is that corner has never actually arrived)

Is it that Victoria is that much of a glutton for punishment that she has been able to put up with me all these years? Well honestly - the answer to that question has to be yes in part. It took a certain element of desperation for any woman to move into my Lehigh shack in San Diego - being the pit that it was, which was why I proudly serenaded her with "Like a Rolling Stone" when she first moved in.

There was something different about her I sensed from the beginning, while at the same time - it was deja vu all over again. For that sense of chemistry to exist, beyond the raw physical attraction - there has to be a certain personality type - and it is no secret that I have always been drawn to troubled women with personality issues (although we are all troubled to some degree in my experience). What is unique about Victoria is that through all of her troubles and personality demons there is an amazing strength in her. I also like that unlike some women I have come across, who absolutely refuse to look into themselves or go into therapy, she has been willing to do that as well. That is why I can agree with her and in her saying that this is the best f---ed up relationship I have ever been in. There is a method to the madness, an anchor to the instability, a foundation to the insanity - where in the past, it was just the first without the second and nothing could hold it together.

I also have to credit her for letting me get out of my system certain things I had to do when I first met her - like fly off and see my Phish concerts, which turned out to be my nicotine patch for all of my Grateful Dead shows, and also see all my sports events in San Diego - Chargers and Padre games. Somehow after getting that out of my system, I have lost interest in doing anything like that any more. Sure it helps that Phish has broken up and there are no real sports events around the Reno area of interest, but other than playing a little bit of guitar - which is still essential for me, I don't need to do anything that really involves being away from the family. I want to be around her and Sara, not away from them. A guy at the gym talked to me about how when you get older, you can't wait to get away from your wife for the weekend, and the guy I work with said the same thing about wanting to take fishing trips, or journeys to another country away from his wife - and honestly I can't relate - I want to be around her as much as I can. But I did have to get the other stuff out of my system first. I know - we did not do as much as a couple at the beginning - we both had plenty of time to ourselves, but I am glad she had the patience to realize it was what I had to do, rather than try to control me and resent me for it - which was what usually came up with the past girlfriends.

I am one of those people who like to be in the same relationship. Not everyone does - some are programmed to alternate between being alone or going from person to person, to chase that initial high of a relationship that always wears off - and my lifestyle may seem incredibly boring to some, but it works for me. I see every day as being the possible last day of my life so that I can appreciate my loved ones around me, since I believe the worst thing to do is take them for granted. And - all the struggles we have been through seem to have made us stronger as a whole since they have not been able to kill us. No - I am not going to expend a big thank you to the personal parties out there who brought us to the edge of the cliff - since that cliff edge is not a place I particularly enjoyed being at or wish to return to. But I can say now that I am on the land and not the air side of the cliff that ultimately it did help us in the end - that point of no return can really put things in perspective (or "too much fu--ing perspective" as Spinal Tap says).

Finally - at the risk of being a kiss ass - since you know I will be reading this to her - I think my wife is a great person - one of those one in a million types - and I credit her - as well as myself - for sticking with this - and making this something built to last. To anyone reading this who may be at that familiar cliff edge I am talking about - just know - there is light at the end of the tunnel if you can stick with it - but both people need to be willing to make the change.

Happy birthday to Heather and the Captain

The 26th day of the month seems to have taken an almost mythological significance lately, from the start of the near end of my marriage on this same day in December, to the near end of my employment with my company I work for about 14 year ago due to my obsessive and neurotic interest in a female I used to work with in San Diego. Now some of you might look at me as that creepy stalker type who would end up trying to assasinate someone, but I try to instead see myself as a shy and introspective type who never really related to well to the females he was interested in for most of his life.

Heather was a flirty, good looking part time worker going to San Diego State, and in retrospect, definitely had a few issues of her own, and her innocent flirting with me planted a seed in my mind that slowly but surely grew into a monstrous creation of its own. I look back and see it was an opportunity for me to get in contact with that vast underwold of my psyche known as the unconscious - but the downfall of this interaction was putting a few thoughts of this experience in writing and dropping it off in the mail to her. She had provided me with her address as we were involved in the "picnic committee" which met at her apartment once, and being too shy to actually ask her out (I did get her a special Calvin and Hobbes T-shirt for her birthday on this date 14 years ago) - I decided a Doestoevsky style letter baring my soul to her would go over better. On a therapeutic level, it worked - but the only problem was she turned it over to her supervisor, and next thing you know, the big shots of the company were plotting ways to drag me off to the nearest mental hospital.

My supervisor at the time may have been a screaming psychopath from hell - but I will give him this - his intervention and sticking up for my character probably was the reason I held onto my job. I had a very tense and embarrasing meeting with my manager and him, was sent off to therapy, she left the company and they had some type of settlement with her (everyone was terrified of "sexual harrassment" - although I don't think it really fell into that category) - and although I ended up having to pay for the therapy myself, somehow I held my job and now it is nothing but a somewhat remote memory. I am married and know better than to ever want to get involved with anyone at work any more, and now I look back at it as a somewhat troubling but essential aspect of my growth.

As for the Captain (his name is Kirk - one of my best friends and my Grateful Dead concert partner of many years) - he ironically was born on the same day - 12 years earlier - which has some kind of astrological significance - and he has a strange but definite resemblance to her on top of that.

Memory lane...

One more Saturday night

Temperature keeps rising, Everybody's getting high.. 

The first days are the hardest days

from "Uncle John's Band"

I have been singing the Gratitude song I posted a couple times a day now - I find it is hard to sing it just once. Victoria likes it too and liked to see it played back on the Windows Media Player with all the visual effects. I think I am going to look back at this as one of the happiest times of my life. It seems like something like this has a tendency to follow a very difficult time and I have already talked about our hard times from earlier this year. We look at Sara's friend Tuesday having to shuttle back and forth between two parents, and we just really feel good that we could work it all out and be there not only for each other, but for Sara too. I just look at the home improvements, the area we live in, the mountains, the scenery, and the two most important people in the world to me who live in my house and I feel very fortunate. Sure - I at times have been envious of my liver buddy for all the assets he has, but to an extent wealth is a state of mind. Taking a look at all the loss of life from natural disasters and this unfortunate war we got sucked into, and seeing how much loss has taken place lately in the world, sometimes I feel bad that I have it so good compared to everyone else who is suffering out there. I just keep thanking whatever higher power is out there for what I have, and I don't need a church or a religious organization of any kind to do that. My church, or synagogue or whatever you want to call it - is there as soon as I step outside to either walk my dog, or strap on my guitar.

I know the difference between happiness, and pure intense joy - the kind I experienced in my manic times. There is a common ground there, but happiness is much more grounded - and it does not mean you don't get down and out at times too - because that happens - but it just does not dominate the way a depression can. Like anything - and everything - you realize it will pass - just like the song "All Things Must Pass" by George Harrison. And also in realizing that all the things I thank God for in my song - will also pass - you express the gratitude while they are still here - knowing that you had better appreciate it while it is here, before it slips by and you never realize how good you had it.

Our loans have just about been spent now - one haunted bed included, along with the furniture, siding, roof, yard and some other stuff. Our neighbors are all shocked. We have seen them stare in a state of complete disbelief at the transformation. The purple house really pissed people off here. The guy who delivered our mattress - when we mentioned our house used to be purple - said - oh this is THE purple house? I guess I know what it is like to some degree to be black in a racist world, in that people really hated us for this house. We got a thank you note from a rep from the home association now that the colors are more neutral. People are going to have to find something else to hate around here, but I am sure they won't have to look too hard. I don't think any of us planned on such a reaction here, but now we look good because we changed what may have been the most hated house in Dayton history to one of the nicest looking houses - on the outside anyway. Inside it is still a disaster, but in time maybe that will change too.

Anyways - time to walk the dog now and revel in the wonders of the beautiful world that surrounds me.

Oakley Arts Center, Fallon, NV

With the Maria De Barros band 

Gratitude

Thank you - for the next breath of air
Thank you - for the clothes that I wear
Thank you - for the roof for my head
Thank you - for the sleep in my bed
Thank you - for friends I still know
Thank you - for the places I get to go
Thank you - for my small share of wealth
Thank you - for my good state of health

Thank you - for the music I hear
Thank you - for my functioning ears
Thank you - for the blazing blue skies
Thank you - I can see with my eyes
Thank you - I can still run and swim
Thank you - I have functioning limbs
Thank you - for the vast heavens above
Thank you - I know pleasures of love

Thank you - for my beautiful bride
Thank you - she is still by my side
Thank you - for each day she's with me
Thank you - for the days that are yet to be
Thank you - for our beautiful little girl
Thank you - for her still innoncent world
Thank you - for the storms we have all weathered
Thank you - that we're still all here together

Thank you - for the work that I have
It stresses me sometimes, for the most part I'm glad
Thank you - for this work I am able
Thank you - for the food on my table
Thank you - for the worlds that I still roam
Thank you - for this sweet castle of my own
Thank you - for the walls that still stand
Thank you - for foundations on solid land

Thank you - for the waters and seas
Thank you - for the mountains and trees
Thank you - for the wood from their logs
Thank you - for the wolves and the dogs
Thank you - for every beast that roams
Thank you - for the places they make their homes
Thank you - for every species that's here
Thank you - this world I will learn not to fear

Thank you - for your infinite spirit
When the time is right, in my music I hear it
Thank you - for the sound of my voice
Thank you - I still make the right choice
Thank you - for this guitar that's in my hands
Thank you - for the music in every land
I know I have taken my life for granted
I know I have complained about the cards I've been handed
I know times I've not wanted to live that day
Thank you - I can appreciate my life today

7 come 11 boys I'll take your money home

from "Candyman"

It is official - we have been had. We bought a mattress out of an outfit advertising in the classified ads - some black market operation - spent over 300 bucks - and it made Victoria nauseous (yeah - the same one that blew off the truck last week). The supplier "Coronet" does not exist, and the seller who was really nice before we bought it essentially told us to go to hell. I researched on the net and a lot have people have bought name brands and had the same reaction. Apparently the glue that holds the mattress together is one nice toxic mess of poison. We are going to have to throw it out and buy another. I have written a letter to the Attorney General, but doubt that will help. Sara got sick sleeping on it, and that was the last straw. I never slept on it myself, but just thinking about it is making me nauseous. Oh well - on the bright side - if there is one - people have been had for a lot more than we were - but it still sucks no matter how you look at it. I knew we were taking a risk in buying it, but had never heard of anything like this. I was more concerned about how long it would hold up.

I will just have to keep singing the song I wrote below to try to focus on the big picture. Hurricanes and earthquakes have not gotten me - yet anyway - and all of us are here in good health. Still - hope no one else reading this has to experience this. If there is a lesson to be learned - watch where you buy your mattress.

Starting up a brand new day

The first time I heard the Sting song Brand New Day my thoughts were something like what the f*** is this cheesy sh*t. I believe I was in a Family Fitness Center locker room in Oceanside, CA - stopping in for a workout between appointments in my San Diego claims adjusting days when I first did. I was a fan of the Police and some of his studio stuff, and even saw him play with his band with Branford Marsalis after his first solo effort at the LA Greek Theater with one of my best friends I have known forever - Eddie - maybe about 20 years ago. His stuff is kind of hit and miss for me and the song just seemed to smack of commercialism.

So interesting how about 6 years after hearing it, I checked it out from the Carson City library and driving to Elko - and hearing it again - listening closely to the words and even looking at some of the words afterwards (I know - not the best idea to read and drive at the same time, but it was quick glances and I was in the middle of nowhere) - but anyways - whenever a song strikes me being the emotional being that I am - I get tears in my eyes and strangely enough this song was doing that for me.

(Feel free to Google the lyrics if you want to)

I think what I like about it is the idea of starting anew with someone you have struggled with, starting a new slate, starting over Just Like Starting Over by John Lennon also touches on that idea) and lately my marriage has felt just like that. It is not non-stop passion - because that is not who we are - but we are closer, we are friends, we hold hands more - and it just feels like we are both there for each other now in a way we were not before. Relationships can be hell - and the lyrics touch on that too - but somehow or another seeing it through can be a wonderful thing. I just wonder how many broken relationships/divorces could possibly have been salvaged if the two people had sought outside help and not given up too soon. No way to know for sure, but in my case I do thank the powers that be that we did not do that!

Now - with that in mind - another 300 miles to cover today without sleeping too well - so I guess I won't be reading any lyrics while driving on the way back.

From my motel room in Elko, Nevada

(I wrote this one back in the fall of 1989 - I had a little crush on a fellow college student named Judy Fox - nothing ever happened with her on that level - that is - except for this song...)

The wind is howling in my face

from "Hell Hole" by Spinal Tap

Those of you who saw my primitive cave on Lehigh Street, home for countless slugs slithering around on the floor, know that I don't have the instinctive tendency towards what many call a civilized lifestyle. Yet, at the same time, I did not want to spend my life without a female by my side, so over the course of time I gradually "sold out", although I still cling to my slob roots as much as possible - just take a look at my own little office/bedroom and it is kind of a tribute to that. All the same, slowly but surely we have been getting real "furniture" here, and the last purchase was a sleigh bed for Victoria, something she has wanted for a long time. We got everything used.

The actual sleigh bed purchase was interesting - the woman we bought it for from a nice area called Galena Heights out here, was kind of rude on the phone - told us the deal was off when we did not come out there as quickly as she wanted us too, but Victoria persisted and sure enough we ended up at her house to buy it. She seemed nice on the outside, but had some definite neurotic and depressive energy (I know - you are thinking I should have felt right at home) and literally freaked out when I pulled out of the driveway at more than 2 miles per hour, for fear of hurting her bed frame we strapped onto the truck. Sara and her friend complained about her all the way back.

Well, the mattress to accompany it was bought yesterday, and we bought it from a wholesaler from a warehouse for what also seemed like a pretty good price. The guy loaded it onto the truck, with the mattress first, and the box springs on top of it. Now - I didn't think anything of it, but Victoria wondered why he was putting the lighter object on top, but did not want to offend him, or make him reload it - so she kept quiet. At the time, there was not even a hint of wind, and it was a nice sunny day, and we figured strapping it down would be good enough. There is always that nervous feeling you have when you have a pickup loaded with crap that it will find its way off, but most of the time you drive back a little nervously and that is the end of it.

Now - for those not familiar with Washoe Valley, it is quite a scenic but dangerous drive which is the only way to get from Reno to Carson City, and a portion of 395 heavily traveled for that reason. It is very windy there, and often people for whatever reason find themselves alive when entering it, and a mangled corpse that never leaves it alive, which is why the folks along the sides of it post signs like "killer highway" that beg people to slow down to the speed limit of 50, which quite often turns into actual speeds of up to 20 above that. It is also a speed trap filled with NHP waiting to give you a ticket for that reason. During the winter it is often almost barely drivable, and the snow and wind always seem to be a little worse there.

So - needless to say that calm day turned into a very windy one upon entering it. I all of a sudden got very nervous and I decided to travel behind a slow moving vehicle going only 40, but Victoria got impatient and told me to pass. I really did not want to, but she said there was no one around, so I made the lane change, only to look up in the mirror and see the wind pick up the box springs like a large pair of hands, lift it into the air and send it flying back. There was no place to pull over and retrieve it, and thankfully it did not appear to hit any vehicles, so we had to drive to the first place the concrete median stopped about a mile away, do a u-turn after re-strapping the mattress, and then drive a another mile or so for a u-turn, all the time wondering how we were going to run into a high speed highway to retrieve a box spring from the road. We found it on the side of the road, with a car next to it, and we were getting ready for the - your box spring caused us to hit it and we wrecked our car because of you story, but it turned out they had an unrelated blown tire, and told us some guys were nice enough to risk their lives and move it to the side of the road. So what potentially could have caused some accidents or car damage thankfully did not. In somewhat windy conditions with cars racing by within inches of us, we were able to load the box springs in the truck again - this time with the mattress on top of it - the right way.

Meanwhile, the bed was next to impossible to set up when we got back. I had asked the woman why the rails were not there, and she said it did not come with them. Well - it did need them and we went back to buy them, only to find they don't quite fit and now the whole set up is slightly crooked since it is lying on the top of one bed rail, and at the bottom of another with about a 1 to 2 inch sloping gap between both sides.

And all this re-inforces my view that we are just better off sleeping on the floor, and the more stuff we have, the more of a mess our lives become - "caught up in the devil's bargain" as the Joni Mitchell lyric goes. I suggested to Victoria that maybe the bed is haunted, and she is pretty freaked out about that now. So - if one of us dies suddenly for some strange reason - you all here know why - it was the bed's fault.

Dug for him a shallow grave, and laid his body down

from "Jack Straw"

Today is October 2 - which means 7 years ago to this date, I drove my reluctant fiance down to the San Diego County Administration Center - dressed in shorts, while she was dressed in a black summer dress - stomach bulging with 7 months of pregnancy - and we paid 100 dollars to exchange the vows - that she burst out laughing in the middle of for good measure. No pictures of the event exist, although we took a walk down Tecolote Canyon and there is a picture of us on that same day. For whatever it is worth - I got poison ivy from being in the canyon in shorts that day. Victoria did not think it would last, her family was all taking bets on how long it would take to collapse - as she had already been through marriage and it looked like I was marrying her just because she was pregnant.

Well - we have come so close to the end that you could practically smell it, but miraculously - we are both still here - and for the time being - doing better than ever. Nobody in a relationship or marriage can ever say they are immune from having theirs die - the odds alone are against everyone of them. There are so many forces that can work against us - it almost seems that people are not meant to be together that long - they change, get on each other's nerves, get interested in people outside of the relationship. I don't believe there is a little grinning man with red horns and a cheesy little pitchfork out there, but the archetypal force that this man represents is indeed a prevalent force that comes to everybody in one form or another - and it certainly has come to me - in the form of the internet in my case, but it has still come. And of course - there was something else too, but no point in beating that one into the ground (which reminds me - thanks for the anniversary card).

My solution - one day at a time - to the problems in a marriage are simple and I haven't even thought of them, as much as adopted them - mainly from a book I have mentioned that made almost too much sense - and they are

1) Be there as much as you can for your partner - If there is some small sacrifice you can do, something to make her happy, something you can do without chopping your arm off in the process (self-sacrificing martyrdom makes no sense and just creates resentment) - than do it!

2) Is this the right person to begin with? - If so, nothing in the world can make it work. You can't force two puzzle pieces together that don't fit. But even if it is, and in my case, I completely believe that - you still have to work at it.

3) Get outside of yourself - the relationship is bigger than the two people that make it happen - it is like a being in itself. If something is happening that makes one person feel good, but it not good for the whole being, than seriously consider if it is worth the consequences.

4) She can't do it all for you.. She can make you feel good, provide marital releases, warmth, and affection - but she absolutely cannot fill that empty depressed void in your soul (or my soul to be accurate). That has to come from within. I have found that trusting that to my own "do it yourself" set of spiritual forces and beliefs adopted from a series of different belief systems, but not contained exclusively to anyone of them - has been a big help here. Driving though and seeing the mountains around here, and walking by and viewing the incredible "Rawe Peak" I am fortunate enough to live next to - has been a huge source of inspiration to me. Whatever it takes - do it. I think we are all spiritual creatures, regardless of whether or not we believe in "God" and connecting to that force is essential to our sense of well being and fulfillment. There is no person can do that for us - we are on our own there, but our partner can help us along the way. The more we capture that, the more we bring it home to our partner and it ultimately strengthens the relationship - and I have seen that happen here.

5) Work with what you have - It is easy to get caught up in what everyone else seems to have, and dwell on the empty cup instead of the half full one. It might seem like everyone out there is having constant 24 hour a day sex and passion and think why am I shut out of that, but I don't think anyone can keep that up for too long (oops - did not intend a pun there) . I find I am appreciative of just any touching now - even holding her hand can seem like an incredibly moving experience if I tune in and focus on it.

6) "Thank God every day for what you have" - I am quoting a widow who sold us a headboard yesterday - and what better person to put that in perspective. We all are on borrowed time here - and just as our lives will end, our relationships will too. Every day could be the last, we can walk outside and get hit by a car, or die of a sudden heart attack. If you treat every moment like it could be the last, every goodbye like it may be the last time you see your partner, the urge to fight and hold a grudge will seem trivial in comparison. Becoming fully aware that nothing is permanent keeps us from taking what we have for granted.

All this seems to be working for me, and moving back to my original quote, I am trying to re-invent the essence of myself, and bury the more negative aspects of myself that seemed to dominate in the past. It is not like I can ever completely shed them, but in balance and perspective, they don't have to be the dominant forces, more at the back than the front of the ship. I really believe this can work. I really believe it is a miracle that we have been through hell here, and where many in our position have abandoned the ship altogether, we for whatever reason or another have stuck with it and I think our best days are still ahead.