Dug for him a shallow grave, and laid his body down
from "Jack Straw"
Today is October 2 - which means 7 years ago to this date, I drove my reluctant fiance down to the San Diego County Administration Center - dressed in shorts, while she was dressed in a black summer dress - stomach bulging with 7 months of pregnancy - and we paid 100 dollars to exchange the vows - that she burst out laughing in the middle of for good measure. No pictures of the event exist, although we took a walk down Tecolote Canyon and there is a picture of us on that same day. For whatever it is worth - I got poison ivy from being in the canyon in shorts that day. Victoria did not think it would last, her family was all taking bets on how long it would take to collapse - as she had already been through marriage and it looked like I was marrying her just because she was pregnant.
Well - we have come so close to the end that you could practically smell it, but miraculously - we are both still here - and for the time being - doing better than ever. Nobody in a relationship or marriage can ever say they are immune from having theirs die - the odds alone are against everyone of them. There are so many forces that can work against us - it almost seems that people are not meant to be together that long - they change, get on each other's nerves, get interested in people outside of the relationship. I don't believe there is a little grinning man with red horns and a cheesy little pitchfork out there, but the archetypal force that this man represents is indeed a prevalent force that comes to everybody in one form or another - and it certainly has come to me - in the form of the internet in my case, but it has still come. And of course - there was something else too, but no point in beating that one into the ground (which reminds me - thanks for the anniversary card).
My solution - one day at a time - to the problems in a marriage are simple and I haven't even thought of them, as much as adopted them - mainly from a book I have mentioned that made almost too much sense - and they are
1) Be there as much as you can for your partner - If there is some small sacrifice you can do, something to make her happy, something you can do without chopping your arm off in the process (self-sacrificing martyrdom makes no sense and just creates resentment) - than do it!
2) Is this the right person to begin with? - If so, nothing in the world can make it work. You can't force two puzzle pieces together that don't fit. But even if it is, and in my case, I completely believe that - you still have to work at it.
3) Get outside of yourself - the relationship is bigger than the two people that make it happen - it is like a being in itself. If something is happening that makes one person feel good, but it not good for the whole being, than seriously consider if it is worth the consequences.
4) She can't do it all for you.. She can make you feel good, provide marital releases, warmth, and affection - but she absolutely cannot fill that empty depressed void in your soul (or my soul to be accurate). That has to come from within. I have found that trusting that to my own "do it yourself" set of spiritual forces and beliefs adopted from a series of different belief systems, but not contained exclusively to anyone of them - has been a big help here. Driving though and seeing the mountains around here, and walking by and viewing the incredible "Rawe Peak" I am fortunate enough to live next to - has been a huge source of inspiration to me. Whatever it takes - do it. I think we are all spiritual creatures, regardless of whether or not we believe in "God" and connecting to that force is essential to our sense of well being and fulfillment. There is no person can do that for us - we are on our own there, but our partner can help us along the way. The more we capture that, the more we bring it home to our partner and it ultimately strengthens the relationship - and I have seen that happen here.
5) Work with what you have - It is easy to get caught up in what everyone else seems to have, and dwell on the empty cup instead of the half full one. It might seem like everyone out there is having constant 24 hour a day sex and passion and think why am I shut out of that, but I don't think anyone can keep that up for too long (oops - did not intend a pun there) . I find I am appreciative of just any touching now - even holding her hand can seem like an incredibly moving experience if I tune in and focus on it.
6) "Thank God every day for what you have" - I am quoting a widow who sold us a headboard yesterday - and what better person to put that in perspective. We all are on borrowed time here - and just as our lives will end, our relationships will too. Every day could be the last, we can walk outside and get hit by a car, or die of a sudden heart attack. If you treat every moment like it could be the last, every goodbye like it may be the last time you see your partner, the urge to fight and hold a grudge will seem trivial in comparison. Becoming fully aware that nothing is permanent keeps us from taking what we have for granted.
All this seems to be working for me, and moving back to my original quote, I am trying to re-invent the essence of myself, and bury the more negative aspects of myself that seemed to dominate in the past. It is not like I can ever completely shed them, but in balance and perspective, they don't have to be the dominant forces, more at the back than the front of the ship. I really believe this can work. I really believe it is a miracle that we have been through hell here, and where many in our position have abandoned the ship altogether, we for whatever reason or another have stuck with it and I think our best days are still ahead.
Today is October 2 - which means 7 years ago to this date, I drove my reluctant fiance down to the San Diego County Administration Center - dressed in shorts, while she was dressed in a black summer dress - stomach bulging with 7 months of pregnancy - and we paid 100 dollars to exchange the vows - that she burst out laughing in the middle of for good measure. No pictures of the event exist, although we took a walk down Tecolote Canyon and there is a picture of us on that same day. For whatever it is worth - I got poison ivy from being in the canyon in shorts that day. Victoria did not think it would last, her family was all taking bets on how long it would take to collapse - as she had already been through marriage and it looked like I was marrying her just because she was pregnant.
Well - we have come so close to the end that you could practically smell it, but miraculously - we are both still here - and for the time being - doing better than ever. Nobody in a relationship or marriage can ever say they are immune from having theirs die - the odds alone are against everyone of them. There are so many forces that can work against us - it almost seems that people are not meant to be together that long - they change, get on each other's nerves, get interested in people outside of the relationship. I don't believe there is a little grinning man with red horns and a cheesy little pitchfork out there, but the archetypal force that this man represents is indeed a prevalent force that comes to everybody in one form or another - and it certainly has come to me - in the form of the internet in my case, but it has still come. And of course - there was something else too, but no point in beating that one into the ground (which reminds me - thanks for the anniversary card).
My solution - one day at a time - to the problems in a marriage are simple and I haven't even thought of them, as much as adopted them - mainly from a book I have mentioned that made almost too much sense - and they are
1) Be there as much as you can for your partner - If there is some small sacrifice you can do, something to make her happy, something you can do without chopping your arm off in the process (self-sacrificing martyrdom makes no sense and just creates resentment) - than do it!
2) Is this the right person to begin with? - If so, nothing in the world can make it work. You can't force two puzzle pieces together that don't fit. But even if it is, and in my case, I completely believe that - you still have to work at it.
3) Get outside of yourself - the relationship is bigger than the two people that make it happen - it is like a being in itself. If something is happening that makes one person feel good, but it not good for the whole being, than seriously consider if it is worth the consequences.
4) She can't do it all for you.. She can make you feel good, provide marital releases, warmth, and affection - but she absolutely cannot fill that empty depressed void in your soul (or my soul to be accurate). That has to come from within. I have found that trusting that to my own "do it yourself" set of spiritual forces and beliefs adopted from a series of different belief systems, but not contained exclusively to anyone of them - has been a big help here. Driving though and seeing the mountains around here, and walking by and viewing the incredible "Rawe Peak" I am fortunate enough to live next to - has been a huge source of inspiration to me. Whatever it takes - do it. I think we are all spiritual creatures, regardless of whether or not we believe in "God" and connecting to that force is essential to our sense of well being and fulfillment. There is no person can do that for us - we are on our own there, but our partner can help us along the way. The more we capture that, the more we bring it home to our partner and it ultimately strengthens the relationship - and I have seen that happen here.
5) Work with what you have - It is easy to get caught up in what everyone else seems to have, and dwell on the empty cup instead of the half full one. It might seem like everyone out there is having constant 24 hour a day sex and passion and think why am I shut out of that, but I don't think anyone can keep that up for too long (oops - did not intend a pun there) . I find I am appreciative of just any touching now - even holding her hand can seem like an incredibly moving experience if I tune in and focus on it.
6) "Thank God every day for what you have" - I am quoting a widow who sold us a headboard yesterday - and what better person to put that in perspective. We all are on borrowed time here - and just as our lives will end, our relationships will too. Every day could be the last, we can walk outside and get hit by a car, or die of a sudden heart attack. If you treat every moment like it could be the last, every goodbye like it may be the last time you see your partner, the urge to fight and hold a grudge will seem trivial in comparison. Becoming fully aware that nothing is permanent keeps us from taking what we have for granted.
All this seems to be working for me, and moving back to my original quote, I am trying to re-invent the essence of myself, and bury the more negative aspects of myself that seemed to dominate in the past. It is not like I can ever completely shed them, but in balance and perspective, they don't have to be the dominant forces, more at the back than the front of the ship. I really believe this can work. I really believe it is a miracle that we have been through hell here, and where many in our position have abandoned the ship altogether, we for whatever reason or another have stuck with it and I think our best days are still ahead.
posted by Zook at 6:12 AM
1 Comments:
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY you 2! Love ya both :)
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