I finally got my own back yard! 

In the night of the iron sausage

Another Zappa quote from "Torture Never Stops" and a line filled with possible imagery, considering that the "iron sausage" is apparently going to be an instrument of torture. Kind of what I felt that needle fishing though my veins on my birthday was before I passed out.

Now - the official results of the test - are: I am completely fine. Blood sugar - good, triglycerides - once were high - now - are fine, cholesterol is at 143 - as low as it has ever been (thanks Mom and Dad for the genes) - and only possible concern is bad cholesterol is a little high, (maybe because I ate out the night before) and they said if I am not doing it now, to exercise. What I have changed is how I exercise. If you leave the gym and you aren't covered with sweat, you aren't trying hard enough - so I have stepped up the cardio effort level when I am there, which is 4-5 times a week. I take a long walk on the weekends. Now with hypoglycemia, I understand the tests aren't always accurate - but for me the message of my dizzy spells was to watch what I eat, and since I have started doing that, my weight is no longer spiralling out of control and I feel better on top of that. I have oatmeal or hot grain cereal in the morning which makes me feel more full than cold cereal, eat more smaller meals, and a put a stop to eating at night - and now I don't feel faint or ravenous any more. Bad eating habits are like an avalanche that spiral out of control. Like the Buddhists say - if you are "mindful" of your actions, your life improves - and that applies to eating as well as anything else. So - my weight will do what it will - I am never going to be the portrait of fitness, but as long as I am trying, that is all I can ask for.

Prisoners grumblin, piss their clothes, and scratch their matted hair

Frank Zappa "The Torture Never Stops"

I was trying to think of a good song lyric for my birthday, but the answer found it itself. My dreaded hypo-glycemia test took place today. I had previously mentioned that I had heard horror stories about this test. Well - I am not good with drawing blood. Back around 1988 or 1989 - I had a lithium level check and ended up on the ground after pissing in my pants back at a lab in UCSD. So - with that in mind - I always tell the lab techs that I am vulnerable to fainting - and I did the same today - yet somehow I ended up in a chair anyway.

I fasted after 7:00 PM like normal. Ate out at a local Mexican restaurant that reminds me at times of my parents' visits here. The food there has really gone down hill, and Victoria ended up complaining to the restaurant, but that was the last thing I ate. Showed up at the lab in Carson City at 7:10 today and had to wait an hour until the first blood draw.

The first tech was pretty good - even told me if I don't think bad thoughts about the procedure, I won't create them - and she was quick about it. I had a little glucose soda that tasted like Sprite and went back to my car. They check your blood levels 3 more times on the hour to see how you do.

Well - it was draw number two at around 9:15 that was the festive one. The woman who was clearly more inexperienced than the first one gave me a play by play in vivid detail about how hard it was to find a good juicy vein in my right arm to draw upon. It kept seeming like it was going on forever - and then when I thought she was done - it was still going on. She gave one extra good poke and I felt a surge of pain and expressed that to her. Then she went fishing in the other arm, even though the first tech had made it clear that my right arm was the good one. They kept asking me "are you okay" (remember NY 89-90 Mr. Liver?) and maybe it was because I clearly was not. I then mentioned again - maybe one time too late - that normally I do these tests lying down. The last thing I remember was another tech walking by and announcing to the entire world and anyone else interested "he looks very pale".

The next thing I remember was this strange sense of disorientation like waking up from a dream and not knowing where the hell you are - only to be greeted by the same charming inquisition "are you okay". I told them I had fallen asleep and they said they had lost me for a bit. Well - I looked down and low and behold - some nice charming wet areas in my pants, and a little puddle on the ground for good measure. They wiped it up because they did not want me to trip on it. They helped me to the back room with the mattress I had hinted at the entire time, and then for good measure - took blood from me one more time shortly after since the first fishing expedition had been in "vein" - (yes pun intended).

Victoria showed up a little later after I took a nap, and thought the whole thing was very funny. I had a change of clothes in the car, and then they drew blood another two times at 10 and 11:15 without incident.

We ate out at my favorite restaurant in the area "India Curry" - an all you can eat buffet, and naturally I was starving and helped myself to one of the best meals ever. We shared some nice moments alone at home, and now everything is groovy again.

All these people that you mention, yes I know them - they're quite lame..

I had to re-arrange their faces, and give them all another name"

Bob Dylan - Desolation Row

Oops - almost thought it was Desperation not Desolation Row. Don't know how that applies to this post, but it sounded good.

I was going to go with XTC's "people will always be tempted to wipe their feet with anything written welcome on it", but subbed it out at the last minute, though the XTC line is actually more appropriate.

Lately my life lesson is assertion. The cruel realty is if you don't stand up, people do have a way of walking all over you. This year I have learned that with many different people - they know who they are for the most part. Now it is with our contractor. He was in a real hurry to collect from us, and we foolishly paid him a hefty amount, but once we did, he wasn't in a real hurry to fix the work that he had not done to our liking. Once I forked out the money to put a stop payment on that same check, he changed his tune real quickly though - from - I can't get out there until I am in the area again, to - I will be out there tomorrow. Funny how that works - and another near sleepless night to experience, but that seems to be the theme for me this entire year - with everyone from my family, to my boss at work, to the guy I work with - and now - this contractor.

And the race is on

Okay - I have officially resolved to stop being so much of a pig, to start working out harder, and to try to drop down some of that monster that is hanging below my belt. I did it before about 2 years ago, but I took the eye off the ball. Also finding if I cut back on sugar, eat more small high protein meals, that I am not so ravenous. In honor of my upcoming 40th birthday, I am going to take the glucose hypoglyemia test bright and early that morning - that should be a lot of fun. A woman at the gym scared me a little - said someone she knew took the test and got sick for a week, but I am going to do it regardless. I survived a 600 plus mile back and forth to Elko the other day, and eating right definitely helped. One of my more boring entries - I know - but I still had to post it.

Sometimes the songs that we hear, are just songs of our own

(title post from GD song "Eyes of the World")

I posted a song below. Initially I felt embarrassed doing it - kind of the feeling that you might have if you are taking care of a particular need (anyone who knows me knows what I am referring to) and then find out everyone was watching you - kind of like out of some dream where your bare naked soul is revealed to the world for everyone to laught at. Yet all the same - emotionally that is what I do here - that is with all 3 of you that may be reading this! Sometimes I think it is more "embarrassing" for some of you than it is for me. But anyway, before I post the words to my song - let me explain..

An older woman at work introduced me to the writings of Carl Jung back in San Diego years ago. I can't say I read all, or even most of what he wrote, but I read enough of what he wrote along with some of his offshoot "Jungian" authors, saw some of them speak live at the "Friends of Jung" in San Diego, to get the general idea of it. And like Freud - he writes about the vast world of the unconscious mind. Yet unlike Freud, he paints us out more to be spiritually driven than sexually driven creatures. And anyway - one of the concepts that really fascinated me was the concept of the "anima". The anima is essentially the inner female of a man. It may be expressed im many forms, but ultimately, when a man is attracted to a female on the outside world, it is connecting with his inner woman. The female parent obviously has a lot to do with his first exposure to a woman, so naturally it is no surprise that the woman he ends up with as his mate shares some of her characteristics. If you really want to read up more, just google "anima jung". I just did it and here is one of the quotes I came up with, two of his own quotes:

"What can a man say about woman, his own opposite? I mean of course something sensible, that is outside the sexual program, free of resentment, illusion, and theory. Where is the man to be found capable of such superiority? Woman always stands just where the man's shadow falls, so that he is only too liable to confuse the two. Then, when he tries to repair this misunderstanding, he overvalues her and believes her the most desirable thing in the world."

"The more remote and unreal the personal mother is, the more deeply will the son's yearning for her clutch at his soul, awakening that primordial and eternal image of the mother for whose sake everything that embraces, protects, nourishes, and helps assumes maternal form, from the Alma Mater of the university ot the personification of cities, countries, sciences and ideals"


Anyway - there is a heck of a lot more to it than that - but it is a start. So - needless to say - even if you recongize it on a rational level, when you are falling in love with a woman, ultimately it is a link to and from your own self - and when you are in love what you see is not always what you get. That is why people often break up after the initial "magic" wears off. That is why a woman on the internet - who I have never met and never will meet - appeared to be such a magical cure all force to me this winter. The more I found out about her - I knew I could never get along with her in reality - her fundamental Christian faith, interest in pop-country music (that I hate with a passion), Republican views - I mean other than the fact that we both had fucked up childhoods, there was nothing else there. But the scarey thing about the internet is that it is the ultimate projection ground because there is nothing at all to break up the fantasy with anything in reality. That is why I hear about so many people falling in love on the net, and often with ominous results (Victoria pointed out to me a story on TV where a man fell in love with a mysterious woman and then butchered his own wife of 35 years to death after doing it. I assured her that I will be much more humane when I do her in.)

When I met my wife, I was drawn to her based on my "anima" as well, but there was always something that seemed more practical about it than any situation I had been in before. I fell in love to a degree, but I also knew that there was enough of a bond there that I could spend my life with her, and I knew it pretty quickly. She is the type of woman that I could be friends with even if I had no physical interaction with her. When I first came across her, I was hoping she would be my friend. After all - it was a "just friends" ad in the San Diego Reader that brought me to her. I thought that was all she wanted too!. She mentioned the books "Steppenwolf" and "Frankenstein" in her ad. She liked reading books that actually required some thought, had a diverse cultural interest in music, she was someone like me who liked to think, and ponder why we are here and what we are about - and frankly, I have not come across a lot of females who do that. We have struggled over the years, because we do clash on many levels, but now we are doing better than ever. As pointed out in the "Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Ruiz, the key to a relationship is to see that a certain amount of love must come from within. If you rely on your mate as your sole source of your love fix, you place to much of a burden of her and your own expectations make that impossible for her to ever live up to that. And then, low and behold, you go out looking for the void somewhere else. With the internet you don't even need to step outside your door.

So - it dawned on me several months after my interaction with my internet woman came to a stop - that the whole thing had started and ended in one place - my mind. If it started there, it could end there - and live on - in my mind only, without any interaction with her on the outside whatsoever. So I thought of all the women I had ever fallen in love with, and combined them into one woman in my mind - and to an extent, that is how I relate to Jung's anima. It is like believing in any faith, God for example. If you can believe in love as a force, you don't need anyone "out there" to fill the void. Then - if you are alone, you can either stay that way, or be in a much better position to find someone without being desperate. If you are married, you can come into the pardnership with your cup as full as possible, without relying on your mate to fill it for you. I have tried it lately, and it seems to be working out great. I appreciate the glass much more for being half full, than empty. I appreciate what I do have here, and try not to obsess as much over what I don't. And with all that rambling aside, here are the words to my song:

Anima Devotion

All of my life I’ve wanted an angel
Feed me hugs and kisses an eternal fire
At 13 I fell so madly in love
With a stranger I soared just higher and higher
Then came the crash falling flat on my face
The rejection and sadness wouldn’t let me be
Now with some concentration and meditation
I know that my angel she has never, never, ever left me

I once called her Cathy once called her Renee
But she never was gone, never left or went away
With devotion and faith to her now she never will roam now
She lives in my heart, I’m just bringing her, bringing her right back home

I can have all the love I ever have needed
If I click my shoes 3 times and just believe
I don’t need no explosive, passionate affairs
If I close my eyes that love’s always gonna be there
I can feel her spirit kissing me on my mouth
Hold her softly warmly as the tears start to fall
I once called her Heather once called her Tracy
But the truth is she’s everyone and no-one and no-one and no-one at all

I once called her Christina once called her Sharon
Now they all have left but she still lives on
With devotion and faith to her now she never will roam
She lives in my heart now, I’m just bringing her, bringing her right back home

Got to pay attention to that woman inside
Pray tribute to the Goddess with dream love and song
So I won’t have to chase some elusive dream
I can stay here at home, now where I belong
I once called her Cathy long ago yesterday
But she never has gone, never left and went away
With devotion and faith to her now she never will roam
She lives in my heart, I’m just bringing her, bringing her right back home

I don't know how to stop

Well - so much for all the weight I lost last year - it is all creeping back along with that monster gut that had once diminished. For a while I was an exercisaholic, riding the stairstepper (the one where it sinks straight down on you) for an hour every day without fail, until my knees cried for help and I backed off. I still hit the gym 3 to 5 days a week, but I don't stay on as long. My main problem is food. When I diet I have to force myself to go hungry some of the time. Now I find that I am borderline "hypoglycemic" and I start to feel weak and nervous if I don't eat, especially after breakfast heading toward lunch, and then I am so hungry when I get home I am ready to kill the entire refrigerator. I have been able to stop eating at night, but the scale seems to keep on moving up.

I am seeing the doctor for a physical tomorrow - just before I hit my 40th. My father had suggested I discuss this with the doctor, and believe it or not, I do listen to him, at least once in a while.

Anima devotion

I'm probably wondering why you're here...

Apparently there are millions of blogs out there. Nothing original at all about me doing this at all. My family and friends have access to the site link, and it is posted on a couple websites, so I keep that in mind when I post here and believe it or not, I actually censor some stuff here (in my journal for example I let loose a lot more). Initially I was more provocative, but I have learned to hold back a little.

I believe the majority of people who are that bored that they actually want to read what I have to say don't acknowledge they are actually here reading this, but some times I find out about them later when they tell me. I can't believe that my audience is that vast and extensive, unless there are that many bored and miserable people out there - who more than likely have scanned through many blogs for many hours before stumbling upon this one. If I am hitting double digits, than you people out there must be very desperate for something to do!

Survived my first sleep over with my friend Tuesday 

Purple haze - no more

The new and improved garage wall 

Red Cross site link

http://store.yahoo.com/redcross-donate2


I have donated 100.00 to the hurricane relief efforts already - hopefully everyone can donate something too - it sounds like it is pure living hell out there.

His eyes were clear and pure, but his mind was so deranged

I remember an interview with Charles Manson where the interviewer asked him if he was insane. His answer was something like "that's relative". What an excellent answer and how true. As an advocate of "harm none" I certainly do not agree with brutal stabbings, but I know a great observation when I hear it.

I want to share a comment excerpt below in response to a posting of mine:

"maybe your kid needs therapy cuz her parents are nuts and never leave her alone and humiliate her.. food for thought"

As far as humiliating her goes, I think both of us here go out of our way to treat our daughter with respect. We aren't perfect by any means, but we treat her with far more respect than either one of us were treated as kids by our own parents. Maybe it is a generational approach that was lacking in our time.

Now getting to the real point - are both of us "nuts"? Of course we are! Part of my own self-acceptance process is to not only realize that I have a ton of issues, but as the Saturday night live character (Stuart played by Al Franken) says - that's okay. I am good enough, I am smart enough and darn it I like myself - as cheesy as it sounds, that about sums it up. Coming from a crazy family, both genetically and in personality (wherever you draw the line there) I naturally am crazy myself. Then again - who do I know in this world who is not? Certainly nobody I have ever met or known. Maybe some Buddhist masters who have spent years in deep meditation are there, but as pointed out in the Don Ruiz book I just read, we are all sick people living in a world of hell where all of us are crazy and nobody seems to admit it. If everyone around you is sick, then insanity becomes the norm. Then, it is those of us who stand out in our mental illnesses who serve as a projection board for denial, which obviously was the case in this gentleman making this comment. Yes - I am crazy - I am not afraid to admit it. Chances are - you reading this - are too. Whether it is expressed in addiction to money, drugs, alcohol (wine in Mr. Liver's case), control, obsesssive religion, an eating disorder, anxiety, or one of the hundreds of symptom possibilities, chances are there is something wrong with you too.

Anyway - I could spend all day on this subject, but I want to focus on my relationship here at home. Every woman I have been involved with has had some variation of mental illness - no surprise given the fact that we are drawn to our parents, and my mother (I am not saying this in judgement) certainly has some issues of her own. What stands out about my current partner who I am married to is she is the most stable crazy person I have ever known, and that is why we have been together almost 10 years. She is the foundation I need in my life, and nothing I have now would be possible without her. Sure - my parents can take the money credit for putting me through school and helping out with the house down payment, and the education, but I would not have my family, house, career - any of that - without Victoria in my life. I would probably still be living in the cave on Lehigh Street in San Diego with the slugs crawling all over the floor.

This winter I thought a woman in another state was the answer to all my problems. Well - come to find out - this woman is a full blown Jesus freak. To each his or her own - but can you imagine me - an outspoken Jew who used to take pride in telling off all the Jesus freaks at my campus who would try to approach me and convert me to their views - can you imagine that person lasting 5 seconds with a full blown born again Christian? Probably not. This is what I have here that I could probably not have just about anywhere else - stability. My parents who are so fixated on the fact that my wife has not held a monetary job for long should appreciate her for the miraculous force in my life that she is. They never will - but that's okay - I certainly do.

American Red Cross donation link for hurricane relief

http://store.yahoo.com/redcross-donate2