The hospital or the house of the rising sun - compare and contrast study

The only thing a gambler needs
Is a suitcase and a trunk
And the only time he's satisfied
Is when he's on a drunk

Oh mothers, tell your children
Don't do what I have done
And spend your life in sin and misery
In the house of the Rising Sun

This month has been the piece of shit that Eric Idle must have been thinking about when he wrote the song that concludes the end of Life of Brian. My favorite scene is when the messiah tells his followers to FUCK OFF, only to have his devoted follower inquire as to "how shall we fuck off, oh lord", but already I am straying...I know everyone has it bad at times, and I am probably sounding like a big whiner, and you might as well break out the violins, but for me in my own little way, having the last bit of my savings assaulted through various events of the month from car repair to repeated occurrences of fox tails in my dog's throat, falling off my bike and tweaking my arm, all the crises that exist in the household - yeah - I would say as months go, I am ready for June 2006 to end. But - it was not over, not by a long shot. Sara's digestive ailments found me at 12:30 in the morning on Sunday night, in a delirious rudely interrupted state from sleep, driving into the night to track down the emergency room to figure out what we could do. The doctors on call by phone tell you to go at once, and then once you get there and find your way through the bureaucracy, the essential feeling you get from the doctor, is what the hell are you doing here wasting my time when I have dying people to attend to.

Hospitals are always kind of depressing, the lights are too bright, the environment always seems to be very sterile and devoid of any type of spirituality, like once you come into die of cancer, a vicious car accident, or whatever it is you happen to be dying of, that you are going to be a lab specimen on a table, staring into the bright florescent lights, waiting for your time to expire and the great unknown to become known. People are moaning, coughing out of control, throwing up - at their worst ever - and at the wee early morning hours in a sleep deprived state, it all seems quite surreal and mainly a bad nightmare, when more than anything, you just want to be back in bed and sleeping, thinking - oh that was just a dream. They took an x-ray, found out she was very backed up, and basically told us to go see a doctor to get to the root of the agonizing screams from stomach ailments and gas pain that brought us all there to begin with. The next day's follow up visit to the doctor on 3 hours sleep - dealing with nightmare of trying to find a doctor who could see her on short notice, and even the greater nightmare of trying to get my HMO on the phone to approve the temporary switch in doctors and feeling like the whole thing was about to drive me over the deep end, and then sitting in the doctor's office feeling like bugs were crawling up my skin and second guessing my own participation in an ongoing dispute I have with someone I know here locally, was all enough to get me to want to check in permanently to the nearest local mental ward.

But - two nights later, the nightmare re-surfaced and we once again found our way trekking back to the emergency room one more time, this time a couple hours earlier - at 10:30 instead of 12:30, but even so - cries and screams of anguish coming from both passengers in the vehicle, questioning whether the first visit's somewhat futile experience would be repeated, at a generous co-pay of 100 dollars a visit, and it was like getting kicked in the head a second time just when I felt like I was possibly on the verge of recovering from the first one.

And so somewhat ironically, when Sara requested a spontaneous pee stop at the side of the dark Highway 50 leading into Carson City, I became aware of a very ironic fork in the road, so to speak. As she was doing her business, I realized that a sign was pointing to the location of the world famous Bunny Ranch, just about a mile or so down the road. As I stood there getting ready to drive off to the hospital for the second time, I couldn't help but recognize how profound the implications of the pee stop happened to be. Here I was - on my way to the hospital, and yet because of the end result of the same pleasure (pregnancy and birth) certain lucky men happened to be enjoying down the road, I was in this very situation that really was not so pleasurable at all.

But the more I think about it - how much different is the Bunny Ranch from the Carson Tahoe Emergency Room? Both involve two of the oldest documented professions. Think about it - you can say that the emergency room can be a matter of life or death for those who choose to visit it? Maybe so - but at the same price of the bill one may be facing without insurance coverage (last I checked a visit to a prostitute is not covered under my HMO - but I think it is kind of hypocritical and it should be covered) - it must be a matter of life and death for a man who has had sex - let's say for the sake of argument - 2 times with his wife in the last 9 months - if he is getting ready to pay up to a thousand dollars or more for the simple act of relieving massive sperm accumulations, similar in some way to the massive fecal back up that my daughter happened to be experiencing. Both places are providing a service, designed to provide a sense of healing and relief for the parties who are entering the premises. Both are quite pricey and expensive, and in the business of profiting because those are suffering. Both are designed to make the stay at the respective premises as comfortable and hospitable as possible. At the hospital after surgery, x-rays, and treatment you are told to take medication as needed and then follow up as needed. At the Bunny Ranch, after a mind blowing orgasm with the prostitute of your choice, your prescription is in essence to go back and re-live the experience to the best of your ability, and then return for follow up if the experience requires repeating. At the hospital they give you a bracelet to wrap around your wrist, at the bunny ranch it is a condom to be inserted on top of your penis. At the hospital (depending on the quality of care) there may be a choice of doctors or attendants (or if you complain loudly enough about one nurse, maybe they switch out another), at the whore house it is the choice of which one will end up in the same bed with you - and the higher the quality of care, the higher the bill. At either place, credit cards are accepted for your convenience, and once the bill shows up in the mail, it is going to be an eye-opener.

Needless to say, the idea of being at the second place seemed a lot more appealing to me at the moment than the place I was heading to. But - we all got back in the car, and night 2 of the sterile emergency room awaited instead.

Love those hot mamas! 

I love the beach 

I love Nevada!! 

The scenic shores of Lake Tahoe 

Contemplating the next blog post 

Stray down to the water - deep sea of love

Beneath the sweet calm face of the sea
Swift undertow


Life may be sweeter for this, I don't know
See how it feels in the end
While Lady Lullaby sings plainly for you
Love still rings true




As the sun is slowly starting to descend in the desert, through the tall grass approaching is an oasis - a pool - or a deep sea of love, as mentioned in the beaautiful Haiku verses of the Robert Hunter lyrics. Once one slowly descends into this tranquil pool, all ailments are healed. Any pain or soreness from injuries, is left on the shore. Any emotional pain, anger, broken hearts, rejection, wounds - are cleansed and healed - there is only love here, nurturing love that some spend their entire lives searching for - everything can be found in this pool. It is going where the water tastes like wine but no intoxication of any kind is required - the mind is completely clear of any chemicals or toxins so that the full effects of the love can be tasted, drunk, swallowed, and bathed in - this clear blue water is the antidote for all ails of the soul. Although it appears to be somewhat small, the supply is endless - even the thirtiest can drink from it endlessly and it will be replenished, and all who seek it are welcome to drink from it and reach out your hand if your cup be empty, if your cup is full may it be again. There is more than enough for everyone if you can just believe it if you need it, if you don't just pass it on. And if you go there, and after you do, all of these dreams will be yours to pursue. If a long lost love, or family member, or animal you once knew has left you or passed on, you will find this person or entity there, waiting for a re-union embrace. Any love that has been missing in your life will be found there. Wade in the water and all that is lost shall be found, all that is lacking will be there, all that is missing will be complete, all that is broken will become whole - love is the answer and you know that for sure and with love anything and everything is possible.

It is safe to be who you are here - if you want to laugh - laugh loud. If you need to cry, the tears will blend in perfectly with the water. There is no need to scream or be angry as those emotions have been left at the shore. The more immediate reaction to those emotions - through tears reacting to hurt, betrayal, and injury are cleansed with beautiful angelic hands of the spirit, Goddess, loving white force that transcends all base feelings. If you want to embrace the love and smile, smile deeply and brightly without shame or self-awareness.

This world is never far away and always accessible, but for some it has to be summoned. A musical instrument helps, one's favorite music through a scenic drive in the country is a nice avenue, maybe just lying down before sleeping and/or meditating can bring you to this pool, where all is forgiven, all divisiveness ends, all living beings are one, no longer separated. Drink from it until no more is necessary, let is soak your skin until it is full, and then when you are ready to go back to the real world again, be sure to pass it along, unconditionally, to family, friends, neighbors, strangers, animals, trees - any living being that may come across your path.


This world is not our home
We are only passing through
Our trail is all made up
Way beyond the blue
Let us do the very best that we can
While we're travelin' through this land
We can all be together
Shaking a hand
When we make it to the promised land

And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me

speaking words of wisdom, let it be

Speaking of my own present state of mind now, life seems to alter between extreme moments of inspiration and spirit, and then alternating despair. Driving through the Sierras yesterday was particularly inspiring, but coming back tired and hearing of all the troubles on the home front was particularly sad too. I wish my wife were happier, had more emotional support, had more inspiration in her life, but it just is what it is. I can only do so much - and then I can't do anything else. I belong here - I am certain of that - she feels that somewhere else is the answer - and whether or not that is the case, I certainly can't make that become true unless we live in two different locations - and I am open to that if that will make her happy. All I want is for her to be happy, but that seems like a monumental task. These days, when I am out driving or playing guitar, I find the inspiration I need to get through - it is my religion so to speak, but I have to dig deep to find what I can to get me through the rest of my life, which I find pulling me down from all directions. With that in mind, time to go outside and sing the above Beatles classic.

A side note - I posted this comment on my buddy's My Space in response to his Moods and Meditations CD:

I listened to Moods and Meditations in the car and there are kind of invisible lyrics that go with the melodies - something to the effect that God will come down from the sky and make cosmic love to the Goddess of the earth, that love, beauty, and magic are all around us constanlty if we can just try to grasp their presence, that life is worth living, that heaven awaits us here on earth within our mortal lifetimes - very poetic messges - thanks.

"Don't take much to get me on the ground" 

Two moths having ferocious sex on the back of my fence (each one is the size of my hand) 

Come round the bend, you know it's the end

The fireman screams
And the engine just gleams

I believe everything happens for a reason - whether you want to call that primitive thinking or superstition. I was riding my bicycle after posting my last blog post (I added in the bike accident part later) and feeling pretty good - the sky was blue, I was feeling connected spiritually, happy to be alive, etc. Unfortunately my dog had been overnight at the vet for foxtails lodged in his tonsils, so I normally would have been walking him - one more event adding to the recent financial assault which also appears to be happening for a reason as well, as the three events have happened just about altogether. I was biking along, at moderate pace, but on a flat road, so not going super fast - and then for some reason - I lost my sense of balance. I don't know if the front wheel got loose - it did pop off later, but I came down on it - but it might have been one of those things where one is all of a sudden aware of something - like trying to remember how to breathe after doing it unconsciously - but whatever it was, I overcorrected and then next thing I know in a state of great surprise and mild shock I was going over my handlebars. I must have put my hands out because my right hand is scraped, and I got one hell of a nasty black and blue bruise on my leg, but mainly it sprained my right arm when I jammed it. The first thought I had when flying over was that I was going to break something, but fortunately it seemed to be more of a nasty sprain. I walked back after putting the front wheel back on the best I could without any tools with me, with the brake locking it in every once in a while, and I noticed I could not move my right arm a lot without it hurting.

Two years ago I got into bike riding again (had biked all over San Diego one summer going up to 50 miles a trip during my college years) and my knees started to really ache - possibly the combination of going too long on the stepper at the gym for days on end and maybe the seat not adjusted right. Now this happens - and I think riding a bike is just not worth the risk for me. If I had broken my arm, I probably would not be writing this now and a lot of my job involves typing and as the only one working, being out for any reason would be a pretty great setback. So one message to me is that something may be warning me not to ride a bike. I actually said a little thank you to my version of God after the fall - as painful as it was - that it was not worse - thanks for warning me, but not really messing me up. Maybe a little demon in my head was encouraging me to sink back into self-destructive behavior or falling back into an addictive pattern, and the crash was in response to that as well. Whatever it was, my interpretation was that it was a warning - a somewhat painful, but gentle warning - and a warning I have to listen to. My bicycle riding days are probably over with - I just hear about too many bad things happening with falls and injuries and it is not worth the risk.

Also, maybe I was feeling it just a little too much when I wrote the post on Saturday. My experience with spiritual energy is it has to be channeled as evenly as possible. When it is too strong, and the high is too great, the bipolar extreme seems to always be set up, so that the fall - literally in this case - is always a threat. One of my favorite books, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying - basically a beginner's Buddhist book designed for us western folk, describes certain meditational states or highs where one is warned not to get too excited about the highs, or too distraught about the lows - to learn that they are both fleeting and just let them pass without getting too caught up or attached in either one. It is extremely difficult to do, but there is something to it. When I start feeling very down - as was the case even yesterday, I sometimes find it coincides with being tired - and I find if I just lie down for a bit, I come to and it does not seem as bad. I know fighting it will not work, so I just let it pass. I am a diagnosed bipolar who has not had an extreme case of either extreme for 20 years now, and I think life practice can work. I also know that at some point in my life, I will probably get to a state when I need medication, and when that happens, I am pretty sure I will know it.

I am still working on the home relationship here now. There is a lot that works against us, but we are still here just about 10 years later. Some times I roll with the perceived (not literal) punches better than others, and other times I just take it too personally and get depressed about it. But I do think the counseling is going to help and hopefully go back in together - the two of us - today, although the way my wife is feeling, it may just be me. Sara starts her camp program, and also has been taking piano lessons. We may be seeing my parents in Mammoth next month, but it is not set in stone either. If it becomes too much of an effort and too much of a distraction here, to be blunt - it just won't happen. I spoke to my Dad yesterday - somewhat briefly. I know it is just his philosophy that time heals everything, and just let it be and it will go away, but the reality is some pretty cruel comments have been made by my parents - particularly one of them - not just to her but almost every in law or significant other in our family, and other than one of them who has become a spiritual master in handling it, it just does not make it easy for us - and there is enough hardship in my life already to begin with before that is added in. These things just don't go away - and my true belief on a karma level is that for whatever apparent reason or justification you may think you have for doing it, if you treat people badly, bad things happen as a result - and unless there is an attempt to own it or change it, they will continue to happen. Bad karma in short.

Well - I will know when the time comes whether the trip will happen or not. Right now my main priority is just to hold us all together, because times seem to be pretty tough for us on a lot of different levels here. My older brother also is going through very hard times, so it is not just me - and it may be even worse for him. I can't do much about it, but I really hope he can come out of it. Like most of the offspring of my family I was born into, we are good people who have had a lot of bad things happen to us and we are spending our entire lives trying to heal the damage that was done to us - and it is not an easy task. I am fortunate enough to believe that I have the tools to work through it, but a few simple twists of fate and I can very easily be where he is right now - and it is very sad to think of what he is going through now. But for now - as hard as it is - I have to count my blessings - that my family is here, that my health is pretty much here, that I did not turn into a cripple after my fall, that I have all my limbs and senses in tact, that life has challenged me and at times it seemed it would break me altogether, but that something has held me together. So I close by one again - saying thank you to the forces that be that have allowed that to happen.

This was my runner up for the title of this thread:

When heroes go down
Man or woman revealed
You cant expect any kind of mercy
On the battlefield

Coudn't help throw this one in 

Smile 

Million dollar smile 

Awkward instance... 

Sitting in a tree 

Like I told ya, what I said..

steal yo' face right off yo' head

I have officially gone cheese now and have my very own MY SPACE - check out the link to one of my best friends Rich Cohen - he is an amazing musician!

In the secret space of dreams

In the secret space of dreams
Where I dreaming lay amazed
When the secrets all are told
And the petals all unfold
When there was no dream of mine
You dreamed of me

It is time for me to start getting a little bit "out there". I have been holding back all of this time but why hold back? I am who I am and this is me. I can try to be what I think someone else out there thinks I should be, repress and say what I feel like saying in a socially acceptable framework, but as far as that goes - it makes for somewhat boring reading, and most of you think I am crazy anyways. As far as I am concerned, even if I am out of my mind, if I can be crazy in a manner where I can still support my family, and bring positive and not negative energy along... (I brought plenty of that along for those fortunate enough to know me back in 1985 - remember Chula Vista anyone?) But I think that to a certain degree you have to be "crazy" to really feel any type of spiritual connection. Isn't believing in something as irrational as God kind of defying the parameters of logic anyways?

But this isn't about God - because to tell you the truth - I don't really know what God is. I have never met God and how can you explain something you have never directly come across. Since I don't believe the Bible - a very nicely written piece of myth and literature for the record - is the direct word of God, than what do I really have to go on anyways? Well - all I know is what is in my head. I still have absolutely no proof that everything I am seeing and living is not just a dream in my head. How do I really know that you are there, and I am not just dreaming you are there? Well - really I don't and if you really are there, I guess you could say the same thing about me.

But - I have come to believe there is something in my heart, and "something in the woods" as Terrance McKenna has talked about. We only use a small fraction of our brains, so they say. What if the larger untouchable portion of the brain is in fact the realm of faith and the spirit, so to speak? I just happen to believe that may be the case. All I know is that based on the past events of my life, I really shouldn't be here at all. There was enough negative energy in my past to literally do me in, and so many seeds of doubt, self-hatred, and demonic energy - which naturally all still thrive in me. Yet somehow something else has found a home in me, something that maybe has been waiting to be born - and it is what I can think of as the positive spirit within me, as I really cannot think of any other name for it. From an atheistic/scientific point of view, if they are right and there really is no spirit and we are all just chemicals who fall to the ground and die - and that is it - if that is the case, and clearly I can't rule it out - than maybe this entity is just an access to my deeper unconsciousness. Could be. Ultimately who gives a fuck anyways. Really - I am not here to argue something I can't prove one way or the other.

From my experience I am going to have to lean with the spirit side, even if that is just creative delusional thinking - because it seems to get me by, this opiate of the masses. But getting back to my good friend Don Ruiz again - it is all about love - even if I sound like a stoned Deadhead hippie coming off a 7 day acid trip bender after spending the week seeing "shayows" at the Berkeley Greek Theater. That is it - that simple. Like he says, live your life in love or fear. In my case, fear still has a pretty strong grip on me - but hey - that is the way it is. But I am working on the love too - and if you can love yourself, you can get by just about anything. But once you set out to love yourself - a lot of resistance, at least in my case, can be found. People around you may say otherwise. Now that my wife is becoming good friends with my ex-girlfriend, I imagine there is enough shit being said about me to clog up the biggest toilet in the world. And am I really this great big ass-hole they paint me out to be? Well - I guess I am - at least in their eyes anyways. And is it based on real life events that have brought them to this conclusion? Most likely. Anyone who has lived with me knows that I am an enormous pain in the ass - and I would not recommend if for anyone if you don't have just a little masochism inside. Sometimes I don't even like living with myself.

And yet - even if I am all those horrible things - I have this beautiful spiritual entity that I can summon - I once called her Sondra for a lack of a better name, who tells me I am wonderful. Maybe she may have existed in real life females in my life, but ultimately - she was there inside me before she was ever projected outward onto a real life person - maybe a person I had an immense crush on - going back to Cathy from eighth grade, my first crush - all the way to the recent crushes I have had in the present (won't name any names here to protect the innocent and the guilty). She started here in me, and now it is my task, as I have written in a song posted here last September - to bring her back home to me. Now she doesn't really exist in that nobody can see her, and I don't even claim that she is one of those imaginary voices like in the movie Dark Water where the little girl hears the voice of a ghost entity. Even if I may be a diagnosed bipolar, as far as I know I am not schizophrenic. She is just in a sense a meditational entity, a direct way of reaching the anima, or female force within. A lot of people get married, and then realize that their marriage cannot provide them with this force - as I believe - it can only come from within. There may be great sex, love and passion at the beginning, but that always dies down and then what? Well of course - if you don't have the insight to look for her from within, you go out and have an affair - find that special flame who makes you feel alive again, and then when your wife tires of your endless affairs and decides to divorce you - what is the answer to that? Well - one of our local residents had a somewhat bloody approach - Mr. Mack - who decided to leave his wife in a pool of blood, and then play sniper with his divorce judge. I don't know - maybe it is just me - but isn't there a more practical way of dealing with this? Even if it is a somewhat crazy approach of trying to access the female spirit within, instead of going on a bloody rampage, blaming your wife for everything lacking in your life, and then having a nationwide manhunt on your ass? Maybe my approach is a lesser of evils.

All I know is this - my marriage is a blessed event in my life - I love Victoria, but if I am looking for this force to come from her, it just isn't going to happen. But lately in feeling like I am in touch with it, I have been able to be there more for her. Faith and belief is contagious, once I have it, others around me can possibly catch it too. For me it is an exercise of constant meditational practice. Now sometimes the sky is burning blue, I have the right music in the car, or in the backyard I have tuned into the right song to play, and I feel it just bursting out everywhere - life is beautiful and magical, I am lucky to be here - I feel like all is well and what it is supposed to be. Other times, I am in the grips of the negative perceived feelings of self-rejection and it takes a real effort to summon those positive spiritual vibes back into being. A strong depressive mood or anxiety attack does not make it easy either - but like Thich Nhat Hanh says, even when the darks clouds surround, the sun is above - and that is the time to search for whatever it takes for us to believe in ourselves all over again. For me, saying I love myself feels a little awkward, but believing in the anima force within - and interacting on an "active imagination" Jungian approach - really can work. Love as a mantra works well too, breathe in say love, breathe out say love. (I know what you are thinking I may be doing here Bloted during this practice - and you are probably right).

So anyways - I have only briefly touched on it, and I can't even really explain it - but it seems to be working for me at the moment. No affairs needed, no bloody OJ or Darren Mack style violence is needed, the path of love makes a lot more sense than the path of anger and violence - it feels a lot better, and is a lot healthier for the world. So everyone get out your Don Ruiz, Jung and buddhist books if you want to give it a try. If not - feel free to keep on doing what you're doing. I can't control what you are doing anyways. But with a little faith, practice, and a lot of hard work - I believe I can have a little control over the dark forces in my life.

(Promptly after writing this and enjoying the morning hour, I went flying over the handrails of my bicylce - ouch. I don't think anything is broken, but my right arm is hurting like a mother and is pretty stiff.)

It could happen to you - just like it happened to me
There's simply no immunity - there's no guarantee
I say love's such a force - if you find yourself in it
And sometimes no reflection is there

Baby wait a minute, wait a minute
Wait a minute, wait a minute
Wait a minute, wait a minute

Turn the clock to zero, honey
I'll sell the stock, we'll spend all the money
We're starting up a brand new day

Dark star crashes

Dark star crashes
pouring its light
into ashes

Reason tatters
the forces tear loose
from the axis


Searchlight casting
for faults in the
clouds of delusion


shall we go,
you and I
While we can?
Through
the transitive nightfall
of diamonds


Mirror shatters
in formless reflections
of matter


Glass hand dissolving
to ice petal flowers
revolving


Lady in velvet
recedes
in the nights of goodbye


Shall we go,
you and I
While we can?
Through
the transitive nightfall
of diamonds

This song for those non-Dead Heads out there is the ultimate Grateful Dead anthem - more for the instrumental patterns between the lyrics than the lyrics themselves, but still the lyrics paint a pretty good background for the notes that fell between these lines, ultimately a different musical experience with every performance. I got to experience it live a total of 3 times, and I am sure Mr. Bloated will never forget the very first time within the confines of the Oakland Coliseum (which I nicknamed House of Worship as these shows were religious experiences for me) back on the eve of the descent into the 1990's. Maybe if I have some time later I will interpret the words.

Gotta make it somehow

on the dreams you still believe

Let's take inventory - in about one week we were hit with 1500 in unexpected repair bills for the Subaru and air conditioner, along with all of the piano lessons, summer program costs, and gym lessons for the kid - I am expecting to be doing some more creative financing by year's end when the savings is due to be gone. On top of that, my wife is depressed, going on medication, and last night appeared to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown when my screaming daughter threw up a couple times, once all over the hallway after she had just been requested to let it out in the bathroom sink, a more appropriate place. I am going on about 3 hours of sleep now after the night's festivities. Yet in despite all of this doom and gloom - I remain opitimistic - somohow it is going to get better (can't get worse can it) and I will see this through. On a positive note, I think our current marriage counselor is going to work for us - felt a click last time I was there that seemed to suggest she is on our spiritual plane of existence, especilly as she is a fellow declared Thich Nhah Hanh fan. Like I told you, what I said, I know that my faith will lead me on.

Drivin' that train.... 

Snow cone heaven 

With a long lost relative 

Dumb all over, a little ugly on the side

Hey, We can't really be dumb
If we're just following God's orders
Hey, let's get serious...
God knows what he's doing
He wrote this book here
And the book says:
He made us all to be just like him,
So...
If we're dumb...
Then God is dumb...
(an maybe even a little ugly on the side)

Above quote from the late and great Frank Zappa

My marriage is in trouble. It's not the fact that we have both gotten older and put on weight, and are starting to lose interest in each other. It is not that some times we think we would be better off somewhere else, and are just here for the sake of the child. It is not our potential tendencies toward rage, and both verbal and emotional violence, due to our troubled upbringings. It is not that we come from different cultures, and often have a clash in values, that range from how and when to spend money, to whether or not we should live in a rural or urban area, with both of us wanting something different. It is not the fact that certain habits of the other continue to irritate and annoy the other and the annoyance never quite goes away.

No - I will tell you the real threat to my marriage - and ironically enough, it does not even lie within my home. It is an invisible threat - that may be who knows - 5 or 10 miles from my home. But within that radius, the following scenario is about take place - two men of the same sex (going biblical here) let's call them Adam and STeve - they are getting ready to engage in graphic homosexual sex. Adam has his stiff rigid member and is getting ready to penetrate the willing anus of his homosexual lover. Somewhere down the road, two women of the same sex are ready to please each other in an oral manner. And the real threat here is that these two couples - not only want to do these horrible and offensive acts in the privacy of their own homes, but they want to do it under the shield of a marriage license. That's right - they want to get married. They want to be entitled to the same benefits and recognition that we as a heterosexual couple have here in this house. They want assistance with health care, tax breaks, respect.

You may ask - why is this a threat to me? Well - to be honest - I have asked that same question many times - and the answer is not too clear, but let's speculate for a moment. Maybe it is a threat to my rigid Christian morals, that dictate how a couple is suppose to behave sexually. Maybe I am afraid of my own potential homosexual side, and I deal with it with homophobic rage, discrimination, and cruelty to homosexuals - so that I don't have to face my own inner homosexuality. Maybe - ultimately it is none of my God damn business how other people live their lives. Maybe a lot of same sex couples can do a better job of raising their kids then a lot of the half assed jobs that heterosexual couples are doing, and that in itself is a threat.

But in any case - I am being assisted here - help is on the way. The President of the United States has my back. He is working hard under my tax dollars to establish a constitutional amendment to protect marriage, and establish that it is between a man and woman only - not between a man and a man, woman and woman, a man and a sheep, man and dog - no - man and woman only. Even though it was a tough break and congress did not approve of it - the President of the United States has my best interests in mind. Just knowing that he is doing this for me makes me feel protected, and I believe it will be a great benefit to my marriage. It may even save it. And gosh - do I appreciate that!

I know - just blame Bush and the Republicans, right? Not that simple. There is a bumper sticker on my street that says "I love my country, it is the government I am afraid of"... and I would add in one more line at the end - "the people who elected them scare me even more!". All Bush is doing is looking very carefully at the polls - this is what we want - we have spoken - homophobics all over the place in the name of Jesus Christ have declared that all homos are evil people who are going to hell, and Bush is relying on these voters to prop up his ratings. In other words, if there was not an audience for it, he would not be saying it. I would like to think, if we ever become evolved on any level, that some day we will look back at this extremely primitive way of thinking in horror, the way some of us look back at the primitive thinking behind the witch hunts of a few hundred years back. Our country lives in fear and prejudice of anything that is not main stream, whether it is a gay couple, or the dark skin of a race. Us Jews still get a bad rap as well. If it is not part of the norm, than it must be bad, right?

So - how does this tie in with my local friend's request to explain why I am not gung ho with all of the flag waving that goes on during July 4th? Well - God knows there are enough political postings on the net to sink a ship and I am not here to blast any particular political party, more a very generalized assessment of my impression of American values, or lack of values ultimately. First of all, make no mistake about it - this is a Christian country. "Moral values" are what won the last election. I have no problem with Christianity - it has some beautiful aspects to it - I like the idea of loving our fellow human being which, being no biblical student myself, I understand was one of Christ's teachings. So - it is not Christianity in itself that I object to, but more the notion I seem to encounter from more than a few of them, that if you don't buy in, you are going to hell and that there is no point in having anything to do with you if you are not one of us. Why is that a local soldier who died in Afghanistan, Patrick Stewart, can't even get a placcard on his grave for his Wiccan religion? Because the government does not recognize it - why? The troublesome aspects of the Christian religion are those that either ignore or excommunicate those who do not believe, or take it upon themselves to conquer other nations and/or peoples in an effort to impose their beliefs as the right way for everyone, and not just themselves . That to me is a big problem. That kind of arrogant - our way is the right way and your way is the wrong way, is what I see as one of the fundamental aspects of American personality that I don't like, and probably why we aren't winning a popularity contest worldwide either.

Even Manifest Destiny, which according to this site, was endorsed by some atheists - but ultimately from my view - was the notion that God gave us the right to stretch from one ocean's border to the other, all the while injuring, destroying, and killing any of the perceived inferior peoples along the way, seems to be the very embodiment of American thinking. WE are entitled to it, you are not. And from the way I understand it, the Native Americans who were here first were shafted every step of the way, and now have a high rate of alcoholism and suicide among the cesspool "reservations" we have entitled to them. At the local Earth Day here, one of the performing artists made the comment that as far as he was concerned, the pilgrims were the true illegal alien. We took the land, drove the Mexicans and Native Americans out, and now that several hispanic people I know of directly are slaving away, working 14 hours a day, 7 days a week to put food on our table and make our lawns look nice, all we can do is persecute them, humiliate them, drive them away, and then pass laws to make their already difficult lives even more difficult.

I am not going to sit here and bad mouth everything American, because I could spend all day doing that and others have done it before me, with more facts and knowledge I could ever have access to. And just because I criticize trends and tendencies, does not make me a terrorist, communist, or even a person who "hates America". The founding fathers of our country, who rose up against a tyrannical Great Britain - had many great ideas when writing the Constitution and Bill of Rights to try as hard as they could to prevent that tyranny from happening again here. It was their commitment to fight for their beliefs that led them to rise up against the oppressors. The problem is, now we have become these oppressors. Separation of church and state - what a concept - one that unfortunately, the government has worked very hard to slowly erode. Since we are a "free" country, don't I have the freedom - as an American Citizen - to voice my concerns? To quote a Clash song - You have the right to free speech, as long as you are not dumb enough to actually try it. Just look what happened to the Dixie Chicks who had the audacity for bashing the president for starting a war, that now years later, everyone knows has been a complete waste of lives and economic resources - they were crucified. I don't know their music, but my respect for them went up after reading that. Do we really want free speech, or are we all supposed to be mindless, brain-dead TV addicted lemmings who go along with the program?

And speaking of TV - that is a big part of our cultural void - this pool of SLIME so aptly described by Mr. Zappa in the link to the left - rules our lives - and most of it is 100% pure shit - but now we have far more than just 13 channels of shit on the TV to choose from, we have hundred of channels of shit! No offense to one of my friends, but I was hearing on the radio the TV show American Idol (I have never actually watched it) described as a high school talent karaoke show - and Americans sit there glued to it in record numbers! Apparently a guy beat up his Mom over an argument about who would win, and this guy (Andrew Ceciliano was the substitute radio show host) said that is why people around the world are laughing at us! We not only watch this crap, but we take it seriously, it rules our lives, tells us what to do, what to buy, what to think - it gives us no mind of our own! Victoria is reading a book called the Plug In Drug which chronicles that. And when the kids act up - hey - throw them in front of a TV, a portable DVD player for the road - get them started on the brain washing early. Who cares if they will be a vegetable by the time they are 20, at least they will be well behaved! TV is also used as an Orwellian tool to talk about such contradictory notions as "freedom" (right out of "1984") and "democracy" (which is merely symbolic in best in actuality). It is used as a tool to rally against the "enemy" - whoever that is - an enemy that distracts those from buying in from looking at the flaws of those in power. It is used as a way to generate patriotism and flag waving, the same tools that were employed by Nazi Germany for their cause. And a lot of people buy in blindly and faithfully as they are supposed to.

I already touched on consumption on one of my posts "Waste Not Want Not" a few back. To put it bluntly, we are a bunch of pigs. Hey - if you want to stuff your face with McDonalds and In and Out Burgers, give yourself high blood pressure, cholesterol, and a big fat gut to go with it - that would be one thing if that was just your problem. But the problem is - all of these behaviours - as a country nationwide - have dramatic effects on the earth. To accommodate for these cows, more countries will burn their forests and cut down trees. I saw in a book that if we could even reduce our consumption of meat a little (I am no vegetarian) that it would enable a lot of starving people to have access to food as a consequence - in that all of the wasted resources could be freed to go elsewhere. To accommodate our appetites, we support oppressive regimes like Saudi Arabia, where an unfaithful woman can be stoned to death for adultery, where apparently, they stick a sword up your ass before they behead you to get a better shot at the neck, according to a guy at my gym. But all we hear everywhere - from the government, news, TV - is consume, consume - it is great for the economy. Wall Street gets a hard on, but the world suffers environmental catastrophes, and nobody seems to talk about it - and when a few of them do, nobody listens. As Al Gore recently commented on Fresh Air, the oil companies start a campaign of disinformation about global warming and pollution, we all buy in, and the damage we are doing to our planet is getting close to irreversible. Maybe the religious fanatics in charge of our country just think that God will step in and save us, but if I am jumping over a cliff, I, as a man of faith, will not count on God coming to step forward and stop the fall. If we are digging our own graves, as we appear to be doing, I am not sure if even "God" can help us.

We are not a democracy. A few very wealthy people control our country. We are really an aristocracy disguised as a democracy. Where there is money around to brainwash the voters, that money will influence an election. Kerry - who I voted for, did not have a chance against the money chest carried by Bush. Money talks, bullshit walks - and both parties are owned by the wealthy. So - if the aristocrats who ran our country - actually cared about our future, the resources of the planet, and not just reaching record numbers on Wall Street - we would be okay. But as long as the ends justify the meanings, and raping the earth of its resources and polluting the skies like there is no tomorrow, with our government that is supposed to regulate this carefully in the hands of those who would rather pollute - than pollution will reign. Don't these people in charge have grand kids? Don't they care about their future? Do they just think God will take care of it? Maybe so.

We are also a country where if you are of lower class, forget it - nobody cares about you. Scrooge once said that there would be poor houses and orphanages to take care of the poor, here we just build prisons like there is no tomorrow. A lot of prisoners are drug addicts. Wouldn't it make sense to treat them as sick people, and not criminals - to have government funding for addiction programs - instead of prisons? Those programs being cut this day to account for the massive debt for a ridiculous war in Iraq - along with after school programs to keep kids out of gangs - hey why bother - just thrown them all in prison and throw away the key. It is documented that blacks and Mexicans dominate prison populations, and just like in the Bowling for Columbine movie, we see it and we believe it - they get higher sentences, more trips to the execution chamber - racism, prejudice, arrogant selfishness - all alive and well in the great US of A.

I know good things have happened here too - it is not all bad. There are progressive people trying to get this to change. The 60's was a great time period of enlightenment and rebellion against the establishment. Some of my favorite musicians are American - Bob Dylan, of course the Grateful Dead - great writers like Ginsberg, thinkers like Martin Luther King. I want to be optimistic - I want to think we can break out of our prejudiced, brainwashed orgy of destructive consumption and become a country that cares about the world and people around us, a country that can eliminate third world conditions within and without its boundaries - I think there is potential here. As it is now though, it just is not happening.

So on July 4th - if waving the flag and drinking beer is your thing - go for it, and have a great party. (I wrote a song about possible flag pole suggestions, but won't go there now). Just like on Valentine's Day we are supposed to be loving, on Christmas we are supposed to be generous - follow the trend, do what you are told, and have a great time. Just don't mind me if I stay home and put my ear plugs on, and wait for July 5th to mercifully arrive.

We're all confused
But what's to lose
You can call this song
The United States Blues

You can't see this in Southern California 

Still drying 

Drying up after a swim 

Sand Harbor at Lake Tahoe 

Steal your face right of your head 

You know I hate to hurt you, I hate to see your pain...

but I don't know how to stop! Chilling words from No Self Control by Peter Gabriel – there is implied violence here, but it is not necessarily violence either – but whatever form of hurt is going on – the assailant seems to feel guilty about his inability to keep his apparent loved one from the pain of the assailant’s actions. This post is about anger. It is in part inspired by the previously mentioned book Anger – by Thich Nhat Hanh – which I am almost finished with. I have read a couple chapters to Victoria at night – and though I didn’t realize it when I picked it out from the library, it is a great marriage counseling device. Although I would implore you, beg you – to read this beautifully written book, chances are – you won’t. And that is fine. So here I am – Reader’s Digest version here – my chance to not only explain the book but my relationship with this very powerful force in my life.

In recalling my past, I am not presently expressing anger at those that displayed anger in my household. It is a sickness, disease, self-destroying addiction, and those that expressed it in my household inherited it in one form or another from their own past characters, situations, and circumstances. You can’t blame a person with cancer for being sick, and the same applies to those infested with anger. However, unlike some medical illnesses, there is something you can do to break free of this sickness. All the same – anger was expressed constantly where I grew up – in a frightening way for a young child. Because when you are a young child – and anger is displayed – you inevitably are terrified. It was true of me as a child, and unfortunately I have witnessed my own child react the same way when anger has gotten the best of me and I have either yelled, slammed a door, or done something destructive. When I was growing up, it was not in the form of physical violence (for the most part) but words at ear piercing volumes can be swords of destruction in themselves. Because make no mistake about it – if you are aiming for your own child to have confidence of any degree, you will do everything in your power to minimize your own displays around your child – do whatever it takes to stop this poisonous emotion from being transferred from one to another. Whether it was directed at me and I was in the line of fire, or I saw it directed at another – it did frighten me, give me bad dreams, erode my own confidence, and inevitably force my own emotions underground as I did not feel safe, comfortable enough to express them in my household.

These emotions stayed underground for the formative years in my life, and then as I approached the end of my teens – something happened – they started leaking out. Psychiatrists who see this purely as a chemical imbalance are not seeing the whole picture. Yes – when one reaches an emotional extreme, chemical imbalances do take place – the mind, spirit, and body are closely linked. But the way I see it – just like in physics, energy has to go somewhere and you can only keep it down for so long before it comes up – sometimes in a violent fashion like a volcano. When I went through my manic depressive extremes, my anger became so strong that people in my household were convinced that I was a threat to them and actually changed the locks to the doors in the house. True enough – I was enraged, and it was out of control – even if it was liberating. I don’t believe I was a physical threat to anyone, but I am sure I was threatening enough nevertheless. One of my first shrinks, a little Napoleon named Dr. Shmuckler – who said a lot of pretty ridiculous things to me in the course of my counseling, did observe that I was very angry – and that my depression was an expression of that. I was so out of touch with my own feelings, that I found that hard to comprehend – but years later, I see it as one of the few things he told me that I agree with. (His suggestion of looking for a job with a smile on my face when I was so depressed I could barely get out of bed – was still something I find absurd over 20 years later to this day). My overall summation is this – I was so overwhelmed, intimidated, frightened by the anger that was expressed around me – that I suppressed my own emotions, tried to get by without getting attention – live in a closet so to speak – and that was my childhood – working hard, getting good grades, trying not to get any attention, and believing I was not entitled to or worthy of any type of love either inside or outside of my home. I lived like a robot, knowing there was a void in my life, but not knowing how to break out of it. I was going to try not to rock the boat, follow in Dad’s footsteps, be a computer programmer, try not to draw attention. Never mind if I liked what I did or had any talent for it, it would just take care of itself. If I was a robot, maybe it would have worked. But like any machine – I could not function in this state, and eventually I broke down and fell into the hell of depression and mania. And in my mind, it was directly linked to my own reaction with this demonic force.

Even when I settled down somewhat, and came back to school and the work world, among the living – I was consumed, obsessed, possessed by my anger. The thing about it is – even though it can consume you, keep you up late at night, to a certain degree – when you feel powerless, helpless, out of control and at the mercy of your surroundings – ANGER CAN FEEL EMPOWERING. That is why it is addictive, but also deadly at the same time. Why are so many people dead, behind bars, have ruined lives – all because their anger got the better of them and in a moment of possessed passion they did something to hurt themselves or another and change a life forever. At the same time, no physical pain need be inflicted for this force to have its harmful effects. Anger is the ultimate self-destruction – according to the book, it can lead to disease and even death when one cannot come to grips with it “you keep carrying all that anger it will eat you up inside”. But – it was time for me to start living out my rage – toward my parents, toward the world, to everything I blamed for keeping me in the state of misery I was in. If someone did something I thought was wrong, they would experience my wrath. Mr. Liver really worked me up when he had the nerve, the gall, the unmitigated cockiness to ask me to drive to another airport to pick him up for a concert. I was enraged, furious at him for months. Now what might have been a better approach in hindsight – telling him – sorry – no thanks, sorry I can’t accommodate you – or talking it over. I know – classic passive aggressive behavior – and then he topped it off by getting my ass up at 6 in the morning after a concert in Sacramento to take him to the airport. Geez Mr. Liver – what kind of asshole are you anyways? Again – I didn’t have to play along with it – I chose to – and it was a perfect set up. Finally when I learned my lesson, I realized I just didn’t have to play the game and when he asked me to go out of the way to get him for another one, I just said no. That only took me 10 years to figure out. And never mind how much I was enraged with Joe for not going along with it when I wanted him to fly up with me to see shows in Oakland – I was in a demonic state for months. But looking back to all of these situations, I played as much of a part as the other person – if not more. I thought the other one was the bad guy, but overall – I was setting it up to feed my anger addiction. And it was all completely wasted energy. I can see it now, but I couldn’t see it then. Like the Dan Millman book where the guy at work bitches about having peanut butter sandwiches every day at lunch, and then when asked who made his lunch, he said he had done it. We make are own damn sandwiches! But we always want to blame someone else for own misery. If there is any lesson to be learned from anger, it is that when we take account for our lives, there is no one to blame at all – not even ourselves.

Some times it would work to my advantage – it got me out of a horrific relationship. But again – if I had asserted myself from the beginning of that one, I would have never been in that situation to begin with – that one was on me as well.

The problem enters when others live in your household. Then your hell becomes their hell when you get angry. When you yell at them, use the “f” word in a hostile way, scream when you don’t get your way, throw things – you are not only creating an atmosphere of destruction for yourself, but for your loved ones as well. If you have a child, you are planting the seeds of anger, self hatred, and poison in them, instead of the seeds that you want to be planting – the seeds of love. When I had my first relationship – first serious one – I was out of control. I would throw things, slam doors, scream, carry on, - and have fits of rage when it was heading south out of my control. I felt like it was giving me space, but again – it was a horrible state to be in. If a loved one of yours is out of control, you may think that letting it pass is the best way to deal with it – but all you are really doing is enabling the destruction. Sure – it passes – but like an earthquake it leaves a permanent scar behind it. And when I had a meltdown here, after we had a dispute about rocks that I had hauled from another yard into my truck, a dispute which put me in a tantrum, caused me to break my wall after I slammed the door – my wife did the right thing – she told me I needed to get help, or she could not stay with me. So I did it – and I went into anger management counseling. I have improved. My anger has dissipated. I am lying if I would say it is gone altogether, but I have made a conscious effort to be better – and I may fall down at times, but I think I have made some peace now. I don’t want my child to be afraid of me, I don’t want her to fall into the same trap of anger that I did. I know – some damage has already been done, and I can’t change the past, but I can work toward the future. When the guy I work with tries to pull me in, I realize what is happening – and I just don’t react the way I once did. I don’t get worked up – I just realize he is who he is, and his anger does not have to be mine. And when stuff comes up – as it inevitably does – it does not linger any more, it just passes like the wind and we move on. Maybe as one of my teachers in life, this has been my lesson to learn.

This is a very beautifully written book. The author talks about anger like a baby within, a baby that must be attended to, embraced, taken care of – in a healthy way – through positive affirmations, meditations, mindful walking and breathing. He encourages healthy communication between two people in a relationship – for one to express appreciation for the other, love, gratitude for the other and one’s self as well. It is never too late for a strained relationship to heal – whether it is a marriage, parent child relationship, or friendship. Dialogue is always better than no communication, and love is always better than hatred. When we are angry, we become ugly. Our faces look horrible – he encourages us to carry a mirror to remind us of that. It produces emotions that have horrible side effects. Nothing good comes from expressing anger – even scream therapy or hitting a pillow – for that is just practicing and rehearsing for another angry reaction. We are all one and we are all interconnected and the villain in our lives we express our anger towards is suffering – we are not the only one suffering. Through empathy we see our similarities, not our differences and realize the other person is not an evil one out to get us. Couples should write love letters to each other and heart sutras so that they never forget how much they really mean to each other or take the other one for granted. Where there is apparent darkness in our lives, there is always hope. On top of the dark clouds that form above us, there is always sunshine - even if we cannot see it when the clouds are there. We don’t have to become enraged every time someone cuts us off in traffic or does something we do not like. We don't have to punish another for our own perception, often faulty, that we have been wronged. All of the peoples, forces of the world can unite instead of bombing the crap out of each other. We are here to help each other and love each other, not to fight, scream, hit and kill others. I know it is progressive thinking – but if enough of us tune in, to the beautiful Buddha within us, maybe, just maybe – there can be peace here on earth and hope for us all.

I see my light come shining, from the west unto the east
Any day now
Any day now
I shall be released