Come round the bend, you know it's the end
The fireman screams
And the engine just gleams
I believe everything happens for a reason - whether you want to call that primitive thinking or superstition. I was riding my bicycle after posting my last blog post (I added in the bike accident part later) and feeling pretty good - the sky was blue, I was feeling connected spiritually, happy to be alive, etc. Unfortunately my dog had been overnight at the vet for foxtails lodged in his tonsils, so I normally would have been walking him - one more event adding to the recent financial assault which also appears to be happening for a reason as well, as the three events have happened just about altogether. I was biking along, at moderate pace, but on a flat road, so not going super fast - and then for some reason - I lost my sense of balance. I don't know if the front wheel got loose - it did pop off later, but I came down on it - but it might have been one of those things where one is all of a sudden aware of something - like trying to remember how to breathe after doing it unconsciously - but whatever it was, I overcorrected and then next thing I know in a state of great surprise and mild shock I was going over my handlebars. I must have put my hands out because my right hand is scraped, and I got one hell of a nasty black and blue bruise on my leg, but mainly it sprained my right arm when I jammed it. The first thought I had when flying over was that I was going to break something, but fortunately it seemed to be more of a nasty sprain. I walked back after putting the front wheel back on the best I could without any tools with me, with the brake locking it in every once in a while, and I noticed I could not move my right arm a lot without it hurting.
Two years ago I got into bike riding again (had biked all over San Diego one summer going up to 50 miles a trip during my college years) and my knees started to really ache - possibly the combination of going too long on the stepper at the gym for days on end and maybe the seat not adjusted right. Now this happens - and I think riding a bike is just not worth the risk for me. If I had broken my arm, I probably would not be writing this now and a lot of my job involves typing and as the only one working, being out for any reason would be a pretty great setback. So one message to me is that something may be warning me not to ride a bike. I actually said a little thank you to my version of God after the fall - as painful as it was - that it was not worse - thanks for warning me, but not really messing me up. Maybe a little demon in my head was encouraging me to sink back into self-destructive behavior or falling back into an addictive pattern, and the crash was in response to that as well. Whatever it was, my interpretation was that it was a warning - a somewhat painful, but gentle warning - and a warning I have to listen to. My bicycle riding days are probably over with - I just hear about too many bad things happening with falls and injuries and it is not worth the risk.
Also, maybe I was feeling it just a little too much when I wrote the post on Saturday. My experience with spiritual energy is it has to be channeled as evenly as possible. When it is too strong, and the high is too great, the bipolar extreme seems to always be set up, so that the fall - literally in this case - is always a threat. One of my favorite books, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying - basically a beginner's Buddhist book designed for us western folk, describes certain meditational states or highs where one is warned not to get too excited about the highs, or too distraught about the lows - to learn that they are both fleeting and just let them pass without getting too caught up or attached in either one. It is extremely difficult to do, but there is something to it. When I start feeling very down - as was the case even yesterday, I sometimes find it coincides with being tired - and I find if I just lie down for a bit, I come to and it does not seem as bad. I know fighting it will not work, so I just let it pass. I am a diagnosed bipolar who has not had an extreme case of either extreme for 20 years now, and I think life practice can work. I also know that at some point in my life, I will probably get to a state when I need medication, and when that happens, I am pretty sure I will know it.
I am still working on the home relationship here now. There is a lot that works against us, but we are still here just about 10 years later. Some times I roll with the perceived (not literal) punches better than others, and other times I just take it too personally and get depressed about it. But I do think the counseling is going to help and hopefully go back in together - the two of us - today, although the way my wife is feeling, it may just be me. Sara starts her camp program, and also has been taking piano lessons. We may be seeing my parents in Mammoth next month, but it is not set in stone either. If it becomes too much of an effort and too much of a distraction here, to be blunt - it just won't happen. I spoke to my Dad yesterday - somewhat briefly. I know it is just his philosophy that time heals everything, and just let it be and it will go away, but the reality is some pretty cruel comments have been made by my parents - particularly one of them - not just to her but almost every in law or significant other in our family, and other than one of them who has become a spiritual master in handling it, it just does not make it easy for us - and there is enough hardship in my life already to begin with before that is added in. These things just don't go away - and my true belief on a karma level is that for whatever apparent reason or justification you may think you have for doing it, if you treat people badly, bad things happen as a result - and unless there is an attempt to own it or change it, they will continue to happen. Bad karma in short.
Well - I will know when the time comes whether the trip will happen or not. Right now my main priority is just to hold us all together, because times seem to be pretty tough for us on a lot of different levels here. My older brother also is going through very hard times, so it is not just me - and it may be even worse for him. I can't do much about it, but I really hope he can come out of it. Like most of the offspring of my family I was born into, we are good people who have had a lot of bad things happen to us and we are spending our entire lives trying to heal the damage that was done to us - and it is not an easy task. I am fortunate enough to believe that I have the tools to work through it, but a few simple twists of fate and I can very easily be where he is right now - and it is very sad to think of what he is going through now. But for now - as hard as it is - I have to count my blessings - that my family is here, that my health is pretty much here, that I did not turn into a cripple after my fall, that I have all my limbs and senses in tact, that life has challenged me and at times it seemed it would break me altogether, but that something has held me together. So I close by one again - saying thank you to the forces that be that have allowed that to happen.
This was my runner up for the title of this thread:
When heroes go down
Man or woman revealed
You cant expect any kind of mercy
On the battlefield
And the engine just gleams
I believe everything happens for a reason - whether you want to call that primitive thinking or superstition. I was riding my bicycle after posting my last blog post (I added in the bike accident part later) and feeling pretty good - the sky was blue, I was feeling connected spiritually, happy to be alive, etc. Unfortunately my dog had been overnight at the vet for foxtails lodged in his tonsils, so I normally would have been walking him - one more event adding to the recent financial assault which also appears to be happening for a reason as well, as the three events have happened just about altogether. I was biking along, at moderate pace, but on a flat road, so not going super fast - and then for some reason - I lost my sense of balance. I don't know if the front wheel got loose - it did pop off later, but I came down on it - but it might have been one of those things where one is all of a sudden aware of something - like trying to remember how to breathe after doing it unconsciously - but whatever it was, I overcorrected and then next thing I know in a state of great surprise and mild shock I was going over my handlebars. I must have put my hands out because my right hand is scraped, and I got one hell of a nasty black and blue bruise on my leg, but mainly it sprained my right arm when I jammed it. The first thought I had when flying over was that I was going to break something, but fortunately it seemed to be more of a nasty sprain. I walked back after putting the front wheel back on the best I could without any tools with me, with the brake locking it in every once in a while, and I noticed I could not move my right arm a lot without it hurting.
Two years ago I got into bike riding again (had biked all over San Diego one summer going up to 50 miles a trip during my college years) and my knees started to really ache - possibly the combination of going too long on the stepper at the gym for days on end and maybe the seat not adjusted right. Now this happens - and I think riding a bike is just not worth the risk for me. If I had broken my arm, I probably would not be writing this now and a lot of my job involves typing and as the only one working, being out for any reason would be a pretty great setback. So one message to me is that something may be warning me not to ride a bike. I actually said a little thank you to my version of God after the fall - as painful as it was - that it was not worse - thanks for warning me, but not really messing me up. Maybe a little demon in my head was encouraging me to sink back into self-destructive behavior or falling back into an addictive pattern, and the crash was in response to that as well. Whatever it was, my interpretation was that it was a warning - a somewhat painful, but gentle warning - and a warning I have to listen to. My bicycle riding days are probably over with - I just hear about too many bad things happening with falls and injuries and it is not worth the risk.
Also, maybe I was feeling it just a little too much when I wrote the post on Saturday. My experience with spiritual energy is it has to be channeled as evenly as possible. When it is too strong, and the high is too great, the bipolar extreme seems to always be set up, so that the fall - literally in this case - is always a threat. One of my favorite books, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying - basically a beginner's Buddhist book designed for us western folk, describes certain meditational states or highs where one is warned not to get too excited about the highs, or too distraught about the lows - to learn that they are both fleeting and just let them pass without getting too caught up or attached in either one. It is extremely difficult to do, but there is something to it. When I start feeling very down - as was the case even yesterday, I sometimes find it coincides with being tired - and I find if I just lie down for a bit, I come to and it does not seem as bad. I know fighting it will not work, so I just let it pass. I am a diagnosed bipolar who has not had an extreme case of either extreme for 20 years now, and I think life practice can work. I also know that at some point in my life, I will probably get to a state when I need medication, and when that happens, I am pretty sure I will know it.
I am still working on the home relationship here now. There is a lot that works against us, but we are still here just about 10 years later. Some times I roll with the perceived (not literal) punches better than others, and other times I just take it too personally and get depressed about it. But I do think the counseling is going to help and hopefully go back in together - the two of us - today, although the way my wife is feeling, it may just be me. Sara starts her camp program, and also has been taking piano lessons. We may be seeing my parents in Mammoth next month, but it is not set in stone either. If it becomes too much of an effort and too much of a distraction here, to be blunt - it just won't happen. I spoke to my Dad yesterday - somewhat briefly. I know it is just his philosophy that time heals everything, and just let it be and it will go away, but the reality is some pretty cruel comments have been made by my parents - particularly one of them - not just to her but almost every in law or significant other in our family, and other than one of them who has become a spiritual master in handling it, it just does not make it easy for us - and there is enough hardship in my life already to begin with before that is added in. These things just don't go away - and my true belief on a karma level is that for whatever apparent reason or justification you may think you have for doing it, if you treat people badly, bad things happen as a result - and unless there is an attempt to own it or change it, they will continue to happen. Bad karma in short.
Well - I will know when the time comes whether the trip will happen or not. Right now my main priority is just to hold us all together, because times seem to be pretty tough for us on a lot of different levels here. My older brother also is going through very hard times, so it is not just me - and it may be even worse for him. I can't do much about it, but I really hope he can come out of it. Like most of the offspring of my family I was born into, we are good people who have had a lot of bad things happen to us and we are spending our entire lives trying to heal the damage that was done to us - and it is not an easy task. I am fortunate enough to believe that I have the tools to work through it, but a few simple twists of fate and I can very easily be where he is right now - and it is very sad to think of what he is going through now. But for now - as hard as it is - I have to count my blessings - that my family is here, that my health is pretty much here, that I did not turn into a cripple after my fall, that I have all my limbs and senses in tact, that life has challenged me and at times it seemed it would break me altogether, but that something has held me together. So I close by one again - saying thank you to the forces that be that have allowed that to happen.
This was my runner up for the title of this thread:
When heroes go down
Man or woman revealed
You cant expect any kind of mercy
On the battlefield
posted by Zook at 6:28 AM
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