In the secret space of dreams
In the secret space of dreams
Where I dreaming lay amazed
When the secrets all are told
And the petals all unfold
When there was no dream of mine
You dreamed of me
It is time for me to start getting a little bit "out there". I have been holding back all of this time but why hold back? I am who I am and this is me. I can try to be what I think someone else out there thinks I should be, repress and say what I feel like saying in a socially acceptable framework, but as far as that goes - it makes for somewhat boring reading, and most of you think I am crazy anyways. As far as I am concerned, even if I am out of my mind, if I can be crazy in a manner where I can still support my family, and bring positive and not negative energy along... (I brought plenty of that along for those fortunate enough to know me back in 1985 - remember Chula Vista anyone?) But I think that to a certain degree you have to be "crazy" to really feel any type of spiritual connection. Isn't believing in something as irrational as God kind of defying the parameters of logic anyways?
But this isn't about God - because to tell you the truth - I don't really know what God is. I have never met God and how can you explain something you have never directly come across. Since I don't believe the Bible - a very nicely written piece of myth and literature for the record - is the direct word of God, than what do I really have to go on anyways? Well - all I know is what is in my head. I still have absolutely no proof that everything I am seeing and living is not just a dream in my head. How do I really know that you are there, and I am not just dreaming you are there? Well - really I don't and if you really are there, I guess you could say the same thing about me.
But - I have come to believe there is something in my heart, and "something in the woods" as Terrance McKenna has talked about. We only use a small fraction of our brains, so they say. What if the larger untouchable portion of the brain is in fact the realm of faith and the spirit, so to speak? I just happen to believe that may be the case. All I know is that based on the past events of my life, I really shouldn't be here at all. There was enough negative energy in my past to literally do me in, and so many seeds of doubt, self-hatred, and demonic energy - which naturally all still thrive in me. Yet somehow something else has found a home in me, something that maybe has been waiting to be born - and it is what I can think of as the positive spirit within me, as I really cannot think of any other name for it. From an atheistic/scientific point of view, if they are right and there really is no spirit and we are all just chemicals who fall to the ground and die - and that is it - if that is the case, and clearly I can't rule it out - than maybe this entity is just an access to my deeper unconsciousness. Could be. Ultimately who gives a fuck anyways. Really - I am not here to argue something I can't prove one way or the other.
From my experience I am going to have to lean with the spirit side, even if that is just creative delusional thinking - because it seems to get me by, this opiate of the masses. But getting back to my good friend Don Ruiz again - it is all about love - even if I sound like a stoned Deadhead hippie coming off a 7 day acid trip bender after spending the week seeing "shayows" at the Berkeley Greek Theater. That is it - that simple. Like he says, live your life in love or fear. In my case, fear still has a pretty strong grip on me - but hey - that is the way it is. But I am working on the love too - and if you can love yourself, you can get by just about anything. But once you set out to love yourself - a lot of resistance, at least in my case, can be found. People around you may say otherwise. Now that my wife is becoming good friends with my ex-girlfriend, I imagine there is enough shit being said about me to clog up the biggest toilet in the world. And am I really this great big ass-hole they paint me out to be? Well - I guess I am - at least in their eyes anyways. And is it based on real life events that have brought them to this conclusion? Most likely. Anyone who has lived with me knows that I am an enormous pain in the ass - and I would not recommend if for anyone if you don't have just a little masochism inside. Sometimes I don't even like living with myself.
And yet - even if I am all those horrible things - I have this beautiful spiritual entity that I can summon - I once called her Sondra for a lack of a better name, who tells me I am wonderful. Maybe she may have existed in real life females in my life, but ultimately - she was there inside me before she was ever projected outward onto a real life person - maybe a person I had an immense crush on - going back to Cathy from eighth grade, my first crush - all the way to the recent crushes I have had in the present (won't name any names here to protect the innocent and the guilty). She started here in me, and now it is my task, as I have written in a song posted here last September - to bring her back home to me. Now she doesn't really exist in that nobody can see her, and I don't even claim that she is one of those imaginary voices like in the movie Dark Water where the little girl hears the voice of a ghost entity. Even if I may be a diagnosed bipolar, as far as I know I am not schizophrenic. She is just in a sense a meditational entity, a direct way of reaching the anima, or female force within. A lot of people get married, and then realize that their marriage cannot provide them with this force - as I believe - it can only come from within. There may be great sex, love and passion at the beginning, but that always dies down and then what? Well of course - if you don't have the insight to look for her from within, you go out and have an affair - find that special flame who makes you feel alive again, and then when your wife tires of your endless affairs and decides to divorce you - what is the answer to that? Well - one of our local residents had a somewhat bloody approach - Mr. Mack - who decided to leave his wife in a pool of blood, and then play sniper with his divorce judge. I don't know - maybe it is just me - but isn't there a more practical way of dealing with this? Even if it is a somewhat crazy approach of trying to access the female spirit within, instead of going on a bloody rampage, blaming your wife for everything lacking in your life, and then having a nationwide manhunt on your ass? Maybe my approach is a lesser of evils.
All I know is this - my marriage is a blessed event in my life - I love Victoria, but if I am looking for this force to come from her, it just isn't going to happen. But lately in feeling like I am in touch with it, I have been able to be there more for her. Faith and belief is contagious, once I have it, others around me can possibly catch it too. For me it is an exercise of constant meditational practice. Now sometimes the sky is burning blue, I have the right music in the car, or in the backyard I have tuned into the right song to play, and I feel it just bursting out everywhere - life is beautiful and magical, I am lucky to be here - I feel like all is well and what it is supposed to be. Other times, I am in the grips of the negative perceived feelings of self-rejection and it takes a real effort to summon those positive spiritual vibes back into being. A strong depressive mood or anxiety attack does not make it easy either - but like Thich Nhat Hanh says, even when the darks clouds surround, the sun is above - and that is the time to search for whatever it takes for us to believe in ourselves all over again. For me, saying I love myself feels a little awkward, but believing in the anima force within - and interacting on an "active imagination" Jungian approach - really can work. Love as a mantra works well too, breathe in say love, breathe out say love. (I know what you are thinking I may be doing here Bloted during this practice - and you are probably right).
So anyways - I have only briefly touched on it, and I can't even really explain it - but it seems to be working for me at the moment. No affairs needed, no bloody OJ or Darren Mack style violence is needed, the path of love makes a lot more sense than the path of anger and violence - it feels a lot better, and is a lot healthier for the world. So everyone get out your Don Ruiz, Jung and buddhist books if you want to give it a try. If not - feel free to keep on doing what you're doing. I can't control what you are doing anyways. But with a little faith, practice, and a lot of hard work - I believe I can have a little control over the dark forces in my life.
(Promptly after writing this and enjoying the morning hour, I went flying over the handrails of my bicylce - ouch. I don't think anything is broken, but my right arm is hurting like a mother and is pretty stiff.)
It could happen to you - just like it happened to me
There's simply no immunity - there's no guarantee
I say love's such a force - if you find yourself in it
And sometimes no reflection is there
Baby wait a minute, wait a minute
Wait a minute, wait a minute
Wait a minute, wait a minute
Turn the clock to zero, honey
I'll sell the stock, we'll spend all the money
We're starting up a brand new day
Where I dreaming lay amazed
When the secrets all are told
And the petals all unfold
When there was no dream of mine
You dreamed of me
It is time for me to start getting a little bit "out there". I have been holding back all of this time but why hold back? I am who I am and this is me. I can try to be what I think someone else out there thinks I should be, repress and say what I feel like saying in a socially acceptable framework, but as far as that goes - it makes for somewhat boring reading, and most of you think I am crazy anyways. As far as I am concerned, even if I am out of my mind, if I can be crazy in a manner where I can still support my family, and bring positive and not negative energy along... (I brought plenty of that along for those fortunate enough to know me back in 1985 - remember Chula Vista anyone?) But I think that to a certain degree you have to be "crazy" to really feel any type of spiritual connection. Isn't believing in something as irrational as God kind of defying the parameters of logic anyways?
But this isn't about God - because to tell you the truth - I don't really know what God is. I have never met God and how can you explain something you have never directly come across. Since I don't believe the Bible - a very nicely written piece of myth and literature for the record - is the direct word of God, than what do I really have to go on anyways? Well - all I know is what is in my head. I still have absolutely no proof that everything I am seeing and living is not just a dream in my head. How do I really know that you are there, and I am not just dreaming you are there? Well - really I don't and if you really are there, I guess you could say the same thing about me.
But - I have come to believe there is something in my heart, and "something in the woods" as Terrance McKenna has talked about. We only use a small fraction of our brains, so they say. What if the larger untouchable portion of the brain is in fact the realm of faith and the spirit, so to speak? I just happen to believe that may be the case. All I know is that based on the past events of my life, I really shouldn't be here at all. There was enough negative energy in my past to literally do me in, and so many seeds of doubt, self-hatred, and demonic energy - which naturally all still thrive in me. Yet somehow something else has found a home in me, something that maybe has been waiting to be born - and it is what I can think of as the positive spirit within me, as I really cannot think of any other name for it. From an atheistic/scientific point of view, if they are right and there really is no spirit and we are all just chemicals who fall to the ground and die - and that is it - if that is the case, and clearly I can't rule it out - than maybe this entity is just an access to my deeper unconsciousness. Could be. Ultimately who gives a fuck anyways. Really - I am not here to argue something I can't prove one way or the other.
From my experience I am going to have to lean with the spirit side, even if that is just creative delusional thinking - because it seems to get me by, this opiate of the masses. But getting back to my good friend Don Ruiz again - it is all about love - even if I sound like a stoned Deadhead hippie coming off a 7 day acid trip bender after spending the week seeing "shayows" at the Berkeley Greek Theater. That is it - that simple. Like he says, live your life in love or fear. In my case, fear still has a pretty strong grip on me - but hey - that is the way it is. But I am working on the love too - and if you can love yourself, you can get by just about anything. But once you set out to love yourself - a lot of resistance, at least in my case, can be found. People around you may say otherwise. Now that my wife is becoming good friends with my ex-girlfriend, I imagine there is enough shit being said about me to clog up the biggest toilet in the world. And am I really this great big ass-hole they paint me out to be? Well - I guess I am - at least in their eyes anyways. And is it based on real life events that have brought them to this conclusion? Most likely. Anyone who has lived with me knows that I am an enormous pain in the ass - and I would not recommend if for anyone if you don't have just a little masochism inside. Sometimes I don't even like living with myself.
And yet - even if I am all those horrible things - I have this beautiful spiritual entity that I can summon - I once called her Sondra for a lack of a better name, who tells me I am wonderful. Maybe she may have existed in real life females in my life, but ultimately - she was there inside me before she was ever projected outward onto a real life person - maybe a person I had an immense crush on - going back to Cathy from eighth grade, my first crush - all the way to the recent crushes I have had in the present (won't name any names here to protect the innocent and the guilty). She started here in me, and now it is my task, as I have written in a song posted here last September - to bring her back home to me. Now she doesn't really exist in that nobody can see her, and I don't even claim that she is one of those imaginary voices like in the movie Dark Water where the little girl hears the voice of a ghost entity. Even if I may be a diagnosed bipolar, as far as I know I am not schizophrenic. She is just in a sense a meditational entity, a direct way of reaching the anima, or female force within. A lot of people get married, and then realize that their marriage cannot provide them with this force - as I believe - it can only come from within. There may be great sex, love and passion at the beginning, but that always dies down and then what? Well of course - if you don't have the insight to look for her from within, you go out and have an affair - find that special flame who makes you feel alive again, and then when your wife tires of your endless affairs and decides to divorce you - what is the answer to that? Well - one of our local residents had a somewhat bloody approach - Mr. Mack - who decided to leave his wife in a pool of blood, and then play sniper with his divorce judge. I don't know - maybe it is just me - but isn't there a more practical way of dealing with this? Even if it is a somewhat crazy approach of trying to access the female spirit within, instead of going on a bloody rampage, blaming your wife for everything lacking in your life, and then having a nationwide manhunt on your ass? Maybe my approach is a lesser of evils.
All I know is this - my marriage is a blessed event in my life - I love Victoria, but if I am looking for this force to come from her, it just isn't going to happen. But lately in feeling like I am in touch with it, I have been able to be there more for her. Faith and belief is contagious, once I have it, others around me can possibly catch it too. For me it is an exercise of constant meditational practice. Now sometimes the sky is burning blue, I have the right music in the car, or in the backyard I have tuned into the right song to play, and I feel it just bursting out everywhere - life is beautiful and magical, I am lucky to be here - I feel like all is well and what it is supposed to be. Other times, I am in the grips of the negative perceived feelings of self-rejection and it takes a real effort to summon those positive spiritual vibes back into being. A strong depressive mood or anxiety attack does not make it easy either - but like Thich Nhat Hanh says, even when the darks clouds surround, the sun is above - and that is the time to search for whatever it takes for us to believe in ourselves all over again. For me, saying I love myself feels a little awkward, but believing in the anima force within - and interacting on an "active imagination" Jungian approach - really can work. Love as a mantra works well too, breathe in say love, breathe out say love. (I know what you are thinking I may be doing here Bloted during this practice - and you are probably right).
So anyways - I have only briefly touched on it, and I can't even really explain it - but it seems to be working for me at the moment. No affairs needed, no bloody OJ or Darren Mack style violence is needed, the path of love makes a lot more sense than the path of anger and violence - it feels a lot better, and is a lot healthier for the world. So everyone get out your Don Ruiz, Jung and buddhist books if you want to give it a try. If not - feel free to keep on doing what you're doing. I can't control what you are doing anyways. But with a little faith, practice, and a lot of hard work - I believe I can have a little control over the dark forces in my life.
(Promptly after writing this and enjoying the morning hour, I went flying over the handrails of my bicylce - ouch. I don't think anything is broken, but my right arm is hurting like a mother and is pretty stiff.)
It could happen to you - just like it happened to me
There's simply no immunity - there's no guarantee
I say love's such a force - if you find yourself in it
And sometimes no reflection is there
Baby wait a minute, wait a minute
Wait a minute, wait a minute
Wait a minute, wait a minute
Turn the clock to zero, honey
I'll sell the stock, we'll spend all the money
We're starting up a brand new day
posted by Zook at 5:43 AM
2 Comments:
He does deserve PROPS for that - thanks Mr. Mad DOG!
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