Borderline

It's not just a song by Madonna - it is also the latest personality disorder diagnosis and my latest therapist believes it had a large factor in my upbringing. Please join me in taking the test - do you have or have you had any of these symptoms:


1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or
self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5. tough call - I am going to say definite maybe there

2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating
between extremes of idealization and devaluation YES

3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self YES

4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex,
substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating
behavior covered in Criterion 5. (well have had my impulsive moments, but general fear usually controls that - so I will have to go with no)

5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
YES

6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria,
irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days) YES

7. chronic feelings of emptiness YES

8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper,
constant anger, recurrent physical fights) YES

9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms - once a long time ago while in a manic state, but generally speaking I have to go with no


You can read the link above for more information, but scoring a 6 out of 9 - based on that test alone, it appears to be something I have inherited - that just may be a possible factor in my perceived lack of ambition.

It's just a spring clean for the May Queen 

Fun with the kids 

All the things I thought I figured out...

I have to learn again

I have the good fortune of reading a lot of good books with a lot of great wisdom, courtesy of the Carson City library among other places, and I have had some decent therapy, and I am about to embark on another session with my beloved wife this morning. If there is a lesson I seem to learn over and over these days, it is that if I think I get it, I really don't, and if I think I have figured it out, that hasn't happened either. It keeps me humble, but it is just a little discouraging at times. Thankfully, I have support along the way and as much as I keep stumbling, and falling. I get knocked down, but I get up again, and then I repeat step A over and over again - but as many times as I do get knocked down, I always find a way to get up again, even if the last punch always seems to send me reeling, spinning, and dizzy. Just when I feel to be all alone with this, I find when it is really needed that there is always Help on The Way and for this I am - GRATEFUL - for lack of a better word.

So let's step by step walk down all of my should be doings vs. really am doings:

1) Letting go - real tough one for me. I often find myself dwelling on something that happened about a year ago. It is over and done, communications officially ceased around a year ago in this time, but in my mind the reel to reel is re-playing it over and over in my head and I can't seem to shake it. Rationally I know I have to move on, live in the present and not the past, but My Mind's Got a Mind of Its Own. And yet when I find this happening, I often tend to think of a friend of mine's saying - Scott - once told my wife Victoria regarding certain conflicts in his life that I will not divulge here, other than to reveal a somewhat profound quote that came as a result of them - "it passes". Because it really is true, the feelings come, and then they go, and then I realize that even though letting go of the past does not come easy, that the people I am going to invite into my life - for whatever reason I find necessary to - have to be those that are going to help me, not harm me. Life is hard enough as it is and if you are trying to bring me down or take something from me - letting you in the door is not a good idea - and as I have not reached the all transcendental state of enlightenment where I can open my doors to all and love everyone unconditiionally, I have to resort more to the taking care of this wounded animal mode here instead. So - long story short - I have come a ways here, but letting go - does not come easy. The temptation to fall back into self-destructive and addictive habits, whether they are substances, gambling, or destructive personal interactions always lies in wait. As Ollabelle so clearly puts it - Get back temptation. Easier said than done - where is that damn chocolate I just bought yesterday...


2) Don't take things personally - One of the 4 agreements of Don Miguel Ruiz is to not take things personally. Everyone is living their own dream and whatever role they assign to you in their movie, is just their projection - it isn't really you. Wow - great advice - so that is why I continue to take things personally constantly. I take it personally when there are conflicts in my marriage. I took it personally when we were at Earth day last week and a woman who came with us wanted to leave almost as soon as we got there because she was not enjoying it, and then she stormed off and left us there because we would not leave when she wanted to. I was hoping Victoria had a new friend, and was trying hard to make it happen. I was angry at this friend of hers for a while, but then realized I was down on myself because it did not work out the way I hoped to - and now a week later I can just see it was what it was, but I did take it personally and get down on myself - and for what? But - no point in beating myself up now for beating myself up then - I tend to do that and do a good job of it too. It is just going to happen, my inner parasite is one hell of a son of a bitch and it is not going down any time soon. But - doesn't mean I am going to give into it either, but it is one hell of a motherfucker - for lack of a better word.

3) Forgiveness - Ruiz and just about every self help book or Buddhist philosopher always preaches forgiveness. It sounds great - it is a great way to heal and move on. I have gone through the motions of it before, said I have moved on, said that those in the past that I have perceived to have harmed me I will forgive. I know it is what you are supposed to do. I know it has great results. I wish I could - but - at this point in time - I would be lying to myself if I said I could. Because quite simply - it just is not in my heart. Maybe some day, years of meditation and contemplation later, or even a near death experience and I will feel that way. Victoria's father - who has had quite a life and done a lot of things I am sure he regrets, actually approached her, apologized, and asked for her forgiveness during her last visit there. Coming from his generation, the generation that bit their lip, never looked inward, and just put on a determined face to work hard and put on a good front in the face of falling apart, the generation that saw a psychologist chair as a bunch of hippy horse shit - making that statement is a pretty amazing thing. No - there is no way to avenge for some of the things he allegedly has done, but just to ask for forgiveness is a pretty amazing step. Being around him is like being around a Buddha - I made that comment in my photos of the trip. It is pretty inspiring. Maybe some day I can be like him. Maybe some day others can be too. I am just not holding my breath.

4) Love, compassion and fear - Ruiz talks about living in love and living in fear. If you don't live in love, you live in fear. I want the love road - I really do. I have love in my heart for others, for my family, for humanity. Yet I am scared shitless - I really am. I worry about my finances constantly. The positive side is that I have managed our money okay, we aren't in serious debt - just the normal debt that everyone is these days - thanks to the wonders of mortgage. I have escaped the credit card debt, have not filed for bankruptcy. Gas bills, rent bills, tax bills, phone bills - I'm such a wreck but I'm staying alive - you really have to be Superman to survive everything these days - and it really does freak me out. I know I should have faith, it has gotten me to where I am now - and I do have some faith for certain, if I didn't I would not have made it this far. But that creeping doubt takes hold of me and I start freaking out worrying about it. It sounds crazy but I did not even want to donate some horrible generic tuna fish cans to a thrift store because I thought we might need them some day. I know - it is fucked up. Oh well - working on that one too.

Well - I could keep going - you get the idea. But I generally speaking know of the best way to live - the way to live in love, confidence, compassion, faith and spirit. I know I have it in me.

It's a long, long, long, long way to go

Future Aztec to be 

The wolfman's sister 

Bouncing round the room 

Beauty and the Beast 

It turns out there may be a story behind this photo. The guy who drew this picture of us at Earth Day in Idylwild Park in downtown Reno - kind of a creepy old man type, who seemed to be drooling at the mouth when describing Victoria - and even had her pegged at 40DD bra size - is someone she swears is a retired professor who was hitting on her in San Diego around the time of her first divorce, she just did not put two and two together when he was there drawing us - but she says there is no doubt it was him. He was insulting me the entire time, calling me "sausage lips" among other things - and I am used to insults so I did not do much about it, but apparently it was out of jealousy since he wanted her at one time for himself. Seems like everyone is always hitting on her - just must be something about her I guess...

Earth Day 2006 

Wishing well with a golden bell

bucket hanging clear to hell was actually going to be the title post for the one that actually turned into Just Like Frankenstein but now that I have just freshly listened to Disc 3 of Ladies and Gentlemen I am prepared to use this as my title line. On a side note, one of my friends who some of us refer to as the Captain read one of my selected posts here and observed that it was difficult for him to get past my writing style as one where I address an audience and get up on my soapbox so to speak. He has read some of my personal diary writings and quite truthfully, some of them get pretty raw, but unfortunately - they would not fly too well on a public site, even though I would like to put some of them in here. So you all have to live with the watered down version of me, but I will try as a response to this to not quite be so conscious of you looking over my shoulder, given the average numbers of response to any given writings of mine is somewhere between 1/4 and 1/2 of a comment. I never win any popularity contests no matter where I go, but I am probably more comfortable that way.

The present book I have taken out from the Minden Library is The Art of Happiness - which I like in part because it is not just the Dalai Lama going off on his own, but an interaction between a very American psychiatrist - so that the east and west are somewhat balanced. Some times when you get the monologue approach, these people are so far into their other worldly realm that quite frankly it is a little hard to relate to them, as is often the case with Don Miguel Ruiz as well. On paper everything they say sounds great, but to us mortals who are still quite caught up in our daily soap opera emotions and desires, they can not be just put into place at the drop of a hat. As much as it may come across that way that I am on their level, I am nowhere near it - although I have fleeting moments of feeling like I am while singing lines such as Recall the Days that Still are to come when I am alone in a dark room as was the case last night.

So - this diatribe is about desires. On a very enlightened level, the common consensus from both Ruiz and the Dalai Lama is that any attachment tends to cause us problems, and the more we are liberated from our desires, the better off we are. Again - sounds wonderful, but I personally have to translate this down to the realm of a mere mortal. For one thing - my desire for sex is not going anywhere any time soon. There could always be more of it in my life, but I usually find when I have a very strong need to have it there, my marriage is accommodating. (Same disclaimer, if you are offended by this - stop reading here). It is true that my desire level is not often on the same page as the one of my wife, but going back to You Get What You Need - I find that I usually do in my marriage. Kind of like Shaq with his somewhat questionable claim that he always gets the free throws in when he needs them, that is my experience here at home. My personal observation after 10 years of being with my soul mate is that I have to sort out what I want from what I need, and sometimes I am just thinking I want it to happen because I believe it is suppose to, when I am really just going through the motions, and then when it finally does happen it is not even that great anyways. In addition - there is something to be said for taking more than a night off at a time and letting the desire build up on its own. I know there are people out there who claim to go at it constantly - 3-4 times if not more a day, and I often envy those people - and yet when it comes down to it - I do get what I need here, it is just not always the way I think it should work out on an immediate level, but it all seems to work out. So my compromise from no desire at all is to try to be in tune with do I really want this and need this vs. just thinking it should happen because there is nothing better to do. Some times I am even responding to what Victoria wants - not that this happens a lot, but it seems to. I could spend a whole section on all the females who have come across Victoria who have responded to her on a lesbian basis, but I think I will save that for another time - or better yet, not go there at all.

As far as romance goes, as pointed out in our book we are a society of romance. Where the Dalai Lama comes out and states he never feels lonely and is close to people on an intimate level (but not physical intimacy) he does not need to have a wife to feel this way, or even feel sex. Yet in our society we believe that if we are not in love and with our soul mate, we cannot feel this way - and even when we find a marriage situation, the romance is going to come to an end and then many keep on chasing it somewhere else, and then they end up being lonely forever. And this has affected me - as I have already written here and don't need to dwell on it - but my solution there is to experience those feelings on my own - while singing, listening to my favorite songs - and feeling the pull without actually responding to it. I love my wife, as a friend and sexually, but I don't know if I can state I am truly in love with her in a Romeo and Juliet fashion - and I am sure that is a mutual feeling there, but again I still can get what I need with what is there without having to go somewhere else, as I once felt I had to at one point in time. I can never say I am immune from that feeling, and I can never offer any complete guarantees to her or anyone, but I think having survived the strongest temptation I have ever had to face and having the marriage come out, somewhat battered but still intact - I don't believe I am going to succumb. I don't have women falling all over themselves to be with me either - which makes that one a little bit easier.

And what applies to sex applies to one of my greatest addictions and our society as a whole - food. It won't do to think of caramel.
There is room for moderation - and when I can get in tune with eating well, I not only keep my weight down, but I feel good about myself. Still I love chocolate and the latest word is that dark chocolate is healthy chocolate - so if I can limit myself to a couple pieces of it from Trader Joe's and watch what I eat I am coming out okay. Again - easier said than done, but it can be done. Yesterday I let it get the better of me, eating ice cream at Baskin Robbins because my enabler of a wife got a double scoop for both of us when I did not want it, and then ate the cake she later baked because it was there and for no other reason, with the end result being that I had to hit the Pepto Bismal in a state of nausea from too much sugar. I cannot be a role model for my own daughter if I eat tons of sugar infested shit all the time either. Not pointing fingers to one of our readers here - but bringing home Krispy Kreme doughnuts is not going to be setting up the best example for members of your household if you want them to be healthy. So again - the key for eating is to not eat because you are bored and there is nothing better to do, but eat what you need and what your body needs when you really need to - no more and no less, not self imposed starvation, but just eating the right thing at the right time - and that is also the best compromise I can come up with there.

Well - damn - I guess I got up on the soap box again, despite my efforts not to. Stepping down from it now.

Everything comes

and goes..

Since this is a place that other people read and I can't just freely post whatever I want without realizing it will have an effect on people, you are going to get the extremely watered down version of what is happening here - but in essence - when you take a car to the shop, it can be running great for a while, but as one of my friends has pointed out, at some point it is going to need a tune up again - so - metaphorically speaking - it is time to bring that car back to the shop again. It has been a pretty reliable car for almost 10 years now, but sometimes things that are coming together, have a way of falling apart and that is clearly what is happening now. Is it anybody's fault? Well - no. A woman at my gym who is clearly a devoted Christian told me there is only one truth and one way to get to heaven. I agree with her - and I told her that I agreed with her, with just one ever so slight deviation (which I did not tell her but I am now stating here) that being - there may be only one road of truth, but there are an infinite number of paths leading to that one truth. So there is no side to take here - at least in my point of view - because everyone has their own perspective. So - that said - I have faith that this faithful vehicle of ours will be up and running again in no time - but for the time being - until it can be fixed, it is going to have to be just set aside so that nobody ends up driving over the cliff with it.

Sitting on the sofa 

Coming off the ferris wheel at the SC Boardwalk 

Future movie star on the right 

She loves her Aunt Elva 

They decided not to kill each other 

Say goodbye to Granma and Grandpa 

He thought he was going to hit her, but laughed instead 

Two happy couples on a Friday night 

Concept picture - courtesy of 7 year old photographer Sara 

Jamming the night away 

At my sister's house 

Look at that pretty couple 

One happy grandparent, one appears to not be so happy... 

Smiling with "the buddha" also known as Dad 

A chat with "the buddha" 

Sharing a moment of laughter 

Sisters who love each other 

Forget it - I ain't smiling!