All the things I thought I figured out...
I have to learn again
I have the good fortune of reading a lot of good books with a lot of great wisdom, courtesy of the Carson City library among other places, and I have had some decent therapy, and I am about to embark on another session with my beloved wife this morning. If there is a lesson I seem to learn over and over these days, it is that if I think I get it, I really don't, and if I think I have figured it out, that hasn't happened either. It keeps me humble, but it is just a little discouraging at times. Thankfully, I have support along the way and as much as I keep stumbling, and falling. I get knocked down, but I get up again, and then I repeat step A over and over again - but as many times as I do get knocked down, I always find a way to get up again, even if the last punch always seems to send me reeling, spinning, and dizzy. Just when I feel to be all alone with this, I find when it is really needed that there is always Help on The Way and for this I am - GRATEFUL - for lack of a better word.
So let's step by step walk down all of my should be doings vs. really am doings:
1) Letting go - real tough one for me. I often find myself dwelling on something that happened about a year ago. It is over and done, communications officially ceased around a year ago in this time, but in my mind the reel to reel is re-playing it over and over in my head and I can't seem to shake it. Rationally I know I have to move on, live in the present and not the past, but My Mind's Got a Mind of Its Own. And yet when I find this happening, I often tend to think of a friend of mine's saying - Scott - once told my wife Victoria regarding certain conflicts in his life that I will not divulge here, other than to reveal a somewhat profound quote that came as a result of them - "it passes". Because it really is true, the feelings come, and then they go, and then I realize that even though letting go of the past does not come easy, that the people I am going to invite into my life - for whatever reason I find necessary to - have to be those that are going to help me, not harm me. Life is hard enough as it is and if you are trying to bring me down or take something from me - letting you in the door is not a good idea - and as I have not reached the all transcendental state of enlightenment where I can open my doors to all and love everyone unconditiionally, I have to resort more to the taking care of this wounded animal mode here instead. So - long story short - I have come a ways here, but letting go - does not come easy. The temptation to fall back into self-destructive and addictive habits, whether they are substances, gambling, or destructive personal interactions always lies in wait. As Ollabelle so clearly puts it - Get back temptation. Easier said than done - where is that damn chocolate I just bought yesterday...
2) Don't take things personally - One of the 4 agreements of Don Miguel Ruiz is to not take things personally. Everyone is living their own dream and whatever role they assign to you in their movie, is just their projection - it isn't really you. Wow - great advice - so that is why I continue to take things personally constantly. I take it personally when there are conflicts in my marriage. I took it personally when we were at Earth day last week and a woman who came with us wanted to leave almost as soon as we got there because she was not enjoying it, and then she stormed off and left us there because we would not leave when she wanted to. I was hoping Victoria had a new friend, and was trying hard to make it happen. I was angry at this friend of hers for a while, but then realized I was down on myself because it did not work out the way I hoped to - and now a week later I can just see it was what it was, but I did take it personally and get down on myself - and for what? But - no point in beating myself up now for beating myself up then - I tend to do that and do a good job of it too. It is just going to happen, my inner parasite is one hell of a son of a bitch and it is not going down any time soon. But - doesn't mean I am going to give into it either, but it is one hell of a motherfucker - for lack of a better word.
3) Forgiveness - Ruiz and just about every self help book or Buddhist philosopher always preaches forgiveness. It sounds great - it is a great way to heal and move on. I have gone through the motions of it before, said I have moved on, said that those in the past that I have perceived to have harmed me I will forgive. I know it is what you are supposed to do. I know it has great results. I wish I could - but - at this point in time - I would be lying to myself if I said I could. Because quite simply - it just is not in my heart. Maybe some day, years of meditation and contemplation later, or even a near death experience and I will feel that way. Victoria's father - who has had quite a life and done a lot of things I am sure he regrets, actually approached her, apologized, and asked for her forgiveness during her last visit there. Coming from his generation, the generation that bit their lip, never looked inward, and just put on a determined face to work hard and put on a good front in the face of falling apart, the generation that saw a psychologist chair as a bunch of hippy horse shit - making that statement is a pretty amazing thing. No - there is no way to avenge for some of the things he allegedly has done, but just to ask for forgiveness is a pretty amazing step. Being around him is like being around a Buddha - I made that comment in my photos of the trip. It is pretty inspiring. Maybe some day I can be like him. Maybe some day others can be too. I am just not holding my breath.
4) Love, compassion and fear - Ruiz talks about living in love and living in fear. If you don't live in love, you live in fear. I want the love road - I really do. I have love in my heart for others, for my family, for humanity. Yet I am scared shitless - I really am. I worry about my finances constantly. The positive side is that I have managed our money okay, we aren't in serious debt - just the normal debt that everyone is these days - thanks to the wonders of mortgage. I have escaped the credit card debt, have not filed for bankruptcy. Gas bills, rent bills, tax bills, phone bills - I'm such a wreck but I'm staying alive - you really have to be Superman to survive everything these days - and it really does freak me out. I know I should have faith, it has gotten me to where I am now - and I do have some faith for certain, if I didn't I would not have made it this far. But that creeping doubt takes hold of me and I start freaking out worrying about it. It sounds crazy but I did not even want to donate some horrible generic tuna fish cans to a thrift store because I thought we might need them some day. I know - it is fucked up. Oh well - working on that one too.
Well - I could keep going - you get the idea. But I generally speaking know of the best way to live - the way to live in love, confidence, compassion, faith and spirit. I know I have it in me.
It's a long, long, long, long way to go
I have the good fortune of reading a lot of good books with a lot of great wisdom, courtesy of the Carson City library among other places, and I have had some decent therapy, and I am about to embark on another session with my beloved wife this morning. If there is a lesson I seem to learn over and over these days, it is that if I think I get it, I really don't, and if I think I have figured it out, that hasn't happened either. It keeps me humble, but it is just a little discouraging at times. Thankfully, I have support along the way and as much as I keep stumbling, and falling. I get knocked down, but I get up again, and then I repeat step A over and over again - but as many times as I do get knocked down, I always find a way to get up again, even if the last punch always seems to send me reeling, spinning, and dizzy. Just when I feel to be all alone with this, I find when it is really needed that there is always Help on The Way and for this I am - GRATEFUL - for lack of a better word.
So let's step by step walk down all of my should be doings vs. really am doings:
1) Letting go - real tough one for me. I often find myself dwelling on something that happened about a year ago. It is over and done, communications officially ceased around a year ago in this time, but in my mind the reel to reel is re-playing it over and over in my head and I can't seem to shake it. Rationally I know I have to move on, live in the present and not the past, but My Mind's Got a Mind of Its Own. And yet when I find this happening, I often tend to think of a friend of mine's saying - Scott - once told my wife Victoria regarding certain conflicts in his life that I will not divulge here, other than to reveal a somewhat profound quote that came as a result of them - "it passes". Because it really is true, the feelings come, and then they go, and then I realize that even though letting go of the past does not come easy, that the people I am going to invite into my life - for whatever reason I find necessary to - have to be those that are going to help me, not harm me. Life is hard enough as it is and if you are trying to bring me down or take something from me - letting you in the door is not a good idea - and as I have not reached the all transcendental state of enlightenment where I can open my doors to all and love everyone unconditiionally, I have to resort more to the taking care of this wounded animal mode here instead. So - long story short - I have come a ways here, but letting go - does not come easy. The temptation to fall back into self-destructive and addictive habits, whether they are substances, gambling, or destructive personal interactions always lies in wait. As Ollabelle so clearly puts it - Get back temptation. Easier said than done - where is that damn chocolate I just bought yesterday...
2) Don't take things personally - One of the 4 agreements of Don Miguel Ruiz is to not take things personally. Everyone is living their own dream and whatever role they assign to you in their movie, is just their projection - it isn't really you. Wow - great advice - so that is why I continue to take things personally constantly. I take it personally when there are conflicts in my marriage. I took it personally when we were at Earth day last week and a woman who came with us wanted to leave almost as soon as we got there because she was not enjoying it, and then she stormed off and left us there because we would not leave when she wanted to. I was hoping Victoria had a new friend, and was trying hard to make it happen. I was angry at this friend of hers for a while, but then realized I was down on myself because it did not work out the way I hoped to - and now a week later I can just see it was what it was, but I did take it personally and get down on myself - and for what? But - no point in beating myself up now for beating myself up then - I tend to do that and do a good job of it too. It is just going to happen, my inner parasite is one hell of a son of a bitch and it is not going down any time soon. But - doesn't mean I am going to give into it either, but it is one hell of a motherfucker - for lack of a better word.
3) Forgiveness - Ruiz and just about every self help book or Buddhist philosopher always preaches forgiveness. It sounds great - it is a great way to heal and move on. I have gone through the motions of it before, said I have moved on, said that those in the past that I have perceived to have harmed me I will forgive. I know it is what you are supposed to do. I know it has great results. I wish I could - but - at this point in time - I would be lying to myself if I said I could. Because quite simply - it just is not in my heart. Maybe some day, years of meditation and contemplation later, or even a near death experience and I will feel that way. Victoria's father - who has had quite a life and done a lot of things I am sure he regrets, actually approached her, apologized, and asked for her forgiveness during her last visit there. Coming from his generation, the generation that bit their lip, never looked inward, and just put on a determined face to work hard and put on a good front in the face of falling apart, the generation that saw a psychologist chair as a bunch of hippy horse shit - making that statement is a pretty amazing thing. No - there is no way to avenge for some of the things he allegedly has done, but just to ask for forgiveness is a pretty amazing step. Being around him is like being around a Buddha - I made that comment in my photos of the trip. It is pretty inspiring. Maybe some day I can be like him. Maybe some day others can be too. I am just not holding my breath.
4) Love, compassion and fear - Ruiz talks about living in love and living in fear. If you don't live in love, you live in fear. I want the love road - I really do. I have love in my heart for others, for my family, for humanity. Yet I am scared shitless - I really am. I worry about my finances constantly. The positive side is that I have managed our money okay, we aren't in serious debt - just the normal debt that everyone is these days - thanks to the wonders of mortgage. I have escaped the credit card debt, have not filed for bankruptcy. Gas bills, rent bills, tax bills, phone bills - I'm such a wreck but I'm staying alive - you really have to be Superman to survive everything these days - and it really does freak me out. I know I should have faith, it has gotten me to where I am now - and I do have some faith for certain, if I didn't I would not have made it this far. But that creeping doubt takes hold of me and I start freaking out worrying about it. It sounds crazy but I did not even want to donate some horrible generic tuna fish cans to a thrift store because I thought we might need them some day. I know - it is fucked up. Oh well - working on that one too.
Well - I could keep going - you get the idea. But I generally speaking know of the best way to live - the way to live in love, confidence, compassion, faith and spirit. I know I have it in me.
It's a long, long, long, long way to go
posted by Zook at 5:42 AM
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