Dan is a fan and he lives for our music

A ROCK ’N’ ROLL FANTASY LYRICS
(Ray Davies)

Hello you, hello me, hello people we used to be
Isn’t it strange, we never changed
We’ve been through it all yet we’re still the same
And I know it’s a miracle, we still go, and for all we know
We might still have a way to go

Hello me, hello you, you say you want out
Want to start anew, throw in your hand
Break up the band, start a new life, be a new man
But for all we know, we might still have a way to go
Before you go, there’s something you ought to know

There’s a guy in my block, he lives for rock
He plays records day and night
And when he feels down, he puts some rock ’n’ roll on
And it makes him feel alright
And when he feels the world is closing in
He turns his stereo way up high

He just spends his life, living in a rock ’n’ roll fantasy
He just spends his life, living on the edge of reality
He just spends his life, in a rock ’n’ roll fantasy
He just spends his life, living in a rock ’n’ roll fantasy
He just spends his life, living on the edge of reality
He just spends his life, in a rock ’n’ roll fantasy
He just spends his life, livingt in a rock ’n’ roll fantasy

Look at me, look at you
You say you’ve got nothing left to prove
The king is dead, rock is done
You might be through but I’ve just begun
I don’t know, I feel free and I won’t let go
Before you go, there’s something you ought to know

Dan is a fan and he lives for our music
It’s the only thing that gets him by
He’s watched us grow and he’s seen all our shows
He’s seen us low and he’s seen us high
Oh, but you and me keep thinking
That the world’s just passing us by

Dont’ want to spend my life, living in a rock ’n’ roll fantasy
Don’t want to spend my life living on the edge of reality
Don’t want to waste my life, hiding away anymore
Don’t want to spend my life, living in a rock ’n’ roll fantasy...

Despite all the amputations... it was all right

Anxiety for me is kind of like allergies and colds for others - I never know when it is going to come, then all of a sudden -there it is. I had been free from it for a while, but the dream I mentioned in the post below seemed to set the tone for it yesterday. When we all went off to Carson City for Sara's therapy, I snuck away from my home office thinking it wouldn't be too long before I returned. Well - the session went over time, and one thing led to another - then all of a sudden I started to panic because I was not at my desk. Once the panic starts - it is there, and you can't talk yourself out of it. I went through a lot of this during my depression - it on some level feels like everything is spinning out of control, and it is a feeling of complete helplessness that you just have to ride out like a storm, because it is not going anywhere. The Kava herb seems to snap me out of it - which worked when I got home - along with a generic Alleve pill for a headache - since it is somewhat exhausting to experience, but one day later, I slept great and it was like it never was there. The fact is - these things are part of my make up and it will happen again. I just have to accept it when it does, and be ready for it as much as I can be.

Of course - it does pose the greater question that if missing work to go to therapy is going to make you a nervous wreck, is it really going to be all that helpful...

It seems like all this life was just a dream

My dream last night was that I had taken a test involving drowning, and had failed it - and was going to lose my job as a result of it. My employers had figured out that I was not what I claimed to be and this test had sealed it. The Jim Rome show was playing on the radio, and the host mentioned how difficult it was going to be for me to recover from this.

The wheel is turning...

Owen - our kitty - has recovered remarkably well. In some ways it was maybe a blessing that he ended up requiring overnight treatment for the Tylenol, because he had a deep infected wound that was possibly going to need surgery, and spending a couple nights in the animal hospital seemed to do wonders for his wounded paw, and it turns out there will be no long lasting effects from the Tylenol (still never give this to an animal if you are reading this).

Victoria and I are continuing to work things out. She has some past traumas of her own that she needs to slowly but surely accept. It doesn't always go the way we want it to go - and part of the trick is to adjusting to that when that happens. It is like any job - it just takes a lot of work - especially from within. The book and the notions in the book I have talked about are pretty useful - it just takes time and practice to put them into motion.

I felt very grateful yesterday after just taking a few bites of some pizza here after we got back from swimming and the follow up visit with the veterinarian in Minden where they confirmed the cat recovered remarkably. I was never a real big cat person before I met Victoria, but Owen has been with us and alive since the beginning of our relationship, and I have grown attached to him. He has quite a remarkable little spirit and will to live - despite all he has been through. I think my blood sugar was getting a little low before I had the pizza, and it just seemed like such a divine miracle to be able to eat something, and we take our food for granted most of the time.

I got a pretty decent raise at my job. I know - some might say or think the raise (or the job itself) is not good enough, but considering I got almost double the normal recommended amount for employees, it is nice to be appreciated, especially since I often have to remind myself of my own value to myself. Learning to like/love myself is a constant challenge and goes against a lot of my instincts to do just the opposite. The negative voices can say what the f*** are you doing as a claims adjuster when you should be more ambitious, have more money, be in a more respectable job. Then again - the positive voices can come back and say in this day and age I am lucky to have a job and be able to support my family and keep up the house, when many are not in a position to even be able to do that - especially given my often somewhat fragile and consuming mental state that I never thought I would break out of 20 years ago when it had me completely in its grasp. I guess it is the old glass half empty vs. half full approach. My manager wrote: "David Continue(s) to be the backbone for Northern NV. He has been very dependable. This was a tough Winter for David due to the increase of business." That about sums it up.

Things are a little better with my parents, but these things take time too. You don't just have one conversation and then get everything back to normal. There are some pretty serious issues still out there that I am guessing we are never going to work out. The bottom line (in the off chance that one of them is reading this) is it feels way too soon to see them right now - I am not ready - and I think forcing anything is not a good idea, especially when there are enough emotional charges still going on. So - I hope they enjoy their visit to Mammoth Lakes, but I am going to listen to my instincts here and take a pass on that for the time being.

Finally, one of our elderly neighbors on the other side of the block - was striking a conversation with me, and then the subject turned to the condition of the neighborhood and the HO association, before she angrily mentioned that "damn purple house" which I kindly informed her belonged to me. She seemed a little taken aback, but that was okay. I told her it won't be purple for long though. This house is about to undergo a major facelift.

To close with a couple verses from my favorite group and their lyricist:

"The wheel is turning and you can't slow down,
You can't let go and you can't hold on,
You can't go back and you can't stand still,
If the thunder don't get you then the lightning will.

Small wheel turn by the fire and rod,
Big wheel turn by the grace of God,
Every time that wheel turn 'round,
Bound to cover just a little more ground."

Turn, turn, turn

This is my favorite song for the time being - I cannot get enough of playing it and singing it. The words and chords are below - if I am right, Pete Seeger wrote it and the Byrds did an amazing harmonic cover of it:

TURN, TURN, TURN- The Byrds

Intro: C Dm F G C Dm F G C riff F G C riff F G
CHORUS:
C F C G
To everything, turn, turn, turn
C F C G
There is a season, turn, turn, turn
F Em Dm G7 C F C
And a time to every purpose under heaven


C G7 C
A time to be born, a time to die
G7 C
A time to plant, a time to reap
G7 C
A time to kill, a time to heal
F Em Dm G7 C
A time to laugh, a time to weep...CHORUS

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones
A time to gather stones together ...CHORUS

A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace
A time to refrain from embracing ...CHORUS

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it's not too late ...CHORUS

G Dm riff F G G Dm riff F G


riff (on A string): 0 2 3

I know how it feels son, cus it runs in the family...

We are booking Sara her first psychotherapy appointment on Monday - all of us are going to be there. She is getting a head start - I didn't start going until I was almost 20. I know everyone thinks she is adorable - and she is - but she has just a few issues - including throwing a temper tantrum every time we take her to her summer program, being very dependent on her mother and anxiety prone when she is not there, new situations scare her (it was not a pretty sight when we tried to teach her to swim at a class) - and on top of it all, there is a possible concern of an eating disorder as she is very concerned about gaining weight from eating too much - which is a little early for a 6 year old. Being an only child in an isolated area does not help much either, and I certainly identify with a lot of her fears - so - I think this is the best thing for all of us right now.

I feel I never told you....

the story of the ghost
that I once knew and talked to
of whom I'd never boast
for this was my big secret
how I'd get ahead
and never have to worry
I'd call him instead

his answer came in actions
he never spoke a word
or maybe I laid down the phone
before he could be heard

I somehow feel forsaken
like he had closed the door
I guess I just stopped needing him
as much as once before

but maybe he's still with me
the latch was left unhooked
he's waiting in the wind and rain
I simply haven't looked

(Tom Marshall)

It's about your cat.... Poster Nutbag??

Dear ****

We have been regular shoppers of the local store in Dayton, Nevada. We have been very pleased with the pricing, selection, and location of this store, and we stop by for shopping at least a few times a week.

We would like to bring to your attention an incident that we are very concerned about. On July 15, 2005 at about noon, my wife, Victoria, went to the pharmacy section of the store and spoke to the head pharmacist, *** **** about treating our pet cat for pain he was suffering from after a fight with another cat. In front of other employees there, Ms. **** advised that Tylenol should be used for cats, and that aspirin should be used for dogs. Victoria followed her professional advice and gave the cat a small dose of Tylenol to the cat, and then was informed by our veterinarian that this was a poison that could potentially kill him.

Dr. Haig at Carson Valley Animal Hospital is now treating our cat, and treatment costs are expected to be in the range of (more money than I care to mention now) . He suggested that we should present this bill to the pharmacy, and also file a complaint to the pharmaceutical board in Reno, Nevada.

Please contact us at your earliest convenience so that we can discuss this matter further.

I was riding down the road one day

... 

Double twist when you hit

the air 

"Reach out your hand, if your cup be empty"

If your cup is full may it be again.. 

"All the years combine, they melt into a dream"

I met Victoria in a couple group settings a little over 9 years ago, but it was on July 7, 1996 – nine years ago today that I first took a trip with her to the little apple pie town of Julian, about an hour from the outskirts of San Diego – and I would call this our first date and the beginning of our relationship. She had ran a personal ad in the San Diego Reader mentioning the books Steppenwolf (which I had related to when reading in college), and Frankenstein (which I had not read yet) – but the idea that a female in San Diego was actually mentioning a book at all to me in the personal ads I found to be very impressive. Looking back on it now, she was taking a chance on trusting someone she did not know to take her to a somewhat distant place, and her room mate Marlene later scolded her for that, but maybe her instincts told her I was pretty benign. I brought my guitar and sang to her for the first time in an area in the forest, which would have gone over better if the flies had not descended upon us both. On the way back we stopped at my office for some Tarot cards, and I picked one out for her at my home, and it happened to involved the “Hermit” card. This prompted her to want to hold me, and although that did not mean actually having sex, there was something about her that I knew was different than anyone I had been involved with before. I just felt completely at home with her – the more that I got to know her. Within the first couple months of dating her I was already talking about marrying her, which was a little soon for her, given her divorce, but I finally decided the best way to “reel her in” was to get her pregnant (okay – I didn’t really decide that, but it sounds good anyway). The reality is I am glad I did get her pregnant two years later, because that led to us finally getting married (I had been asking for years, but that seemed to finally seal it).

I am not going to say our 9 years have been easy. Victoria and I are very different in everything from culture to lifestyle, and there have been many clashes at times. In some ways we are the “Odd Couple”. There have been times when it appeared to be the end for certain. Somehow or another though, we have seen it through, with the help of a few marriage counselors along the way, and I know this relationship has been the most positive force in my life. With her I have seen myself move from a beat up little shack in San Diego, to owning my own modest house here in Nevada (even if it does resemble that bedroom shack at times). With her I have come out of living my own hermit life, to having my own small family and really feeling like I have a “home” to come home to, for the first time in my life.

Looking back on it now, I really feel like the day she entered my life, was the day my prayers were answered and I am very grateful to have her in my life, along with our own little family. The happiest years of my life have been with her.

Without the hat 

A Charger fan in a Steelers hat 

Laughing by the slide 

Virginia Highlands Parks 

They love

each other 

Lord, you can see

that it's true 

Golden Flower 

Ready for lunch 

Ready for popcorn 

Higher power

Victoria had attended some meetings of Adult Children of Alcoholics, so I decided to check out the same group on Thursday night. One of the guys in the group is a young man who apparently likes her - and when I told them that I was her husband - he blurted out in shock - "YOU ARE VICTORIA'S HUSBAND???" I guess she never told him she wasn't married to a man of similar skin color.

But anyways, I like the idea of the group and I could see myself going back. You don't have to have been in an alcoholic family to go back, although with my father's absolute need to have alcohol when he is around us suggests there may be a dependence there - but fitting the bill of the dysfunctional family's effects, I seemed to fit right in.

My perception is that I have never had enough love in my life and was not worthy of it. The last song of Quadrophenia "Love Reign O'er Me" is one that I completely relate to and I imagine it strikes a chord with a lot of people. If you expect that one person can be the one to provide you with this missing force - you put a ton of pressure on them, and then you come across as needy and it can be a very disruptive force on a relationship or marriage, and that has often been my problem. So - my "higher power" has to be a female (goddess), not a male - in the Pagan/Wiccan tradition that my wife has been gravitating toward (it is just a little too ritualistic for me personally, but ideas like "harm none" seem to go well with me. The Christian religion where people are prone to fuck themselves over left and right, and then run back to Jesus to have him forgive them so that they can in turn go back and continue to fuck themselves over time and time again could learn a lot from those two very simple words, but I digress..). So with that in mind I am now using this goddess ritual to fulfill my un-ending need for love. This feeling has dominated my life, was responsible for my very empty and dis-satisfied adolescence when I could not relate to or have the courage to be involved with females - which in turn led up to my full blown depression when I went to college. I don't buy that chemical imbalance bullshit - sure we are chemicals, but it seems like a very convenient scapegoat to me. When your spirit is full and you feel loved, depression has no place in your life. That is what I am going to work toward - so that I can be a better person, and have a better relationship with my family at home.