Higher power
Victoria had attended some meetings of Adult Children of Alcoholics, so I decided to check out the same group on Thursday night. One of the guys in the group is a young man who apparently likes her - and when I told them that I was her husband - he blurted out in shock - "YOU ARE VICTORIA'S HUSBAND???" I guess she never told him she wasn't married to a man of similar skin color.
But anyways, I like the idea of the group and I could see myself going back. You don't have to have been in an alcoholic family to go back, although with my father's absolute need to have alcohol when he is around us suggests there may be a dependence there - but fitting the bill of the dysfunctional family's effects, I seemed to fit right in.
My perception is that I have never had enough love in my life and was not worthy of it. The last song of Quadrophenia "Love Reign O'er Me" is one that I completely relate to and I imagine it strikes a chord with a lot of people. If you expect that one person can be the one to provide you with this missing force - you put a ton of pressure on them, and then you come across as needy and it can be a very disruptive force on a relationship or marriage, and that has often been my problem. So - my "higher power" has to be a female (goddess), not a male - in the Pagan/Wiccan tradition that my wife has been gravitating toward (it is just a little too ritualistic for me personally, but ideas like "harm none" seem to go well with me. The Christian religion where people are prone to fuck themselves over left and right, and then run back to Jesus to have him forgive them so that they can in turn go back and continue to fuck themselves over time and time again could learn a lot from those two very simple words, but I digress..). So with that in mind I am now using this goddess ritual to fulfill my un-ending need for love. This feeling has dominated my life, was responsible for my very empty and dis-satisfied adolescence when I could not relate to or have the courage to be involved with females - which in turn led up to my full blown depression when I went to college. I don't buy that chemical imbalance bullshit - sure we are chemicals, but it seems like a very convenient scapegoat to me. When your spirit is full and you feel loved, depression has no place in your life. That is what I am going to work toward - so that I can be a better person, and have a better relationship with my family at home.
But anyways, I like the idea of the group and I could see myself going back. You don't have to have been in an alcoholic family to go back, although with my father's absolute need to have alcohol when he is around us suggests there may be a dependence there - but fitting the bill of the dysfunctional family's effects, I seemed to fit right in.
My perception is that I have never had enough love in my life and was not worthy of it. The last song of Quadrophenia "Love Reign O'er Me" is one that I completely relate to and I imagine it strikes a chord with a lot of people. If you expect that one person can be the one to provide you with this missing force - you put a ton of pressure on them, and then you come across as needy and it can be a very disruptive force on a relationship or marriage, and that has often been my problem. So - my "higher power" has to be a female (goddess), not a male - in the Pagan/Wiccan tradition that my wife has been gravitating toward (it is just a little too ritualistic for me personally, but ideas like "harm none" seem to go well with me. The Christian religion where people are prone to fuck themselves over left and right, and then run back to Jesus to have him forgive them so that they can in turn go back and continue to fuck themselves over time and time again could learn a lot from those two very simple words, but I digress..). So with that in mind I am now using this goddess ritual to fulfill my un-ending need for love. This feeling has dominated my life, was responsible for my very empty and dis-satisfied adolescence when I could not relate to or have the courage to be involved with females - which in turn led up to my full blown depression when I went to college. I don't buy that chemical imbalance bullshit - sure we are chemicals, but it seems like a very convenient scapegoat to me. When your spirit is full and you feel loved, depression has no place in your life. That is what I am going to work toward - so that I can be a better person, and have a better relationship with my family at home.
posted by Zook at 5:40 AM
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