Letter to my wife

To my beloved wife:

I just want to thank you for being there for me when I really needed you. I know my needs and wounds are often a tall order for you, and can be overwhelming at times. I know you cannot be there for me all of the time, but somehow you seem to be there when I really am hurting, and when I really need you and you have no idea how much of a healing miracle that can be for me.

The other night when you got sick, I believe what happened was as can be the custom of a medicine woman, you took on my sickness and lived it out in the form of a physical sickness. I can’t tell you I am completely healed of everything, but I do believe that particular sickness is now gone for good. It has not been the first time that some kind of addictive, dark force has taken over me that you have been there to cure. I don’t believe in the “devil” literally as a being, but I do believe there are tempting forces out there that promise they can heal you with a temporary pleasure, that in turn ultimately only leads to more pain. Contrast that with your love, which to me is a pure, healing, amazing force that I stand in awe of. Don’t tell me it is just because I am your husband that I see this, I can’t believe every husband feels about this. There is an amazing healing power to you, that I have witnessed first hand. You are a one in million woman, and I think it is nothing but a miracle that I have not only found you, but been able to hold onto you in spite of all the dark times and trials we have been through together.

I love you like I can never love another woman, and I love the beautiful child we have made together.

Thank you so much for being such a great force in my life.


Love – David

Possible song lyrics

I could never ever be the boy you wanted me to be
I can still hear the sound of your screams
Ringing in my head
And I can't - turn them off
Turn down the volume let me be

Some times voices take hold of me
Tell me I don't deserve to be alive
That I'm not worthy of sweet love
Love I've always been longing for
It was always so far out of reach

I came to you helpless and thirsty
Toxic potions I received
But I kept on coming back for more
Every time I thought maybe it would change
Charlie Brown on his back, each time the same

I am walking, hunched over and weak
Humiliated, head down so ashamed
Take the scraps that life feeds me
Somehow I have mis-behaved
Numb and dead, my punishment waits

I have always been so guilty, anticipating my doomed fate
Locked in the corner, nowhere to escape
Get it over, I dont' want to wait
I must deserve it, your un-ending hate
I cannot change it, it's too late

To this day, I still can't be - the man you've wanted me to be
The one that you can boast of, as your extension
And like you I can't ever escape
This ever oppressive - apprehension
Is it worth the time it takes to mention
Will we ever learn our lesson

Meow 

Meow! 

Meow 

Sara's portrait of her father

Check out those massive lips! 

Love and fear

We saw our therapist (Suzy) yesterday and it had been almost two months. She keeps on preaching the two choices of love and fear, again out of Mastery of Love. In love you allow people to be who they are and do not try to control them. You accept them and work on yourself, not the other person. In fear, you are constantly trying in vain to change and control another person, which ultimately only suffocates that person and dooms a relationship. You can only really love and accept another, if you first know how to love and accept yourself. I am working on it, but it is going against a whole bunch of programmed emotions that send me to "the dark side". I think the song I just posted here is one of my many attempts at positive re-inforcement and acceptance.

I read to Suzy the letter I had sent to my parents. Her only real criticism of it was that I was shutting the door, and she did not think I should do that. Instead, she said that I should present the choice to my parents of entering a relationship with us based on mutual respect and love. Once any dis-respectful or negative comments are made, than any interaction at the moment has to end (hang up the phone, walk away from dinner, etc.) . Victoria was able to admit that her angry feelings about receiving correspondence/gifts in the mail from them directed to Sara were more out of her wounded pride and ego, than what is in fact the best for Sara - so even though she already sent back one of her cards in the mail to them, we have gone ahead with Sara's wishes to send out a thank you note to them for the fish bracelet they sent out. I am still kind of overwhelmed by all of this, but I am going to try to abide by what Suzy suggests - she has done wonders for my relationship with my wife already, so I am going to try this out, even though every raw emotion of mine wants to go in the other direction.

In case you are wondering what happened to all of my previous writings here, I deleted all of them. I saved them onto a disc, but I am trying to go in a different direction here now - not quite be so naked with my emotions here, and keep my "garbage" in my own trash can.

All ready for summer camp today - I can't wait! 

Nothing left to do but smile, smile smile 

Dust off those rusty strings just one more time

gonna make them shine 

I can only be who I am

Happy Father's Day

from the Zooknone mental institution 

We can share the chicken...

we can share the wine 

House trim has gone from peach to white 

A trace of a smile! 

Sara and Asa (she has a little crush on him) 

Sara and her teacher 

Very happy to have graduated Kindergarden 

Sara gets her diploma 

I can only be who I am

I can’t be anyone else
Can only experience my pleasures
Can only suffer through my hells

Sometimes I long in envy
To have all that you do
But no matter how much I want to
I just cannot ever be you

To be what I am
With all my character flaws
My fears and my sorrows
When my destiny calls
The soft flabby middle
This wrinkled old face
That sees the infinite
From just one place
Imprisoned limitations
But this shining light
Can burst through them all
From the darkest night
As much as I wonder
Can there be more than this
My life is accepted
Just the way that it is

The Gods have chosen all of our souls
Allowing our lives to be
And in my unique existence
I’m perfecting this version of me

I can only have what I have
I can give my love to my wife
I can pause to appreciate
The sacred gift that is my life