Snake in a room

Almost looks like a gal named Kierra in the lower pics, but it isn't

Don't Panic

I didn't coin the phrase, but I used it for the words to this song - yesterday I got all worked up about the Internet not working after covering 350 miles on the road, and the more worked up I got - the worse it got - headache, nausea, anger - and after hours on the phone, it did not help. Then today I woke up and it had fixed itself. All that useless wasted energy - but at least I got a song out of it. Most of these phrases have been said before, but for me anyway - something I need to hear over and over so it sinks in. Another link here to My Space if you want to hear and see it -(should be available by Saturday March 24) and the "ghost" is hiding a little bit better this time....

Don't - don't panic - first words of the Hitch hiker's Guide---- (to the Galaxy anyways)
I know - you're feeling stuck now, but you'll make it to the other side
I know your head is pounding, exhaustion - nausea setting in
But you've got to let it go now, let it die so it can be reborn and begin
Just a stand back one step
Try to take a deep breath
Give it up now, and lay your head down
You're going to be all right
You're going to get through the fight (make it through the night)

Don't beat yourself up, bang your head against the wall
Give yourself a break now, deep down you know that it's not your fault
I know you're out to hurt yourself, you blame yourself time after time
Back off that hanging judge part, you haven't committed a crime
It's a hole you have dug
Just fill it up with your love
The parole board has just arrived
You're going to be all right...

It's time to take a rest now, you've been going at it all day long
Time to unwind now, sing yourself a loving song
Listen and feel the love now, the love pouring into the air
You take your life so seriously, it's time now to not have a care
Love is the drug
So step into a hug
And a kiss coming down from the sky
You're going to be all right...

What have they done to the earth..

What have they done to the earth?
What have they done to our fair sister?
Ravaged and plundered and ripped her and bit her
Stuck her with knives in the side of the dawn
And tied her with fences and dragged her down
I hear a very gentle sound
With your ear down to the ground
We want the world and we want it...

NOW


What does that song lyric have to do with what I am about to write? This is not particularly a purely environmental post, but at the same time, what has happened to the environment is a reflection and symptom of this topic anyways.

I don't always think I am going to have anything to say for the week. This week was certainly heading in that direction, and then I was having a discussion with a fellow member of my gym who is a teacher here at the nearby elementary school. I think we were heading in the direction of the topic of karma - and when it comes down to it - I do believe in karma. But I don't necessarily believe that if something happens in your life it means that you are being punished and it deserved to happen to you. Does anyone deserve to get hurt? Does a child deserve to be beaten, have his or her legs blown off in an explosion, get molested, screamed at - does an innocent child deserve any of these things to happen? I don't think so. Does a woman deserve to be raped or beaten? The answer is no there too. Yet - these things happen all the time. I was asked if I deserved the screaming I endured in my childhood, the same screaming which left a life long scar upon my confidence, and in my mind was the direct result of me wanting me to end my life at the age of 20 - mainly because I felt like I did not have the confidence to have a job and support myself. Don't tell me it was just a chemical imbalance - because quite frankly that is a crock of shit. Did I deserve that? No - even if I was a high maintenance pain in the ass child, I didn't deserve it. But it still happened anyways.

What I am getting at here is these things happen to us, not because we deserve them, but they are a reflection of the world we live in - and then it is our life long task, journey, mission - to recover, heal, move on so that maybe the next generation does not have to suffer what we went through in our lives. It is far easier said than done. Any one traumatic event in our lives can be traced back to generations upon generations of traumatic events. The Holocaust did not happen to me or affect me directly, but as a next or 2nd generation Jew who had relatives die there and had the event affect the psyche of those who raised me, it most certainly did shape and affect my life anyways. My parents clearly went through hell when they grew up, in their own way, and unfortunately, a lot of that hell got passed down to their children despite our material comfort surroundings. Just take a look at us - ALL of us in our family - which one of us has not been through some horrific depression or event which has threatened our very existence, and left scars of neurosis, anxiety, and sadness buried in our psyche. The very dysfunctional aspect of how we communicate (or fail to) and interact with each other is a reflection of that.

In my discussion with this lady at the gym, I told her that I didn't deserve to go through what I went through as a child, just like she did not deserve the treatment she received as a child or even by her first abusive husband either. I told her I see humanity as a sum total of all human beings combined as one very sick organism, and our sickness will go in one of two directions - we will either figure out individually and collectively a way that we can heal ourselves, or we will simply self-destruct and go the direction of the dinosaurs as a species. I would like to think option number two will be the answer, but I clearly don't know.

Getting back to the song lyrics here, our world around us is a reflection of our sickness - the destruction of our planet, the global warming, pollution, assault upon our environment, assault upon each other, persecution of fellow human beings, ethnic cleansing - these things would not happen in a healthy species or group of animals - but they happen to us - and they are the result of our collective sickness. September 11 - did not deserve to happen to us either - and none of the victims deserved to lose their lives, or the lives of a loved one or family member. After it happened, I felt sickened for a couple days. Everyone seemed to unite in sadness and grief, and it seemed to even bring people closer together. But not long after, we run off to cause more grief and destruction in a futile attempt to bring justice to those that made it happen, and just end up causing the death or injury of hundreds of thousands of more people - just like in that movie "Boyz in the Hood" where the murder of one gang member just prompts an endless cycle of revenge and violence. Now people out there who are dying are motivated to take revenge upon us it just goes on and on. The world around us - the world of war, polluted air, global warming, assaulted earth - conquering of environment - continued elimination of species - if that does not point to a collective sickness of humanity, what does?

On an individual level, I see it as my task as one of the billions of humans who makes up this sick organism - to heal the wounds of my psyche, and bring the demons of my unconsciousness to the surface of the ocean, so to speak - so that as one cell in the organism of humanity, I can be a healed cell. People who are aware, even if there is only a handful of them out there - do not hurt themselves or others, and have the awareness to look inside and face their own demons instead of projecting them onto others, and then persecuting innocent beings, which is the cause of racism and ethnic cleansing. A healed person will not cause more anguish to others. So - it is my life long task to go within, find the cure to my own illness - face the hurt and anguish - and in my mind, that is my definition of karma - or my personal karma. It does not mean that I deserved to have suffered the hurt in my life, it just means that because the hurt has inevitably happened to me and just about everyone, that it is my task to face it, own it, make it mine, and then make every effort to bring love to the surface and to others around me, so that I can create an atmosphere of love to counteract a world of hatred around us. That is my life mission - and I am not going to say it is an easy one - but I will pat myself on the back here - I have made progress. I have had psychoanalysis, I have written songs, meditated through musical expression, I write here - and comparing myself to the suicidal 20 year old boy I once was, I have come a long way. And yet - the challenge never lets up - dealing with marriage, raising a child, still facing on and off depression from time to time - it is not ever a battle which will be entirely won.

When I became aware of the massive scope of the extent of damage that really existed within me, my reaction was to run - a natural reaction to run when facing something that overwhelming. That is why taking my own life seemed like such a natural desire to me at the time, because I wanted to run. We all want to run away from our burdens - and I know my wife experiences this at times when facing her own task at hand as a parent and recovering victim of abuse. But where are we going to run to? If karma does hold true, than we are here to face our pain. If we end our lives, does it just mean we start over again somewhere else, facing the same pain in another life? If in this life we move somewhere else, get away from our situation of torment - well if it is part of us and we created it, won't it just follow us wherever we go - you know - the old wherever you go there you are? If I end my marriage for example, in an effort to find a better relationship, well - if I was responsbile for bringing my wife into my life to begin with, won't I just bring someone else identical to her around with my next try? If I made it happen once, I will make it happen again. Ram Dass talks about "karmic responsibility" in one of his books I am reading - and in my mind, that means facing up to the situation that our own psyche creates.

I don't have an answer for everyone who suffers the traumas that so many of us do. I know I have been fortunate and even a little lucky to live the life I do, and to have the means to live in a decent home with food, running water and electricity. I don't have to work two jobs, even though the one I have can be demanding. I have come back from an impossible state of depression and how the recovery happened in a lot of ways is a miracle - but somehow it did - and now I just hope I can be of some help to others along the way who have gone through the same thing. I did not choose a path of being a therapist - because that was too much for me - but in a job where I do have contact with others on a daily basis, I try to be as present as I can when that is required of me, and I try to create a loving environment for those who are going through a time of trouble. It does not mean I am healed - my wife can read out a long list of neurotic and even self-destructive behaviors that I still have - but I feel like I am making my way through it and I know for a fact I am more conscious and more aware of who I am than I was 20 years ago. 20 years from now - if I make it that far - who knows - maybe I am just starting to scratch the surface. Clearly there is more than can be said here, but I guess I can save it for another time.

Till i let go of a broken heart
I let go to an open heart
I let go of my broken dreams
I let go to the mystery
And i believe in the miracle
I believe in the spiritual
I believe in the one above
I believe in the one i love

I Know I'm Not Alone

Picking up from my experience of the Michael Franti show at Lake Tahoe, I can now add another more accessible experience to the documentary he made called I Know I'm Not Alone which I just watched yesterday, courtesy of the Carson City, Nevada Library - which I continue to be very impressed with for even having something like this available. It is one of those movies that you cannot watch without it having an effect. He went out to Iraq and Palestine, and if my memory of the timing is correct, this was not far from the time kidnappings were taking place that resulted in heads being removed - so even if his motive was to make a commercial movie, you have to admire an artist who is willing to risk his life to do what he is doing, and a lot of the last recording of his "Yellfire" is the back drop for his footage - which kind of explains lines like "90 degrees at 6 in the morning".

If there is any way to watch this movie, watch it - even if you aren't a fan of his music. There are disturbing portions - watching young kids in Baghdad in a hospital with portions of their legs either removed or about to be removed, and watching a young girl recite a poem about love and her fear of dying in a war - makes you realize these are real people out there who are experiencing a hellish existence - in part because of a war we are spending billions of dollars on without any real clear objective or purpose in being there. I don't think the movie is an effort to necessarily bash the United States or even Israel for the conditions in Baghdad and Israel in occupied zones there, as much as to show what people are going through out there.

Moving over toward Israel, I have been limited somewhat to media coverage of the conflict there, and I was not aware that a massive wall is in existence and still being built - mainly in an effort to protect Israelis from the Palestinian suicide bombings. He goes into Israel to get the point of view of some who believe that wall is necessary to prevent additional bombings, but he also shows the suffering of those on the other side of the wall, who live in third world conditions and have their homes and lands demolished by the Israeli Army. The association I have with this wall is the building of the wall surrounding the Warsaw Ghetto by the Nazis during the holocaust and I can't help draw a connection. I know there is a difference - in that Jewish people were not blowing themselves up in Germany, but still - the Nazis saw them as a threat in their own way - enough to go to the trouble of killing millions of them, and regardless of a perceived threat - it is kind of hard to understand how such a divisive wall of any kind can lead to anything positive, especially when you have one side living in western affluence, and the other living in third world poverty. Whatever the reason for it, it is just pretty sad and disturbing to see it in place.

I know a lot of the focus on the "War on Terror" is the notion that we, as the good Christians of America that most of us are, appear to have the answer and all of these crazy people from another religion are trying to take away what we have because they "hate freedom" - but if you focus on the economic aspect of it, the fact that we live pretty affluently in comfort while billions of others live in horrible conditions, in part as a direct result of what we do have - well - then something at some point has to give - and it was a matter of time that we were attacked, just like it is most likely a matter of time that we will be again. Just think about the hundreds of billions of dollars we are spending in a war that is just adding and contributing to the suffering of hundreds of thousands of people, and you can't help but wonder what the effect would be if that same amount of money went into feeding those in poverty and creating a world where the extreme conditions of poverty would not create a situation of desperation where a suicide bomber has nothing else to look forward to anyways. If I was one of the powerful, that is how I would be fighting the "War on Terror" but apparently those in charge seem to know better than I do.

Anyways - if you get a chance to watch this movie - watch it.

This was my big secret...

how I'd get ahead
and never have to worry
I'd call him instead

from "Story of the Ghost"

I now have definite proof that ghosts exist and that they have come close to me. Okay - maybe not "definite" but more subjective proof. Either that or maybe I am delusional and completely misguided - I guess that can't be ruled out either.

I would have to refer you to the post below this one and direct you to the video of my newest song on My Space and I know it is a pretty cheesy way to get you to watch me sing if you had not already done so to begin with, but I need an audience any way I can get it. It took me a while to find the exact position to set up the camera, but if you look at it, you can see the reflection of the window in my glasses. I placed it on top of the loading paper tray of my printer/fax machine - the same place you would put a fax to send to someone, and this would be away from the window. So I am sure a camera expert is going to come up with a completely scientific and technical explanation of what I am about to describe, but what fun is that.

Look to the left if you are facing the screen at what is actually my right elbow and throughout the song you can see a little ghostly ball of white light that almost appears to be dancing with my arm. I look in the direction 3 times - completely unplanned - as I thought someone was coming into the room and was somewhat startled when I did that. Also notice that the lyrics to the song have somewhat ghostly spiritual type of references to an invisible woman beside me, spirits of my ancestors, and needing a little light (also a Dead tune - Just a Little Light - not a huge surprise that they are an influence of my song writing) - and it all adds up - this is the perfect excuse for a friendly ghost to appear in a 4 1/2 minute video and do a little dance with my elbow.

Yes - I know there has to be a technical explanation - the light quantities are reflected off my glasses and pinpoint on the middle left side of the screen due to the exact angle of the sun and the angle of the camera - and maybe so - but then again - whose to say? Even if there is a technical explanation, does that rule out the ghost? There is a Michael Franti lyric that says "nobody right, nobody wrong". Maybe that technical explanation is a perfect excuse for that ghost to hang out.

Some people don't believe in ghosts and spirits. Personally I do. Up until now, I have never experienced the possibility that a ghost was in the room with me. Once when I was singing with my eyes closed I had a sense that a shadow was passing by me - it was faint, and clearly no proof of anything. My wife on the other hand has had a lot more persuasive and direct experiences with them, and she also has a great love for science. She watched this video and in her mind there is no doubt that is in fact what it is. Maybe others are more skeptical. I am not sure what to believe myself, but even the possibility that it was a ghost - captured live on the internet for all to see - is a little frightening. Victoria has heard the voice of a child in this house, seen a woman in closet disappear in our house in San Diego.

I know some will say - hallucinations, delusions, schizophrenia. I don't think it is that simple. I think that our mind has a gateway into the other unseen worlds, and all of our logic and science has taken us away from that. Then there are some that come closer to that world, and maybe don't function so well in this one. Those that know how to cash it in might have a future in the psychic realm, but many do not do so well in this world of production and material. In Native American societies someone with what we call schizophrenia was seen as respected as one with a link to the spirits. In present times, we throw medication on them and call them sick and dysfunctional.

So anyways - come to your own decision - and feel free to let me know what side you vote for. The jury is out for me at this time.

Singing on My Space

For a while I was known to sing here and post, by calling on the phone and holding the guitar up to my face while the phone was pressed against my shoulder - not too comfortable - though I guess I had a fan who happened to enjoy hearing them. Now they don't have the same program and I was too lazy to figure it out, but I have a new camera for work which has a lot more memory, so I can actually sing and record an entire song - so despite someone here at home laughing at me doing this, I can now post a whole song and the acoustics are much better than the phone - even though I don't exactly provide great scenery. So courtesy of My Space - here it is and I am posting the words here - I find them to be self-inspiring - which has lately become the sole purpose of my song writing. I have expressed a lot of these ideas before, but just a new way of approaching it. This time around I heard the tune in my head first before I ever even thought of the words, the chords came next, the words were last - with the chorus written first, and then the remaining verses that were last to come out. It seems to work for me anyways. These are the words - right now I call it "Behind Me" (click on the the song title to get to the visual)

I know a brutal storm came through, but it's behind me
I've tried and failed to search for my soul, but it will find me
I've tried for years to capture my love, she's now inside me
I know you cannot see her face, but she's beside me

All I've ever needed is love sweet love
It's love that I'd never known
Fleeting and elusive as the holy Grail
But I found it in the dark ocean depths of my soul
I may be stumbling, lost and confused
Blindfolded as I reach out for the answer today
But the God, the Goddess, spirits of my ancestors
I believe they are lighting my way
I can't do it alone, but I don't have to
Tune into the music of my heart
Love is the question and love is the answer
It's the end middle and the start
But I know I can get there with a little help
Climb some steep cold mountains on the way
The struggle, exhaustion, frustration, despair
They are all in the past today

You know I know better than to freak out and panic
But I still do from time to time
Sometimes the strength of my fears is stronger than that of my faith
I still fall off that wagon sometimes
But once those fears try to rip up my faith
They will pass and my faith's going to win
But the cycle repeats, once again I'll be tested
Maybe some day it won't happen again
The darkness consumes, but the darkness passes,
All I need's just a little light
But even when those demons sabotage my head
I still know I'm going to get through that night
So here I am just a strumming away
Been to hell and back but I've survived
And even now as I stand here naked
I'm just grateful to be singing and alive