Any day now, any day now...

My computer will arrive - although that coincidentally is the verse to my all time favorite Bob Dylan song I Shall Be Released for those of you who are unfortunate enough not to know this amazing song. So January usually is a test to see what I am made of and this one has not let me down. It goes back to being an insurance adjuster many years ago during a terrible windstorm and being overwhelmed - the next year I filled in for a guy and had a ton of work dumped on me including all autos and houses, for the month, year before last year it was snowload claims, flood claims last January. One of the Januaries mentioned above was the toughest month my marriage ever endured, on top of that. This January - it has been transition for a new job, feeling out of it, displaced, and waiting every day for over 3 weeks now for that ever elusive computer. Victoria's Dad just passed on as of Saturday, so to add to all of the stress of a new job, I was in charge of Sara for 8 days for the first time in my history as a Dad, and Victoria was badly missed by most of us. Seasonal depression can be hard to begin with, but a missing wife, and the stress of a new job with no equipment to do it - well - I know I am just getting out my violins here - obviously it has been hard for everyone in my household - but suffice it to say - I can't wait for February since I have to turn the corner at some point, don't I? Victoria arrives back today, and God only knows maybe my computer will show up too - any day now - any day now.

Upon news of Victoria's trip - planned a quick day in advance of her flying and I became aware of it last Tuesday night - I had my at least once a year anxiety ridden insomnia melt down - but once I got through that, seemed to adjust to a drastic change well enough. The melt down was inspired by everything - money worries, job worries - how I would break it to them that my time would be limited as a Mr. Mom - but fortunately the boss has been understanding - I haven't been canned yet anyways.

Thanks to Mom and Dad for saying they missed my writings - I know my writings aren't always exactly what you want to be reading - but I appreciate you sticking with it anyways. I speak my mind here and am obviously going to push a few buttons on the way, but that is what straightforward emotional journalism is about. Thanks to Vicki for telling me what I write here inspires her - that is quite a compliment too.

My little doggie ( I should be happy - she is only crapping in the house now - much easier to clean up than piss) awaits me in the car - so I now exit the scenic South Lake Tahoe library to get on with my day, grab my wife from Reno Tahoe Airport where she will be very happily received back by her family, despite her locational preference to be living where she just flew out from.

May seem like a million miles away

but it gets a little closer every day - line from a song by the Police about One World is Enough - whatever - no time to link it as I have 25 minutes left and only have e-access via library these days. It figures that after 18 years with one company the transition to another would not exactly be smooth. 2 weeks without a computer now and you don't realize how dependent you are on these things from everything from checking e-mail to your bank account, and even posting here. 24 minutes...so will be quick. So far the people I work with have been great, but not having a computer is definitely a karmic challenge. I am going around to my numerous freeze break appointments with a real life pen and paper which is definitely strange. Have fronted a bunch of expenses as well and will be re-imbursed. Late on my last paycheck and with a one week delay here, it is a little stressful financially. I just want to fast forward one month when I have my computer, no what the hell I am doing, and feel somewhat established - but it will come. All I got for now - will be back to my full blown novels when I get my new computer - whenever that is....

I'm free

And freedom tastes of reality

This is it - the last day of a 17 and 1/2 year run with my company. I don't need to say who they are - those of you who know me know quite well who they are. This company gave me an opportunity to get a foot in the door with a company at a time in my life - July of 1989 - when I was desperate for a job and quite ready to toss in the towel and maybe even be forced to move back home with my parents if I did not land one quickly. With this company I was able to remain in San Diego, support myself which in itself led me to the romantic relationships that started shortly after landing the job. I was told when I first walked in the door that I looked terribly frightened and shy - which is an essential aspect of who I am - but in being forced to get on the phone and talk to people, I gradually became more outgoing and confident to a certain degree. The job gave me the ability to see my countless Grateful Dead concerts - over 100 of them happened when I worked there. I also got perks like tickets to the Padres and Chargers which made me a sports fan all over again at a time when I had drifted away from sports - and as being a sports fan is such an essential aspect of being part of a huge phenomenon in this country, I think that also paved the way for more friends and relationships. Finally, this company was willing to invest in moving me out to Northern Nevada in April of 2001, which turned out to be perfect timing in us landing our first and only home we have ever owned, and when I see the moon coming over the mountains or the rays of sunshine bursting through in the morning, some times I can't believe I live in such an incredible natural setting for a home. Driving around Northern Nevada has also been very insping and uplifting, and a paid for tour of the Sierras and some incredible landscapes is not something anyone could really complain about.

So - I may have dwelled on some of the negative aspects of my job lately, but I do want to make it clear - it has not all been bad. Unfortunately though, it has become very clear to me over the last 2 years especially that this was not going to be the company I retired with, a dream that I may have had initially. I like stability and consistency - maybe that is part of my "Virgo" personality. Yet - knowing now that there is life outside of where I work, that there is more of an economic benefit to going elsewhere, and maybe even more of an emotional one on top of that, I am now testing the waters in where my latest fate and karma has now brought me. No guarantees I know and when I hear the words meet the new boss same as the old boss it serves as a kind of friendly warning to me that I can't expect a new setting is going to be the answer to all of my problems. At the same time - all the signs are right this time that lead me to believe that this is very promising. I had a great feeling from my manager who interviewed me - it was the most relaxed job interview I have ever had - and he did a great job of putting me at ease and acting like it was a one on one chat instead of a condescending interview. Another guy who works in my field, formerly with another company similar to mine, now works there and took the time to welcome me aboard with a phone message, and he is also someone I like and respect. So - although I am expecting to dig my heels into the trenches and put in the work and effort that got me through almost 18 years with what may be the most demanding company in the industry, I also know that it is going to be a better situation, just like my original job was a cut above working at JC Penney, my first employer out of college.

So today - waking up and knowing that this is in fact the last day, a day when I merely head down to the street and go through a few explanations with the guy who for the time being is replacing me - well - I have to admit - it is a pretty good feeling. I have been counting down the days of my last month here ever since the beginning of December, and now the day is finally here!

Well - on a technical note - after day for those countless people out there righting to me, my computer access is going to be hit and miss - so - I may not get anything you send me right away as of today.

If you wanna get thru the years
It's high time you played your card
If you live in this world
You're feelin' the change of the guard