It's even worse than it appears

I know the rent is in arrears
The dog has not been fed in years
It's even worse than it appears
but it's all right

Every week I decide to do this the first task is to pick out a topic and then find the right song lyric to start it out. So this week I get a 1 on a scale of 1 to 10 for originality in going with the lamest, most topical subject out there - that being the year in review. I am not going to go chronological and cover everything month by month, more go with the individual subjects at hand and even throw in more song lyrics to cover each one as a mini topic. Some, if not most of this, may be somewhat repetitive - as chances are I have already addressed each subject, so consider this the year end summary of what has already been thrown out here over the last year. Seeing that this year has been somewhat challenging, Touch of Grey, the lyric for the title line, seemed like a good place to start - mainly because it was quite a challenge this year in particular, dealing with my daughter:

Sara, Sara,Whatever made you want to change your mind?
Sara, Sara,So easy to look at, so hard to define

I was telling Sara last night that even if Sara might not have been her first choice for a name, she got a pretty nice Bob Dylan song out of it - one that from what I know he dedicated to his wife of the time - so it was a lot better than being named Emma - as the only Emma song I know of is by Frank Zappa and called Big Leg Emma - not nearly as flattering. Going back to the posts from this summer - the 4 trips to the hospital in the middle of the night, resulting in two emergency room stays, one emergency room reject, one two night hospitalization, many more doctor's visits, and enough decibels of screaming to challenge any nearby airplane approaching a run way near you - that whole experience was up there with one of the most difficult things I have ever been through. Part of what made it frustrating is the notion that there are no actual doctors out here in Northern Nevada, as all of the real doctors have already moved to Chicago, and instead we just have a bunch of lay persons who pretend to be doctors, but do not actually have an MD or any qualifications of any kind - or at least so I am told. Yet even the pretend doctors we did see - who were for the record - much more unqualified to practice than any of their Illinois counterparts - even if they really were doctors - did get to the end of the mystery eventually - or at least apparently - in concluding that the very real symptoms appeared to be for the most part psychologically driven, as there were no actual symptoms revealed in the endoscopy test (we had to settle for the local version, since it would have been a better test in Illinois) - and although we can speculate that hanging out with a certain child friend probably did not help a lot, we still don't know absolutely for certain what happened. From the looks of it now though, it was mainly anxiety and two months of not telling Mommy what was going on, when normally Mommy is told of absolutely anything and everything under the sun that is happening. The symptoms still surface from time to time at a mainly lower level - and like an earthquake it is possible it could return again, but two things are important from my perspective. First of all - I think the mystery is somewhat solved as to what was going on. Food allergies - what she did have at one point - were also ruled out which helped as well. Number two though is that all of us got through this, at times when it seemed we were falling apart. The talks of moving to Chicago to have the real doctors take over - once again - for the 10 zillionth time - proved to be nothing but just that - talk - and it is a testament to our marriage that we are still here together when it appeared that something as upsetting as this ordeal was going to threaten it. Almost 2,000 dollars or so later I have finally paid off the last portion of this out of pocket, so it did have a definite financial as well as emotional impact upon us. But getting back to marriage now - here is the next subject:

Marriage is a two-headed transplant,
Sometimes thats how it seems.
When the sex wears off its all give and take,
And its good-bye to all your dreams.
One head wants to go to a movie
While the other wants to stay at home,
And just like a two-headed transplant
You get the feeling that youre never alone

It may not sound like the most flattering portrait of marriage, but in reality - that is about right for not only this marriage, but maybe to some degree all of them. Some of my wife's numerous pursuers who have held out hopes that they would win the prize even after she was with me have made some observations about our marriage - often describing it as a "fucked up marriage" and a "farce". My response to those descriptions would be "okay - and your point is...?" Whoever said taking two people and sticking them together was an easy process. In every relationship there is going to be inevitable conflict. Most will go through a honeymoon phase, but eventually the above described initial thrill of sex does wear off for most of us anyways, along with any possible infatuation along the way, and then you are left with two people to deal with each other on the level of human beings who see each other for what they are, warts, armpits, farts, sweat and all. Behind all of the love songs we are brainwashed in hearing in our youth that tell us our savior or messiah will arrive to complete us in the act of love, is the final realization that nobody can really do this for us and we are on our own. Once this realization occurs, we can either move on, file for divorce, have numerous secret affairs, or just face the fact that love is a need on some level that cannot be satisfied outside of us. Look at the Dalai Lama - a pretty seemingly together and happy dude who has been celibate for his entire life and doesn't seem to me to be particularly upset about that notion, and there is an example if you want one that true fulfillment comes from within, not without. So a successful marriage is one where to some degree both realize and accept that they are lonely and together at the same time, together in their loneliness, and both can be there for each other in the way that they can, with the final realization that it is not happily ever after the way we are led to believe, and that frustration and dis-satisfaction are going to be inevitable anywhere in anything long term. Even if you chase that love somewhere else, eventually you are in the "and then what" phase where you are back where you started. Now I do know of some who keep getting that rush from numerous affairs and if that is what works - go ahead and do it. All I can say about us and our "fucked up marriage" is that using a legal term I was introduced to in one of my claims courses "res ipsa loquitur" (probably spelled wrong) - meaning - it speaks for itself - what speaks for itself is we are still together. As many times as both us have wanted to leave for greener pastures - and will continue to want to - and will continue to think of the "d" word during the numerous disputes we have over some of the stupidest things you can imagine, we are still here. My daughter asked me if we were gettting a divorce last time we got into it. I assure her that we want to be there for her, but in the scheme of things - who can really say what will happen - starting from whether we will even be alive next week? I wish I could say we have come to a new realization where we just love the crap out of each other constantly, and maybe at times that will be a phase we go through - but in the end, I haven't figured it out - would be the last to say I have an answer for myself, our marriage, or anything for that matter. When things go south it is just as frustrating now as it ever was. One observation I do have is that at least from my side of it, it seems we get over it quicker, don't hold grudges as long, maybe even don't take it as personally when we do have our inevitable disputes. So maybe that is a sign of progress right there.

The offered me the office, offered me the shop
They said I'd better take anything they'd got
Do you wanna make tea at the BBC?
Do you wanna be, do you really wanna be a cop?
Career opportunities are the ones that never knock
Every job they offer you is to keep you out the dock
Career opportunity, the ones that never knock

Just about this time last year I went from my typical busy to stressful crazy mode at my job. I had been busting it all year with the assurance that I was going to have a support guy during the crazy winter time, and after hearing that all year, it turned out to be one guy coming up for a couple days, not months as initially promised. One of many morale assaults and false promises I endured during my stay at my job. A head hunter and an incredibly cheesy one ( kind of an oxymoron along with "fucked up marriage" - "cheesy headhunter") let me know of another job just when I was being bombarded with medical bills for the daughter's ordeals and had just put down 300 to pay as down payment for the endoscopy. As the story goes, I went semi-manic knowing of an opportunity that looked much better, and was strung along and hung out to dry this summer, before finding out about another one just recently that low and behold actually did pan out. It is almost mind boggling to believe that my employer since July of 1989 who has fronted my paycheck for nearly "half of my life" will be ending their reign of my life this coming Friday. Everyone I have talked to tells me the new employer has a great reputation as a place to work for (which my present employer does not) and from the outside it is hard to imagine this as anything but an amazingly positive development. Still - I have to keep my head - because there is no guarantee in anything and I do have to prove myself. The new guy I am training here now - a real nice charismatic guy who happens to live somewhat nearby - has been calling me "Flash" when he sees how fast I fly on the computer during an inspection, to the point where I have all reports, photos, diagrams, and estimates locked and ready to e-mail out when I am heading out the door - and this is something that not everyone can handle as quickly as I do. I know some say I type fast (although not as fast as many trained admin. asssitants) - but anyone who follows me - to be blunt and somewhat cocky about it - knows that I know my shit. I just do. Sure there is a flaw somewhere - I am not a construction expert by any stretch - but I can get out my product quickly and effeciently, and most people who meet me think I am a nice guy, because I try hard to give them a good experience when I come out, and even go the extra mile like I did at 4:15 Friday, feeling completely burned out, somewhat sick, and exhausted from a combination of covering an average of 200 miles a day for 4 days - even in that delirious state I made the crawlspace inspection in Sparks, Nevada - one that involved crawling head on into the dirt where every type of ominous looking spider web covered the entry way - I just did it because it was the right thing to do and I got to get a picture of a very disgusting set of mold infested floor joists along the way. They will miss me where I work because I am a model worker - I try hard, know the software, know how to put it together quickly, and I always have been and will be the go to guy. With that in mind - if I am a betting man here - I bet on myself because although I can't guarantee anything, I think the new folks did hire the right guy - the perfect guy - and it is just a matter of showing them what I already know. So I am quietly confident, although cautious at the same time, going into the new place that I am going to earn my paycheck and come into a better situation than I have been in for a long time. Comparing it to 365 days ago - it is a pleasant contrast for certain, and I would like to extend my thanks for the man and lady upstairs for their share in helping me get there.

Gone are the days we stopped to decide
Where we should go, We just ride
Gone are the broken eyes we saw through in dreams
Gone - both dream and lie

I had to pause for a second to think of an applicable line to describe my spiritual state - but in starting with the Grateful Dead, I "might as well" end with them. "I have spent my life" looking inward, and you can only see so much when you do - but I think overall I am in a pretty good state now, even with the extra weight put on during the holidays and overall crappy feeling I have inevitably in gutting through the low amount of daylight at this time of year ( a whopping 9 hours and 25 minutes). This year, and over the last couple of years, I have composed some pretty good stuff on a musical level - and even have had a compliment or two in what I write here. I am not out to make money doing this - I will leave that to others. My creativity in song writing and writing in general is designed for one thing and one thing only - to express myself in a way that makes me a better person. If it entertains or inspires another on the way - that is awesome - but money is not part of the equation and I don't want anything to corrupt the process. When I write my song, it is not to impress others or to make money - I already know how to do that with my paycheck job, which also has its creative outlets on the way. In tuning into myself the way I really have been able to ever since moving to this house, I have not only felt more spiritually connected for the most part at this phase of my life than any other, I have also written more of my own personal favorite "go to" songs at this time of my life than any I can think of. If there is one message I want to drive home to myself, brainwash myself with - it is that I am a good guy and that I do believe in myself, despite a life time of thoughts and emotions that have existed to the contrary - and still do. So this month - instead of referring to myself as a fat pig for putting on the pounds I did, instead it is that's okay - we'll knock some down after a resolution or two. When I fuck something up - as I will inevitably as any human being does - I want to assure myself that it's okay, life goes on - that I still believe in who and what I am. As a lot of our personality characteristics are here for life - I believe we learn to live with our "flaws" and work within the parameters of who we are, rather than trying to change into something we can never really ever be outside of who we really are. So I can still be described as a "fucked up" guy in a "fucked up" marriage, and I am never going to pretend to be the most together person in the world. I will still freak out over something stupid, get angry over something that does not warrant it, get into an anxiety attack over something insifnificant in the scheme of things, and go through my spells of depression and sadness - but as the very first song I listed here today says in three plane words: IT'S ALL RIGHT. I think overall I am getting more comfortable in my own skin, believing in myself to the point of grounded confidence instead of false and temporary ego inflation. I feel humble and grateful for all of the many miracles life has to offer, from my human and animal companions who share a home with me, to the "wonders of nature" in seeing an incredible sunset or moon rise over the mountains. The older I get, and the closer to death in the process - whenever that day may be - I am more grateful for the simple plain fact of being alive to experience what life does have to offer, from within my own skin and mind. I have food to eat, a place to sleep, I am not alone, and I feel the presence of a higher being. Nothing is perfect - but on some level it is perfect in its imperfection, and the notion of a perfect marriage or life - in believing what one of those things is suppposed to be - as opposed to what it actually is - that notion is what screws us up. I believe in who I am and what I am doing, and I cannot always say that was the case in my life. My task in life is to continue to do that so that I can inspire myself and maybe a person or two outside of myself along the way. And with that - about an hour and a half into the start of this writing - I now say Happy New Year and may your journey along the way be as rewarding as mine is now.

Battle Mountain

Having just gotten back from an overnight stay there, I thought some might want to be interested in this historic place. I don't usually do a post just to promote a site, but this one is pretty darn hilarious - and paints a pretty accurate picture on top of it

Battle Mountain - Armpit of America

These are the seasons of emotion

These are the seasons of emotion
and like the winds they rise and fall
This is the wonder of devotion -
I see the torch we all must hold.
This is the mystery of the quotient -
Upon us all a little rain must fall.


Led Zeppelin is often thought of as a phase American teenage boys go through, and I was no exception. It didn't always get the best reception from my family, and for whatever reason I remember my older brother lamenting about how much the "Crunge" was painful to listen to as we heard it in the car heading down Palos Verdes Drive West in the family vehicle toward home one time. It seems like if I am going to remember anything going that far back it will have to do with music. From that same album "Houses of the Holy" comes "The Rain Song" which is one of the softer more melodic tunes of theirs, until one of the loud concluding verses anyways, but the Rain Song has an amazing message to me even almost 30 years past the days I first listened to it. It also has beautiful chords and may be their best song. Unlike some of the music I liked as a teen that I pretty much phased out (AC/DC for example) I can still put on a Led Zeppelin tune now and then and appreciate it even in my middle age years.

Yesterday I breathed a sense of relief in knowing that as winter solstice is now officially upon us, the days will now start getting longer instead of shorter. I have checked to see there are now 9 hours and 23 minutes of daylight, in contrast to summer solstice when there are about 5 more hours of daylight. In this household we have a difference in preference as summer is my favorite time, while Victoria likes this time the most. It often seems to be adding insult to injury to a degree that the media Christmas assault is also this time of year, meaning I have to endure songs that talk about the "most wonderful time of the year" when it is actually the saddest for me, or endure stressed out traffic jams at their worst in store parking lots when I do not even participate in all of the Christmas shopping. I won't spend a whole post on it, but the idea that we are all supposed to dig deeper into our ever growing debt and spend our average 1,000 bucks or so on gifts is one that I personally just don't buy into, so while I say thanks to anyone who has sent us a holiday gift, the only holiday gift I will be sending is a copy of my personal CD when I have it available to do that.

When I was about 20 - as anyone who reads this on a semi-regular basis or knows me at all is aware of - I experienced some pretty extreme emotional states. Having lived the first 19 years of my life in a somewhat blah, repressed, melancholy and empty emotional state - it was quite a contrast. Once I had gone from my highest high to my lowest low, it was right around this time of year - 21 years ago, that the crash down hit its lowest points and I engaged in self-mutilating acts that could have been interpreted as just a little bit destructive or even life threatening. So - that is one association I have with this time of year. As we all know in this society, it is always necessary for us to throw a label or a box upon anything that we don't quite understand, and my extremes were classified as "bi-polar" and I was told to take a salty lithium pill that made me piss a lot, and other than that seemed to have no noticeable affects. If I was a true intensive full head-on bipolar, I would not be able to function in society without medication, but I have pretty strong feelings about medication - especially psychiatric - and try to avoid it when possible.

Certain emotions that have absolutely no positive value of any kind exist - and one of those is anxiety. If you suffer from that - and I know those that do - and fortunately I seem to get a more relatively mild dose of it than others - my suggestion is - yes - take something to calm down and do it quickly. If you can meditate it away that is fine, and for me Kava tea works well, but I just don't see anything positive about a sustained fear state unless it is a real life flee response to a life threatening danger - and for most of us that is not the case. Personally I don't think pills are the answer to everything. So when this time of year comes up, and I start to feel some pretty strong feelings of sadness, some suggest that I should get on medication to make it go away. After all - we aren't supposed to feel sadness, are we? We are just supposed to be "happy smiling faces" who go to work when we are told, buy presents we are told, be fun people to hang out with, say the right things, do the right things, and most importantly - think the right thoughts. The phrase "one dimensional" comes to mind here.

Well - my conclusion on this experience I have at this time of year, even though I will not call it my favorite time of year, is that it is necessary. It is like the ying and yang as spring and summer tends to be a very inspirational time of year, and if I can get through the two bad hay fever allergy months, and slap on some mosquito repellant and not be one of the West Nile Virus stats, it is a time when I can be outside in my yard, playing my guitar, enjoying the amazing outdoor air and sights that accompany it in the rural setting that I am FORTUNATE enough to live in, and I guess if I had my way, it would just stay that way all year. Technically that is my "manic" time of year, but unlike my experience of my adolescence, it is grounded in that I can still work, be myself, be respectful toward others and not a major overall nuisance, things I was not able to do when I thought it was cool to make a major nuisance of myself and antagonize others at that time in my life. But (too many "but"s I find in proof-reading this - although I do like big ones) the one thing I do share with the adolescent experience is that sense of spiritual connectedness, when life seems like a miracle and whatever forces of nature, spirit, and Goddess may or may not exist, do seem very real and inspirational to me and in my mind they are very moving. I often feel during those times like finally after all these years of suffering I am starting to get it, that happiness can be a very real state and that the world of the spirit can be lived in without a major price tag (of substances or altered states where one "can't come down") to be paid. So if summer and spring is the yin, than I guess this time of year is the yang from my perspective.

Now that I have my heavy duty Blue Max desk light - I notice I am not consumed with sadness every day. If I have rested well and spent an adequate amount of time in front of the light, I can come in here and sit down with my guitar during a winter day and almost believe it is summer. Yet (instead of the original worded "but") - there are days when that is not the case - and I notice my emotions are those of grief and sadness - where I feel like given the right opportunity and setting I could cry for a long time. I kind of feel like I am walking around with a raw open emotional wound. In the summer the family was gone for two weeks and I had a great time with one of my visiting friends (known here as Mr. L) and I didn't really miss them at all, but they were gone for less than a week at Thanksgiving and I missed them to the point where it was almost painful. I do feel more needy at this time of year, like I want to be hugged and held by any warm and welcome female who is willing to send one out to me (like it or not this responsibility falls upon my wife here) and that I could just sink into this hug for hours on end and soothe that open wound that comes out.

So what exactly is this grief about and where does it come from? There are so many places I could go with this, and although on paper I could probably write a thesis about it, the most honest answer when it comes down to it - is I don't really know. Was the way I was raised? Possibly, probably - there is some connection there - but it is like something you try to focus in on and the more you focus in on any one particular thing, the more you may be missing out on something else you never even bothered to consider. One of my earlier posts was about grieving about the loss of family connectedness. Is it just something inherited - like a cheerful or non-cheerful gene, an inherited mental illness so to speak? Well - maybe so. Or maybe it is some combination of nature and nurture. I guess after a while what it comes down to for me is that the reason itself starts to not matter so much. All that matters is here it is - now in the present - and how it got there specifically is like that elusive truth Nietzsche talks about, and once you zero in on what appears to be the answer on one level, you are just putting up blinders on another in ruling out other possible answers - and my best class I ever had taught me that all answers just consist of additional questions anyways - so to keep a truly open mind you never settle for the most convenient answer at the time that disguises itself as the truth.

All I know is this regarding my sadness - it is here - it is now - and in my experience there is a reason for it. I just have come to realize and accept that while spring, summer, and even early fall are often seasonal times of meditational joy and inspiration for the most part, that late fall and early winter are a time of grief and tears, and maybe accepting this is better than reaching for the nearest pharmaceutical remedy that treats basic emotional human feelings as an illness to be cured. The Buddhists say that an interpretation of an emotion is just as important as the emotion itself. So it is one thing to be sad, but when on top of that there is this interpretation like - Oh My God -- I am feeling sad - that is a bad thing and must be stopped immediately - - I just don't see how that helps the situation much and it can turn an initial emotion into an avalanche of force. We are naturally equipped with our emotions, and when I go where my sadness takes me instead of fighting it, on some level I realize that it is a very necessary part of human existence, even if it is not number one on the menu as a selection. I need my grief to balance me, to keep me grounded, to remember where I come from - and on some level when my grief arrives, I am thankful that it is there to keep me from going too far down the road with my joy - as that road leads to imbalance, out of control ego states, and a much harder crash in days to come - as I now know. My grief keeps me in check, lets me remember an essential part of who and what I am, and as long as those around me don't take it as a personal reflection of their actions (which unfortunately for them some do) - then there is no harm in it. It feels right on many levels. I may want to rest more - put on some Pink Floyd, sing some of the sadder Grateful Dead selections (such as the title song of this blog) or take a long walk with the dogs (you heard right - as in TWO now) in the snow. Please try to forgive me if I am not the best company this time of year - but overall - I have come to realize - sad does not equal bad. Grief and tears are a part of life - and to me the true pity lies with those consumed with such a macho state that they don't allow themselves the healing outlet of tears because it is not supposed to be manly. That to me is sad, not the natural expression of sadness itself.

As the song says and I am not going to take the time to link it - but you can do that yourself - "it's my party and I'll cry if I want to". But this one is even better:

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time for every purpose, under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

Birthday party girl - most likely the last time this will happen at our home again - way too stressful - but then again we said that two years ago... 

Teacher and all of her adoring students 

3 ladies posing 

Group photo 

Married man hitting on married woman 

Beauty contest photo 

The far away view 

Sammy in the middle 

Smiling.. 

By the festive Christmas tree 

Better make a decision..

Be a moron and keep your position

I don't know how many people this happens to, but sometimes I hear a song lyric I have heard 100's of times, but it all of a sudden applies in a different way for that 689th listen and I end up laughing at the irony of it - which is the case for the above referenced song lyric. In particular, what was funny - or it would be funny if it was not so pathetic anyways, was my current boss who made an attempt if you want to call it that, to talk me into staying where I presently work. I don't know if it finally sunk in that I was leaving, or if he was just following the mandatory company protocol in doing this. I hate to sound conceded here, but I carry the place where I work at this particular location, and I have always put in the extra time and effort - actually to the point of working entire weekends at past times, to reach the goals and keep our clients happy. I will not be easily replaced. Maybe my pride in doing a good job has made it a perfect situation for those in charge of me to take advantage of me - and yet I can't entirely blame them because I have been the willing slave all this time. If you are willing to constantly bend over, maybe crying rape is just assigning the blame to the raper.

I may have referenced Moose Turd Pie by Utah Philips before, a frequent Dr. Demento favorite. In a nutshell, nobody wants to be the cook so the incentive is to cook horrible food to get others to complain, and when one guy takes a moose turd and turns it into a pie, the guy who eats it says it is good anyways. I kind of see my present employment situation that way. I have put in the time and hours, the extra hours that on salary I might see as a tiny bonus, the late night call outs to truck accidents, often at the expense of my family life. And I have heard the countless promises from those in charge of me that help would be on the way, that someone would come up to take the load off my hands, that things were going to change, that they didn't want to "burn me out". I have also heard the countless cheese about how great of an asset I am, how valued I am, the praises from management - local and regional - and don't get me wrong, it is nice to be appreciated. But when you hear it on one hand, and then you hear countless broken promises on the other hand, you almost start to believe that what they are really telling you is that is nice to have such a self-sacrificing fool on our hands so we can reap the profits while you have nothing to show for it except for your undying devotion to those who continue to rape you and take advantage of you for doing that.

I know of those that work two jobs to get by. I know of some who work 100 hours a week non stop just to make ends meet, or work countless hours in the fields slaving away, up to 14 hours a day. So in comparison, I could make the argument that I was lucky to have a job at all, a job that provided for me and my family, gave us an ability to have a home, food, water, the amenities of modern society that none of us should take for granted. So on one level I could not complain - I mean - it could always be worse. Yet at the same time, if someone is willing to pay you a good 20% more for doing a job that is not as demanding - or at least is realistically demanding (or so I am led to believe) and they appear to be reflecting the "market value" (the first company I talked to was apparently going to pay me the same amount) - which now leads me to believe I am 20% underpaid for the going market value - wouldn't you be a complete "moron" like the song says, to not take the offer? Well - of course you would - which is why it took me about a fraction of a nano-second to say yes when the offer was made to me.

I had tried complaining to my boss about a year and a half ago when I thought he was really pushing the line by assigning me auto appraisals after I was literally buried in snow claims from the worst winter here of close to 100 years. So on April 14, 2005 after a sleepless night I sent him this e-mail:

"I did not sleep last night - that is how worked up I got over seeing auto appraisals on my screen that I was never told about. I feel dis-respected. I feel like the meeting I had with you might as well have never happened. I hate to do something extreme - like talk about resigning, because I do value this job,but like I told you during our meeting, if I don't feel like I am on the same page with you - I don't want to work in a job that is going to be that stressful to me - because it just is not worth it. I am not resigning - yet - but I am making it clear, if this does not change my future at this company will be limited and I will be considering my options elsewhere. I don't want to be an auto appraiser as long as I have 50 hours a week of property to keep me busy. You initially said you would check with me on autos, that did not happen. You said I would get one a week, I just got 4 - one of them is a whole wasted day in (long distance location). I just turned in record numbers for you, and I feel like I am being punished for my good work. You also told me to be more like (another employee). If I am this busy with property, than I don't even know if I can turn in the quality he did with autos. I will get to the autos - when I can - even though as you pointed out yesterday I am way behind still on my futurity. The property work is still coming in. I am feeling very stressed and overwhelmed right now. I do not want to work in a 2 person office and carry the load forever. Life is too short for that. I need help and I need it now. Thanks."

I was not in a position to really negotiate as I had nothing lined up at the time - so after placating me with a person sent up for a couple days to help, he later took the John Wayne approach and said I was "hijacking" him and told me in essence that I had to do what I was paid to do, and if not he would find someone else who would. He had to show he was the man in charge, and as I was not in a position to do anything else at that time, I bowed down and did as I was asked. I read a section of a Carlos Castaneda book about the "petty tyrant" and just figured it was better to accept demands instead of winning a fight I could not win then. Yet - I think in making my intentions clear, he was "on notice" anyways of what I wanted to do. He just figured if I had such a low amount of self esteem to do everything he asked of me, I wasn't going anywhere. He figured he had me - so it stayed that way up until now - when I think I completely shocked him by telling him I was leaving. At that point, it was almost like the game was up and all the bullshit he had been flinging at me was no longer going to work.

So now we are having a cheese contest. I am telling him how much of a great guy he was to work for and I wish I could stay, but I have to do what I have to do. None of this is being brought up and I highly doubt they have a link to this - but even if they do - well then so what. So the last time he asked me to call him on Tuesday, he gave me that one last pitch to take another bite out of that moose turd pie - only this time he was going to dress it up and maybe call it a moose turd souflet on a croissant role. When I talked to him, there was no mention of finances. I had just gotten a whopping 3% raise right at the time Sara was having all of her costly medical problems. His argument to me was that I had about 4 1/2 weeks of vacation time I was going to lose out on. True - I have only 2 at my next job. Considering though - that a vacation day is more just a day in the week to not set appointments - that the workload does not let up and I am the only schlepp up here in this area to do the work asked - than in reality, you take that day off during the week and you end up working it on the weekend and it is not a vacation day at all. That is why the company raised the vacation from 3 to 4 weeks for senior staff like me - hell - they could give us 8 weeks - it is a free benefit to them, because you are still expected to carry the load and be punished if you don't - either that or in an office setting they would just dump your work on someone else. It is like a piece of hollow cheese, in that it sounds great on paper, but no substance is there when you try to bite into it.

The other benefit he mentioned was the 5% of salary 401K contribution - not bad, but not nowhere as good as the 2/3 of salary pension plan that was yanked from us about midway through my stay with them. And at the new place there will be a pension plan in an age when that is a rarity. So again, what sounds better - a pension plan or a cheap ass 401K contribution. Were these arguments really supposed to sway me, or was it that I had gobbled up so much bullshit during my stay that it was just assumed this would fly too. Again - almost laughable if not so pathetic.

So it was my turn to go one up on bullshit, saying I loved working for the guy - hell I would even work for him over there if I could, that I could end up working for him again - you just never know - but it was my calling to give it a shot. Heck we had our past issues, but that happens with everyone - nothing personal. He said he would love to take me back if I ever need a job with him again (probably another lie, but sounds good) and it was a nice cheesy conversation but the reality is, if I have to go back there again - that notion alone is going to motivate me to do everything humanly possible to succeed at my new place. Sure - 3 week catastrophe shifts out of state are going to suck, but that is a sacrifice I can deal with. From the looks of things, it looks like this job is going to be a place where maybe I can find some dignity in my job, and get the compensation I deserve in the process. It is not going to make me rich by any stretch, but maybe a few more pennies might make me go from a drowning position to barely having my head over water. I just got the letter officially in writing from them outlining my position and pay, and 3 weeks from tomorrow I fly out to the city of lost wages to start training. I have to admit, even with the daylight as low as it is now, it does seem like a new hope for me to start somewhere new. I have always loved my job - driving around - meeting people - seeing the countryside, but it would be real nice to do it in a setting where some basic respect and courtesy is given instead of demeaning lies, false promises and bullshit - and I am not expecting a conflict free situation, but if it is what it appears to be - maybe - just maybe - I can work in a better environment and make the most of the job that I love to do. Maybe all the self-respect I have been preaching to myself in my songs is being reflected in my outside environment like a mirror - since I do believe we create our own reality based on what is inside of us. If anything, I can't see how it could be any worse - as the Beatles song says:


Got to admit it's getting better
A little better, all the time
It can't get no worse

We used to play for silver

now we play for life kind of sums up my feelings on my personal music. First of all, I have never tried to play my music for money, or do anything artistic for money. In some ways work is an art and my job as an insurance adjuster can be an art in itself, especially when I am preparing home layouts, but on a more literal level - my art of singing and writing will never be monetary. I don't know if I am good enough from a commercial point of view to make it out there with the effort I have put into it. I am a good amateur, but I still make mistakes and don't have a problem with playing an out of tune note or wrong note, or singing a note out of key. My voice is strong after singing for most of my life, and I like it, but maybe not for everyone. But on another level of interpreting this line, lately my own writings have evolved to the song selection I have included on my latest recording, which will soon be available for reproduction and mass distribution for anyone who may be interested.

My very first song effort "New York City is a Great Big Pile of Shit" came 25 years ago and expresses my natural dislike of big cities. Although it expresses the dislike well and was good for some laughs, I have not sung it in many years though the words are written down in a book somewhere. Along the lines of my compositions over the last 20 years, I have written some stuff that I know would get a laugh upon listening - from all of the Christmas hating songs, to songs mocking Jew bashers, my dislike of RVs, a song portraying a simulated male love affair - and I even laugh upon listening to some of my recordings of these songs. The thing is now - they just don't suit my purposes much and are not played much at all when I am alone. My emotional experiences are captured in songs about sexual frustration, rage, sadness, fear of death, and anxiety that simulate those feelings pretty well and also can get a strong reaction. But what I am getting at now is that lately I am focusing on a song with only my own reaction in mind. If you like it - great - but if not - well - I am the first person in mind I had when I wrote it, so the song was presented as a kind of healing medicine that I know I needed to hear, and knowing myself at least as well as anyone else does, I have figured out what I need to hear. All of the songs on my last recording fit that category (with the exception of a filler one at the end) so for me this is kind of like a personal greatest hits.

One of my first efforts at trying to heal myself is not on this recording - it could have been - but it just did not make the final cut of the 12 songs that did. It is called Reaching for the Sky and I may have posted it once on the blog here. Audioblogger is now out - the way I was posting stuff before - and I haven't figured out the new way of posting songs - so that is why songs are not popping up here any more. But in essence - this song was my own way of trying to talk myself out of suicide, since suicide seemed like a great idea at the time I wrote it. When I was in the worst of my depressive states, the only thing that would really help me was walking up to the top of the hill and watching the dreamy orange clouds of sunset. I wanted to fall into those clouds, just melt into them and get away from my hopeless state of mind and circumstances that were perceived as hopeless. So even though I was pretty miserable than, I think that song tried to draw upon those images as inspiration to go on living - hence the line "it's only because I'm singing this song that I gotta keep going on". And if the question is asked did it work - 21 years later - it must have, because I am still here.

One of the songs on there is a re-tread but one of my favorite inspirational songs from 1987 I simply call Faith - with the main line being "I believe in me". The only way I could have written that song was to survive a completely consuming mind blowing psychic assault/experience which was just what happened when I made the mistake (or maybe not in the long run) of taking an unquantified amount of LSD in an Irvine Grateful Dead concert parking lot in 1987. I lost all control to the point that I have a misdemeanor on my record for Drunk in Public - one that even now I find myself disclosing since criminal background checks are done and I don't want to hide anything. The last employer was not concerned about it, but as thorough as a background check can be - I wanted them to know. Chances are it is off my record anyways, but I was told a real solid check can turn up everything. Thanks to my folks for being such good sports about coming to get me at the hospital in the middle of the night. But the technical aspects of that experience aside, from my own point of view it was a turning point - because I died that night. I died, was entering the afterlife with no turning back, was the Christ like sacrificial lamb for the entire world to allow their happines, was whisked off in a space ship to never ever land, had the entire set of insecure thoughts of my psyche broadcast on a loudspeaker for the world to hear in a wimpy sorry ass voice, was the last person in the entire universe to not figure out the cosmic equation of existence - every one of my insecurities was magnified and placed on a platter for all to see. It was an experience I will never forget - probably the most intense I have ever had. So - surviving that - I figured if I could (and apparently some go there and never come back so to speak) it actually gave me a strange sense of confidence - like if I can get through that, maybe I can get through anything. So that inspired the Faith song.

That is the last of the 12 songs on my recording. This may be a little boring for those not interested in my music, but for those who hear it these are kind of the liner notes. I intend to send a copy to my older brother and my parents. John will record it for me, and Mr. L can expect one. Anyone else - write me with your address and I will get it to you. There is nothing offensive on it - no 4 letter words - although it is very expressive, so I guess if you want to find offense in something you can, but most likely will not. Unlike some of my Zappa inspired writings, it is completely rated G. Most if not all of the songs have been broadcast here at one point or another, but these are better versions. I have used only two of the four tracks, not only because time was limited on Thanksgiving weekend to squeeze out some tracks after painting all day every day, but also because I think it has a more natural sound for me. Although the "bass" imitation is pretty fun - and the filler song from 2002 has it - overall the two tracks for harmonizing vocals, and then playing a lead line over a rhythm line, are a more honest photo of how I really sound when I am just playing alone - although that is clearly one track when that happens. If it sounds thrown together - it was - and if a mistake or out of tune note did not completely destroy the song attempt, I just left it in there. I have played it back a few times and I am pretty happy with it.

Now as far as the songs themselves, as stated before, Today was inspired by "What to say when you Talk to yourself" - and although I really love the idea of this book, I think in some ways it just coincidentally captures what I have been doing all along with my songs without knowing it. The point of a lot of my songs is to try to present an ideal way of living life - knowing that in reality I am not actually doing that - but the song is something to strive for. So if I freak out and hate myself for fucking up when I do something wrong, the song will try to present something to the contrary as in "Today I'm thinking in a loving way, I'm allowed to make mistakes, and then react without self-hate". It is trying to counter my natural self hating instinct before the fact so that when the inevitable mistake does arrive, the natural programmed instinctive self hating reaction is changed. And yes - I really think this can work. I am pretty certain that after years of singing this type of message it has had an effect on my attitude. Hell - I may be wrong, but it looks like I am heading for a job where the company actually has resepect for those working for them. In some ways it is a strange concept as I am used to working for a place where I am treated like shit, but as I evolve in my own view of myself, maybe I am ready for that now. Back to the song though - in some ways it serves a lyrical overture as many of the ideas there are expressed again in the following songs. I deliberately wrote "Today" as an answer to an exercise in the book where we are asked to write our own "self-talk". The book says a recording is the best way of re-inforcing, and taking it to the next level, music is an even better form of re-inforcement.

Moving right along "Happiness Meditation" from one year ago - was my backyard's incredible atmosphere for playing music - allowing the stage for a way of talking one's self out of a depressed state of mind. Now I know that if you are really down and out to the point of needing medication - you need to take the medication, but on a more limited level I think this can work. The whole point of this song is take a look at the mountains, blowing wind, rain coming down from the heavens and look at it as a kind of healing mother earth Goddess force (my Pagan reference there) and use that as an inspiration to draw upon happiness and send the sad feeling away.

"I can only be who I am" is just that - learning to accept one's self for what it is, flaws and all - and seeing that there may be those out there who may appear to have it better - have more money, pleasure, status, sex, whatever - but that you in fact are living your own life, not theirs - and it is one's task to completely accept and love the God-given (or Gods in the song - another Pagan tribute) life that you are presented with, and to realize that your "flaws" are your blessings, and there is nothing wrong with having an imperfect life - the key point of the song being "my life is accepted just the way that it is". (How's that for a run-on sentence).

"Control" was recently inspired by my laptop crashing on me a lot - getting that perpetual "blue screen of death" that always freaks me out. We rely on these things for everything and when they stop working it feels like everything is coming to an end. Having the neurotic need for control that many of us do, the point of that song is to "surrendur to the flow" (actually a Phish line, not from the song) and realize that even when everything is falling apart, that it is temporary and that things will work themselves out at their own given time. Everything from not knowing when our dying day will come to having to be a "Slave to the Traffic Light" (another Phish line) brings home the fact that as much as we want to be in control, we really aren't and the best form of peace is to throw your sails in the directions of the wind and let them go where they are going to take you - kind of a Taoist approach.

The next four songs are a family of songs dealing with my relationship with the female force, and are heavily influenced by Jung's anima concept. The first one being a tribute to my real life wife, and realizing that even after 10 years of living with her and seeing all aspects of her personality, some more pleasant than others, that it is a real blessing to have someone stick it out with you for that long, and more than anything to never take this for granted and see it as a miracle, a miracle that will not be around forever. "Medicine Woman" seemed like an appropriate line, as she has come from a background of Mexican healers, and her presence in my life has had a healing and inspiring affect on me. The remaining three are more of a tribute to the projected, imagined "anima" inner female within, with the first being a way of accessing that force when a real life female (my girlfriend at the time I was breaking up with) is departing, the next listing a set of all women I have had serious crushes on and turning them all into one imagined being, and the final being a way to summon up this force when in reality nobody seems to be there to be able to come through with that - turning within, when the forces on the outside appear to be turning against.

"Take Me Away" comes from 1989 when I was in between jobs and looking for a way to inspire myself when job searching seemed somewhat depressing and hopeless. "The Center" is my tribute to Buddhism and not gettting too caught up in one state of mind. "Embrace Yourself" is my way of telling myself it is time after so many years of self hate to "pull the gun from your head" and realize that I really can love myself. For some reason the vibe clicked that muscially I think the solo there came off better than anywhere else. It then ends with the "Faith" song I already mentioned.

So - for any of you that end up listening to this, in a nut shell you kind of see where I am at and what inspired me to write these songs. 9 of the 12 on here are from within the last couple years, and to me that tells me from my own artistic point of view that I am really starting to tune in to myself spiritually and psychologically and give myself the medicine to inspire myself to get the most out of my life and every day. I have decided to call this recording Self-Help On the way.

Well I got no chance of losing

this time

This is a continuation of a post I did back in August - a post that referenced a new job being like a woman that a male pursues - often elusively and unsuccessfully, as was the case at that time. I was in love, I wanted her too much - maybe she sensed it - maybe she was just stringing me along and it didn't make a difference one way or another - but as the story goes, I was rejected - and after what has now happened - maybe it was for the best. You see - I wasn't ready for her - I did want her too much - and maybe if I had gotten what I was looking for, I would have lost my head and ended up in a mental ASSylum or another shrink's office.

So - this time around - when another "woman" appeared as a prospect - I was very cautious, very suspicious, very non-chalant. I didn't believe it, even when it technically looked promising because there were already scalding burn marks on my ass that made it somewhat painful to sit down. So even when she was going to impress me with a wine and dine all expenses trip to Colorado, I still thought - yeah right, I will believe it when I see it. Maybe it is the time of year when my seasonal depression takes over, when it really is hard to get excited about much of anything.

So as the story goes, I found myself in Denver on Wednesday night, like an outlaw on the run from the mean old lady who has fronted my paycheck for the last 18 years, sneaking behind her back to check out the latest temptation. As I tend to freak out about just anything I can, I neurotically checked weather.com to realize that a massive snow front was coming in, and the idea of driving 35 miles on a dark road (E470 - now a toll road) at night to my hotel was a little intimidating, so I checked every day to find what appeared to be a little flurry building up to a "heavy snow" front, and questioning my timing of the whole thing - but knowing I had to do it, I braved it out there. Luckily, no pressing calls came up from work as I technically did not have the day off until Thursday and the delayed flight left at 2:25 that Wednesday. My low sleep that week kept me pretty tired, so that I slept twice on the plane, to find out that the storm had socked it to Denver but left town that afternoon. Upon arriving, I did find it left plenty of snow and ice on the road, ice that almost sent my flying onto my face in the Hertz parking lot, searching for the elusive car that did not really exist in the stall they said it did, so that while doing the Denver ice walk shuffle to avoid another fall, caring a heavy old suitcase with wheels too low to be effective, and a guitar and briefcase in the other hand, I seriously wondered what the hell I was doing there. I just kept hoping during the 3/4 hour or so drive back to the hotel I would not have to find out what insurance coverage would cover a banged up Ford Taurus from a snow spinout. (I only had one wrong turn of the airport that left me cursing since I didn't quite get that right turn the Hertz lady told me about after she closed my open car trunk at the gate out - so much snow and ice out there I didn't even see or know it was open). But the familiar sounds of Spearhead (see my lighter post a few down) kept me company, particularly a line about "even though I'm far from home I'm not alone" and somehow I miraculously made it to the Courtyard without a spinout or crash. Driving like a little old lady terrified of the ice probably helped me there.

So I got in, ate a salad a little too spicy for my liking downstairs, had enough energy to muster out my "Today" song staring out to the snow filled lot from my 4th floor room - and then was tired enough to sleep in two hour increments throughout the night. On the plane and in the bed I was so damn tired I didn't even care about the interview, I just wanted to sleep and get the hell back home. Had a little swim in the morning at the hotel pool, probably big enough to fit two versions of Shaq lying head to head, had a frantic attempt to iron out my suitcase wrinkled suit, and then with ice and snow all over the windshield and parking lot, stumbled out from the hotel and made it to my destination right at the nick of time, doing the snow shuffle through the lot in another attempt to not show up there with ice and snow smeared all over my suit after falling.

And when I got there in the waiting room, I realized something. At my last interview "date" my heart was pounding like an engine in the lobby waiting, but at this one - I really just didn't care. I was in the perfect take it or leave it state of mind, because I was too tired to care. I just thought - let the chips fall where they may - I don't have any energy left to care. And though the interview was done in a pretty nice way, it ended with the same old "we'll let you know in two weeks or more" the way the last one had and I thought - I KNEW IT - I got the boot again! I just thought once you hear that line at the end of an interview, it is the kiss of death - because if they really want you - they will let you know sooner.

So - a little diversion from the story later - after ending up at the airport, I was very surprised to hear not 5 hours later that yes - they did indeed want me to work there - the price was right - and two days later, it is still hard for me to now believe it - but as of January 8 - I will no longer be working with my employer of 18 years, and will be starting anew with what appears to be a much more stable and respectable employer. Maybe it just means I can't trust my own intuition, and if I believe it is going down I am my own worst anticipating enemy, but once I stop caring and to a certain degree trying, that is the right frame of mind to let the Tao work itself out and really make it happen. It worked this time. So I guess I needed my ass to be burned the first time around to be ready for acceptance during the second go round. I broke the news to my present company, and although the boss was taken aback on one level, I don't think he was entirely shocked on another - I agreed to give him the time he needed to try to find someone else - after all - they have paid my way for the last 18 years and even if it had pretty much gone south as of late, I didn't want to leave on bad terms. Who knows - I may need to come crawling back like a dog with its tail between its legs if I can't make it here, although I really have a hard time believing that. I know I can do it - I will do whatever it takes to make this work and damn it - I will!

Somehow setting a thought process in motion - with the right will and determination behind, seems to make it happen - in a way I can't explain. I just believe that - just like I believed when I had it out with my boss last April that even after caving in to his demands, I knew that when I "sent it out the universe" and put it out in writing to him that I would be looking elsewhere if I wasn't respected, that the power of my word would make it happen, someway, somehow, in a way I can't even really understand myself. I did the same with a girlfriend from hell before I met my wife - told her if I didn't get what I wanted from her, I would find it somewhere else - and sure enough I met Victoria five months later, and when my ex then tried to come back a year later - sorry babe - too late - you're "out of time" like the Stones song says. I don't know how I do this, but there is a power to one's word and maybe because I live and die by my words, in writing these writings and my songs (new CD will be on the way soon once I arrange the final tracks and ship it off to my Montana buddy) there is some mysterious crazy way that I summon up the forces of the universe and make it happen. Or - maybe one big synchronistic coincidence, but what fun is that to see it that way? I like the mystic approach better.

So the moral of the story for me here - is once you lose your head over something, the battle is already lost - but when you keep it in place, you have a fighting chance. How you go into it is a lot more important than the end result itself, and coveting the prize before you get it is on par with pre-mature ejaculation. Maybe what I mean with one of my writings when I wrote:

I know it's not so much if it happens, more important how.