We used to play for silver
now we play for life kind of sums up my feelings on my personal music. First of all, I have never tried to play my music for money, or do anything artistic for money. In some ways work is an art and my job as an insurance adjuster can be an art in itself, especially when I am preparing home layouts, but on a more literal level - my art of singing and writing will never be monetary. I don't know if I am good enough from a commercial point of view to make it out there with the effort I have put into it. I am a good amateur, but I still make mistakes and don't have a problem with playing an out of tune note or wrong note, or singing a note out of key. My voice is strong after singing for most of my life, and I like it, but maybe not for everyone. But on another level of interpreting this line, lately my own writings have evolved to the song selection I have included on my latest recording, which will soon be available for reproduction and mass distribution for anyone who may be interested.
My very first song effort "New York City is a Great Big Pile of Shit" came 25 years ago and expresses my natural dislike of big cities. Although it expresses the dislike well and was good for some laughs, I have not sung it in many years though the words are written down in a book somewhere. Along the lines of my compositions over the last 20 years, I have written some stuff that I know would get a laugh upon listening - from all of the Christmas hating songs, to songs mocking Jew bashers, my dislike of RVs, a song portraying a simulated male love affair - and I even laugh upon listening to some of my recordings of these songs. The thing is now - they just don't suit my purposes much and are not played much at all when I am alone. My emotional experiences are captured in songs about sexual frustration, rage, sadness, fear of death, and anxiety that simulate those feelings pretty well and also can get a strong reaction. But what I am getting at now is that lately I am focusing on a song with only my own reaction in mind. If you like it - great - but if not - well - I am the first person in mind I had when I wrote it, so the song was presented as a kind of healing medicine that I know I needed to hear, and knowing myself at least as well as anyone else does, I have figured out what I need to hear. All of the songs on my last recording fit that category (with the exception of a filler one at the end) so for me this is kind of like a personal greatest hits.
One of my first efforts at trying to heal myself is not on this recording - it could have been - but it just did not make the final cut of the 12 songs that did. It is called Reaching for the Sky and I may have posted it once on the blog here. Audioblogger is now out - the way I was posting stuff before - and I haven't figured out the new way of posting songs - so that is why songs are not popping up here any more. But in essence - this song was my own way of trying to talk myself out of suicide, since suicide seemed like a great idea at the time I wrote it. When I was in the worst of my depressive states, the only thing that would really help me was walking up to the top of the hill and watching the dreamy orange clouds of sunset. I wanted to fall into those clouds, just melt into them and get away from my hopeless state of mind and circumstances that were perceived as hopeless. So even though I was pretty miserable than, I think that song tried to draw upon those images as inspiration to go on living - hence the line "it's only because I'm singing this song that I gotta keep going on". And if the question is asked did it work - 21 years later - it must have, because I am still here.
One of the songs on there is a re-tread but one of my favorite inspirational songs from 1987 I simply call Faith - with the main line being "I believe in me". The only way I could have written that song was to survive a completely consuming mind blowing psychic assault/experience which was just what happened when I made the mistake (or maybe not in the long run) of taking an unquantified amount of LSD in an Irvine Grateful Dead concert parking lot in 1987. I lost all control to the point that I have a misdemeanor on my record for Drunk in Public - one that even now I find myself disclosing since criminal background checks are done and I don't want to hide anything. The last employer was not concerned about it, but as thorough as a background check can be - I wanted them to know. Chances are it is off my record anyways, but I was told a real solid check can turn up everything. Thanks to my folks for being such good sports about coming to get me at the hospital in the middle of the night. But the technical aspects of that experience aside, from my own point of view it was a turning point - because I died that night. I died, was entering the afterlife with no turning back, was the Christ like sacrificial lamb for the entire world to allow their happines, was whisked off in a space ship to never ever land, had the entire set of insecure thoughts of my psyche broadcast on a loudspeaker for the world to hear in a wimpy sorry ass voice, was the last person in the entire universe to not figure out the cosmic equation of existence - every one of my insecurities was magnified and placed on a platter for all to see. It was an experience I will never forget - probably the most intense I have ever had. So - surviving that - I figured if I could (and apparently some go there and never come back so to speak) it actually gave me a strange sense of confidence - like if I can get through that, maybe I can get through anything. So that inspired the Faith song.
That is the last of the 12 songs on my recording. This may be a little boring for those not interested in my music, but for those who hear it these are kind of the liner notes. I intend to send a copy to my older brother and my parents. John will record it for me, and Mr. L can expect one. Anyone else - write me with your address and I will get it to you. There is nothing offensive on it - no 4 letter words - although it is very expressive, so I guess if you want to find offense in something you can, but most likely will not. Unlike some of my Zappa inspired writings, it is completely rated G. Most if not all of the songs have been broadcast here at one point or another, but these are better versions. I have used only two of the four tracks, not only because time was limited on Thanksgiving weekend to squeeze out some tracks after painting all day every day, but also because I think it has a more natural sound for me. Although the "bass" imitation is pretty fun - and the filler song from 2002 has it - overall the two tracks for harmonizing vocals, and then playing a lead line over a rhythm line, are a more honest photo of how I really sound when I am just playing alone - although that is clearly one track when that happens. If it sounds thrown together - it was - and if a mistake or out of tune note did not completely destroy the song attempt, I just left it in there. I have played it back a few times and I am pretty happy with it.
Now as far as the songs themselves, as stated before, Today was inspired by "What to say when you Talk to yourself" - and although I really love the idea of this book, I think in some ways it just coincidentally captures what I have been doing all along with my songs without knowing it. The point of a lot of my songs is to try to present an ideal way of living life - knowing that in reality I am not actually doing that - but the song is something to strive for. So if I freak out and hate myself for fucking up when I do something wrong, the song will try to present something to the contrary as in "Today I'm thinking in a loving way, I'm allowed to make mistakes, and then react without self-hate". It is trying to counter my natural self hating instinct before the fact so that when the inevitable mistake does arrive, the natural programmed instinctive self hating reaction is changed. And yes - I really think this can work. I am pretty certain that after years of singing this type of message it has had an effect on my attitude. Hell - I may be wrong, but it looks like I am heading for a job where the company actually has resepect for those working for them. In some ways it is a strange concept as I am used to working for a place where I am treated like shit, but as I evolve in my own view of myself, maybe I am ready for that now. Back to the song though - in some ways it serves a lyrical overture as many of the ideas there are expressed again in the following songs. I deliberately wrote "Today" as an answer to an exercise in the book where we are asked to write our own "self-talk". The book says a recording is the best way of re-inforcing, and taking it to the next level, music is an even better form of re-inforcement.
Moving right along "Happiness Meditation" from one year ago - was my backyard's incredible atmosphere for playing music - allowing the stage for a way of talking one's self out of a depressed state of mind. Now I know that if you are really down and out to the point of needing medication - you need to take the medication, but on a more limited level I think this can work. The whole point of this song is take a look at the mountains, blowing wind, rain coming down from the heavens and look at it as a kind of healing mother earth Goddess force (my Pagan reference there) and use that as an inspiration to draw upon happiness and send the sad feeling away.
"I can only be who I am" is just that - learning to accept one's self for what it is, flaws and all - and seeing that there may be those out there who may appear to have it better - have more money, pleasure, status, sex, whatever - but that you in fact are living your own life, not theirs - and it is one's task to completely accept and love the God-given (or Gods in the song - another Pagan tribute) life that you are presented with, and to realize that your "flaws" are your blessings, and there is nothing wrong with having an imperfect life - the key point of the song being "my life is accepted just the way that it is". (How's that for a run-on sentence).
"Control" was recently inspired by my laptop crashing on me a lot - getting that perpetual "blue screen of death" that always freaks me out. We rely on these things for everything and when they stop working it feels like everything is coming to an end. Having the neurotic need for control that many of us do, the point of that song is to "surrendur to the flow" (actually a Phish line, not from the song) and realize that even when everything is falling apart, that it is temporary and that things will work themselves out at their own given time. Everything from not knowing when our dying day will come to having to be a "Slave to the Traffic Light" (another Phish line) brings home the fact that as much as we want to be in control, we really aren't and the best form of peace is to throw your sails in the directions of the wind and let them go where they are going to take you - kind of a Taoist approach.
The next four songs are a family of songs dealing with my relationship with the female force, and are heavily influenced by Jung's anima concept. The first one being a tribute to my real life wife, and realizing that even after 10 years of living with her and seeing all aspects of her personality, some more pleasant than others, that it is a real blessing to have someone stick it out with you for that long, and more than anything to never take this for granted and see it as a miracle, a miracle that will not be around forever. "Medicine Woman" seemed like an appropriate line, as she has come from a background of Mexican healers, and her presence in my life has had a healing and inspiring affect on me. The remaining three are more of a tribute to the projected, imagined "anima" inner female within, with the first being a way of accessing that force when a real life female (my girlfriend at the time I was breaking up with) is departing, the next listing a set of all women I have had serious crushes on and turning them all into one imagined being, and the final being a way to summon up this force when in reality nobody seems to be there to be able to come through with that - turning within, when the forces on the outside appear to be turning against.
"Take Me Away" comes from 1989 when I was in between jobs and looking for a way to inspire myself when job searching seemed somewhat depressing and hopeless. "The Center" is my tribute to Buddhism and not gettting too caught up in one state of mind. "Embrace Yourself" is my way of telling myself it is time after so many years of self hate to "pull the gun from your head" and realize that I really can love myself. For some reason the vibe clicked that muscially I think the solo there came off better than anywhere else. It then ends with the "Faith" song I already mentioned.
So - for any of you that end up listening to this, in a nut shell you kind of see where I am at and what inspired me to write these songs. 9 of the 12 on here are from within the last couple years, and to me that tells me from my own artistic point of view that I am really starting to tune in to myself spiritually and psychologically and give myself the medicine to inspire myself to get the most out of my life and every day. I have decided to call this recording Self-Help On the way.
My very first song effort "New York City is a Great Big Pile of Shit" came 25 years ago and expresses my natural dislike of big cities. Although it expresses the dislike well and was good for some laughs, I have not sung it in many years though the words are written down in a book somewhere. Along the lines of my compositions over the last 20 years, I have written some stuff that I know would get a laugh upon listening - from all of the Christmas hating songs, to songs mocking Jew bashers, my dislike of RVs, a song portraying a simulated male love affair - and I even laugh upon listening to some of my recordings of these songs. The thing is now - they just don't suit my purposes much and are not played much at all when I am alone. My emotional experiences are captured in songs about sexual frustration, rage, sadness, fear of death, and anxiety that simulate those feelings pretty well and also can get a strong reaction. But what I am getting at now is that lately I am focusing on a song with only my own reaction in mind. If you like it - great - but if not - well - I am the first person in mind I had when I wrote it, so the song was presented as a kind of healing medicine that I know I needed to hear, and knowing myself at least as well as anyone else does, I have figured out what I need to hear. All of the songs on my last recording fit that category (with the exception of a filler one at the end) so for me this is kind of like a personal greatest hits.
One of my first efforts at trying to heal myself is not on this recording - it could have been - but it just did not make the final cut of the 12 songs that did. It is called Reaching for the Sky and I may have posted it once on the blog here. Audioblogger is now out - the way I was posting stuff before - and I haven't figured out the new way of posting songs - so that is why songs are not popping up here any more. But in essence - this song was my own way of trying to talk myself out of suicide, since suicide seemed like a great idea at the time I wrote it. When I was in the worst of my depressive states, the only thing that would really help me was walking up to the top of the hill and watching the dreamy orange clouds of sunset. I wanted to fall into those clouds, just melt into them and get away from my hopeless state of mind and circumstances that were perceived as hopeless. So even though I was pretty miserable than, I think that song tried to draw upon those images as inspiration to go on living - hence the line "it's only because I'm singing this song that I gotta keep going on". And if the question is asked did it work - 21 years later - it must have, because I am still here.
One of the songs on there is a re-tread but one of my favorite inspirational songs from 1987 I simply call Faith - with the main line being "I believe in me". The only way I could have written that song was to survive a completely consuming mind blowing psychic assault/experience which was just what happened when I made the mistake (or maybe not in the long run) of taking an unquantified amount of LSD in an Irvine Grateful Dead concert parking lot in 1987. I lost all control to the point that I have a misdemeanor on my record for Drunk in Public - one that even now I find myself disclosing since criminal background checks are done and I don't want to hide anything. The last employer was not concerned about it, but as thorough as a background check can be - I wanted them to know. Chances are it is off my record anyways, but I was told a real solid check can turn up everything. Thanks to my folks for being such good sports about coming to get me at the hospital in the middle of the night. But the technical aspects of that experience aside, from my own point of view it was a turning point - because I died that night. I died, was entering the afterlife with no turning back, was the Christ like sacrificial lamb for the entire world to allow their happines, was whisked off in a space ship to never ever land, had the entire set of insecure thoughts of my psyche broadcast on a loudspeaker for the world to hear in a wimpy sorry ass voice, was the last person in the entire universe to not figure out the cosmic equation of existence - every one of my insecurities was magnified and placed on a platter for all to see. It was an experience I will never forget - probably the most intense I have ever had. So - surviving that - I figured if I could (and apparently some go there and never come back so to speak) it actually gave me a strange sense of confidence - like if I can get through that, maybe I can get through anything. So that inspired the Faith song.
That is the last of the 12 songs on my recording. This may be a little boring for those not interested in my music, but for those who hear it these are kind of the liner notes. I intend to send a copy to my older brother and my parents. John will record it for me, and Mr. L can expect one. Anyone else - write me with your address and I will get it to you. There is nothing offensive on it - no 4 letter words - although it is very expressive, so I guess if you want to find offense in something you can, but most likely will not. Unlike some of my Zappa inspired writings, it is completely rated G. Most if not all of the songs have been broadcast here at one point or another, but these are better versions. I have used only two of the four tracks, not only because time was limited on Thanksgiving weekend to squeeze out some tracks after painting all day every day, but also because I think it has a more natural sound for me. Although the "bass" imitation is pretty fun - and the filler song from 2002 has it - overall the two tracks for harmonizing vocals, and then playing a lead line over a rhythm line, are a more honest photo of how I really sound when I am just playing alone - although that is clearly one track when that happens. If it sounds thrown together - it was - and if a mistake or out of tune note did not completely destroy the song attempt, I just left it in there. I have played it back a few times and I am pretty happy with it.
Now as far as the songs themselves, as stated before, Today was inspired by "What to say when you Talk to yourself" - and although I really love the idea of this book, I think in some ways it just coincidentally captures what I have been doing all along with my songs without knowing it. The point of a lot of my songs is to try to present an ideal way of living life - knowing that in reality I am not actually doing that - but the song is something to strive for. So if I freak out and hate myself for fucking up when I do something wrong, the song will try to present something to the contrary as in "Today I'm thinking in a loving way, I'm allowed to make mistakes, and then react without self-hate". It is trying to counter my natural self hating instinct before the fact so that when the inevitable mistake does arrive, the natural programmed instinctive self hating reaction is changed. And yes - I really think this can work. I am pretty certain that after years of singing this type of message it has had an effect on my attitude. Hell - I may be wrong, but it looks like I am heading for a job where the company actually has resepect for those working for them. In some ways it is a strange concept as I am used to working for a place where I am treated like shit, but as I evolve in my own view of myself, maybe I am ready for that now. Back to the song though - in some ways it serves a lyrical overture as many of the ideas there are expressed again in the following songs. I deliberately wrote "Today" as an answer to an exercise in the book where we are asked to write our own "self-talk". The book says a recording is the best way of re-inforcing, and taking it to the next level, music is an even better form of re-inforcement.
Moving right along "Happiness Meditation" from one year ago - was my backyard's incredible atmosphere for playing music - allowing the stage for a way of talking one's self out of a depressed state of mind. Now I know that if you are really down and out to the point of needing medication - you need to take the medication, but on a more limited level I think this can work. The whole point of this song is take a look at the mountains, blowing wind, rain coming down from the heavens and look at it as a kind of healing mother earth Goddess force (my Pagan reference there) and use that as an inspiration to draw upon happiness and send the sad feeling away.
"I can only be who I am" is just that - learning to accept one's self for what it is, flaws and all - and seeing that there may be those out there who may appear to have it better - have more money, pleasure, status, sex, whatever - but that you in fact are living your own life, not theirs - and it is one's task to completely accept and love the God-given (or Gods in the song - another Pagan tribute) life that you are presented with, and to realize that your "flaws" are your blessings, and there is nothing wrong with having an imperfect life - the key point of the song being "my life is accepted just the way that it is". (How's that for a run-on sentence).
"Control" was recently inspired by my laptop crashing on me a lot - getting that perpetual "blue screen of death" that always freaks me out. We rely on these things for everything and when they stop working it feels like everything is coming to an end. Having the neurotic need for control that many of us do, the point of that song is to "surrendur to the flow" (actually a Phish line, not from the song) and realize that even when everything is falling apart, that it is temporary and that things will work themselves out at their own given time. Everything from not knowing when our dying day will come to having to be a "Slave to the Traffic Light" (another Phish line) brings home the fact that as much as we want to be in control, we really aren't and the best form of peace is to throw your sails in the directions of the wind and let them go where they are going to take you - kind of a Taoist approach.
The next four songs are a family of songs dealing with my relationship with the female force, and are heavily influenced by Jung's anima concept. The first one being a tribute to my real life wife, and realizing that even after 10 years of living with her and seeing all aspects of her personality, some more pleasant than others, that it is a real blessing to have someone stick it out with you for that long, and more than anything to never take this for granted and see it as a miracle, a miracle that will not be around forever. "Medicine Woman" seemed like an appropriate line, as she has come from a background of Mexican healers, and her presence in my life has had a healing and inspiring affect on me. The remaining three are more of a tribute to the projected, imagined "anima" inner female within, with the first being a way of accessing that force when a real life female (my girlfriend at the time I was breaking up with) is departing, the next listing a set of all women I have had serious crushes on and turning them all into one imagined being, and the final being a way to summon up this force when in reality nobody seems to be there to be able to come through with that - turning within, when the forces on the outside appear to be turning against.
"Take Me Away" comes from 1989 when I was in between jobs and looking for a way to inspire myself when job searching seemed somewhat depressing and hopeless. "The Center" is my tribute to Buddhism and not gettting too caught up in one state of mind. "Embrace Yourself" is my way of telling myself it is time after so many years of self hate to "pull the gun from your head" and realize that I really can love myself. For some reason the vibe clicked that muscially I think the solo there came off better than anywhere else. It then ends with the "Faith" song I already mentioned.
So - for any of you that end up listening to this, in a nut shell you kind of see where I am at and what inspired me to write these songs. 9 of the 12 on here are from within the last couple years, and to me that tells me from my own artistic point of view that I am really starting to tune in to myself spiritually and psychologically and give myself the medicine to inspire myself to get the most out of my life and every day. I have decided to call this recording Self-Help On the way.
posted by Zook at 5:59 AM
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