These are the seasons of emotion
These are the seasons of emotion
and like the winds they rise and fall
This is the wonder of devotion -
I see the torch we all must hold.
This is the mystery of the quotient -
Upon us all a little rain must fall.
Led Zeppelin is often thought of as a phase American teenage boys go through, and I was no exception. It didn't always get the best reception from my family, and for whatever reason I remember my older brother lamenting about how much the "Crunge" was painful to listen to as we heard it in the car heading down Palos Verdes Drive West in the family vehicle toward home one time. It seems like if I am going to remember anything going that far back it will have to do with music. From that same album "Houses of the Holy" comes "The Rain Song" which is one of the softer more melodic tunes of theirs, until one of the loud concluding verses anyways, but the Rain Song has an amazing message to me even almost 30 years past the days I first listened to it. It also has beautiful chords and may be their best song. Unlike some of the music I liked as a teen that I pretty much phased out (AC/DC for example) I can still put on a Led Zeppelin tune now and then and appreciate it even in my middle age years.
Yesterday I breathed a sense of relief in knowing that as winter solstice is now officially upon us, the days will now start getting longer instead of shorter. I have checked to see there are now 9 hours and 23 minutes of daylight, in contrast to summer solstice when there are about 5 more hours of daylight. In this household we have a difference in preference as summer is my favorite time, while Victoria likes this time the most. It often seems to be adding insult to injury to a degree that the media Christmas assault is also this time of year, meaning I have to endure songs that talk about the "most wonderful time of the year" when it is actually the saddest for me, or endure stressed out traffic jams at their worst in store parking lots when I do not even participate in all of the Christmas shopping. I won't spend a whole post on it, but the idea that we are all supposed to dig deeper into our ever growing debt and spend our average 1,000 bucks or so on gifts is one that I personally just don't buy into, so while I say thanks to anyone who has sent us a holiday gift, the only holiday gift I will be sending is a copy of my personal CD when I have it available to do that.
When I was about 20 - as anyone who reads this on a semi-regular basis or knows me at all is aware of - I experienced some pretty extreme emotional states. Having lived the first 19 years of my life in a somewhat blah, repressed, melancholy and empty emotional state - it was quite a contrast. Once I had gone from my highest high to my lowest low, it was right around this time of year - 21 years ago, that the crash down hit its lowest points and I engaged in self-mutilating acts that could have been interpreted as just a little bit destructive or even life threatening. So - that is one association I have with this time of year. As we all know in this society, it is always necessary for us to throw a label or a box upon anything that we don't quite understand, and my extremes were classified as "bi-polar" and I was told to take a salty lithium pill that made me piss a lot, and other than that seemed to have no noticeable affects. If I was a true intensive full head-on bipolar, I would not be able to function in society without medication, but I have pretty strong feelings about medication - especially psychiatric - and try to avoid it when possible.
Certain emotions that have absolutely no positive value of any kind exist - and one of those is anxiety. If you suffer from that - and I know those that do - and fortunately I seem to get a more relatively mild dose of it than others - my suggestion is - yes - take something to calm down and do it quickly. If you can meditate it away that is fine, and for me Kava tea works well, but I just don't see anything positive about a sustained fear state unless it is a real life flee response to a life threatening danger - and for most of us that is not the case. Personally I don't think pills are the answer to everything. So when this time of year comes up, and I start to feel some pretty strong feelings of sadness, some suggest that I should get on medication to make it go away. After all - we aren't supposed to feel sadness, are we? We are just supposed to be "happy smiling faces" who go to work when we are told, buy presents we are told, be fun people to hang out with, say the right things, do the right things, and most importantly - think the right thoughts. The phrase "one dimensional" comes to mind here.
Well - my conclusion on this experience I have at this time of year, even though I will not call it my favorite time of year, is that it is necessary. It is like the ying and yang as spring and summer tends to be a very inspirational time of year, and if I can get through the two bad hay fever allergy months, and slap on some mosquito repellant and not be one of the West Nile Virus stats, it is a time when I can be outside in my yard, playing my guitar, enjoying the amazing outdoor air and sights that accompany it in the rural setting that I am FORTUNATE enough to live in, and I guess if I had my way, it would just stay that way all year. Technically that is my "manic" time of year, but unlike my experience of my adolescence, it is grounded in that I can still work, be myself, be respectful toward others and not a major overall nuisance, things I was not able to do when I thought it was cool to make a major nuisance of myself and antagonize others at that time in my life. But (too many "but"s I find in proof-reading this - although I do like big ones) the one thing I do share with the adolescent experience is that sense of spiritual connectedness, when life seems like a miracle and whatever forces of nature, spirit, and Goddess may or may not exist, do seem very real and inspirational to me and in my mind they are very moving. I often feel during those times like finally after all these years of suffering I am starting to get it, that happiness can be a very real state and that the world of the spirit can be lived in without a major price tag (of substances or altered states where one "can't come down") to be paid. So if summer and spring is the yin, than I guess this time of year is the yang from my perspective.
Now that I have my heavy duty Blue Max desk light - I notice I am not consumed with sadness every day. If I have rested well and spent an adequate amount of time in front of the light, I can come in here and sit down with my guitar during a winter day and almost believe it is summer. Yet (instead of the original worded "but") - there are days when that is not the case - and I notice my emotions are those of grief and sadness - where I feel like given the right opportunity and setting I could cry for a long time. I kind of feel like I am walking around with a raw open emotional wound. In the summer the family was gone for two weeks and I had a great time with one of my visiting friends (known here as Mr. L) and I didn't really miss them at all, but they were gone for less than a week at Thanksgiving and I missed them to the point where it was almost painful. I do feel more needy at this time of year, like I want to be hugged and held by any warm and welcome female who is willing to send one out to me (like it or not this responsibility falls upon my wife here) and that I could just sink into this hug for hours on end and soothe that open wound that comes out.
So what exactly is this grief about and where does it come from? There are so many places I could go with this, and although on paper I could probably write a thesis about it, the most honest answer when it comes down to it - is I don't really know. Was the way I was raised? Possibly, probably - there is some connection there - but it is like something you try to focus in on and the more you focus in on any one particular thing, the more you may be missing out on something else you never even bothered to consider. One of my earlier posts was about grieving about the loss of family connectedness. Is it just something inherited - like a cheerful or non-cheerful gene, an inherited mental illness so to speak? Well - maybe so. Or maybe it is some combination of nature and nurture. I guess after a while what it comes down to for me is that the reason itself starts to not matter so much. All that matters is here it is - now in the present - and how it got there specifically is like that elusive truth Nietzsche talks about, and once you zero in on what appears to be the answer on one level, you are just putting up blinders on another in ruling out other possible answers - and my best class I ever had taught me that all answers just consist of additional questions anyways - so to keep a truly open mind you never settle for the most convenient answer at the time that disguises itself as the truth.
All I know is this regarding my sadness - it is here - it is now - and in my experience there is a reason for it. I just have come to realize and accept that while spring, summer, and even early fall are often seasonal times of meditational joy and inspiration for the most part, that late fall and early winter are a time of grief and tears, and maybe accepting this is better than reaching for the nearest pharmaceutical remedy that treats basic emotional human feelings as an illness to be cured. The Buddhists say that an interpretation of an emotion is just as important as the emotion itself. So it is one thing to be sad, but when on top of that there is this interpretation like - Oh My God -- I am feeling sad - that is a bad thing and must be stopped immediately - - I just don't see how that helps the situation much and it can turn an initial emotion into an avalanche of force. We are naturally equipped with our emotions, and when I go where my sadness takes me instead of fighting it, on some level I realize that it is a very necessary part of human existence, even if it is not number one on the menu as a selection. I need my grief to balance me, to keep me grounded, to remember where I come from - and on some level when my grief arrives, I am thankful that it is there to keep me from going too far down the road with my joy - as that road leads to imbalance, out of control ego states, and a much harder crash in days to come - as I now know. My grief keeps me in check, lets me remember an essential part of who and what I am, and as long as those around me don't take it as a personal reflection of their actions (which unfortunately for them some do) - then there is no harm in it. It feels right on many levels. I may want to rest more - put on some Pink Floyd, sing some of the sadder Grateful Dead selections (such as the title song of this blog) or take a long walk with the dogs (you heard right - as in TWO now) in the snow. Please try to forgive me if I am not the best company this time of year - but overall - I have come to realize - sad does not equal bad. Grief and tears are a part of life - and to me the true pity lies with those consumed with such a macho state that they don't allow themselves the healing outlet of tears because it is not supposed to be manly. That to me is sad, not the natural expression of sadness itself.
As the song says and I am not going to take the time to link it - but you can do that yourself - "it's my party and I'll cry if I want to". But this one is even better:
To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time for every purpose, under heaven
A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep
and like the winds they rise and fall
This is the wonder of devotion -
I see the torch we all must hold.
This is the mystery of the quotient -
Upon us all a little rain must fall.
Led Zeppelin is often thought of as a phase American teenage boys go through, and I was no exception. It didn't always get the best reception from my family, and for whatever reason I remember my older brother lamenting about how much the "Crunge" was painful to listen to as we heard it in the car heading down Palos Verdes Drive West in the family vehicle toward home one time. It seems like if I am going to remember anything going that far back it will have to do with music. From that same album "Houses of the Holy" comes "The Rain Song" which is one of the softer more melodic tunes of theirs, until one of the loud concluding verses anyways, but the Rain Song has an amazing message to me even almost 30 years past the days I first listened to it. It also has beautiful chords and may be their best song. Unlike some of the music I liked as a teen that I pretty much phased out (AC/DC for example) I can still put on a Led Zeppelin tune now and then and appreciate it even in my middle age years.
Yesterday I breathed a sense of relief in knowing that as winter solstice is now officially upon us, the days will now start getting longer instead of shorter. I have checked to see there are now 9 hours and 23 minutes of daylight, in contrast to summer solstice when there are about 5 more hours of daylight. In this household we have a difference in preference as summer is my favorite time, while Victoria likes this time the most. It often seems to be adding insult to injury to a degree that the media Christmas assault is also this time of year, meaning I have to endure songs that talk about the "most wonderful time of the year" when it is actually the saddest for me, or endure stressed out traffic jams at their worst in store parking lots when I do not even participate in all of the Christmas shopping. I won't spend a whole post on it, but the idea that we are all supposed to dig deeper into our ever growing debt and spend our average 1,000 bucks or so on gifts is one that I personally just don't buy into, so while I say thanks to anyone who has sent us a holiday gift, the only holiday gift I will be sending is a copy of my personal CD when I have it available to do that.
When I was about 20 - as anyone who reads this on a semi-regular basis or knows me at all is aware of - I experienced some pretty extreme emotional states. Having lived the first 19 years of my life in a somewhat blah, repressed, melancholy and empty emotional state - it was quite a contrast. Once I had gone from my highest high to my lowest low, it was right around this time of year - 21 years ago, that the crash down hit its lowest points and I engaged in self-mutilating acts that could have been interpreted as just a little bit destructive or even life threatening. So - that is one association I have with this time of year. As we all know in this society, it is always necessary for us to throw a label or a box upon anything that we don't quite understand, and my extremes were classified as "bi-polar" and I was told to take a salty lithium pill that made me piss a lot, and other than that seemed to have no noticeable affects. If I was a true intensive full head-on bipolar, I would not be able to function in society without medication, but I have pretty strong feelings about medication - especially psychiatric - and try to avoid it when possible.
Certain emotions that have absolutely no positive value of any kind exist - and one of those is anxiety. If you suffer from that - and I know those that do - and fortunately I seem to get a more relatively mild dose of it than others - my suggestion is - yes - take something to calm down and do it quickly. If you can meditate it away that is fine, and for me Kava tea works well, but I just don't see anything positive about a sustained fear state unless it is a real life flee response to a life threatening danger - and for most of us that is not the case. Personally I don't think pills are the answer to everything. So when this time of year comes up, and I start to feel some pretty strong feelings of sadness, some suggest that I should get on medication to make it go away. After all - we aren't supposed to feel sadness, are we? We are just supposed to be "happy smiling faces" who go to work when we are told, buy presents we are told, be fun people to hang out with, say the right things, do the right things, and most importantly - think the right thoughts. The phrase "one dimensional" comes to mind here.
Well - my conclusion on this experience I have at this time of year, even though I will not call it my favorite time of year, is that it is necessary. It is like the ying and yang as spring and summer tends to be a very inspirational time of year, and if I can get through the two bad hay fever allergy months, and slap on some mosquito repellant and not be one of the West Nile Virus stats, it is a time when I can be outside in my yard, playing my guitar, enjoying the amazing outdoor air and sights that accompany it in the rural setting that I am FORTUNATE enough to live in, and I guess if I had my way, it would just stay that way all year. Technically that is my "manic" time of year, but unlike my experience of my adolescence, it is grounded in that I can still work, be myself, be respectful toward others and not a major overall nuisance, things I was not able to do when I thought it was cool to make a major nuisance of myself and antagonize others at that time in my life. But (too many "but"s I find in proof-reading this - although I do like big ones) the one thing I do share with the adolescent experience is that sense of spiritual connectedness, when life seems like a miracle and whatever forces of nature, spirit, and Goddess may or may not exist, do seem very real and inspirational to me and in my mind they are very moving. I often feel during those times like finally after all these years of suffering I am starting to get it, that happiness can be a very real state and that the world of the spirit can be lived in without a major price tag (of substances or altered states where one "can't come down") to be paid. So if summer and spring is the yin, than I guess this time of year is the yang from my perspective.
Now that I have my heavy duty Blue Max desk light - I notice I am not consumed with sadness every day. If I have rested well and spent an adequate amount of time in front of the light, I can come in here and sit down with my guitar during a winter day and almost believe it is summer. Yet (instead of the original worded "but") - there are days when that is not the case - and I notice my emotions are those of grief and sadness - where I feel like given the right opportunity and setting I could cry for a long time. I kind of feel like I am walking around with a raw open emotional wound. In the summer the family was gone for two weeks and I had a great time with one of my visiting friends (known here as Mr. L) and I didn't really miss them at all, but they were gone for less than a week at Thanksgiving and I missed them to the point where it was almost painful. I do feel more needy at this time of year, like I want to be hugged and held by any warm and welcome female who is willing to send one out to me (like it or not this responsibility falls upon my wife here) and that I could just sink into this hug for hours on end and soothe that open wound that comes out.
So what exactly is this grief about and where does it come from? There are so many places I could go with this, and although on paper I could probably write a thesis about it, the most honest answer when it comes down to it - is I don't really know. Was the way I was raised? Possibly, probably - there is some connection there - but it is like something you try to focus in on and the more you focus in on any one particular thing, the more you may be missing out on something else you never even bothered to consider. One of my earlier posts was about grieving about the loss of family connectedness. Is it just something inherited - like a cheerful or non-cheerful gene, an inherited mental illness so to speak? Well - maybe so. Or maybe it is some combination of nature and nurture. I guess after a while what it comes down to for me is that the reason itself starts to not matter so much. All that matters is here it is - now in the present - and how it got there specifically is like that elusive truth Nietzsche talks about, and once you zero in on what appears to be the answer on one level, you are just putting up blinders on another in ruling out other possible answers - and my best class I ever had taught me that all answers just consist of additional questions anyways - so to keep a truly open mind you never settle for the most convenient answer at the time that disguises itself as the truth.
All I know is this regarding my sadness - it is here - it is now - and in my experience there is a reason for it. I just have come to realize and accept that while spring, summer, and even early fall are often seasonal times of meditational joy and inspiration for the most part, that late fall and early winter are a time of grief and tears, and maybe accepting this is better than reaching for the nearest pharmaceutical remedy that treats basic emotional human feelings as an illness to be cured. The Buddhists say that an interpretation of an emotion is just as important as the emotion itself. So it is one thing to be sad, but when on top of that there is this interpretation like - Oh My God -- I am feeling sad - that is a bad thing and must be stopped immediately - - I just don't see how that helps the situation much and it can turn an initial emotion into an avalanche of force. We are naturally equipped with our emotions, and when I go where my sadness takes me instead of fighting it, on some level I realize that it is a very necessary part of human existence, even if it is not number one on the menu as a selection. I need my grief to balance me, to keep me grounded, to remember where I come from - and on some level when my grief arrives, I am thankful that it is there to keep me from going too far down the road with my joy - as that road leads to imbalance, out of control ego states, and a much harder crash in days to come - as I now know. My grief keeps me in check, lets me remember an essential part of who and what I am, and as long as those around me don't take it as a personal reflection of their actions (which unfortunately for them some do) - then there is no harm in it. It feels right on many levels. I may want to rest more - put on some Pink Floyd, sing some of the sadder Grateful Dead selections (such as the title song of this blog) or take a long walk with the dogs (you heard right - as in TWO now) in the snow. Please try to forgive me if I am not the best company this time of year - but overall - I have come to realize - sad does not equal bad. Grief and tears are a part of life - and to me the true pity lies with those consumed with such a macho state that they don't allow themselves the healing outlet of tears because it is not supposed to be manly. That to me is sad, not the natural expression of sadness itself.
As the song says and I am not going to take the time to link it - but you can do that yourself - "it's my party and I'll cry if I want to". But this one is even better:
To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time for every purpose, under heaven
A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep
posted by Zook at 4:44 AM
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