It's even worse than it appears

I know the rent is in arrears
The dog has not been fed in years
It's even worse than it appears
but it's all right

Every week I decide to do this the first task is to pick out a topic and then find the right song lyric to start it out. So this week I get a 1 on a scale of 1 to 10 for originality in going with the lamest, most topical subject out there - that being the year in review. I am not going to go chronological and cover everything month by month, more go with the individual subjects at hand and even throw in more song lyrics to cover each one as a mini topic. Some, if not most of this, may be somewhat repetitive - as chances are I have already addressed each subject, so consider this the year end summary of what has already been thrown out here over the last year. Seeing that this year has been somewhat challenging, Touch of Grey, the lyric for the title line, seemed like a good place to start - mainly because it was quite a challenge this year in particular, dealing with my daughter:

Sara, Sara,Whatever made you want to change your mind?
Sara, Sara,So easy to look at, so hard to define

I was telling Sara last night that even if Sara might not have been her first choice for a name, she got a pretty nice Bob Dylan song out of it - one that from what I know he dedicated to his wife of the time - so it was a lot better than being named Emma - as the only Emma song I know of is by Frank Zappa and called Big Leg Emma - not nearly as flattering. Going back to the posts from this summer - the 4 trips to the hospital in the middle of the night, resulting in two emergency room stays, one emergency room reject, one two night hospitalization, many more doctor's visits, and enough decibels of screaming to challenge any nearby airplane approaching a run way near you - that whole experience was up there with one of the most difficult things I have ever been through. Part of what made it frustrating is the notion that there are no actual doctors out here in Northern Nevada, as all of the real doctors have already moved to Chicago, and instead we just have a bunch of lay persons who pretend to be doctors, but do not actually have an MD or any qualifications of any kind - or at least so I am told. Yet even the pretend doctors we did see - who were for the record - much more unqualified to practice than any of their Illinois counterparts - even if they really were doctors - did get to the end of the mystery eventually - or at least apparently - in concluding that the very real symptoms appeared to be for the most part psychologically driven, as there were no actual symptoms revealed in the endoscopy test (we had to settle for the local version, since it would have been a better test in Illinois) - and although we can speculate that hanging out with a certain child friend probably did not help a lot, we still don't know absolutely for certain what happened. From the looks of it now though, it was mainly anxiety and two months of not telling Mommy what was going on, when normally Mommy is told of absolutely anything and everything under the sun that is happening. The symptoms still surface from time to time at a mainly lower level - and like an earthquake it is possible it could return again, but two things are important from my perspective. First of all - I think the mystery is somewhat solved as to what was going on. Food allergies - what she did have at one point - were also ruled out which helped as well. Number two though is that all of us got through this, at times when it seemed we were falling apart. The talks of moving to Chicago to have the real doctors take over - once again - for the 10 zillionth time - proved to be nothing but just that - talk - and it is a testament to our marriage that we are still here together when it appeared that something as upsetting as this ordeal was going to threaten it. Almost 2,000 dollars or so later I have finally paid off the last portion of this out of pocket, so it did have a definite financial as well as emotional impact upon us. But getting back to marriage now - here is the next subject:

Marriage is a two-headed transplant,
Sometimes thats how it seems.
When the sex wears off its all give and take,
And its good-bye to all your dreams.
One head wants to go to a movie
While the other wants to stay at home,
And just like a two-headed transplant
You get the feeling that youre never alone

It may not sound like the most flattering portrait of marriage, but in reality - that is about right for not only this marriage, but maybe to some degree all of them. Some of my wife's numerous pursuers who have held out hopes that they would win the prize even after she was with me have made some observations about our marriage - often describing it as a "fucked up marriage" and a "farce". My response to those descriptions would be "okay - and your point is...?" Whoever said taking two people and sticking them together was an easy process. In every relationship there is going to be inevitable conflict. Most will go through a honeymoon phase, but eventually the above described initial thrill of sex does wear off for most of us anyways, along with any possible infatuation along the way, and then you are left with two people to deal with each other on the level of human beings who see each other for what they are, warts, armpits, farts, sweat and all. Behind all of the love songs we are brainwashed in hearing in our youth that tell us our savior or messiah will arrive to complete us in the act of love, is the final realization that nobody can really do this for us and we are on our own. Once this realization occurs, we can either move on, file for divorce, have numerous secret affairs, or just face the fact that love is a need on some level that cannot be satisfied outside of us. Look at the Dalai Lama - a pretty seemingly together and happy dude who has been celibate for his entire life and doesn't seem to me to be particularly upset about that notion, and there is an example if you want one that true fulfillment comes from within, not without. So a successful marriage is one where to some degree both realize and accept that they are lonely and together at the same time, together in their loneliness, and both can be there for each other in the way that they can, with the final realization that it is not happily ever after the way we are led to believe, and that frustration and dis-satisfaction are going to be inevitable anywhere in anything long term. Even if you chase that love somewhere else, eventually you are in the "and then what" phase where you are back where you started. Now I do know of some who keep getting that rush from numerous affairs and if that is what works - go ahead and do it. All I can say about us and our "fucked up marriage" is that using a legal term I was introduced to in one of my claims courses "res ipsa loquitur" (probably spelled wrong) - meaning - it speaks for itself - what speaks for itself is we are still together. As many times as both us have wanted to leave for greener pastures - and will continue to want to - and will continue to think of the "d" word during the numerous disputes we have over some of the stupidest things you can imagine, we are still here. My daughter asked me if we were gettting a divorce last time we got into it. I assure her that we want to be there for her, but in the scheme of things - who can really say what will happen - starting from whether we will even be alive next week? I wish I could say we have come to a new realization where we just love the crap out of each other constantly, and maybe at times that will be a phase we go through - but in the end, I haven't figured it out - would be the last to say I have an answer for myself, our marriage, or anything for that matter. When things go south it is just as frustrating now as it ever was. One observation I do have is that at least from my side of it, it seems we get over it quicker, don't hold grudges as long, maybe even don't take it as personally when we do have our inevitable disputes. So maybe that is a sign of progress right there.

The offered me the office, offered me the shop
They said I'd better take anything they'd got
Do you wanna make tea at the BBC?
Do you wanna be, do you really wanna be a cop?
Career opportunities are the ones that never knock
Every job they offer you is to keep you out the dock
Career opportunity, the ones that never knock

Just about this time last year I went from my typical busy to stressful crazy mode at my job. I had been busting it all year with the assurance that I was going to have a support guy during the crazy winter time, and after hearing that all year, it turned out to be one guy coming up for a couple days, not months as initially promised. One of many morale assaults and false promises I endured during my stay at my job. A head hunter and an incredibly cheesy one ( kind of an oxymoron along with "fucked up marriage" - "cheesy headhunter") let me know of another job just when I was being bombarded with medical bills for the daughter's ordeals and had just put down 300 to pay as down payment for the endoscopy. As the story goes, I went semi-manic knowing of an opportunity that looked much better, and was strung along and hung out to dry this summer, before finding out about another one just recently that low and behold actually did pan out. It is almost mind boggling to believe that my employer since July of 1989 who has fronted my paycheck for nearly "half of my life" will be ending their reign of my life this coming Friday. Everyone I have talked to tells me the new employer has a great reputation as a place to work for (which my present employer does not) and from the outside it is hard to imagine this as anything but an amazingly positive development. Still - I have to keep my head - because there is no guarantee in anything and I do have to prove myself. The new guy I am training here now - a real nice charismatic guy who happens to live somewhat nearby - has been calling me "Flash" when he sees how fast I fly on the computer during an inspection, to the point where I have all reports, photos, diagrams, and estimates locked and ready to e-mail out when I am heading out the door - and this is something that not everyone can handle as quickly as I do. I know some say I type fast (although not as fast as many trained admin. asssitants) - but anyone who follows me - to be blunt and somewhat cocky about it - knows that I know my shit. I just do. Sure there is a flaw somewhere - I am not a construction expert by any stretch - but I can get out my product quickly and effeciently, and most people who meet me think I am a nice guy, because I try hard to give them a good experience when I come out, and even go the extra mile like I did at 4:15 Friday, feeling completely burned out, somewhat sick, and exhausted from a combination of covering an average of 200 miles a day for 4 days - even in that delirious state I made the crawlspace inspection in Sparks, Nevada - one that involved crawling head on into the dirt where every type of ominous looking spider web covered the entry way - I just did it because it was the right thing to do and I got to get a picture of a very disgusting set of mold infested floor joists along the way. They will miss me where I work because I am a model worker - I try hard, know the software, know how to put it together quickly, and I always have been and will be the go to guy. With that in mind - if I am a betting man here - I bet on myself because although I can't guarantee anything, I think the new folks did hire the right guy - the perfect guy - and it is just a matter of showing them what I already know. So I am quietly confident, although cautious at the same time, going into the new place that I am going to earn my paycheck and come into a better situation than I have been in for a long time. Comparing it to 365 days ago - it is a pleasant contrast for certain, and I would like to extend my thanks for the man and lady upstairs for their share in helping me get there.

Gone are the days we stopped to decide
Where we should go, We just ride
Gone are the broken eyes we saw through in dreams
Gone - both dream and lie

I had to pause for a second to think of an applicable line to describe my spiritual state - but in starting with the Grateful Dead, I "might as well" end with them. "I have spent my life" looking inward, and you can only see so much when you do - but I think overall I am in a pretty good state now, even with the extra weight put on during the holidays and overall crappy feeling I have inevitably in gutting through the low amount of daylight at this time of year ( a whopping 9 hours and 25 minutes). This year, and over the last couple of years, I have composed some pretty good stuff on a musical level - and even have had a compliment or two in what I write here. I am not out to make money doing this - I will leave that to others. My creativity in song writing and writing in general is designed for one thing and one thing only - to express myself in a way that makes me a better person. If it entertains or inspires another on the way - that is awesome - but money is not part of the equation and I don't want anything to corrupt the process. When I write my song, it is not to impress others or to make money - I already know how to do that with my paycheck job, which also has its creative outlets on the way. In tuning into myself the way I really have been able to ever since moving to this house, I have not only felt more spiritually connected for the most part at this phase of my life than any other, I have also written more of my own personal favorite "go to" songs at this time of my life than any I can think of. If there is one message I want to drive home to myself, brainwash myself with - it is that I am a good guy and that I do believe in myself, despite a life time of thoughts and emotions that have existed to the contrary - and still do. So this month - instead of referring to myself as a fat pig for putting on the pounds I did, instead it is that's okay - we'll knock some down after a resolution or two. When I fuck something up - as I will inevitably as any human being does - I want to assure myself that it's okay, life goes on - that I still believe in who and what I am. As a lot of our personality characteristics are here for life - I believe we learn to live with our "flaws" and work within the parameters of who we are, rather than trying to change into something we can never really ever be outside of who we really are. So I can still be described as a "fucked up" guy in a "fucked up" marriage, and I am never going to pretend to be the most together person in the world. I will still freak out over something stupid, get angry over something that does not warrant it, get into an anxiety attack over something insifnificant in the scheme of things, and go through my spells of depression and sadness - but as the very first song I listed here today says in three plane words: IT'S ALL RIGHT. I think overall I am getting more comfortable in my own skin, believing in myself to the point of grounded confidence instead of false and temporary ego inflation. I feel humble and grateful for all of the many miracles life has to offer, from my human and animal companions who share a home with me, to the "wonders of nature" in seeing an incredible sunset or moon rise over the mountains. The older I get, and the closer to death in the process - whenever that day may be - I am more grateful for the simple plain fact of being alive to experience what life does have to offer, from within my own skin and mind. I have food to eat, a place to sleep, I am not alone, and I feel the presence of a higher being. Nothing is perfect - but on some level it is perfect in its imperfection, and the notion of a perfect marriage or life - in believing what one of those things is suppposed to be - as opposed to what it actually is - that notion is what screws us up. I believe in who I am and what I am doing, and I cannot always say that was the case in my life. My task in life is to continue to do that so that I can inspire myself and maybe a person or two outside of myself along the way. And with that - about an hour and a half into the start of this writing - I now say Happy New Year and may your journey along the way be as rewarding as mine is now.