Nobody's fault
"My mother she taught me how to read, my mother she taught me how to read
If I don't read my soul gets lost
Nobodys fault but mine"
Once in a while somebody makes the comment that I am a "know it all". It is one thing to have a response to grade school level name calling, another to claim that I know everything, which in fact, I never have done once. When it comes to the amount of information that is out there in the world, I would be surprised if I knew even one millionth of it. I like to think I know myself, but considering how much there is to the psyche and unconscious, I am barely scratching the surface. The fact that I have an opinion, which I share here, does not mean I know everything. I guess when somebody can't make their point any other way, they result to name calling. And when that doesn't work, go the "kick your ass" card - and then volunteer someone else to do it. The best way to get me to "shut up" is to not read what I write. Chances are if you read this enough, it is bound to offend you in some way or push a button. That is not what I intend - but I am not going to restrain my thoughts in order not to do that. There are millions of other places to go if this is one of the places that upsets you. If you continue to read here and be pissed off by what you read, that is your problem because it is none of mine - as a dude named Pigpen once said. Personally if something doesn't interest me, I don't read it - which is why again - I don't read other blogs because I have yet to find one that does.
My wife thought my expression on my dislike of cruises was in poor taste, considering the circumstances. Well - I will say it again - the concept of a cruise to me is nauseating. That doesn't mean I have any problem with anyone who enjoys going on a cruise, fishing, heading to church, or doing anything that I don't choose to do. All I am saying is it is not for me. Whether or not I choose to subject myself to a week of hell for the benefit of others at a future time, I still have time to mull over.
But now to the subject matter at hand - the two words "nobody's fault". I had a girlfriend who I lived with about 12 years ago - she may not be the one who posted the brilliant name calling comment a couple posts back - although it sounded like her - but anyways - circumstances were - we came together in a state of mutual desperation. I already had read enough of her letters to me to know she was troubled, but we had a connection, both mental and physical - from the beginning. Victoria often comments that it is too bad we could not stay together - but it all comes down to this - my ex put on an unknown amount of weight after moving in with me - she says 60 pounds, but it might have been closer to 100 - I don't know. If I had complained about it - which I never did - she would have accused me of not liking a heavy person. But instead, I was accepting and supportive of her - and what she ended up doing was blaming me for putting on the weight she did put on . That is why I did not last with her, and nobody has - and as long as she thinks this way - nobody will - because everything that happens to her is somebody else's fault. Like my favorite radio show host - Jim Rome - said about golf player Colin Montgomery (he blamed America for his weight gain) - nobody crept up on him and put a gun to his head and demanded he put twinkies down his throat - he did it himself. I have struggled with weight, so I know it isn't easy - but I can't blame anyone else for it.
I am not saying I have never thought this way. When I saw a shrink around 1992 after my "Heather-gate" work incident that almost got me booted from my job - he had me convinced that my folks were some of the worst ever and in response I got very angry, stopped speaking to them, went around just fuming with rage at everything they had subjected me. I believed my mother's influence appeared to be sending me into relationships with domineering women that would not last, and then back into times of being alone where I was lonely and miserable. I believed that this was their fault and I hated them for it. I do not deny there is a link between the way we are raised and the life we live. Even now, I still believe we marry our opposite sex parent, and Victoria in my mind is a lot like my mother, even though both of them will never exactly be best friends. I do believe the way I was raised shaped and affected my personality - so that if my parents have issues with how I am or any of us are - they need to look in the mirror and see their contribution to whatever they have an issue with now.
All the same - whatever demons are there now - whatever insecurities, lingering neuroses, fears, depressions, confidence issues - they are my deck of cards now. They are the hand dealt to me. It serves me no purpose to blame my parents because blaming them will not change the present situation. I can look around and try to blame others in my life. Marital partners are always a prime target for what is going wrong in one's life - the only problem there is even if I have an issue with my wife, I chose her. If I don't like what she is doing - and most of us are not going to change too much - I can choose not to be with her. But if I stay with her, that is my choice as well. She brought home a can of "Peanut Roca" that I ended up mostly eating - and probably gained a couple pounds in the process. Is it her fault that she brought them home, or my fault for eating them?
Then there is the issue of self-blame - and that is counter productive as well. That is when you go ahead and say - all right - I was a god damn pig and ate the candy - it is my fault. What I am doing is creating this entity in my head - that I call me - and beating myself up for doing something - and then in blaming there as well, I get down on myself, don't like what I am - and then continue to make bad decisions and behave badly because that is the end result of not liking myself. So that is why I like "nobody's fault" because once fault is out of the equation, it is a matter of just - here it is and how can I deal with it.
Now time for the spiritual spin on this. I have too many bad associations with Judaism to continue practicing it - and I respect and admire those in my family and outside of it that still do - if it works, do it - and it does have an influence on my thinking - I just am not limited to it. I really like the archetypal idea of Christ being on the cross, even if I am not a Christian. I like the notion that our suffering leads to our exaltation, that no matter how bad it is or appears to be that there is an eventual rising that comes through with perseverance. Tie this in with the notion of karma - which is also a favorite of mine - and this is how I see it - everything in life, but particularly our challenges, tough times, struggles - is part of an individual karma. I don't really get too much into the past life thing - just because I have no way of relating to it. Maybe I have had a past life and maybe I will have a future one, but to me when I think of karma I think of it as a life lesson. I don't see it as punishment. If somebody beats you up or rapes you, it is not because you deserve it - nobody deserves it. But once something bad does happen in your life, whatever it is - and maybe it is something ongoing, there is a way to turn it into a positive, just like the torturous suffering of crucifixion becomes a positive rising in Christianity.
I personally believe - that where I am - right now - this very moment - is where I am meant to be. Maybe it is an unpleasant situation. Maybe I want to be somewhere else. Maybe I am looking at where I am standing and am convinced that my surroundings suck, that the desert landscape is ugly, that I don't like the people around me - that I want to run from them - that once I get somewhere else everything will be better. The cities of Seattle and Chicago come to mind for some that I know. Who is to say - maybe that is the case. Still - as long as you are standing where you are, then that is your reality now. Maybe you would like to run away - that notion is appealing to me at times - no more responsibility, worrying about what fund I am going to borrow from next to keep up with the bills, no worry about impressing people or holding a job to keep up with the mortgage - I will just take off somewhere and never come back. But where am I going to go to? And most importantly, if it is part of my karma/life lesson to face all this - than is running away the answer? Probably not. Personally - I see the desert as a beautiful and inspiring place - but that is just me.
I know life is hell at times - mine certainly has been and continues to be at times. At the same time, I am not a starving displaced refugee in Darfur living in constant fear of genocide either. If I am sitting at a computer in front of me, with a light on, electricity, food, running water - I already am blessed right there to have that - in a world where many don't even know if there will be enough food to eat that day. I saw a picture of these refugees on the news yesterday - they didn't look too happy.
There was an athlete on the Jim Rome show - unfortunately I don't remember his name, but it is an amazing story. He started as an athlete who had an accident, then he was a paraplegic after an accident, but overcame that and won many events. Then he had another accident and now he is a lifelong quadriplegic. He did become a drug addict, but overcame that. And when you hear him interviewed - and he really believes this - he is grateful for every minute alive, even though he is wheelchair bound and often in constant pain. His philosophy is we are all cripples in our own way, in our own wheelchair and he makes the best of what he has while he is here. He believes there is more to life than what his body is. If someone like that can come to this conclusion with all he has to face, than why can't one of us do that as well?
I believe a lot of our suffering comes from a notion of believing that something is supposed to be this way - we have a pre-conceived notion of marriage based on all the bullshit in the media, especially around this time of Valentine's Day. We have a notion of how it is supposed to be to raise a child -or believe once we provide our childeren with the things we did not have, they will be eternally grateful and thankful. That is when over there starts to look good, somebody else's marriage, somebody else's child, somebody else's life. At that time we become our own worst enemies, because we can't see how lucky and blessed we are to even be alive at all, even if it is a life spent facing a very difficult and consuming life challenge. Here we are at home, our child is sick, and she is a terror when she is sick - we are low on sleep, exhausted and irritated. Nobody said it was going to be easy. But still - the smile on her face, times she gives me a hug, her innocence and playfulness - that can make it all worth it. Maybe she is not an easy child, maybe I was not either, maybe it is my "fault" as a result - or - maybe it just is the way it is. A neighbor down the street has an autistic child who has screaming fits - I really don't know how she does it. But we make the best of what we have, unpleasant as it is or may be at times.
Well - I have run out of steam here, and probably offended a few more people along the way. Still it is nice to know that some people - mostly friends and family - read this on a semi-regular basis - when obviously there is a choice to read something else. For the most part, the feedback is positive so it is always good to hear from those of you who seem to like what I have to say - even if they are "miles" apart from those of you who don't.
Going back to spirituality, to conclude - I want to steal a line from Michael Franti - who I will be watching tomorrow night in person - reflecting my belief that all of us (not just one) are the sons and daughters of the God and Goddess:
"Every bit of land is a holy land and
Every drop of water is a holy water
Every single child is the son or the daughter of the
One earth mama and the one earth papa"
If I don't read my soul gets lost
Nobodys fault but mine"
Once in a while somebody makes the comment that I am a "know it all". It is one thing to have a response to grade school level name calling, another to claim that I know everything, which in fact, I never have done once. When it comes to the amount of information that is out there in the world, I would be surprised if I knew even one millionth of it. I like to think I know myself, but considering how much there is to the psyche and unconscious, I am barely scratching the surface. The fact that I have an opinion, which I share here, does not mean I know everything. I guess when somebody can't make their point any other way, they result to name calling. And when that doesn't work, go the "kick your ass" card - and then volunteer someone else to do it. The best way to get me to "shut up" is to not read what I write. Chances are if you read this enough, it is bound to offend you in some way or push a button. That is not what I intend - but I am not going to restrain my thoughts in order not to do that. There are millions of other places to go if this is one of the places that upsets you. If you continue to read here and be pissed off by what you read, that is your problem because it is none of mine - as a dude named Pigpen once said. Personally if something doesn't interest me, I don't read it - which is why again - I don't read other blogs because I have yet to find one that does.
My wife thought my expression on my dislike of cruises was in poor taste, considering the circumstances. Well - I will say it again - the concept of a cruise to me is nauseating. That doesn't mean I have any problem with anyone who enjoys going on a cruise, fishing, heading to church, or doing anything that I don't choose to do. All I am saying is it is not for me. Whether or not I choose to subject myself to a week of hell for the benefit of others at a future time, I still have time to mull over.
But now to the subject matter at hand - the two words "nobody's fault". I had a girlfriend who I lived with about 12 years ago - she may not be the one who posted the brilliant name calling comment a couple posts back - although it sounded like her - but anyways - circumstances were - we came together in a state of mutual desperation. I already had read enough of her letters to me to know she was troubled, but we had a connection, both mental and physical - from the beginning. Victoria often comments that it is too bad we could not stay together - but it all comes down to this - my ex put on an unknown amount of weight after moving in with me - she says 60 pounds, but it might have been closer to 100 - I don't know. If I had complained about it - which I never did - she would have accused me of not liking a heavy person. But instead, I was accepting and supportive of her - and what she ended up doing was blaming me for putting on the weight she did put on . That is why I did not last with her, and nobody has - and as long as she thinks this way - nobody will - because everything that happens to her is somebody else's fault. Like my favorite radio show host - Jim Rome - said about golf player Colin Montgomery (he blamed America for his weight gain) - nobody crept up on him and put a gun to his head and demanded he put twinkies down his throat - he did it himself. I have struggled with weight, so I know it isn't easy - but I can't blame anyone else for it.
I am not saying I have never thought this way. When I saw a shrink around 1992 after my "Heather-gate" work incident that almost got me booted from my job - he had me convinced that my folks were some of the worst ever and in response I got very angry, stopped speaking to them, went around just fuming with rage at everything they had subjected me. I believed my mother's influence appeared to be sending me into relationships with domineering women that would not last, and then back into times of being alone where I was lonely and miserable. I believed that this was their fault and I hated them for it. I do not deny there is a link between the way we are raised and the life we live. Even now, I still believe we marry our opposite sex parent, and Victoria in my mind is a lot like my mother, even though both of them will never exactly be best friends. I do believe the way I was raised shaped and affected my personality - so that if my parents have issues with how I am or any of us are - they need to look in the mirror and see their contribution to whatever they have an issue with now.
All the same - whatever demons are there now - whatever insecurities, lingering neuroses, fears, depressions, confidence issues - they are my deck of cards now. They are the hand dealt to me. It serves me no purpose to blame my parents because blaming them will not change the present situation. I can look around and try to blame others in my life. Marital partners are always a prime target for what is going wrong in one's life - the only problem there is even if I have an issue with my wife, I chose her. If I don't like what she is doing - and most of us are not going to change too much - I can choose not to be with her. But if I stay with her, that is my choice as well. She brought home a can of "Peanut Roca" that I ended up mostly eating - and probably gained a couple pounds in the process. Is it her fault that she brought them home, or my fault for eating them?
Then there is the issue of self-blame - and that is counter productive as well. That is when you go ahead and say - all right - I was a god damn pig and ate the candy - it is my fault. What I am doing is creating this entity in my head - that I call me - and beating myself up for doing something - and then in blaming there as well, I get down on myself, don't like what I am - and then continue to make bad decisions and behave badly because that is the end result of not liking myself. So that is why I like "nobody's fault" because once fault is out of the equation, it is a matter of just - here it is and how can I deal with it.
Now time for the spiritual spin on this. I have too many bad associations with Judaism to continue practicing it - and I respect and admire those in my family and outside of it that still do - if it works, do it - and it does have an influence on my thinking - I just am not limited to it. I really like the archetypal idea of Christ being on the cross, even if I am not a Christian. I like the notion that our suffering leads to our exaltation, that no matter how bad it is or appears to be that there is an eventual rising that comes through with perseverance. Tie this in with the notion of karma - which is also a favorite of mine - and this is how I see it - everything in life, but particularly our challenges, tough times, struggles - is part of an individual karma. I don't really get too much into the past life thing - just because I have no way of relating to it. Maybe I have had a past life and maybe I will have a future one, but to me when I think of karma I think of it as a life lesson. I don't see it as punishment. If somebody beats you up or rapes you, it is not because you deserve it - nobody deserves it. But once something bad does happen in your life, whatever it is - and maybe it is something ongoing, there is a way to turn it into a positive, just like the torturous suffering of crucifixion becomes a positive rising in Christianity.
I personally believe - that where I am - right now - this very moment - is where I am meant to be. Maybe it is an unpleasant situation. Maybe I want to be somewhere else. Maybe I am looking at where I am standing and am convinced that my surroundings suck, that the desert landscape is ugly, that I don't like the people around me - that I want to run from them - that once I get somewhere else everything will be better. The cities of Seattle and Chicago come to mind for some that I know. Who is to say - maybe that is the case. Still - as long as you are standing where you are, then that is your reality now. Maybe you would like to run away - that notion is appealing to me at times - no more responsibility, worrying about what fund I am going to borrow from next to keep up with the bills, no worry about impressing people or holding a job to keep up with the mortgage - I will just take off somewhere and never come back. But where am I going to go to? And most importantly, if it is part of my karma/life lesson to face all this - than is running away the answer? Probably not. Personally - I see the desert as a beautiful and inspiring place - but that is just me.
I know life is hell at times - mine certainly has been and continues to be at times. At the same time, I am not a starving displaced refugee in Darfur living in constant fear of genocide either. If I am sitting at a computer in front of me, with a light on, electricity, food, running water - I already am blessed right there to have that - in a world where many don't even know if there will be enough food to eat that day. I saw a picture of these refugees on the news yesterday - they didn't look too happy.
There was an athlete on the Jim Rome show - unfortunately I don't remember his name, but it is an amazing story. He started as an athlete who had an accident, then he was a paraplegic after an accident, but overcame that and won many events. Then he had another accident and now he is a lifelong quadriplegic. He did become a drug addict, but overcame that. And when you hear him interviewed - and he really believes this - he is grateful for every minute alive, even though he is wheelchair bound and often in constant pain. His philosophy is we are all cripples in our own way, in our own wheelchair and he makes the best of what he has while he is here. He believes there is more to life than what his body is. If someone like that can come to this conclusion with all he has to face, than why can't one of us do that as well?
I believe a lot of our suffering comes from a notion of believing that something is supposed to be this way - we have a pre-conceived notion of marriage based on all the bullshit in the media, especially around this time of Valentine's Day. We have a notion of how it is supposed to be to raise a child -or believe once we provide our childeren with the things we did not have, they will be eternally grateful and thankful. That is when over there starts to look good, somebody else's marriage, somebody else's child, somebody else's life. At that time we become our own worst enemies, because we can't see how lucky and blessed we are to even be alive at all, even if it is a life spent facing a very difficult and consuming life challenge. Here we are at home, our child is sick, and she is a terror when she is sick - we are low on sleep, exhausted and irritated. Nobody said it was going to be easy. But still - the smile on her face, times she gives me a hug, her innocence and playfulness - that can make it all worth it. Maybe she is not an easy child, maybe I was not either, maybe it is my "fault" as a result - or - maybe it just is the way it is. A neighbor down the street has an autistic child who has screaming fits - I really don't know how she does it. But we make the best of what we have, unpleasant as it is or may be at times.
Well - I have run out of steam here, and probably offended a few more people along the way. Still it is nice to know that some people - mostly friends and family - read this on a semi-regular basis - when obviously there is a choice to read something else. For the most part, the feedback is positive so it is always good to hear from those of you who seem to like what I have to say - even if they are "miles" apart from those of you who don't.
Going back to spirituality, to conclude - I want to steal a line from Michael Franti - who I will be watching tomorrow night in person - reflecting my belief that all of us (not just one) are the sons and daughters of the God and Goddess:
"Every bit of land is a holy land and
Every drop of water is a holy water
Every single child is the son or the daughter of the
One earth mama and the one earth papa"
posted by Zook at 5:56 AM
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