You didn't hear it
You didn't hear it, you didn't see it!
You won't say nothin' to no one, Ever in your life.
You never heard it.How absurd it all seems, without any proof!
You didn't hear it, you didn't see it!
You never heard it, not a word of it!
You won't say nothin' to no one, Never tell a soul what you know is the truth!
My older brother Phil took me to see the movie Tommy when I was just a kid and it made quite an impression on me. My parents took me to see the play version when I was in college and I liked that too. In the scene, young Tommy is traumatized by his mom having an affair and then the Dad walking in, only to have Dad murdered upon his discovery by the lover, so the mom and lover yell at the boy and tell him it never happened, and Tommy proceeds to go deaf, dumb, and blind as his way of dealing with such a troubling event. Thanks to all who took me to see a version of that - I appreciate it. With that said, stop reading right here - because I am about to re-hash the same thing I have re-hashed here time after time that some of you don't really care to read about. Not that I take pleasure in this, but what I write about here is what is on my mind and the proposed re-union of my family has been on my mind lately - probably more than it should be, but apparently it takes quite a bit of effort to convince some that I in fact definitely will not be attending - and this writing is a way of stating my case, for those who may or may not be interested.
I identify with Tommy - I felt like the first half of my life I was deaf, dumb and blind to my own emotions and feelings, since I had a very limited capability of expressing them at the time. I did not have an environment where I was allowed to express them. Kind of like in a hard line dictatorship country, if you went against the party line there was hell to pay. So - the first half of my life - living at home - in between the unpleasant events - I remember kind of a dull empty numbness as the main emotion I experienced - maybe in trying to tune everything out the same way Tommy did, that was how I got by.
On one level, I am past blaming those who raised me entirely since on a rational level, I buy into the spiritual notion that we choose our situations, past and present, and even on a karma level. I am not a victim of my past if it was the past that was meant for me, and I believe it was. All the same, at a time in my past I did not have any choice about my surroundings, and what is now different is I do have the choice of what I can experience. Emotionally however, when certain unresolved emotions spring to the surface, I know I do feel a certain amount of rage and blame, even if I know I should not rationally feel those things based on my beliefs. Proposed re-unions have a way of sending me back to that dark place in my psyche.
For better or for worse, I grew up around the dominant caretaker personality classified by my last therapist as "borderline". That is my experience, and everything that I have experienced supports that notion. In my mind it really happened - unless someone went back and just re-loaded my memory banks for me (like the robots in a Twilight Zone episode) - and I have no reason to believe my memory is lying to me, although - who knows what is real in the scheme of things. I trust my own memory and as you all know - growing up in my house was not exactly a picnic. Studying the concept of borderline - switching from unpredictable extremes, just imagine if you do not know from day to day if you are going to experience love or hatred, pleasant conversation or vengeful screaming, whether the ground beneath your feet will be there or crack into an infinite amount of pieces beneath you. That was my experience growing up - I had to go through it, it shaped who I am and who I always will be, and in addition to maybe having a few loose screws in place through genetics to start with, my nurturing environment definitely added a few more twists to the equation. That is the way it was, even if it was nobody's fault in particular, as I realize all tried their best, but it doesn't mean I am going to come out and say it never happened.
I don't re-write my history, I tell it the way I see it and the way I remember it, for better or for worse. My memory is that any time something troubling happened, I was then told it never happened, which is quite confusing to say the least, and the reason I chose the song from Tommy. If I reported my experience, I was lying, I was exaggerating, and those who told me this as a reflection of their own denial would not listen to anything else - and to this day, they still don't believe me - which is fine. Wherever you are coming from - that is up to you. This happens to be where I am coming from though. Spending years of therapy and trying to sort it out, it has given me a model to work with and allowed me to make some changes to try to fix what is broken.
When I stop and wonder why the idea of being around my family at the age of 41 leaves me feeling depressed, angry, and anxious - to an extreme - all at the same time - I have to ask - why do those feelings arise? Not even going up on a tall roof does that to me any more, but the idea of being around my family - as a whole - does set me off . Never mind that one of my brothers and my sister really don't care for me all that much - or what I represent to them anyways - that is the way it is and I can't change that. Do I deserve this - maybe so or maybe not. Some of this is for actions committed when I was 4 years old, and at that time in my life, I would argue I was not really in control of myself too well. Other reasons have nothing to do with me altogether. But it doesn't matter - we are a distant family, we always will be, most of us choose to communicate with each other as rarely as possible - and that is just the way it was meant to be - I have long given up on trying to change it - for every time I do, I just am disappointed - and who needs that. I can handle any member of my family individually - but when I get them altogether, it brings me back to the point where I had the instability of not knowing what extreme I would be thrown into, and it is pretty unpleasant. It is like choosing to "step into the freezer" when there is another option of a nice sunny day to experience. My Dad does not like boiled carrots because it reminds him of the poverty he experienced when he grew up. I am not having a misery competition here and I am grateful I did not grow up in material poverty, but I grew up in emotional poverty. Family reunions to me are what boiled carrots are to him.
Quite frankly - growing up was not all that much fun for me. When my family is together, I return to that state - and although I had to be there then, I really have no interest in being there now. There is nothing therapeutic or cathartic about it, it just brings me to a lot of emotions buried deep in my psyche that make my life harder than it needs to be. If I could draw a sketch of my life, the happiest times (with the exception of being stoned out of my mind on pot) in my life were away from my family. I moved to San Diego - 100 miles away - life got a little better, although it had its ups and downs. I moved out to the Reno area, and this has been the happiest time overall I can think of. Now - the idea of being around them - even knowing an event is a good year and months away, plants the seed in my head, and then my mind is racing - should I do it out of guilt, do I owe those who raised me this - should I do it because I am supposed to, or should I do what I want? And the answer I come to - as selfish as it sounds is - what I want comes first. I can't be there for anyone if I am not there for myself, like the Dead song says:
There are times when you get hit up on,Try hard but you cannot give.
Other times, you'd gladly part with what you need to live.
This is doing what I need to do for my own sanity and well being. I can start with good intentions, thinking sure - I will just play along, but then that passive aggressive rage starts erupting like a demon within me, and once I am locked in with a commitment than I find myself getting angry at those who I made the agreement with, and then I want to say fuck you and back out of it, and by then the cost of the cruise is shot, I don't go anyways, and then everyone is real pissed off - more so than they are if I just stop the avalanche from erupting while it is just a snowball. I know how my mind works and I know where the train is going, so instead of going through all that hell, I just say - no - forget it - this is not what I want. It has taken me a long time to figure out what I want, and when I tried to live for my parents one time, it just brought me to death's door. I don't want to be around an environment that brings me back to the uncertainty of my former life, I don't really want to be around people who don't care for me to begin with, and I don't want to go the Tommy route and hear about how much of a happy close family we all are and watch those making that pronouncement get ripped on booze while making these sentimental pronouncements, since drinking is their way of coping with such an unnatural and uncomfortable event. I don't drink any more, so I can't join the party. At this point in my life - I just want to take care of myself and be happy. As a child I didn't know how to do that, now I am slowly learning how to, and I know what I need and want. I don't need this.
As far as family re-unions go, any situation where I am not locked in, committed with loads of time to dwell on it - would possibly fly. That is how I was able to see my folks last summer - no pressure - no commitments, it felt right the day of the trip and I went with it - and it went pretty well from what I remember. Hell - let's all meet up at the Bucket of Blood Saloon in Virginia City - I won't have to put my animals in a kennel, won't have to stress out about traveling - it is just down the street and what place could be more fitting for my family. Drinks are on me - I'm buying. Okay - probably ain't gonna happen, but me stepping foot on a boat isn't either. For those who are going on this trip - I really hope you have a good time. Just because I feel this way doesn't mean you should, if that is your thing and you are meant to experience this, who am I to tell you what to do or not do. All I ask is that you do the same - don't hold me hostage for the family experience, the last one ever - we never were a family and half of the time I heard very negative messages about my brothers and sisters. Step up and accept that preaching those messages is not going to plant the seeds for a close family. 40 years later, loading up on booze and having us all sit around a table feeling very uncomfortable will not change what always was and always will be. It reminds me of the Cats in the Cradle song. From my perspective anyways, you would have to be deaf, dumb and blind to see it differently than that.
You won't say nothin' to no one, Ever in your life.
You never heard it.How absurd it all seems, without any proof!
You didn't hear it, you didn't see it!
You never heard it, not a word of it!
You won't say nothin' to no one, Never tell a soul what you know is the truth!
My older brother Phil took me to see the movie Tommy when I was just a kid and it made quite an impression on me. My parents took me to see the play version when I was in college and I liked that too. In the scene, young Tommy is traumatized by his mom having an affair and then the Dad walking in, only to have Dad murdered upon his discovery by the lover, so the mom and lover yell at the boy and tell him it never happened, and Tommy proceeds to go deaf, dumb, and blind as his way of dealing with such a troubling event. Thanks to all who took me to see a version of that - I appreciate it. With that said, stop reading right here - because I am about to re-hash the same thing I have re-hashed here time after time that some of you don't really care to read about. Not that I take pleasure in this, but what I write about here is what is on my mind and the proposed re-union of my family has been on my mind lately - probably more than it should be, but apparently it takes quite a bit of effort to convince some that I in fact definitely will not be attending - and this writing is a way of stating my case, for those who may or may not be interested.
I identify with Tommy - I felt like the first half of my life I was deaf, dumb and blind to my own emotions and feelings, since I had a very limited capability of expressing them at the time. I did not have an environment where I was allowed to express them. Kind of like in a hard line dictatorship country, if you went against the party line there was hell to pay. So - the first half of my life - living at home - in between the unpleasant events - I remember kind of a dull empty numbness as the main emotion I experienced - maybe in trying to tune everything out the same way Tommy did, that was how I got by.
On one level, I am past blaming those who raised me entirely since on a rational level, I buy into the spiritual notion that we choose our situations, past and present, and even on a karma level. I am not a victim of my past if it was the past that was meant for me, and I believe it was. All the same, at a time in my past I did not have any choice about my surroundings, and what is now different is I do have the choice of what I can experience. Emotionally however, when certain unresolved emotions spring to the surface, I know I do feel a certain amount of rage and blame, even if I know I should not rationally feel those things based on my beliefs. Proposed re-unions have a way of sending me back to that dark place in my psyche.
For better or for worse, I grew up around the dominant caretaker personality classified by my last therapist as "borderline". That is my experience, and everything that I have experienced supports that notion. In my mind it really happened - unless someone went back and just re-loaded my memory banks for me (like the robots in a Twilight Zone episode) - and I have no reason to believe my memory is lying to me, although - who knows what is real in the scheme of things. I trust my own memory and as you all know - growing up in my house was not exactly a picnic. Studying the concept of borderline - switching from unpredictable extremes, just imagine if you do not know from day to day if you are going to experience love or hatred, pleasant conversation or vengeful screaming, whether the ground beneath your feet will be there or crack into an infinite amount of pieces beneath you. That was my experience growing up - I had to go through it, it shaped who I am and who I always will be, and in addition to maybe having a few loose screws in place through genetics to start with, my nurturing environment definitely added a few more twists to the equation. That is the way it was, even if it was nobody's fault in particular, as I realize all tried their best, but it doesn't mean I am going to come out and say it never happened.
I don't re-write my history, I tell it the way I see it and the way I remember it, for better or for worse. My memory is that any time something troubling happened, I was then told it never happened, which is quite confusing to say the least, and the reason I chose the song from Tommy. If I reported my experience, I was lying, I was exaggerating, and those who told me this as a reflection of their own denial would not listen to anything else - and to this day, they still don't believe me - which is fine. Wherever you are coming from - that is up to you. This happens to be where I am coming from though. Spending years of therapy and trying to sort it out, it has given me a model to work with and allowed me to make some changes to try to fix what is broken.
When I stop and wonder why the idea of being around my family at the age of 41 leaves me feeling depressed, angry, and anxious - to an extreme - all at the same time - I have to ask - why do those feelings arise? Not even going up on a tall roof does that to me any more, but the idea of being around my family - as a whole - does set me off . Never mind that one of my brothers and my sister really don't care for me all that much - or what I represent to them anyways - that is the way it is and I can't change that. Do I deserve this - maybe so or maybe not. Some of this is for actions committed when I was 4 years old, and at that time in my life, I would argue I was not really in control of myself too well. Other reasons have nothing to do with me altogether. But it doesn't matter - we are a distant family, we always will be, most of us choose to communicate with each other as rarely as possible - and that is just the way it was meant to be - I have long given up on trying to change it - for every time I do, I just am disappointed - and who needs that. I can handle any member of my family individually - but when I get them altogether, it brings me back to the point where I had the instability of not knowing what extreme I would be thrown into, and it is pretty unpleasant. It is like choosing to "step into the freezer" when there is another option of a nice sunny day to experience. My Dad does not like boiled carrots because it reminds him of the poverty he experienced when he grew up. I am not having a misery competition here and I am grateful I did not grow up in material poverty, but I grew up in emotional poverty. Family reunions to me are what boiled carrots are to him.
Quite frankly - growing up was not all that much fun for me. When my family is together, I return to that state - and although I had to be there then, I really have no interest in being there now. There is nothing therapeutic or cathartic about it, it just brings me to a lot of emotions buried deep in my psyche that make my life harder than it needs to be. If I could draw a sketch of my life, the happiest times (with the exception of being stoned out of my mind on pot) in my life were away from my family. I moved to San Diego - 100 miles away - life got a little better, although it had its ups and downs. I moved out to the Reno area, and this has been the happiest time overall I can think of. Now - the idea of being around them - even knowing an event is a good year and months away, plants the seed in my head, and then my mind is racing - should I do it out of guilt, do I owe those who raised me this - should I do it because I am supposed to, or should I do what I want? And the answer I come to - as selfish as it sounds is - what I want comes first. I can't be there for anyone if I am not there for myself, like the Dead song says:
There are times when you get hit up on,Try hard but you cannot give.
Other times, you'd gladly part with what you need to live.
This is doing what I need to do for my own sanity and well being. I can start with good intentions, thinking sure - I will just play along, but then that passive aggressive rage starts erupting like a demon within me, and once I am locked in with a commitment than I find myself getting angry at those who I made the agreement with, and then I want to say fuck you and back out of it, and by then the cost of the cruise is shot, I don't go anyways, and then everyone is real pissed off - more so than they are if I just stop the avalanche from erupting while it is just a snowball. I know how my mind works and I know where the train is going, so instead of going through all that hell, I just say - no - forget it - this is not what I want. It has taken me a long time to figure out what I want, and when I tried to live for my parents one time, it just brought me to death's door. I don't want to be around an environment that brings me back to the uncertainty of my former life, I don't really want to be around people who don't care for me to begin with, and I don't want to go the Tommy route and hear about how much of a happy close family we all are and watch those making that pronouncement get ripped on booze while making these sentimental pronouncements, since drinking is their way of coping with such an unnatural and uncomfortable event. I don't drink any more, so I can't join the party. At this point in my life - I just want to take care of myself and be happy. As a child I didn't know how to do that, now I am slowly learning how to, and I know what I need and want. I don't need this.
As far as family re-unions go, any situation where I am not locked in, committed with loads of time to dwell on it - would possibly fly. That is how I was able to see my folks last summer - no pressure - no commitments, it felt right the day of the trip and I went with it - and it went pretty well from what I remember. Hell - let's all meet up at the Bucket of Blood Saloon in Virginia City - I won't have to put my animals in a kennel, won't have to stress out about traveling - it is just down the street and what place could be more fitting for my family. Drinks are on me - I'm buying. Okay - probably ain't gonna happen, but me stepping foot on a boat isn't either. For those who are going on this trip - I really hope you have a good time. Just because I feel this way doesn't mean you should, if that is your thing and you are meant to experience this, who am I to tell you what to do or not do. All I ask is that you do the same - don't hold me hostage for the family experience, the last one ever - we never were a family and half of the time I heard very negative messages about my brothers and sisters. Step up and accept that preaching those messages is not going to plant the seeds for a close family. 40 years later, loading up on booze and having us all sit around a table feeling very uncomfortable will not change what always was and always will be. It reminds me of the Cats in the Cradle song. From my perspective anyways, you would have to be deaf, dumb and blind to see it differently than that.
posted by Zook at 6:46 PM
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