This is my street...
This is my street, and I’m never gonna to leave it,
And I’m always gonna to stay here
If I live to be ninety-nine,
’cause all the people I meet
Seem to come from my street
And I can’t get away,
Because it’s calling me, (come on home)
Hear it calling me, (come on home)
Ray Davies/The Kinks - Autumn Almanac
I hate to sound dramatic, though I have a flare for that - but the way I feel about where I live comes down to this - other than leaving this area in a body basket, that is the only way I will leave it. I love Victoria and Sara more than anything, and I would do ALMOST anything for them, but leaving this area and moving to hell is not an option. After doing some research on the area, calling someone I vaguely know who lives in the area, checking on line with real estate prices - first of all, I simply can't afford it - that is - unless we want to severely drop our current standard of living - but more than anything - I belong here. Maybe it is completely irrational and it does not make much sense to someone who can't relate to this, but I feel like I live in an area which is paradise ("Like an angel, standing in a shaft of light,rising up to paradise, I know I'm gonna shine")
I am often a person who tends toward the depressed side (as I was on a typical Saturday yesterday) and my own wife and some of my friends have placed the irrevocable "fragile" label on me, and I need to be here - that simple. Maybe my loved ones need to be somewhere else - and I can get that too. "Whatever makes her happy, I won't stand in the way (B Dylan)" - if Victoria needs to live out there to be with that ever elusive and all supporting "family" of hers - the same family that quite frankly has not DONE SHIT for her EVER - well - so be it. I hereby extend a life time pass for her to be there as much as she wants and needs to be, but in the words of John Lennon "don't you know that you can count me out". At this point our future is now as it always has been in the hands of fate. I can only do my part, and no more. I cannot rescue her from her dilemma - although quite frankly, I have been praying frantically for her - but my own self-decapitation is not the answer to her problems. Our relationship - like death itself - is always one day away from arriving at its final destination - life on the edge so to speak, but I guess that is what makes its fun in its own little way.
But getting back to this area - "I can't explain, I think it's love", "statements just seem vain at last" why I love it so much. Maybe it borders on the manic and irrational side of me, but there are times when I am walking my dog in the valley here, or driving through the area - the mountains, ever expanding blue skies, pine trees, valleys, waters - and I feel just completely inspired - and for me that is church - inspiration ("move me brightly") whatever you want to call it. It kind of feels like having died and gone to heaven ("but even the rainbows will end"), and I feel completely at one with my surroundings - and I have never really felt that anywhere before this (some times during my "manic" phase in San Diego, but this type of "mania" is much more manageable to be certain) - and every instinct in me tells me I belong here - now and forever to my dying day. My next song I am playing with is on the notion of wanting to spend my dying day here, whenever that may be, whether it is tomorrow or 50 years away - I want to die where my dog Amit died, here in this valley with the mountains and desert air surrounding me. Whether this is "selfish" or not because it does not tie in with the views of this place with my wife, well - who knows - all I know is we all are where we need to be - THIS - is where I need to be, and she is going to have to decide for herself where she needs to be on her own. I can only live my own life, and be there to support her in every way I possibly can, but not to the point where moving to another place away from the home I love would make me borderline suicidal - that is not going to accomplish anything for anyone.
A little change from the topic here, but my prayers seem to have done something. One of our valued friends, who we tend to clash with at times (her name is also a musical instrument and she is an admitted reader of this blog) finally came around and realized that I was right and she was wrong (okay not exactly like that) but bottom line is our cold spell appears to be over and we are all friends again, and maybe my prayers had something to do with that. Who knows - but we are glad to have her back - she is one of our best friends out here and we are very fortunate to know her. We love you - thanks.
Victoria also has met a Colombian friend from the gym and despite her attempts to scare her away (telling her in a joking manner that she was "on drugs" was not a good move at all) they still seem to be civil, they even had lunch together. Never mind that this woman is highly materialistic and traditional, you can't have everything. We also met a nice lady at a neighbor's house who seems to be another free spirit and there is potential there too - so maybe prayer works after all. I heard from an old friend from my gas buddy days who has followed a similar path to mine - she fell in love with someone from the site also, it almost threatened her marriage, but like me - she went into counseling and was able to save her marriage from the wrecking yard. It is also encouraging to know that others have been down that same dark road and managed to come out on the other side.
Well - that is about enough for Sunday morning. I am hoping we get to go out to a beautiful canyon by Yerington today, as it never happened yesterday - but I did discover there is an amazing topper for a mattress at Costco which makes an amazing difference in comfort for sleeping.
And I’m always gonna to stay here
If I live to be ninety-nine,
’cause all the people I meet
Seem to come from my street
And I can’t get away,
Because it’s calling me, (come on home)
Hear it calling me, (come on home)
Ray Davies/The Kinks - Autumn Almanac
I hate to sound dramatic, though I have a flare for that - but the way I feel about where I live comes down to this - other than leaving this area in a body basket, that is the only way I will leave it. I love Victoria and Sara more than anything, and I would do ALMOST anything for them, but leaving this area and moving to hell is not an option. After doing some research on the area, calling someone I vaguely know who lives in the area, checking on line with real estate prices - first of all, I simply can't afford it - that is - unless we want to severely drop our current standard of living - but more than anything - I belong here. Maybe it is completely irrational and it does not make much sense to someone who can't relate to this, but I feel like I live in an area which is paradise ("Like an angel, standing in a shaft of light,rising up to paradise, I know I'm gonna shine")
I am often a person who tends toward the depressed side (as I was on a typical Saturday yesterday) and my own wife and some of my friends have placed the irrevocable "fragile" label on me, and I need to be here - that simple. Maybe my loved ones need to be somewhere else - and I can get that too. "Whatever makes her happy, I won't stand in the way (B Dylan)" - if Victoria needs to live out there to be with that ever elusive and all supporting "family" of hers - the same family that quite frankly has not DONE SHIT for her EVER - well - so be it. I hereby extend a life time pass for her to be there as much as she wants and needs to be, but in the words of John Lennon "don't you know that you can count me out". At this point our future is now as it always has been in the hands of fate. I can only do my part, and no more. I cannot rescue her from her dilemma - although quite frankly, I have been praying frantically for her - but my own self-decapitation is not the answer to her problems. Our relationship - like death itself - is always one day away from arriving at its final destination - life on the edge so to speak, but I guess that is what makes its fun in its own little way.
But getting back to this area - "I can't explain, I think it's love", "statements just seem vain at last" why I love it so much. Maybe it borders on the manic and irrational side of me, but there are times when I am walking my dog in the valley here, or driving through the area - the mountains, ever expanding blue skies, pine trees, valleys, waters - and I feel just completely inspired - and for me that is church - inspiration ("move me brightly") whatever you want to call it. It kind of feels like having died and gone to heaven ("but even the rainbows will end"), and I feel completely at one with my surroundings - and I have never really felt that anywhere before this (some times during my "manic" phase in San Diego, but this type of "mania" is much more manageable to be certain) - and every instinct in me tells me I belong here - now and forever to my dying day. My next song I am playing with is on the notion of wanting to spend my dying day here, whenever that may be, whether it is tomorrow or 50 years away - I want to die where my dog Amit died, here in this valley with the mountains and desert air surrounding me. Whether this is "selfish" or not because it does not tie in with the views of this place with my wife, well - who knows - all I know is we all are where we need to be - THIS - is where I need to be, and she is going to have to decide for herself where she needs to be on her own. I can only live my own life, and be there to support her in every way I possibly can, but not to the point where moving to another place away from the home I love would make me borderline suicidal - that is not going to accomplish anything for anyone.
A little change from the topic here, but my prayers seem to have done something. One of our valued friends, who we tend to clash with at times (her name is also a musical instrument and she is an admitted reader of this blog) finally came around and realized that I was right and she was wrong (okay not exactly like that) but bottom line is our cold spell appears to be over and we are all friends again, and maybe my prayers had something to do with that. Who knows - but we are glad to have her back - she is one of our best friends out here and we are very fortunate to know her. We love you - thanks.
Victoria also has met a Colombian friend from the gym and despite her attempts to scare her away (telling her in a joking manner that she was "on drugs" was not a good move at all) they still seem to be civil, they even had lunch together. Never mind that this woman is highly materialistic and traditional, you can't have everything. We also met a nice lady at a neighbor's house who seems to be another free spirit and there is potential there too - so maybe prayer works after all. I heard from an old friend from my gas buddy days who has followed a similar path to mine - she fell in love with someone from the site also, it almost threatened her marriage, but like me - she went into counseling and was able to save her marriage from the wrecking yard. It is also encouraging to know that others have been down that same dark road and managed to come out on the other side.
Well - that is about enough for Sunday morning. I am hoping we get to go out to a beautiful canyon by Yerington today, as it never happened yesterday - but I did discover there is an amazing topper for a mattress at Costco which makes an amazing difference in comfort for sleeping.
posted by Zook at 7:02 AM
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