Fare thee well, fare thee well I love you more than words can tell

This is officially my last post here. For whatever reason - too much negativity has been expressed to too large of an audience, particularly my family. It has been a nice experiment and I don't regret it, but it seems like I am starting to repeat myself. I will still keep up with my writing, it just won't be here!!

A couple new pics

We spent the day at Tahoe and I actually got into the water and swam with the kids - this is one of Sara's best friends from school - a great kid

New martial artist to be - she is going to kick your ass - so watch out

Darkness, darkness, no color no contrast

Darkness
Wonder makes it easy
Darkness With a joyful mask
Darkness Tube's gone,
darkness, darkness, darkness
No color no contrast

Every self-help book I have ever read speaks of the virtue of forgiveness, moving on, leaving the past in the past and living in the present. These are great words of wisdom, and if you can live by them, you are definitely better off. Just in my experience, it doesn't work - not entirely. I know I have given it a try. I know I want to think I am somewhat self-aware and have made progress to the point that I can feel this. Just some wounds - they are so deep - that they don't seem they will entirely ever heal. I remember my brother came visit me 3 times in about a 2 year period - and there is a history of mutual hurt and friction between us. Every time he came to visit something came up that got him very upset, whether it was something said or done by another member of the family, or myself - it always seemed to happen. The intention was noble, and I admire him for doing it, and I know he wanted to feel the past was something that could be overcome as well. Clearly though the fact that these things happened was an indication that was not the case.

I know I have read so many times that those who I believe inflicted my wounds upon me - had their own problems, they did the best they could, it was not their fault and just to be grateful for the things they did. And really - it is not that gratitude is not there, because it is. But if you imagine a scab - buried deep in your psyche, and every time it looks like that scab is starting to harden from its original bloody mess, every time it looks like it is starting to get better, somehow or another it is picked at and it starts oozing and pussing all over again right when it seems like it was getting better.

So - clearly this is happening now - and really the best way I have found to deal with it, as screwed up as it sounds to others - is just minimize the contact with those where the association is there. Maybe it sounds cold, maybe it sounds hateful, maybe it sounds unforgiving - but the way I see it - if the hurt and anger is there - and clearly it is - and if I am not at the level of awareness and enlightenment where I can get past it - which also seems to be the case - than why continue to subject myself to it? So lately that has been my strategy - avoidance of those that bring it on - because even the smallest amount of contact seems to bring it right back. When I decided to not go on the boat ride that will happen next summer, I am sure some saw that as disrespectful, spiteful, downright shitty. One of my best friends told me I knew myself pretty well because I could see right down the road of all of the emotions I would be riding leading up to the boat ride, never mind the actual ride itself. They were the same emotions I had last time the family got together, surges of anger, resentment, feelings of being trapped, dread - just generally not the greatest feelings. I know myself - those feelings are there if I place myself in that situation again. They are an emotional trap waiting to be sprung. So I just know that rather than to throw myself into that trap, I am better off walking around it. Ironically enough it means I have an easier time getting along with these people - my family - if I am not placed in those situations.

Ideally I would be over it, ideally I would move on, ideally I would forgive and forget and be past all this. Maybe to some degree I have forgiven, but there is no way I can ever forget, even if I want to. Our emotions are real and I feel these things, whether I want to or not. Emotions and physical pain are there to tell us something - to remove your hand from a burning stove - and in this case, they are warning me ahead of time not to throw myself into a disastrous situation. I have to listen to them, even if I don't particularly like what they are saying about my own psyche. I want to be "in the light", I want to live a life of love - love is my highest ideal. But if I really want to know who I am, I have to pay heed to the darkness as well. There is no doubt in my mind that it is alive and well inside of me.

Have I offended someone?

Have I offended someone is a compilation of music by Frank Zappa - but also an interesting concept. How do you offend someone really - unless you reach a part of somebody that is already offensive - in that case isn't somebody really offending themselves on their own and using your words or actions as an excuse? That is my conclusion - and the reason I don't sweat it too much when I receive a complaint from someone I know. On a professional or business level, it is entirely a different matter - because on a professional level it is rare that I receive a complaint from anyone. In fact overall I am pretty well liked. But on a personal level, it can happen when I am not even trying or intending to.

I sent an e-mail reply to someone I know and this person complained to my wife that it was too business like. Okay...so I forgot to put a smiley face on it - did I do something wrong? Well - no - but it was perceived that way. Do I have any regrets that I didn't throw in more cheese and mush in the e-mail? No - sometimes I am just not in the mood for that. So I offended someone without trying there. I hate to say it, but as Pigpen once said, something to the effect that is your fault because it is none of mine. Maybe I am offending this person even more by writing this now.

Let's go to birthdays - to me a birthday was a big deal at age 10. Now it is just another day, a reminder that I am one day closer to being 6 feet under the clay with angels to lay me away. So I don't give it a lot of thought. The whole concept of a birthday, marking age by how many times the planet has gone around the sun, is somewhat arbitrary. So needless to say I did not keep score of those who told me happy birthday and those who did not. Some in my family did, some did not and I honestly have to scrape my memory to even remember which ones did or did not. I did not give it a lot of thought. Yet I was told I was making a statement by not remembering or honoring someone's birthday - and I get the feeling this person put a lot of effort into feeling shunned, disrespected or dis-honored for my oversight. In my mind - if there is too much of an effort going into something, I am not doing it. It has to happen naturally, otherwise it is forced. That is how I approach writing. Never mind that my daughter was screaming and flailing in a hospital recently and maybe I was pre-occupied. Some times I just don't think about it, have other things going on - and maybe if you think the world revolves around you only, you don't see where I am coming from. But low and behold, it was an oversight - not a "statement" of any, way shape or from. If everyone else you know remembered your b-day, you could look at the glass half full and be thankful for those who did remember, or go glass half empty and dwell on and focus on the one(s) who didn't. In that case, maybe you take every single action, or inaction as a slight or disrespect. Maybe in turn you are often disrespectful to others, as you feel it is your right, but you demand complete and utter respect from everyone in spite of that. In that case I would label you as impossible to please, and no matter what I do you are going to find something wrong with it. That being the case - why bother to try? So again - other than writing this out, I am not going to worry about it too much, because no matter what I do, it won't be good enough.

The reality is this - self-sacrifice is admirable in concept, but if you aren't somehow or another first fulfilling yourself it transforms into martyrdom and resentment. So if I am seen as a selfish bastard, maybe I need to be a little selfish before I can give back - after all - I can't give anything back if there is not first anything in my heart or soul to give. So these days, I am out to take care of myself, because nobody else is going to. I don't ask you to take care of me, and I probably coud not take care of you even if I wanted to. As far as my interaction with anybody, it is a clean slate - I owe you nothing, and likewise, you owe me nothing. Forget about the past - (I try to anyways) the past is gone - it is just now. Same applies to the future - it means nothing, we don't even know if we will be alive tomorrow. So I will not be "held hostage" as my manger used to say, to either one. It is just today - and today I need to take care of myself. I am not going to participate in an event that I know I will hate, because maybe others will be pleased to see me there. I need to play my music, pray, meditate, remind myself how much love is there around me - and work where I want to, and live where I want to. These are not luxuries, they are essential for my own survival and well being. Once I get my essentials met, then I can do the secondary sacrifices, take care of my family, be there as much as I can for my wife and daughter. Again - I am not chopping off my own head and moving to a place I will hate in the vain hope that others might be pleased by this - because I already know I belong here. If my wife does not belong here, she is free to go where she does. I really don't want her to leave, but I can't take it too personally if she does. We all have our path to follow, some times they converge, some times they separate. It may sound cold, but it is the way it is. Self de-capitation does not really accomplish anything.

So for those who are offended by what I have done in the past, may be offended by what I do in the future, and even those offended by what I am writing right now - I am quite sorry you feel that way, but what you see is what you get with me. I am who I am and I make no excuses for it. If you want to get along with me, that's great. Take me as I am, and I will do the same with you. Just don't ask me to accommodate any special requests, try to please you, or try to be a royal kiss ass about it - because it just isn't who I am. In return, you will know that when I say or do something for you, it came from my heart and did not come out of grudging obligation. What I am really isn't all that bad as far as I am concerned - and that really is what is important. As one of my favorite author says, I am the main character in my story, but just a projected supporting actor in yours. It really doesn't matter in the end what you think, because you are not even really seeing me to begin with. I wish I could take on the world and solve everyone else's problems, but these days it seems I have quite enough of my own to contend with:

You gotta live life for yourself
Can't live life for anyone else
You gotta live life, that's all you do
Nobody gonna live your life for you

Keep your Day Job

Not a popular song among Dead Heads - but I always liked it. Anyways - I know people who talk about where they work on their blogs can get into trouble. So I am going to take a big risk here. Obviously my real name is not on here and I am not going to say where I work either. People who know me know the name. What I am going to say is I have waited my whole life to have this job. I always liked my field - it allowed me to get out of the office, have some flex time with my family, drive around in an often inspiring landscape through the Sierras and the desert. Unfortunately my last company thrived on labor exploitation, pushing you to your limit, and treating you like a piece of shit that should just be thankful to have a job while the managers and big wigs thrived off your misery. They lost me - and they are possibly going to lose my replacement as well - which I would love to see happen, not out of revenge as much as he might come over and join us here too and I would like to work with him again after training him on the way out the door over THERE.

I am making more money - which does not seem to matter because I haven't saved a cent and the financial assault just keeps on coming - but that is okay because I would be even worse off on the salary I had before. A financial assault is somewhat relative - as I know some who possibly by their own choosing are in a far more challenging situation than I am - and not to judge, because whatever works for you who am I to say, but all I know is I have always been conservative financially and I try to keep the combined house balance to a minimum. So that is my choice anyways, but kind of a side track.

This company is a great company to work for, they make you feel valued, they don't try to work you to death - although obviously you are paid to get a job done, and quite frankly I am very capable of doing it. It does feel good to get compliments from my manager and other people I work with, and I do like to feel appreciated - I mean - who doesn't? Sure at the beginning it was incredibly frustrating and the first month was like one continuous Murphy's Law, but I am on my 7th month now and it is coming together. I stay in touch with a friend from my last company and every time I hear about it I just can't believe how lucky I am to not be there and to be here. I keep on thinking I am going to be waking up from a dream - I mean - something this good can't be real, can it? I keep waiting for something bad to happen, but it doesn't. This company is pretty strong financially, they aren't going anywhere, and as long as you do what they ask of you they treat you as part of the family. I am not naive - I mean I know they profit off my work - but I have no problem with that at all as long as I am treated well in the process. And they seem to know to have the good people who work for them to make them profitable, that treating them right is the way to go about it, unlike the somewhat fucked up neurotic company where I spent a good 17 years of my life working. I "did my time and paid my dues" there, but it is sure nice to have weekends free, have my driving area (no more California trips) reduced, not worry about the phone going off in the middle of the night to drive to some place freezing cold at 3 in the morning, or to have to deal with auto body shops in any way shape or form.

So maybe I am doing something right after all. Maybe I am finally hitting a wave of good karma here. Sure I am middle aged, the family continues to drain me and it is not the happily ever home situation here, but I have to count my blessings - I am not divorced, I own my house (even if I can't imagine ever paying it off), I have a great job, and I have semi-religious experiences a few times a week when there is enough warmth and sun-light out to allow me to grab my guitar and play in the backyard - which is usually about 9 months out of the year. (I am going to treat myself to a new guitar this year - if all of my paycheck is flying out the door anyways for things outside of my immediate wants, I might as well do something for myself). My health is good - all groin and shoulder strains aside (I actually strained my arm swimming at the hotel in Vegas a couple weeks back - the real sign of an old man). Sure the 220 cholesterol was a wake up call, but I am eating healthier now - really watching the cholesterol content in everything - cutting out the eggs and eating a lot less meat. Those spare 20 pounds won't go away, but I still feel good. Over all - I can't complain about too much - except for the vet bills, except for my wife wanting to move back to Chi-town, except for the all of Sara'a medical and psych bills....okay okay, I really can't complain about too much in the scheme of things. When your work situation is good, your outlook is positive and you love the place you live in, it has a way of making every other obstacle in life seem easier to take.

Burning with optimism's flames

Song title from an old tune by XTC. Being an optimist is new to me - I have spent most of my life - at least half anyways - being very pessimistic and thinking happiness does not exist. Now that has changed, even though there are many things to be upset about right now if I let them pull me in. Sara's problems continue - I see that they are not as severe as last year and I think they will improve. The animals - and I know some will be critical of this - but yes - they all seem to be a money drain requiring more and more veterinarian visits. I don't like it - I walk out of the vet office pretty upset at times, but life goes on. I guess even the money drain could be worse, and it is all karma anyways, and a chance to reflect that it could be worse. More may come out then comes in at times, but it finds a way to balance out and I believe somehow or another it will let up or get better. I am around some very negative people at times, okay - I am married to one - and she is clearly not happy and thinks she would be happier somewhere else . She thinks Sara would have a better chance of healing in Chicago then here. Maybe so - maybe not. I personally would rather her stay here, but maybe they head out there for a few months to find out - maybe even longer than that. Not much I can do about it - if it has to happen, then why resist it. All I can do is focus on what is going on inside me - and try to be as positive as I can with the messages I send myself. Maybe it carries over to others, maybe not. All you can do is try. I am almost done with my latest recording - 50 minutes in anyways - and they are all tunes I wrote from this year. They are all like medicine to me - they speak to a part of me that has been hungry for this message for years. If anything will ultimately stand out to me for this time period, that will be it for me - these songs and the power they have over me to see the brightness of life that Monty Python talks about in Life of Brian.

There it is - short and sweet - time for a walk now.

Another song

This one was meant to be something that might inspire my Sara - who you can see performing at her play today here . So far only words are available:

Sara (7-11-07)


Sara our sweet-heart, our beautiful love
Sara our gift from the heavens above
A glowing spirit like the moon in the sky
Believe in your spirit, you can soar you can fly

We love you so much, but you must love yourself
It comes first from you, alone and nobody else
Just say Sara I love you a few times a day
Don’t dwell upon others, who don’t see it your way

Some times life can be painful, but pain goes away
You won’t always feel, what you’re feeling today
It is just a small pain, everyone takes a fall
Believe it will pass, and you won’t feel it at all

The great spirit has blessed you, with a beautiful heart
A beautiful soul, a face a work of art
A playful spirit that lets you laugh, love sing
A warrior’s strength to get you through everything

The animals, creatures, even spiders your friends
Every spirit a blessing that the Goddess sends
Nothing can hurt you, if you start to believe
That you’re blessed and protected, all the monsters will leave

Some times it’s so frustrating, that you just want to cry
But you can do anything, if you just give it a try
And just keep on trying, don’t you ever go up
You can play great music, everybody will love

Your life is a blessing, it is never a curse
You might think you are punished, but it could be worse
It is just a life trial, that we all go through
You are going to survive, just like we all do

Embrace the beautiful day, the enchanted night
Don’t bow down to the pain, stand up and give it a fight
Your life has so much potential, that we call can see
Sara you can be whatever you want to be