Fare thee well, fare thee well I love you more than words can tell

This is officially my last post here. For whatever reason - too much negativity has been expressed to too large of an audience, particularly my family. It has been a nice experiment and I don't regret it, but it seems like I am starting to repeat myself. I will still keep up with my writing, it just won't be here!!

A couple new pics

We spent the day at Tahoe and I actually got into the water and swam with the kids - this is one of Sara's best friends from school - a great kid

New martial artist to be - she is going to kick your ass - so watch out

Darkness, darkness, no color no contrast

Darkness
Wonder makes it easy
Darkness With a joyful mask
Darkness Tube's gone,
darkness, darkness, darkness
No color no contrast

Every self-help book I have ever read speaks of the virtue of forgiveness, moving on, leaving the past in the past and living in the present. These are great words of wisdom, and if you can live by them, you are definitely better off. Just in my experience, it doesn't work - not entirely. I know I have given it a try. I know I want to think I am somewhat self-aware and have made progress to the point that I can feel this. Just some wounds - they are so deep - that they don't seem they will entirely ever heal. I remember my brother came visit me 3 times in about a 2 year period - and there is a history of mutual hurt and friction between us. Every time he came to visit something came up that got him very upset, whether it was something said or done by another member of the family, or myself - it always seemed to happen. The intention was noble, and I admire him for doing it, and I know he wanted to feel the past was something that could be overcome as well. Clearly though the fact that these things happened was an indication that was not the case.

I know I have read so many times that those who I believe inflicted my wounds upon me - had their own problems, they did the best they could, it was not their fault and just to be grateful for the things they did. And really - it is not that gratitude is not there, because it is. But if you imagine a scab - buried deep in your psyche, and every time it looks like that scab is starting to harden from its original bloody mess, every time it looks like it is starting to get better, somehow or another it is picked at and it starts oozing and pussing all over again right when it seems like it was getting better.

So - clearly this is happening now - and really the best way I have found to deal with it, as screwed up as it sounds to others - is just minimize the contact with those where the association is there. Maybe it sounds cold, maybe it sounds hateful, maybe it sounds unforgiving - but the way I see it - if the hurt and anger is there - and clearly it is - and if I am not at the level of awareness and enlightenment where I can get past it - which also seems to be the case - than why continue to subject myself to it? So lately that has been my strategy - avoidance of those that bring it on - because even the smallest amount of contact seems to bring it right back. When I decided to not go on the boat ride that will happen next summer, I am sure some saw that as disrespectful, spiteful, downright shitty. One of my best friends told me I knew myself pretty well because I could see right down the road of all of the emotions I would be riding leading up to the boat ride, never mind the actual ride itself. They were the same emotions I had last time the family got together, surges of anger, resentment, feelings of being trapped, dread - just generally not the greatest feelings. I know myself - those feelings are there if I place myself in that situation again. They are an emotional trap waiting to be sprung. So I just know that rather than to throw myself into that trap, I am better off walking around it. Ironically enough it means I have an easier time getting along with these people - my family - if I am not placed in those situations.

Ideally I would be over it, ideally I would move on, ideally I would forgive and forget and be past all this. Maybe to some degree I have forgiven, but there is no way I can ever forget, even if I want to. Our emotions are real and I feel these things, whether I want to or not. Emotions and physical pain are there to tell us something - to remove your hand from a burning stove - and in this case, they are warning me ahead of time not to throw myself into a disastrous situation. I have to listen to them, even if I don't particularly like what they are saying about my own psyche. I want to be "in the light", I want to live a life of love - love is my highest ideal. But if I really want to know who I am, I have to pay heed to the darkness as well. There is no doubt in my mind that it is alive and well inside of me.