Have I offended someone?

Have I offended someone is a compilation of music by Frank Zappa - but also an interesting concept. How do you offend someone really - unless you reach a part of somebody that is already offensive - in that case isn't somebody really offending themselves on their own and using your words or actions as an excuse? That is my conclusion - and the reason I don't sweat it too much when I receive a complaint from someone I know. On a professional or business level, it is entirely a different matter - because on a professional level it is rare that I receive a complaint from anyone. In fact overall I am pretty well liked. But on a personal level, it can happen when I am not even trying or intending to.

I sent an e-mail reply to someone I know and this person complained to my wife that it was too business like. Okay...so I forgot to put a smiley face on it - did I do something wrong? Well - no - but it was perceived that way. Do I have any regrets that I didn't throw in more cheese and mush in the e-mail? No - sometimes I am just not in the mood for that. So I offended someone without trying there. I hate to say it, but as Pigpen once said, something to the effect that is your fault because it is none of mine. Maybe I am offending this person even more by writing this now.

Let's go to birthdays - to me a birthday was a big deal at age 10. Now it is just another day, a reminder that I am one day closer to being 6 feet under the clay with angels to lay me away. So I don't give it a lot of thought. The whole concept of a birthday, marking age by how many times the planet has gone around the sun, is somewhat arbitrary. So needless to say I did not keep score of those who told me happy birthday and those who did not. Some in my family did, some did not and I honestly have to scrape my memory to even remember which ones did or did not. I did not give it a lot of thought. Yet I was told I was making a statement by not remembering or honoring someone's birthday - and I get the feeling this person put a lot of effort into feeling shunned, disrespected or dis-honored for my oversight. In my mind - if there is too much of an effort going into something, I am not doing it. It has to happen naturally, otherwise it is forced. That is how I approach writing. Never mind that my daughter was screaming and flailing in a hospital recently and maybe I was pre-occupied. Some times I just don't think about it, have other things going on - and maybe if you think the world revolves around you only, you don't see where I am coming from. But low and behold, it was an oversight - not a "statement" of any, way shape or from. If everyone else you know remembered your b-day, you could look at the glass half full and be thankful for those who did remember, or go glass half empty and dwell on and focus on the one(s) who didn't. In that case, maybe you take every single action, or inaction as a slight or disrespect. Maybe in turn you are often disrespectful to others, as you feel it is your right, but you demand complete and utter respect from everyone in spite of that. In that case I would label you as impossible to please, and no matter what I do you are going to find something wrong with it. That being the case - why bother to try? So again - other than writing this out, I am not going to worry about it too much, because no matter what I do, it won't be good enough.

The reality is this - self-sacrifice is admirable in concept, but if you aren't somehow or another first fulfilling yourself it transforms into martyrdom and resentment. So if I am seen as a selfish bastard, maybe I need to be a little selfish before I can give back - after all - I can't give anything back if there is not first anything in my heart or soul to give. So these days, I am out to take care of myself, because nobody else is going to. I don't ask you to take care of me, and I probably coud not take care of you even if I wanted to. As far as my interaction with anybody, it is a clean slate - I owe you nothing, and likewise, you owe me nothing. Forget about the past - (I try to anyways) the past is gone - it is just now. Same applies to the future - it means nothing, we don't even know if we will be alive tomorrow. So I will not be "held hostage" as my manger used to say, to either one. It is just today - and today I need to take care of myself. I am not going to participate in an event that I know I will hate, because maybe others will be pleased to see me there. I need to play my music, pray, meditate, remind myself how much love is there around me - and work where I want to, and live where I want to. These are not luxuries, they are essential for my own survival and well being. Once I get my essentials met, then I can do the secondary sacrifices, take care of my family, be there as much as I can for my wife and daughter. Again - I am not chopping off my own head and moving to a place I will hate in the vain hope that others might be pleased by this - because I already know I belong here. If my wife does not belong here, she is free to go where she does. I really don't want her to leave, but I can't take it too personally if she does. We all have our path to follow, some times they converge, some times they separate. It may sound cold, but it is the way it is. Self de-capitation does not really accomplish anything.

So for those who are offended by what I have done in the past, may be offended by what I do in the future, and even those offended by what I am writing right now - I am quite sorry you feel that way, but what you see is what you get with me. I am who I am and I make no excuses for it. If you want to get along with me, that's great. Take me as I am, and I will do the same with you. Just don't ask me to accommodate any special requests, try to please you, or try to be a royal kiss ass about it - because it just isn't who I am. In return, you will know that when I say or do something for you, it came from my heart and did not come out of grudging obligation. What I am really isn't all that bad as far as I am concerned - and that really is what is important. As one of my favorite author says, I am the main character in my story, but just a projected supporting actor in yours. It really doesn't matter in the end what you think, because you are not even really seeing me to begin with. I wish I could take on the world and solve everyone else's problems, but these days it seems I have quite enough of my own to contend with:

You gotta live life for yourself
Can't live life for anyone else
You gotta live life, that's all you do
Nobody gonna live your life for you

Keep your Day Job

Not a popular song among Dead Heads - but I always liked it. Anyways - I know people who talk about where they work on their blogs can get into trouble. So I am going to take a big risk here. Obviously my real name is not on here and I am not going to say where I work either. People who know me know the name. What I am going to say is I have waited my whole life to have this job. I always liked my field - it allowed me to get out of the office, have some flex time with my family, drive around in an often inspiring landscape through the Sierras and the desert. Unfortunately my last company thrived on labor exploitation, pushing you to your limit, and treating you like a piece of shit that should just be thankful to have a job while the managers and big wigs thrived off your misery. They lost me - and they are possibly going to lose my replacement as well - which I would love to see happen, not out of revenge as much as he might come over and join us here too and I would like to work with him again after training him on the way out the door over THERE.

I am making more money - which does not seem to matter because I haven't saved a cent and the financial assault just keeps on coming - but that is okay because I would be even worse off on the salary I had before. A financial assault is somewhat relative - as I know some who possibly by their own choosing are in a far more challenging situation than I am - and not to judge, because whatever works for you who am I to say, but all I know is I have always been conservative financially and I try to keep the combined house balance to a minimum. So that is my choice anyways, but kind of a side track.

This company is a great company to work for, they make you feel valued, they don't try to work you to death - although obviously you are paid to get a job done, and quite frankly I am very capable of doing it. It does feel good to get compliments from my manager and other people I work with, and I do like to feel appreciated - I mean - who doesn't? Sure at the beginning it was incredibly frustrating and the first month was like one continuous Murphy's Law, but I am on my 7th month now and it is coming together. I stay in touch with a friend from my last company and every time I hear about it I just can't believe how lucky I am to not be there and to be here. I keep on thinking I am going to be waking up from a dream - I mean - something this good can't be real, can it? I keep waiting for something bad to happen, but it doesn't. This company is pretty strong financially, they aren't going anywhere, and as long as you do what they ask of you they treat you as part of the family. I am not naive - I mean I know they profit off my work - but I have no problem with that at all as long as I am treated well in the process. And they seem to know to have the good people who work for them to make them profitable, that treating them right is the way to go about it, unlike the somewhat fucked up neurotic company where I spent a good 17 years of my life working. I "did my time and paid my dues" there, but it is sure nice to have weekends free, have my driving area (no more California trips) reduced, not worry about the phone going off in the middle of the night to drive to some place freezing cold at 3 in the morning, or to have to deal with auto body shops in any way shape or form.

So maybe I am doing something right after all. Maybe I am finally hitting a wave of good karma here. Sure I am middle aged, the family continues to drain me and it is not the happily ever home situation here, but I have to count my blessings - I am not divorced, I own my house (even if I can't imagine ever paying it off), I have a great job, and I have semi-religious experiences a few times a week when there is enough warmth and sun-light out to allow me to grab my guitar and play in the backyard - which is usually about 9 months out of the year. (I am going to treat myself to a new guitar this year - if all of my paycheck is flying out the door anyways for things outside of my immediate wants, I might as well do something for myself). My health is good - all groin and shoulder strains aside (I actually strained my arm swimming at the hotel in Vegas a couple weeks back - the real sign of an old man). Sure the 220 cholesterol was a wake up call, but I am eating healthier now - really watching the cholesterol content in everything - cutting out the eggs and eating a lot less meat. Those spare 20 pounds won't go away, but I still feel good. Over all - I can't complain about too much - except for the vet bills, except for my wife wanting to move back to Chi-town, except for the all of Sara'a medical and psych bills....okay okay, I really can't complain about too much in the scheme of things. When your work situation is good, your outlook is positive and you love the place you live in, it has a way of making every other obstacle in life seem easier to take.

Burning with optimism's flames

Song title from an old tune by XTC. Being an optimist is new to me - I have spent most of my life - at least half anyways - being very pessimistic and thinking happiness does not exist. Now that has changed, even though there are many things to be upset about right now if I let them pull me in. Sara's problems continue - I see that they are not as severe as last year and I think they will improve. The animals - and I know some will be critical of this - but yes - they all seem to be a money drain requiring more and more veterinarian visits. I don't like it - I walk out of the vet office pretty upset at times, but life goes on. I guess even the money drain could be worse, and it is all karma anyways, and a chance to reflect that it could be worse. More may come out then comes in at times, but it finds a way to balance out and I believe somehow or another it will let up or get better. I am around some very negative people at times, okay - I am married to one - and she is clearly not happy and thinks she would be happier somewhere else . She thinks Sara would have a better chance of healing in Chicago then here. Maybe so - maybe not. I personally would rather her stay here, but maybe they head out there for a few months to find out - maybe even longer than that. Not much I can do about it - if it has to happen, then why resist it. All I can do is focus on what is going on inside me - and try to be as positive as I can with the messages I send myself. Maybe it carries over to others, maybe not. All you can do is try. I am almost done with my latest recording - 50 minutes in anyways - and they are all tunes I wrote from this year. They are all like medicine to me - they speak to a part of me that has been hungry for this message for years. If anything will ultimately stand out to me for this time period, that will be it for me - these songs and the power they have over me to see the brightness of life that Monty Python talks about in Life of Brian.

There it is - short and sweet - time for a walk now.

Another song

This one was meant to be something that might inspire my Sara - who you can see performing at her play today here . So far only words are available:

Sara (7-11-07)


Sara our sweet-heart, our beautiful love
Sara our gift from the heavens above
A glowing spirit like the moon in the sky
Believe in your spirit, you can soar you can fly

We love you so much, but you must love yourself
It comes first from you, alone and nobody else
Just say Sara I love you a few times a day
Don’t dwell upon others, who don’t see it your way

Some times life can be painful, but pain goes away
You won’t always feel, what you’re feeling today
It is just a small pain, everyone takes a fall
Believe it will pass, and you won’t feel it at all

The great spirit has blessed you, with a beautiful heart
A beautiful soul, a face a work of art
A playful spirit that lets you laugh, love sing
A warrior’s strength to get you through everything

The animals, creatures, even spiders your friends
Every spirit a blessing that the Goddess sends
Nothing can hurt you, if you start to believe
That you’re blessed and protected, all the monsters will leave

Some times it’s so frustrating, that you just want to cry
But you can do anything, if you just give it a try
And just keep on trying, don’t you ever go up
You can play great music, everybody will love

Your life is a blessing, it is never a curse
You might think you are punished, but it could be worse
It is just a life trial, that we all go through
You are going to survive, just like we all do

Embrace the beautiful day, the enchanted night
Don’t bow down to the pain, stand up and give it a fight
Your life has so much potential, that we call can see
Sara you can be whatever you want to be

One step closer to you

Til I let go of a broken heart..
I let go to an open heart..
I let go of my broken dreams..I let go to the mystery
and I believe in the miracle..
I believe in the spiritual..
I believe in the one above..
I believe in the one I love

I think after listening to this Franti tune tons of times the last verse maybe "one of love" and not "one I love" - but either way, it is one of my favorite songs of his. The line about let go of a broken heart to an open heart, to me expresses a kind of death and re-birth that is necessary for self-growth. As a couple, we have experienced our own near death and coming back from it has made us stronger. I know I have been going overkill on quoting his stuff lately, but lyrically he seems to be the current artist who reflects my views on so many things lately.

Today is July 7 - meaning 11 years ago was the first date I had with my wife. Coincidentally, my parents birthdays and anniversary are around this time as well. I remember the awkward drive to Julian with Victoria, she was getting ready to move back to Chicago and I was telling her I would miss her when she went. back I tried to do a little singing in the forest for her, but we were covered with flies. She made the comment once that she must really trust me for me taking her off so far to the outskirts of San Diego, and her room-mate actually scolded her later. A lot of people do trust me instinctively - despite the Ted Bundy like personality I seem to have, most people seem to realize I am pretty non-threatening. We drew a Tarot card when she came back to my lovely little shack by Mission Bay, and for some reason that inspired her to ask me to hold her, which felt really nice - and our little smooch we had I will always remember. Something about being with her felt like being home - it did then, and it still does now.

So - needless to say - we have had our challenges, and still do. She is still talking about moving back to Chicago, and that issue has and never will be resolved. Depression hovers around us at times, and depression can be all-consuming. We are together now, but the future is uncertain - as it has been with us from the beginning. It is a day at a time now. We have had struggles with everything from intimacy to the conflicts about what the next project will be and the funds to do it - in other words - sex and money - the two number one topics couples fight about. In some ways we are complete opposites, and yet in some ways our minds connect and we can be completely on the same page. Both of the hormones are flying and affecting emotions as we approach the official mark of mid life, growing old, coming to terms with the fact that we aren't young any more, where we are going, and what we are doing. And of course- having a child with stomach and stress issues is always a challenge too - and by the way - the initial indication from this somewhat stressful procedure she had is that everything is seemingly normal - at least from a clinical point of view.

What I can really go into is my perspective here because even though I know her well, I can't read her mind either. I think if I had ever really decided to throw in the towel here, and say okay - you are right - we can't work this out - let's go our separate ways, we would not be together now. Yet somehow I have always believed in our relationship, and faith can be contagious. You can look at the glass half full or empty, and I am choosing half full - even though I could spend hours here dwelling on the half empty if I wanted to. I could provide a long list of my wife's character "flaws" if you want to call them that, things that rub me the wrong way about her, and I am sure she could double the list of mine in a heartbeat and we could spend hours telling the world about the crappy aspects of who each of us are.

But - we are human beings, and as Don Ruiz says - once we look inside past our own judgements and poisoned conditioning, we see we are perfect in our imperfection. I have spent a long time writing and singing about this re-programming - and it is no coincidence I am more at peace with myself than I have ever been. I am not going to tell you all the poison is out, but it is not as consuming as it once was. Sure I was pissed off when I couldn't hook up the new VCR/DVD - but in the past I would have been more so. This time I looked ahead and told myself - somehow it is going to be okay - and even though the combination of the heat outside and the environment of Hell Mart made me feel somewhat nauseous the last time I had to go into the place to figure this thing out, it did work out - and having a little faith goes a long way. This faith is something I have developed toward the latter part of my life, slowly but surely, and maybe in my case I have been lucky enough to grow a little wiser with age.

But this same faith applies to us. We hit a lot of bumps in the road in our relationship - that in the scheme of things are just that - bumps. You can choose to look at them as insurmountable obstacles, or you can say - we have come this far - and like the Beatles song says "We Can Work it Out". Part of it is past history - 2 1/2 years ago it was looking about as bleak as it ever has been, but we were lucky enough to hit the right therapist locally - and they can be hard to find here - who said the right words at the right time to bring us back together. So in my case, I do believe in a little bit of a team of destiny here because the odds are already against a couple lasting together 11 years.

The main thing I have learned is it is indeed a blessing to have a companion by your side - someone who has been there for more than a 1/4 of your life. Yet this companion cannot be the one to fulfill you and complete you on every level. If I don't feel loved, I can't rely on her to make me feel loved. That has to come from within first. I can't control how she may be feeling, she may be in the get away from me mode for reasons that are out of my control. But I can turn within to find a world of everything I have ever wanted and wished for. The answer is within and fulfillment must come there first. Once that happens, you can bring that to the table and build upon the foundation of a relationship with that. But if you are demanding completion and fulfillment from your partner on every level, it is the old sinking ship where you will just weigh it down and there will be nothing to hold it up. I have found it - through a lot of soul searching, music - songs like the one I am going to list at the end of this - that may seem kind of creepy to some more traditionally minded, but I have found them to be pretty inspiring myself. And once you find it, it does not just stay there, you have to keep working at it every day. Just like the Evan Almighty movie we saw on the 4th, once you pray for something it is just not a magical granting of a wish - you have to make it happen with the opportunity presente.d

What I like about the Franti song is it goes against the typical love song formula of now I have found you and all my dreams will come true. Most people expect that now and that is why so many people don't last. It is not that our dreams cannot come true, but the individual person has to do that for his or her self - it is way too much of a burden to place that on another human. We want our partner to be superman or superwoman, a god or goddess, but at some point you are with someone long enough and you realize they are just a human being and you get really pissed off at them for that - but that is all we really are after the sex and projections wear off. You can keep on chasing your tail looking for the rush, but it won't happen with one person.

I know it is the greatest blessing to have loved ones in your life - especially since I spent a good portion of it alone - I realize that having a family, a wife - a person to come home to every day - no words can describe how beautiful that is. It is not the happily ever after described in fairy tales, but it is a beautiful thing anyways - it is just that some times I have to count my blessings and realize how good I in fact do have it when it is not going the way I want it to during a present conflict.

So - heading in another direction here, this is my last tune I put together yesterday - it is inspired by the sun setting - my favorite time of day:

The Witching Hour 7-06-07

This is the magical time when life in day mates with the black night death,
In sharp climactic heavy breaths of rainbow orange bursting out through the clouds
This is the beautiful time when the breeze flies out through the leaves,
Creates an enchanted musical piece, with branches dancing, swinging out so loud
This is the spirit’s time when the faces born from visions dance and speak,
Bursting out from the rocks, the plants and the trees, imagination dreams are real
This is the innocent time, when the thoughts from the ghosts come alive,
As they float toward the everlasting light, the time for broken hearts to mend and to heel

Now is the end of time when life and death meet up and collide, the groom embracing the spirit bride, walking hand in hand side by side
Now is the supernatural time when the goblins and banshees glide, on a broom through a black cloud to ride, with the full moon pouring through the flowing tide
Now is the all knowing time, when one mind reaches out and connects, to each and every one of all of the rest, to feel a part of the highest of all powers
Now is the sweetest of times, the enchanted possessed and blessed bewitching, this is the everlasting witching – this is the witching hour

This is the passionate time when all providing love consumes the air, a sweet seductive goddess shining fair, is so close surrounding everywhere
This is the satisfying time when the dream emerges without from within, I feel her start to arise then begin, to make the healing love to my dry skin
This is the happiest of times, when every wishful longing dream comes true, all I really have to do, is to reach in, summon, connect till I find you
This is the wedding time, when the spirit meets the earthbound flesh, no fears or worries, mind at rest - I know that as I pray here I am blessed

Ass-hole Mountain - the song lyrics

Naturally once I found out how close I am to such a legendary place, the song had to follow. This is set to a kind of Truckin cowboy beat:

Ass-Hole Mountain (6-25-07)

Some folks like to live in the big city, but I know it sure is hell ain’t the place for me
The air’s always so thick and Gawd damn smoggy, that I can’t hardly even barely see
There are just too many hostile people,
Packed like stinking sheep in overcrowded herds
Tempers always constantly a flaring,
Some jerk in a suit always flipping me the bird
So I left smelly Hell A for the country , headed out a packing toward the east
Now I’m all alone out here in the boon docks, just about as happy as I can be
I know now that I have reached my destiny, out here in the scenic countryside
Away from all that hustling and bustling, where I can hop on my donkey and go for a ride.. I’ve moved to –

Ass-hole – Ass-hole Mountain
Where the moon glows like the sun into the sky
When it rises up like a rocket over the mountain range
And I can see the Milky Way at night
I’ve moved to Ass-hole Ass-hole Mountain
Carved like too round cheeks into the land
You can call me and ass-hole for living here
But you know at least I know here where I stand

You might wonder what the hell I’m doing here
You might even ask preciesly why
I moved to a place where there’s nothing going on
But I can get my fill staring into the sky
You know I have never felt so connected
I love it so much sometimes I got to cry
Now that I have found my personal paradise
This will be the place I’ll fall down and die

Bury me at… Ass-hole – Ass-hole Mountain
Way up yonder in the northern Silver State
I’m not sure exactly how I got here
But I know that a living here’s my fate