Whole world full of petty wars
I got mine and you got yours
Mel Gibson has me pegged. I hereby am going to refer to myself not as a person of Jewish ethnicity, but as a fucking Jew. If Mel says it, it must be the truth, right? I kind of take it as a compliment to be referred to one having a sex life - I mean - it may not be as glamorous as Mel's sex life, but it is a sex life nevertheless. For the first 25 years of my life, I enjoyed the less prestigious position of being a non-fucking Jew, so given the choice, I go with fucking Jew any day of the week. Thanks Mel - we can celebrate our bond over a drink - just don't borrow my car keys for the drive home.
But Mel has also shown me the light somewhere else. After all, I as a member of the Jewish people am responsible for ALL of the wars in the world. Now we all know Israel is already engaged in a war in Lebanon right now, but where does that leave me? I am not over there fighting - so how can I play my part? And here to think I have been preaching peace and tolerance here in my blog and I have had it all wrong! So - I have some ideas to start my own "petty wars" so to speak, so I can live up the high distinction Mr. Mel has placed upon me:
1) I hereby resolve to be a complete ass-hole in traffic. No more letting people in my lane, or a courteous wave as I pass by - you know that do unto others as they should do to you - forget that crap. I am now going to drive with my bright lights on as I tail gate you at 30 miles per hour over the speed limit, I will cut you off a car length a head of you so you have to slam on your brakes, flipping you off all the while. It is war baby - road rage here I come!
2) Next time I go out to eat, forget the courtesies - I am going to yell at the hostess to show me to my fucking table, and then yell at everyone I pass by eating that they are slobs making pigs of themselves. When the food arrives late, I am going to yell at the waiters and waitresses and tell them they are a bunch of lazy asses, and then I am going to go into the kitchen to yell at the cooks and tell them the food tastes like shit. That will start a war!
3) I resolve to be hostile with everyone who passes me by on the street. I will look them in the eye and say what the fuck are you looking at buddy, and then flip them all off and call them a bunch of redneck fucks - forget this hi good morning shit - from now on it is war with my neighbors!
4) At work I will start yelling at everyone from now on - forget the good manners and respect. My boss, my co-worker, the customers - everyone is fair game. If you complain about me showing up late, I will yell at you for speaking up - I will say be thankful that I showed up for the appointment at all ass-hole, never mind your waiting. I will be continually rude to everyone and try to start a fight with you when I walk into your house - I may get fired - but I got a reputation to live up to!
I may start getting redundant here - so if you have any ideas how I can live up to Mel's high standards, give me your suggestions here. War is on!
Mel Gibson has me pegged. I hereby am going to refer to myself not as a person of Jewish ethnicity, but as a fucking Jew. If Mel says it, it must be the truth, right? I kind of take it as a compliment to be referred to one having a sex life - I mean - it may not be as glamorous as Mel's sex life, but it is a sex life nevertheless. For the first 25 years of my life, I enjoyed the less prestigious position of being a non-fucking Jew, so given the choice, I go with fucking Jew any day of the week. Thanks Mel - we can celebrate our bond over a drink - just don't borrow my car keys for the drive home.
But Mel has also shown me the light somewhere else. After all, I as a member of the Jewish people am responsible for ALL of the wars in the world. Now we all know Israel is already engaged in a war in Lebanon right now, but where does that leave me? I am not over there fighting - so how can I play my part? And here to think I have been preaching peace and tolerance here in my blog and I have had it all wrong! So - I have some ideas to start my own "petty wars" so to speak, so I can live up the high distinction Mr. Mel has placed upon me:
1) I hereby resolve to be a complete ass-hole in traffic. No more letting people in my lane, or a courteous wave as I pass by - you know that do unto others as they should do to you - forget that crap. I am now going to drive with my bright lights on as I tail gate you at 30 miles per hour over the speed limit, I will cut you off a car length a head of you so you have to slam on your brakes, flipping you off all the while. It is war baby - road rage here I come!
2) Next time I go out to eat, forget the courtesies - I am going to yell at the hostess to show me to my fucking table, and then yell at everyone I pass by eating that they are slobs making pigs of themselves. When the food arrives late, I am going to yell at the waiters and waitresses and tell them they are a bunch of lazy asses, and then I am going to go into the kitchen to yell at the cooks and tell them the food tastes like shit. That will start a war!
3) I resolve to be hostile with everyone who passes me by on the street. I will look them in the eye and say what the fuck are you looking at buddy, and then flip them all off and call them a bunch of redneck fucks - forget this hi good morning shit - from now on it is war with my neighbors!
4) At work I will start yelling at everyone from now on - forget the good manners and respect. My boss, my co-worker, the customers - everyone is fair game. If you complain about me showing up late, I will yell at you for speaking up - I will say be thankful that I showed up for the appointment at all ass-hole, never mind your waiting. I will be continually rude to everyone and try to start a fight with you when I walk into your house - I may get fired - but I got a reputation to live up to!
I may start getting redundant here - so if you have any ideas how I can live up to Mel's high standards, give me your suggestions here. War is on!
posted by Zook at 7:38 AM
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