Without love in the dream it will never come true
..the final line from Help on The Way before the power E minor chords in pairs of two come crashing down from the heavens, as any dead head knows - and appears even the Kerry/Edwards campaign went (unsuccessfully) to the "Help on the Way" card with their last failed attempt at presidency. Maybe a Deadhead had something to do with their campaign.
These words come to mind as we arrived back from our friends' house yesterday in the upper portion of Carson City. Yes - no real mystery here to one of you out there who I am referring to - and they do not have the link to this site, but I wouldn't mind them reading it even if they did. Cutting to the chase here - it came out that they have lived in their 5,000 square feet custom home with the kitchen design from hell for a total of 9 months. I will say the pool room set up works great and the kids had a great time in there yesterday - but getting back to the main topic at hand - in that total of 9 months - they - according to the husband, not denied by the wife - have experienced the joys of bedroom intimacy a grand total of (get the drum role out and hold your breath) - you got it - you guessed right - a total of TWO TIMES.
Now I know sexual issues will come up in marriage and married couples are not going to constantly go at it the way the two lovers did in the cheesefest chick flick movie Asylum that my wife had me watch on my day off Friday. I personally believe that there can tend to be a trade off between passion and duration of time - in other words - if you are with your partner a long time, the passion may die down and it may not be what it was at the beginning - at least this is true for me - and sure there have to be exceptions to the rule somewhere. I think at some point you have to decide that it is more important to have something consistent than to have constant, passionate, sex all the time - although those who either cheat on their partners or have a real hard time settling down with anyone may disagree - and ultimately it is a decision everyone has to make on their own, which is more important - commitment or passion, as their is often not room for the two of those things. Things come up - maybe one partner is really a closet gay longing for the same sex and cringing at the thought of having sex with their marriage partner, but they married for the sake of starting a family and falling within the conventions of society. Medical issues can come up, emotional issues can come up - sex can be pretty complicated.
I have heard different numbers for averages. According to this site average is about once a week for couples. Once a week may not be ideal for everyone, but I think it is a healthy goal to aim for - and one that sounds like a good measuring stick, no pun intended. I try really hard to get that minimum requirement here in this household - although twice a week sounds a lot better than once, and 4 times sounds even better, but never mind that. No surprise to anyone who knows me that my sex drive is alive and well, but wants are one thing, needs are another and I can get by on the minimum requirements if needed. It seems to be common consensus though that if a very long amount of time has gone by without it happening, than quite frankly - something is very wrong - as it clearly is in this household. When you approach one of them, they will say the blame clearly lies with the other one. If you suggest counseling, the one will say the other could really use it. All finger pointing, no self accountability - the perfect formula for a life in hell.
Well - we may not have the 5000 square foot house with the custom moldings and the hot tub pool room, or a pool that allows you to swim in place - as their marriage also seems to be swimming in place - but I can tell you one thing - it really makes me appreciate what I do have here with my wife. As of July 7 it will be ten years together - and the times have not always been easy. There has been a lot of distance to overcome, a clash in "core values" as suggested by our current therapist, certain details from the way I wash my hands, the sweat on my face, and the condition of the tooth brush that can drive my partner into a state of despair and frustration. And as it has been suggested that one or both of us is a "pain in the ass to live with" (I know - I am MORE than a pain of the ass - I concede) and then you get neuron and hormonal balances and imbalances into play, along with the basic frustrations of having a pretty difficult child who will go into an ear piecing tantrum over a slight scratch on her butt from jumping off a fence (the same fence she had been told to not climb up on moments earlier) and add it all up - and marriage can be one of the most difficult and trying experiences there is. I don't know about some people out there, but for us - we have to work at it - constantly.
By the way, reading an amazingly beautiful book called Anger right now which has been quite inspiring. Thich Nhat Hanh is an amazing Vietnamese Buddhist author and I am now adding him to my list of favorite authors here.
My guitar is a source of inspiration and wonder for me - along with my voice combined with it, it is my form of meditation, spirituality and accessing heaven on earth. When it works - it is a source of pure joy and inspiration to me. And yet - being what it is - and I am loyal to my guitar that I have now owned slightly longer than the time I have been married - I constantly have to work at getting the thing to sound in tune. Maybe it does not agree with the climate here, maybe it is too dry, whatever the reason - it is a constant effort in adjustment and patience. But if I stay with it, it is a source of pure joy and inspiration too. That is the way it is in marriage for me as well. To have the same woman by my side, a woman who is my true friend and companion, one who I can trust and depend on - one who will stick with me through thick and thin - to me that is a miracle. Victoria is my inspiration - I think she is a beautiful person inside and out and she continues to inspire me. But like the guitar, I constantly have to make adjustments, make tune ups - work at it and stick with it to get the beautiful sounds to come out of it.
I am committed to this marriage and I will do whatever it takes to make my wife happy. If there are habits I need to change, I will change them. It may not come easy, and I can't ultimately change who I am - because this is who I am. But I can make tune ups and adjustments, as she has had to do with me and there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. My faith in my own life has led me through my depressions, the times when life seems bleak, when the marriage seems hopeless - I believe in what I have with her - I see it as a miracle, a gift from God (Goddess) and I believe in it, pure and simple. I pledge to never it take it for granted, and appreciate every day I have with her while the powers that be grant us our time together before it is taken away. Anyone can believe what they want, atheists included, but to live in a world withouth happiness, spirit, hope or magic of any kind - which appears to be the case for our two very desperate friends - to put it bluntly - what kind of a life is that? Love is as essential as food, water, and shelter in my book - it is an essential need that I have and I believe all of us have. And without love in the dream, the dream becomes a nightmare. I may not be able to experience constant joy in my life, my moods may shift to melancholy and despair from time to time, and maybe more frequently than I would like - but I only have a short time here and I want to make the best of it.
These words come to mind as we arrived back from our friends' house yesterday in the upper portion of Carson City. Yes - no real mystery here to one of you out there who I am referring to - and they do not have the link to this site, but I wouldn't mind them reading it even if they did. Cutting to the chase here - it came out that they have lived in their 5,000 square feet custom home with the kitchen design from hell for a total of 9 months. I will say the pool room set up works great and the kids had a great time in there yesterday - but getting back to the main topic at hand - in that total of 9 months - they - according to the husband, not denied by the wife - have experienced the joys of bedroom intimacy a grand total of (get the drum role out and hold your breath) - you got it - you guessed right - a total of TWO TIMES.
Now I know sexual issues will come up in marriage and married couples are not going to constantly go at it the way the two lovers did in the cheesefest chick flick movie Asylum that my wife had me watch on my day off Friday. I personally believe that there can tend to be a trade off between passion and duration of time - in other words - if you are with your partner a long time, the passion may die down and it may not be what it was at the beginning - at least this is true for me - and sure there have to be exceptions to the rule somewhere. I think at some point you have to decide that it is more important to have something consistent than to have constant, passionate, sex all the time - although those who either cheat on their partners or have a real hard time settling down with anyone may disagree - and ultimately it is a decision everyone has to make on their own, which is more important - commitment or passion, as their is often not room for the two of those things. Things come up - maybe one partner is really a closet gay longing for the same sex and cringing at the thought of having sex with their marriage partner, but they married for the sake of starting a family and falling within the conventions of society. Medical issues can come up, emotional issues can come up - sex can be pretty complicated.
I have heard different numbers for averages. According to this site average is about once a week for couples. Once a week may not be ideal for everyone, but I think it is a healthy goal to aim for - and one that sounds like a good measuring stick, no pun intended. I try really hard to get that minimum requirement here in this household - although twice a week sounds a lot better than once, and 4 times sounds even better, but never mind that. No surprise to anyone who knows me that my sex drive is alive and well, but wants are one thing, needs are another and I can get by on the minimum requirements if needed. It seems to be common consensus though that if a very long amount of time has gone by without it happening, than quite frankly - something is very wrong - as it clearly is in this household. When you approach one of them, they will say the blame clearly lies with the other one. If you suggest counseling, the one will say the other could really use it. All finger pointing, no self accountability - the perfect formula for a life in hell.
Well - we may not have the 5000 square foot house with the custom moldings and the hot tub pool room, or a pool that allows you to swim in place - as their marriage also seems to be swimming in place - but I can tell you one thing - it really makes me appreciate what I do have here with my wife. As of July 7 it will be ten years together - and the times have not always been easy. There has been a lot of distance to overcome, a clash in "core values" as suggested by our current therapist, certain details from the way I wash my hands, the sweat on my face, and the condition of the tooth brush that can drive my partner into a state of despair and frustration. And as it has been suggested that one or both of us is a "pain in the ass to live with" (I know - I am MORE than a pain of the ass - I concede) and then you get neuron and hormonal balances and imbalances into play, along with the basic frustrations of having a pretty difficult child who will go into an ear piecing tantrum over a slight scratch on her butt from jumping off a fence (the same fence she had been told to not climb up on moments earlier) and add it all up - and marriage can be one of the most difficult and trying experiences there is. I don't know about some people out there, but for us - we have to work at it - constantly.
By the way, reading an amazingly beautiful book called Anger right now which has been quite inspiring. Thich Nhat Hanh is an amazing Vietnamese Buddhist author and I am now adding him to my list of favorite authors here.
My guitar is a source of inspiration and wonder for me - along with my voice combined with it, it is my form of meditation, spirituality and accessing heaven on earth. When it works - it is a source of pure joy and inspiration to me. And yet - being what it is - and I am loyal to my guitar that I have now owned slightly longer than the time I have been married - I constantly have to work at getting the thing to sound in tune. Maybe it does not agree with the climate here, maybe it is too dry, whatever the reason - it is a constant effort in adjustment and patience. But if I stay with it, it is a source of pure joy and inspiration too. That is the way it is in marriage for me as well. To have the same woman by my side, a woman who is my true friend and companion, one who I can trust and depend on - one who will stick with me through thick and thin - to me that is a miracle. Victoria is my inspiration - I think she is a beautiful person inside and out and she continues to inspire me. But like the guitar, I constantly have to make adjustments, make tune ups - work at it and stick with it to get the beautiful sounds to come out of it.
I am committed to this marriage and I will do whatever it takes to make my wife happy. If there are habits I need to change, I will change them. It may not come easy, and I can't ultimately change who I am - because this is who I am. But I can make tune ups and adjustments, as she has had to do with me and there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. My faith in my own life has led me through my depressions, the times when life seems bleak, when the marriage seems hopeless - I believe in what I have with her - I see it as a miracle, a gift from God (Goddess) and I believe in it, pure and simple. I pledge to never it take it for granted, and appreciate every day I have with her while the powers that be grant us our time together before it is taken away. Anyone can believe what they want, atheists included, but to live in a world withouth happiness, spirit, hope or magic of any kind - which appears to be the case for our two very desperate friends - to put it bluntly - what kind of a life is that? Love is as essential as food, water, and shelter in my book - it is an essential need that I have and I believe all of us have. And without love in the dream, the dream becomes a nightmare. I may not be able to experience constant joy in my life, my moods may shift to melancholy and despair from time to time, and maybe more frequently than I would like - but I only have a short time here and I want to make the best of it.
posted by Zook at 5:29 AM
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