Digging in the dirt

to find the places I got hurt..even though that song is about anger, I find the title line an appropriate line for what happens when I look inward, sometimes while therapy is involved, and dig up something that has been buried for a while, somewhere in the vast ocean of unconsciousness, just waiting to be discovered. In my case - although there is plenty of anger there, I find grief lying in wait. Lately I have been grieving, feeling a sense of mourning, finding tears in my eyes - which I quickly clear up to say hi to our Russian neighbors while walking the dog at night (good for darkness some of the time), only to resume them as soon as they pass by. Been listening to a lot of Lucinda Williams lately, especially the live CD from a few years ago, and I find she has a real intense way of tapping into that raw grief as well. Ventura is one that seems to really strike a chord with me at the moment - especially the line about "I want to get swallowed up in an ocean of love"

I look at my life and all of the pain and hurt I have experienced has come from a perception of not being loved. Whether or not I was actually loved by others at the time is another matter, my own perception is that I was not. I can be thrown into various categories "depressive", "bipoloar" which imply a chemical imbalance - and I know that the brain is a bunch of chemicals, but I am one who tends to believe it is not that simple. Being a spiritual person, I believe there is a spirt there that means something as well, and throwing medicine at a problem may work some of the time, but it does not work all of the time. I am grieving now - does that mean I pop a pill to make it better? In some cases that may be the answer, but it is not now. For now - I need to experience this grief, find a way to take care of it - and I can't rely on anyone else to do it for me. We all have our own crosses to bare, and this happens to be mine and nobody can make it go away. I am kind of trying an interactive Jungian anima meditation approach to the situation right now, and it seems to be working somewhat. It is not making the grief go away, but it is getting me through. This will pass - just like our marriage conflict here will pass as well. Nobody ever said anything in life worth fighting for was going to be a piece of cake, but I know that my faith will lead me on.

Gonna plant a weeping willow

Got an empty cup - that only love can fill