Teach your parents well
(from the CNY song)
No - if anyone thinks this post is about me trying to teach my parents anything, think again. The chances of me changing them at this point in life, are about as strong as them changing me - we may both want to change each other, but we are all as stubborn as mules in our family, so the best hope for us is to accept us all as we are.
So this is more about my daughter continuing to teach me every day. There was a famous question in the realm of the Jim Rome show where Rome asked a drug addict famous defensive back, Laurence Taylor - if he was a good father, and he shot back "Am I a good father, are you?" at the time Rome had no kids. LT was a crack addict, fighting his own mess, probably not at all present for his kid(s). So the question is - am I, the author of these posts, a good father? Well - depends on who you ask. My family can look at me and be pretty impressed. If you ask Phil, Vicki, Dan, Edie - they would probably say hell yeah you are a good father. But I have my critics as well. Ultimately nobody really knows the answer who isn't there. So my own grade of myself - right here and now - is I get a B. I am passing, but there is room for improvement.
I can't talk about the present, without a little delving into the past. I am still depression prone, so it does not come easy to me at times. My own father was orphaned early on, so he had no real role models at parenting, and no surprise that he often froze in the line of duty, hiding behind his work and designating the father events to my older brother Phil. I do give him credit for trying as hard as he could, and as I got older and came home from college due to the problems I was having, he kind of grew into the role more and was more available at that time and was very fervent in preaching that I should go back to school, and I must have listened - because I did ultimately do as he said I should. So I in turn, have a tendency to be like him, and freeze and hide in the line of duty. Now as far as my greatest critic goes, I play the role of father with her, as she plays mom with me, and since her own Dad was a violent alcoholic who really was not there for her at all, other than to beat the hell out of her, it is no surprise that the bad associations with him are often transferred onto me. Since I am unconsciously linked to that person, I often get a bad rap, but that perspective is tainted - so I try to sort out the information presented in the criticism from the hostility, since I know ultimately it is not directed at me - the same way I often freak out at the mother association with her. (By the way - thanks to anyone who took the time to read the mystery post, but I am fine - these things come over me and I just have to get through them).
So long story short - I try to do the best I can - REALLY - I do - but I clearly have some limitations of my own. Maybe my daughter will grow up and decide she hates me, but whatever happens - I have tried, and I still try. I freeze at times. I am not usually the first person to arrive to an ouchy or a boo boo during a crying fit. My wife is the dominant parent. Of course I could get out my long list of criticisms of her as well if I chose to, but what goood does that do. I try to be supportive of her as I know it is not easy for either of us. Like my own father, I am somewhat of a work-aholic and I am constantly under pressure, so over times I have had to learn to push away the work to be with my daughter, but it is not something that is easy for me to do.
Sara - the whole idea of her - came to life when Victoria after a very romantic moment early on in our relationship - in the beat up shack I used to live in - looked up at the ceiling with a very lost and dreamy look on her face and said "I want a little girl". Maybe a lot of people would have run at that point, but I knew she was the one for me - so it was a sobering moment for certain, but I at that point on some level knew she was going to be the mother of my child. Once I became aware that Victoria had magically aged 3 years in one day, I knew that moment would have to be sooner than later, so I got to work - and then one day - there she was - the child that Victoria asked for - the "little girl" to be specific.
I am going to fast forward over the begining - the first year was horrible, but rather than dwelling on that, I am going to talk about what Sara means to me now. I love her more than anything. I was just hugging her in the middle of writing this, and there is nothing like hugging your 7 year old daughter the first thing in the morning. She is an amazing child. Like all of us, she has her hang ups and issues, but I think she is a brilliant shining light. Some of the things she says almost seem like they are right out of a Woody Allen movie at times, and I often find myself laughing. She sounds like a little adult on the phone when I call her from my long distance overnight stays. She is very smart, very perceptive, and just a brilliant, beautiful little girl. I know life may not be easy for her at times, but I am very optimistic about who she is and who she is going to be, and whatever she decides to do, she will always have my suppport, our support as parents.
Not long ago I almost pursued a course that would have completely destroyed me - it was an addictive temptation that would have ruined my life in every way, shape, and form - but ultimately Sara was the light that steered me away from that. I knew that if I acted on it, I would be betraying her - and I could not bring myself to do that. When life seems like too much for me at times, and I feel like running away, I know I can't because I know she is counting on me. So thanks to her, I continue to strive to be the best that I can be, and not fall into the traps, addictions, and temptations that have ruined so many lives.
Part of my interaction with her is through music. I sing songs to her that she likes (I'm a believer, the monkey song from Jungle Book) and watch her dance in a frenzied passion that reminds me of how I used to rock out to music as a kid. When we play games, sometimes she shows me certain moves that I never even thought of - like the word scramble game the day. I take her to ballet class and often watch and film her doing her little ballet moves. Like her old man, she can tend toward stumbling at times, but she is still very graceful in her awkwardness. I play baseball with her when the weather is nicer, and she can take it very personally if she does not win - somehow or another she does (I have to balance letting her win some times with not making it look like I am not trying at all). I have gone up and down the slides with her at the park many times. I filmed her singing songs from Freaky Friday the other day, and she looked adorable. I have never heard someone singing out of key sound so good - it makes me cut myself some slack when my own singing voice tends off key at times.
Along with my wife, Sara has given my life meaning and inspiration. The happiest years of my life have been with them, and I am very proud of them both - and feel very fortunate that these two shining spirits are a part of my life. I have much to learn from both of them, and maybe it seems like I am not listening at times, but I really am. At the same time, I cannot beat myself up when I screw up - as I often do - because encouragement works a lot better than beration. I can't always be there, but I try to be. I do have to work, do what I can to keep myself from falling into depression (through my music) and so at times to be there for others, we have to first be there for ourselves. But I must be doing something right - the other day Sara actually for the first time told me she was glad I was picking her up from school (she usually always complains that Mamma is not doing it). So - maybe there is some hope for me after all. There is always something to learn, something to be gained from being a parent, and she is there to teach me just as much as I am hopefully there to be a guide to her as well.
No - if anyone thinks this post is about me trying to teach my parents anything, think again. The chances of me changing them at this point in life, are about as strong as them changing me - we may both want to change each other, but we are all as stubborn as mules in our family, so the best hope for us is to accept us all as we are.
So this is more about my daughter continuing to teach me every day. There was a famous question in the realm of the Jim Rome show where Rome asked a drug addict famous defensive back, Laurence Taylor - if he was a good father, and he shot back "Am I a good father, are you?" at the time Rome had no kids. LT was a crack addict, fighting his own mess, probably not at all present for his kid(s). So the question is - am I, the author of these posts, a good father? Well - depends on who you ask. My family can look at me and be pretty impressed. If you ask Phil, Vicki, Dan, Edie - they would probably say hell yeah you are a good father. But I have my critics as well. Ultimately nobody really knows the answer who isn't there. So my own grade of myself - right here and now - is I get a B. I am passing, but there is room for improvement.
I can't talk about the present, without a little delving into the past. I am still depression prone, so it does not come easy to me at times. My own father was orphaned early on, so he had no real role models at parenting, and no surprise that he often froze in the line of duty, hiding behind his work and designating the father events to my older brother Phil. I do give him credit for trying as hard as he could, and as I got older and came home from college due to the problems I was having, he kind of grew into the role more and was more available at that time and was very fervent in preaching that I should go back to school, and I must have listened - because I did ultimately do as he said I should. So I in turn, have a tendency to be like him, and freeze and hide in the line of duty. Now as far as my greatest critic goes, I play the role of father with her, as she plays mom with me, and since her own Dad was a violent alcoholic who really was not there for her at all, other than to beat the hell out of her, it is no surprise that the bad associations with him are often transferred onto me. Since I am unconsciously linked to that person, I often get a bad rap, but that perspective is tainted - so I try to sort out the information presented in the criticism from the hostility, since I know ultimately it is not directed at me - the same way I often freak out at the mother association with her. (By the way - thanks to anyone who took the time to read the mystery post, but I am fine - these things come over me and I just have to get through them).
So long story short - I try to do the best I can - REALLY - I do - but I clearly have some limitations of my own. Maybe my daughter will grow up and decide she hates me, but whatever happens - I have tried, and I still try. I freeze at times. I am not usually the first person to arrive to an ouchy or a boo boo during a crying fit. My wife is the dominant parent. Of course I could get out my long list of criticisms of her as well if I chose to, but what goood does that do. I try to be supportive of her as I know it is not easy for either of us. Like my own father, I am somewhat of a work-aholic and I am constantly under pressure, so over times I have had to learn to push away the work to be with my daughter, but it is not something that is easy for me to do.
Sara - the whole idea of her - came to life when Victoria after a very romantic moment early on in our relationship - in the beat up shack I used to live in - looked up at the ceiling with a very lost and dreamy look on her face and said "I want a little girl". Maybe a lot of people would have run at that point, but I knew she was the one for me - so it was a sobering moment for certain, but I at that point on some level knew she was going to be the mother of my child. Once I became aware that Victoria had magically aged 3 years in one day, I knew that moment would have to be sooner than later, so I got to work - and then one day - there she was - the child that Victoria asked for - the "little girl" to be specific.
I am going to fast forward over the begining - the first year was horrible, but rather than dwelling on that, I am going to talk about what Sara means to me now. I love her more than anything. I was just hugging her in the middle of writing this, and there is nothing like hugging your 7 year old daughter the first thing in the morning. She is an amazing child. Like all of us, she has her hang ups and issues, but I think she is a brilliant shining light. Some of the things she says almost seem like they are right out of a Woody Allen movie at times, and I often find myself laughing. She sounds like a little adult on the phone when I call her from my long distance overnight stays. She is very smart, very perceptive, and just a brilliant, beautiful little girl. I know life may not be easy for her at times, but I am very optimistic about who she is and who she is going to be, and whatever she decides to do, she will always have my suppport, our support as parents.
Not long ago I almost pursued a course that would have completely destroyed me - it was an addictive temptation that would have ruined my life in every way, shape, and form - but ultimately Sara was the light that steered me away from that. I knew that if I acted on it, I would be betraying her - and I could not bring myself to do that. When life seems like too much for me at times, and I feel like running away, I know I can't because I know she is counting on me. So thanks to her, I continue to strive to be the best that I can be, and not fall into the traps, addictions, and temptations that have ruined so many lives.
Part of my interaction with her is through music. I sing songs to her that she likes (I'm a believer, the monkey song from Jungle Book) and watch her dance in a frenzied passion that reminds me of how I used to rock out to music as a kid. When we play games, sometimes she shows me certain moves that I never even thought of - like the word scramble game the day. I take her to ballet class and often watch and film her doing her little ballet moves. Like her old man, she can tend toward stumbling at times, but she is still very graceful in her awkwardness. I play baseball with her when the weather is nicer, and she can take it very personally if she does not win - somehow or another she does (I have to balance letting her win some times with not making it look like I am not trying at all). I have gone up and down the slides with her at the park many times. I filmed her singing songs from Freaky Friday the other day, and she looked adorable. I have never heard someone singing out of key sound so good - it makes me cut myself some slack when my own singing voice tends off key at times.
Along with my wife, Sara has given my life meaning and inspiration. The happiest years of my life have been with them, and I am very proud of them both - and feel very fortunate that these two shining spirits are a part of my life. I have much to learn from both of them, and maybe it seems like I am not listening at times, but I really am. At the same time, I cannot beat myself up when I screw up - as I often do - because encouragement works a lot better than beration. I can't always be there, but I try to be. I do have to work, do what I can to keep myself from falling into depression (through my music) and so at times to be there for others, we have to first be there for ourselves. But I must be doing something right - the other day Sara actually for the first time told me she was glad I was picking her up from school (she usually always complains that Mamma is not doing it). So - maybe there is some hope for me after all. There is always something to learn, something to be gained from being a parent, and she is there to teach me just as much as I am hopefully there to be a guide to her as well.
posted by Zook at 6:49 AM
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