A little flea
I wrote about the flea back in my college days in the winter of 1984. I recorded the song here back in February of last year, but I will re-post the words at the bottom of this to refresh your memory at your convenience. I wasn't even 19, and I was already dealing with what Ruiz refers to in his books as "the parasite". I tried to google the words "parasite" with "don ruiz" and got a bunch of different responses - and obviously, would encourage anyone reading this to read any of his books. But I know not everyone (if anyone) reading this is going to, and that's fine too. Maybe this post for some of you who go on reading (and really I am not offended if you stop right here) can serve as kind of the reader's digest version for those who want to cut to the chase without taking the time or effort to read the book. I got two from my local library, borrowed another from a neighbor, and ordered one for cheap on Amazon, so this has not been a heavy duty financial investment for me by any means. I know for the die hards he has meetings in Mexico and San Diego that are a little costly for me, but really I feel like I have no need at all to meet him. Once you read any of his books, you get the idea pretty well what he has to say (especially since he has a way of beating it into the ground, but it is such a good point to beat that it's okay). To me, everything he says is common sense, but a certain amount of self-exploration and awareness (either prior to or during the reading) is required. Our neighbor who loaned me the book seemed to have trouble getting past the first few pages, so again, maybe not for everyone.
But rather than re-hash the point in his book, I am going to use it as a jumping board for my own life. I may not even "get it right" so to speak, but I am going to think about it in my own words and experiences. Now amazingly enough - he says we should not blame our parents for what has happened to us. In the end, they did the best they could, and had their own demons to face, so blaming them and getting angry at them is not going to help. So I am not going to dwell on this too much, but I know for a fact that I did not always hear very encouraging messages as a child. In fact - some of them were very hostile, demeaning, humiliating and destructive and could be interpreted as a basic attack and assault on any hope of having self-confidence. Now granted - there was some genuine love I experienced as well, so it was not all one sided. But - to deny hearing them, or that they never happened - (as some may do) does not serve me either, because that is living in denial - and putting on a smiling face while your internal demons terrorize you inside is just simply not very effective. But on some conscious level - realizing that whatever compelled these adults (and even some kids my age) to say these things to me was a result of their own internal battle, and not personal - helps put things in perspective as well. Everyone is fighting their own battle and living their own dream as Ruiz says, which is why one of the "four agreements" is to not take anything personally.
In chat rooms - as I know first hand - people assume certain names, identities - and some even have individual rooms named after them. Those people can start to feel very inflated, and even tell other members who is allowed to be in those rooms (it is all very territorial - like empty cyberspace has any territorial value to be claimed to begin with). Like anything if you get caught up in it - as I did - you can respond to every word like it is a personal slap in the face, but they are just names on a screen and some times you have no idea if the woman who is saying she is a hot babe is really a 400 pound 80 year old man, or if what anyone is saying is really true on any level at all. It is just a word on the screen, and imaginations are free to run wild as they do. Once you step back, as I have done you can look back at everyone completely caught up in it like they are in a spell and think - wow - how can they really take that stuff personally. But really - it is the same in real life. Everyone is living their own dream, and nobody really sees me - sees every thought in my head, they just see the face or projection that they want to see and apply it to the dream they are having. So I don't need a female to tell me I am beautiful - because I should already know that by now. When anyone tells us anything positive or negative, and we respond to it in kind as most of us do, we are taking it personally. Every thought we are having - including how we personalize others - is an individual dream - and the world is just a collage of all of the dreams combined, "the dream of the planet" as he writes.
But getting back to the parasite again, the reason getting caught up in blame, anger and rage toward the people who raised you or were part of your childhood does not work - is that most if not all of those people are gone now, and the real battle is taking place between the ears. Whatever I have internalized all of those years is now a part of me, regardless of where it came from. I have now made it a part of me. I have a confident, loving, spiritual and compassionate side of myself - and I know that is what has gotten me through to where I am today. Sometimes it is a "voice" that is hidden among darker ones, or comes out in creative writing or song writing, but somehow I have been able to access it. To continue to access it is a constant challenge even today. It is why I try to devote some time every day to picking up my guitar, singing, and getting into a meditational state - because I constantly have to remind myself of that side of me in times when the darker voices seem to be in charge.
My personal parasite can be described by some of my personality traits. I grew up basically "comfortably numb" to a certain degree. I don't have happy memories of growing up, as much as memories of feeling a need to run on auto pilot, do my homework for fear of failing, get good grades, and try to get by on as little available emotional nourishment as possible. I wanted love from others, but did not feel worthy of it - so I had an impossible time asking a girl out (and the one time I tried at 13 and was turned down just re-inforced my own feelings of myself). I would continue to try to psyche myself into approaching or asking out a teenage girl I was interested in who also appeared to be interested, but because of my low self esteem I could not bring myself to do it, which in turn got me even more down on myself (what the hell is wrong with you, why can't you ask her out) and it was like the old water everywhere but not a drop to drink. I blamed myself for not having the confidence, and getting down on myself just made it worse. That is one central aspect of the "parasite" is self-assault. There is already a destructive behavior in place (low self confidence) and then since you believe you are suppose to be something (confident) that you are not, you get down on yourself for not being what you should be - but in fact have little control of at that point anyways, and then the assault is happening not once but twice. That is why for any type of change to happen you have to first accept yourself completely for everything you are, because getting down on yourself just re-inforces the control of the parasite.
I continued on - getting through high school - but my most dramatic encounter with the parasite was in college. It was the first time I was away from my parents. On the positive side, I met some of my best friends who I am still in touch with to this day there, friends who I had never experienced to that level before and for the most part after that time. But the real blow came in my choice of careers. In my auto-pilot mode I had just assumed I could essentially be like my father, become a computer programmer and make a decent living. I had a certain amount of confidence in high school in that I had gotten good grades in everything so far. But, UC San Diego was a different level altogether and coming across "refraction" in my first computer programming class - was a complete threat to me - in that I could not figure it out. My father can blame the class - in that it was a "self paced" class which allowed procrastination to take hold, but ultimately I think what happened is that when I couldn't get it for the first time, I panicked - freaked out and two things happened. I realized that I was not talented in that direction for one thing, and doubted myself. But on a deeper level, I could no longer hide behind the mold of getting a safe career in computers, and had to face the question of "who am I" that I had avoided up to that point - and really look at it, instead of running from it as I had all my life. I was not ready to deal with that question at the age of 18 and 19. When some of my dorm people locked me out of a room as a practical joke, rather than dealing with it in stride, I instead gave it as an excuse to break my ankle, which then set the stage for me smoking marijuana to feel good, withdrawing into myself, and still hiding from that ever consuming want and desire to be with a member of the opposite sex that I could not seem to make happen in real life.
I could look back at that confrontation now as a blessing and a curse - a curse in that financially I could not make the money doing a field that others have that have allowed them to live more comfortably - or a blessing in that it steered me into a less financially rewarding but for me - more enjoyable - career that I have now - but I am glad everything turned out the way it did. I am simply not meant to be a computer monkey staring at a screen trying to figure out a computer program - that is not who I am. I can take that side of me to figure out estimates and use it in the insurance field, but forcing yourself to be something that you are not is also an essential aspect of the parasite - because it goes against your inner nature which ultimately creates more turmoil and conflict, when you try to fit yourself into a puzzle piece that does not fit. To this day my folks still think I should have been a computer programmer, but sorry to say it - I know better.
But moving back to that time period, that who am I dilemma, the pot smoking, lonliness and frustration with women ultimately led me into a mind blowing depression where everything seemed to fall apart all around me and I had to leave school on more than one occasion. It was the most hellish and miserable point in my life, but I can say this - it brought out a certain side of me into the light that I had never really clearly seen before - and that was a very clear and present self hatred - which to me is the ultimate parasite. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and feeling such contempt and loathing - because I had failed. I thought what is wrong with me, how come everyone else can do it and I can't. I thought of life as something that was meant for people who were stronger than I was, that I was too weak to survive in the game, and I really felt like I was not meant to be on this planet. So - as far as some of the actual physical actions that took place at that time, I won't go into them as most people who know me already know what I tried to do, and luckily I was able to survive that period and come back out of it and get back on track. But I don't look back on it and just say - I was just going through a depression, it was just a phase and distance myself from it - because the self-hating aspects of the "parasite" really came to life then and let me know that a part of me I had in essence denied was very much a part of my life.
Although I was able to get through school, I have carried the monkey on my back to this day. Slowly but surely my life experiences have led me into the battle with myself and shown that even if on some level I did not have any faith in myself, what ultimately happened in the end slowly built my confidence. When I first looked for a job, I was terrified - stuttering in the interviews. I felt a certain connection with one on campus interviewer, and got my first start in retail at a well known department store. I was terrified there as well, but found I could get by, and then was once again tested when I lost my job there. I again encountered a familiar state of hopeless anxiety, and back when I was living with my friend Joe during this time, somehow I tapped into that spiritual side of me, and was able to find some hope and believe that somehow it was all going to turn out right, and that was when I landed the job that almost 17 years later, I still have.
There were several tests there as well. I was completely terrifired at the prospect of picking up the phone to talk to people, but after being thrown into the water a little at a time, I started to realize that I could do my job, and do things that I never knew I could. People at work said I slowly came out of my shell as they knew me, from a very shy person afraid of his shadow, to someone with some confidence. I had a person in charge of me - dealing with his own parasite - who put me in a position reminiscent of my childhood, where his own self-hatred came in a screaming direction toward me - and I at a critical point learned to stand up to him and get him to back off. And I have had my challenges up to this day in asserting myself with others, standing my ground, and realizing that I am more than just a doormat to be walked upon. But every time the challenge happens, it is often in the form of a sleepless night or emotional upheaval, but every time I get through it, I feel a little bit better of myself. I guess this goes against the notion of "don't take anything personally", but I know for a fact that I am damn good at what I do, that I am reliable, conscientious - and efficient - and this is not only reflected in my own feelings, but by others as well. Apparently I have a "good reputation" here. I work hard and do what it takes to get the job done, and I am proud of that.
I love my wife, but as both of us are people who have a self-hating side to us, than it is not surprising that at times we can turn our own rage toward the other. So even now - when her voice starts to sound very familiar to me as the voice of one who raised me, I have learned to see that I am not the one she is describing, that it is her own rage against herself turned in my direction - and that is one of the best exercises in not taking something personally that one can try. Because I know that I am not the person she is describing, and so I have learned as best as I can to tune it out. (As I read this to her, I am sure she is saying - no you really ARE those things, but regardless of what she says - I know better). I can either let the words hook up with my own self-hating parasite, as I have done before, or I can dig deeper and realize that I'm "good enough, I'm smart enough, and darn it people like me" as Stuart Smalley says. I KNOW I am not the bad person being described. But to take it a step further, even if they DON'T like me, that does not matter anyways, because it is ultimatley themselves and not me that they are directing their dislike toward, so ultimately whatever they think of their perception of what I am - IT DOESN'T MATTER!
So - in my view - the parasite to me is the part of me that says I am going to fail, that I can't do it, that I don't deserve love, I don't deserve to live, that I am not worthy of anything - the part of me that falls into fear and anxiety when a challenge approaches. My parasite came to life this morning as I hesitated in even writing this because I thought what do I have to say, Ruiz already said it, so why bother - but this for me is all about putting my own individual experience into words because it helps me. If it helps others on the way, as I have heard people tell me - that is great - but ultimately it starts and ends with me, and this writing as a form of creative writing - just like my songs and writings - has been my anecdote to the parasite, or flea as I write below. It is an ongoing battle which is not over by any stretch, but looking back to what I once was I can see how far I have come - and if I can do it, I bet you can do it too. And if I have come this far, I can go further yet. This song below was inspired by a woman who I was frustrated with, but ultimately 22 years later I can see that it was an internal, and not an external battle. Here it is once again. Feel free to go back to the February 05 archives to listen to me singing it if you are so inclined:
FLEA (1984)
A LITTLE FLEA AS DARK AS NIGHT, JUMPS UP ON ME AND TAKES A BITE
IT NEEDS MY BLOOD SO IT CAN LIVE, AND LOVES TO TAKE, BUT HATES TO GIVE
IT JUMPS AROUND FROM HERE TO THERE, TO PROWL FOR SIGNS OF FUR OR HAIR
AND LEAVES A BITE IF YOU'RE AROUND, AND THEN SEEKS OUT SOME OTHER CLOWN
THE LITTLE FLEA, IS DUMB AND SMALL - IT REALLY IS NO THREAT AT ALL
FOR THOUGHT IT STEALS MY SO BLOOD SO BRIGHT, IT ONLY LEAVES A LITTLE BITE
BUT LET THAT FLEA INSIDE MY BRAIN, AND IT COULD MAKE ME GO INSANE
SO FREE TO TRAVEL SECRET PLACES, COLLIDING WITH MY DARKEST SPACES
BUT I HAVE A MIND, AND IT HAS DONE, WE'LL FIGHT IT OUT UNTIL IT'S DONE
AND ONCE I GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD, I'LL SMASH IT DOWN UNTIL IT'S DEAD
But rather than re-hash the point in his book, I am going to use it as a jumping board for my own life. I may not even "get it right" so to speak, but I am going to think about it in my own words and experiences. Now amazingly enough - he says we should not blame our parents for what has happened to us. In the end, they did the best they could, and had their own demons to face, so blaming them and getting angry at them is not going to help. So I am not going to dwell on this too much, but I know for a fact that I did not always hear very encouraging messages as a child. In fact - some of them were very hostile, demeaning, humiliating and destructive and could be interpreted as a basic attack and assault on any hope of having self-confidence. Now granted - there was some genuine love I experienced as well, so it was not all one sided. But - to deny hearing them, or that they never happened - (as some may do) does not serve me either, because that is living in denial - and putting on a smiling face while your internal demons terrorize you inside is just simply not very effective. But on some conscious level - realizing that whatever compelled these adults (and even some kids my age) to say these things to me was a result of their own internal battle, and not personal - helps put things in perspective as well. Everyone is fighting their own battle and living their own dream as Ruiz says, which is why one of the "four agreements" is to not take anything personally.
In chat rooms - as I know first hand - people assume certain names, identities - and some even have individual rooms named after them. Those people can start to feel very inflated, and even tell other members who is allowed to be in those rooms (it is all very territorial - like empty cyberspace has any territorial value to be claimed to begin with). Like anything if you get caught up in it - as I did - you can respond to every word like it is a personal slap in the face, but they are just names on a screen and some times you have no idea if the woman who is saying she is a hot babe is really a 400 pound 80 year old man, or if what anyone is saying is really true on any level at all. It is just a word on the screen, and imaginations are free to run wild as they do. Once you step back, as I have done you can look back at everyone completely caught up in it like they are in a spell and think - wow - how can they really take that stuff personally. But really - it is the same in real life. Everyone is living their own dream, and nobody really sees me - sees every thought in my head, they just see the face or projection that they want to see and apply it to the dream they are having. So I don't need a female to tell me I am beautiful - because I should already know that by now. When anyone tells us anything positive or negative, and we respond to it in kind as most of us do, we are taking it personally. Every thought we are having - including how we personalize others - is an individual dream - and the world is just a collage of all of the dreams combined, "the dream of the planet" as he writes.
But getting back to the parasite again, the reason getting caught up in blame, anger and rage toward the people who raised you or were part of your childhood does not work - is that most if not all of those people are gone now, and the real battle is taking place between the ears. Whatever I have internalized all of those years is now a part of me, regardless of where it came from. I have now made it a part of me. I have a confident, loving, spiritual and compassionate side of myself - and I know that is what has gotten me through to where I am today. Sometimes it is a "voice" that is hidden among darker ones, or comes out in creative writing or song writing, but somehow I have been able to access it. To continue to access it is a constant challenge even today. It is why I try to devote some time every day to picking up my guitar, singing, and getting into a meditational state - because I constantly have to remind myself of that side of me in times when the darker voices seem to be in charge.
My personal parasite can be described by some of my personality traits. I grew up basically "comfortably numb" to a certain degree. I don't have happy memories of growing up, as much as memories of feeling a need to run on auto pilot, do my homework for fear of failing, get good grades, and try to get by on as little available emotional nourishment as possible. I wanted love from others, but did not feel worthy of it - so I had an impossible time asking a girl out (and the one time I tried at 13 and was turned down just re-inforced my own feelings of myself). I would continue to try to psyche myself into approaching or asking out a teenage girl I was interested in who also appeared to be interested, but because of my low self esteem I could not bring myself to do it, which in turn got me even more down on myself (what the hell is wrong with you, why can't you ask her out) and it was like the old water everywhere but not a drop to drink. I blamed myself for not having the confidence, and getting down on myself just made it worse. That is one central aspect of the "parasite" is self-assault. There is already a destructive behavior in place (low self confidence) and then since you believe you are suppose to be something (confident) that you are not, you get down on yourself for not being what you should be - but in fact have little control of at that point anyways, and then the assault is happening not once but twice. That is why for any type of change to happen you have to first accept yourself completely for everything you are, because getting down on yourself just re-inforces the control of the parasite.
I continued on - getting through high school - but my most dramatic encounter with the parasite was in college. It was the first time I was away from my parents. On the positive side, I met some of my best friends who I am still in touch with to this day there, friends who I had never experienced to that level before and for the most part after that time. But the real blow came in my choice of careers. In my auto-pilot mode I had just assumed I could essentially be like my father, become a computer programmer and make a decent living. I had a certain amount of confidence in high school in that I had gotten good grades in everything so far. But, UC San Diego was a different level altogether and coming across "refraction" in my first computer programming class - was a complete threat to me - in that I could not figure it out. My father can blame the class - in that it was a "self paced" class which allowed procrastination to take hold, but ultimately I think what happened is that when I couldn't get it for the first time, I panicked - freaked out and two things happened. I realized that I was not talented in that direction for one thing, and doubted myself. But on a deeper level, I could no longer hide behind the mold of getting a safe career in computers, and had to face the question of "who am I" that I had avoided up to that point - and really look at it, instead of running from it as I had all my life. I was not ready to deal with that question at the age of 18 and 19. When some of my dorm people locked me out of a room as a practical joke, rather than dealing with it in stride, I instead gave it as an excuse to break my ankle, which then set the stage for me smoking marijuana to feel good, withdrawing into myself, and still hiding from that ever consuming want and desire to be with a member of the opposite sex that I could not seem to make happen in real life.
I could look back at that confrontation now as a blessing and a curse - a curse in that financially I could not make the money doing a field that others have that have allowed them to live more comfortably - or a blessing in that it steered me into a less financially rewarding but for me - more enjoyable - career that I have now - but I am glad everything turned out the way it did. I am simply not meant to be a computer monkey staring at a screen trying to figure out a computer program - that is not who I am. I can take that side of me to figure out estimates and use it in the insurance field, but forcing yourself to be something that you are not is also an essential aspect of the parasite - because it goes against your inner nature which ultimately creates more turmoil and conflict, when you try to fit yourself into a puzzle piece that does not fit. To this day my folks still think I should have been a computer programmer, but sorry to say it - I know better.
But moving back to that time period, that who am I dilemma, the pot smoking, lonliness and frustration with women ultimately led me into a mind blowing depression where everything seemed to fall apart all around me and I had to leave school on more than one occasion. It was the most hellish and miserable point in my life, but I can say this - it brought out a certain side of me into the light that I had never really clearly seen before - and that was a very clear and present self hatred - which to me is the ultimate parasite. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and feeling such contempt and loathing - because I had failed. I thought what is wrong with me, how come everyone else can do it and I can't. I thought of life as something that was meant for people who were stronger than I was, that I was too weak to survive in the game, and I really felt like I was not meant to be on this planet. So - as far as some of the actual physical actions that took place at that time, I won't go into them as most people who know me already know what I tried to do, and luckily I was able to survive that period and come back out of it and get back on track. But I don't look back on it and just say - I was just going through a depression, it was just a phase and distance myself from it - because the self-hating aspects of the "parasite" really came to life then and let me know that a part of me I had in essence denied was very much a part of my life.
Although I was able to get through school, I have carried the monkey on my back to this day. Slowly but surely my life experiences have led me into the battle with myself and shown that even if on some level I did not have any faith in myself, what ultimately happened in the end slowly built my confidence. When I first looked for a job, I was terrified - stuttering in the interviews. I felt a certain connection with one on campus interviewer, and got my first start in retail at a well known department store. I was terrified there as well, but found I could get by, and then was once again tested when I lost my job there. I again encountered a familiar state of hopeless anxiety, and back when I was living with my friend Joe during this time, somehow I tapped into that spiritual side of me, and was able to find some hope and believe that somehow it was all going to turn out right, and that was when I landed the job that almost 17 years later, I still have.
There were several tests there as well. I was completely terrifired at the prospect of picking up the phone to talk to people, but after being thrown into the water a little at a time, I started to realize that I could do my job, and do things that I never knew I could. People at work said I slowly came out of my shell as they knew me, from a very shy person afraid of his shadow, to someone with some confidence. I had a person in charge of me - dealing with his own parasite - who put me in a position reminiscent of my childhood, where his own self-hatred came in a screaming direction toward me - and I at a critical point learned to stand up to him and get him to back off. And I have had my challenges up to this day in asserting myself with others, standing my ground, and realizing that I am more than just a doormat to be walked upon. But every time the challenge happens, it is often in the form of a sleepless night or emotional upheaval, but every time I get through it, I feel a little bit better of myself. I guess this goes against the notion of "don't take anything personally", but I know for a fact that I am damn good at what I do, that I am reliable, conscientious - and efficient - and this is not only reflected in my own feelings, but by others as well. Apparently I have a "good reputation" here. I work hard and do what it takes to get the job done, and I am proud of that.
I love my wife, but as both of us are people who have a self-hating side to us, than it is not surprising that at times we can turn our own rage toward the other. So even now - when her voice starts to sound very familiar to me as the voice of one who raised me, I have learned to see that I am not the one she is describing, that it is her own rage against herself turned in my direction - and that is one of the best exercises in not taking something personally that one can try. Because I know that I am not the person she is describing, and so I have learned as best as I can to tune it out. (As I read this to her, I am sure she is saying - no you really ARE those things, but regardless of what she says - I know better). I can either let the words hook up with my own self-hating parasite, as I have done before, or I can dig deeper and realize that I'm "good enough, I'm smart enough, and darn it people like me" as Stuart Smalley says. I KNOW I am not the bad person being described. But to take it a step further, even if they DON'T like me, that does not matter anyways, because it is ultimatley themselves and not me that they are directing their dislike toward, so ultimately whatever they think of their perception of what I am - IT DOESN'T MATTER!
So - in my view - the parasite to me is the part of me that says I am going to fail, that I can't do it, that I don't deserve love, I don't deserve to live, that I am not worthy of anything - the part of me that falls into fear and anxiety when a challenge approaches. My parasite came to life this morning as I hesitated in even writing this because I thought what do I have to say, Ruiz already said it, so why bother - but this for me is all about putting my own individual experience into words because it helps me. If it helps others on the way, as I have heard people tell me - that is great - but ultimately it starts and ends with me, and this writing as a form of creative writing - just like my songs and writings - has been my anecdote to the parasite, or flea as I write below. It is an ongoing battle which is not over by any stretch, but looking back to what I once was I can see how far I have come - and if I can do it, I bet you can do it too. And if I have come this far, I can go further yet. This song below was inspired by a woman who I was frustrated with, but ultimately 22 years later I can see that it was an internal, and not an external battle. Here it is once again. Feel free to go back to the February 05 archives to listen to me singing it if you are so inclined:
FLEA (1984)
A LITTLE FLEA AS DARK AS NIGHT, JUMPS UP ON ME AND TAKES A BITE
IT NEEDS MY BLOOD SO IT CAN LIVE, AND LOVES TO TAKE, BUT HATES TO GIVE
IT JUMPS AROUND FROM HERE TO THERE, TO PROWL FOR SIGNS OF FUR OR HAIR
AND LEAVES A BITE IF YOU'RE AROUND, AND THEN SEEKS OUT SOME OTHER CLOWN
THE LITTLE FLEA, IS DUMB AND SMALL - IT REALLY IS NO THREAT AT ALL
FOR THOUGHT IT STEALS MY SO BLOOD SO BRIGHT, IT ONLY LEAVES A LITTLE BITE
BUT LET THAT FLEA INSIDE MY BRAIN, AND IT COULD MAKE ME GO INSANE
SO FREE TO TRAVEL SECRET PLACES, COLLIDING WITH MY DARKEST SPACES
BUT I HAVE A MIND, AND IT HAS DONE, WE'LL FIGHT IT OUT UNTIL IT'S DONE
AND ONCE I GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD, I'LL SMASH IT DOWN UNTIL IT'S DEAD
posted by Zook at 6:01 AM
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