So many roads

Fare thee well, fare thee well I love you more than words can tell

2007-08-16T18:29:00.000-07:00

This is officially my last post here. For whatever reason - too much negativity has been expressed to too large of an audience, particularly my family. It has been a nice experiment and I don't regret it, but it seems like I am starting to repeat myself. I will still keep up with my writing, it just won't be here!!

A couple new pics

2007-08-07T17:55:00.000-07:00

We spent the day at Tahoe and I actually got into the water and swam with the kids - this is one of Sara's best friends from school - a great kid

New martial artist to be - she is going to kick your ass - so watch out

Darkness, darkness, no color no contrast

2007-08-03T06:33:00.000-07:00

Darkness
Wonder makes it easy
Darkness With a joyful mask
Darkness Tube's gone,
darkness, darkness, darkness
No color no contrast

Every self-help book I have ever read speaks of the virtue of forgiveness, moving on, leaving the past in the past and living in the present. These are great words of wisdom, and if you can live by them, you are definitely better off. Just in my experience, it doesn't work - not entirely. I know I have given it a try. I know I want to think I am somewhat self-aware and have made progress to the point that I can feel this. Just some wounds - they are so deep - that they don't seem they will entirely ever heal. I remember my brother came visit me 3 times in about a 2 year period - and there is a history of mutual hurt and friction between us. Every time he came to visit something came up that got him very upset, whether it was something said or done by another member of the family, or myself - it always seemed to happen. The intention was noble, and I admire him for doing it, and I know he wanted to feel the past was something that could be overcome as well. Clearly though the fact that these things happened was an indication that was not the case.

I know I have read so many times that those who I believe inflicted my wounds upon me - had their own problems, they did the best they could, it was not their fault and just to be grateful for the things they did. And really - it is not that gratitude is not there, because it is. But if you imagine a scab - buried deep in your psyche, and every time it looks like that scab is starting to harden from its original bloody mess, every time it looks like it is starting to get better, somehow or another it is picked at and it starts oozing and pussing all over again right when it seems like it was getting better.

So - clearly this is happening now - and really the best way I have found to deal with it, as screwed up as it sounds to others - is just minimize the contact with those where the association is there. Maybe it sounds cold, maybe it sounds hateful, maybe it sounds unforgiving - but the way I see it - if the hurt and anger is there - and clearly it is - and if I am not at the level of awareness and enlightenment where I can get past it - which also seems to be the case - than why continue to subject myself to it? So lately that has been my strategy - avoidance of those that bring it on - because even the smallest amount of contact seems to bring it right back. When I decided to not go on the boat ride that will happen next summer, I am sure some saw that as disrespectful, spiteful, downright shitty. One of my best friends told me I knew myself pretty well because I could see right down the road of all of the emotions I would be riding leading up to the boat ride, never mind the actual ride itself. They were the same emotions I had last time the family got together, surges of anger, resentment, feelings of being trapped, dread - just generally not the greatest feelings. I know myself - those feelings are there if I place myself in that situation again. They are an emotional trap waiting to be sprung. So I just know that rather than to throw myself into that trap, I am better off walking around it. Ironically enough it means I have an easier time getting along with these people - my family - if I am not placed in those situations.

Ideally I would be over it, ideally I would move on, ideally I would forgive and forget and be past all this. Maybe to some degree I have forgiven, but there is no way I can ever forget, even if I want to. Our emotions are real and I feel these things, whether I want to or not. Emotions and physical pain are there to tell us something - to remove your hand from a burning stove - and in this case, they are warning me ahead of time not to throw myself into a disastrous situation. I have to listen to them, even if I don't particularly like what they are saying about my own psyche. I want to be "in the light", I want to live a life of love - love is my highest ideal. But if I really want to know who I am, I have to pay heed to the darkness as well. There is no doubt in my mind that it is alive and well inside of me.

Have I offended someone?

2007-07-31T16:28:00.000-07:00

Have I offended someone is a compilation of music by Frank Zappa - but also an interesting concept. How do you offend someone really - unless you reach a part of somebody that is already offensive - in that case isn't somebody really offending themselves on their own and using your words or actions as an excuse? That is my conclusion - and the reason I don't sweat it too much when I receive a complaint from someone I know. On a professional or business level, it is entirely a different matter - because on a professional level it is rare that I receive a complaint from anyone. In fact overall I am pretty well liked. But on a personal level, it can happen when I am not even trying or intending to.

I sent an e-mail reply to someone I know and this person complained to my wife that it was too business like. Okay...so I forgot to put a smiley face on it - did I do something wrong? Well - no - but it was perceived that way. Do I have any regrets that I didn't throw in more cheese and mush in the e-mail? No - sometimes I am just not in the mood for that. So I offended someone without trying there. I hate to say it, but as Pigpen once said, something to the effect that is your fault because it is none of mine. Maybe I am offending this person even more by writing this now.

Let's go to birthdays - to me a birthday was a big deal at age 10. Now it is just another day, a reminder that I am one day closer to being 6 feet under the clay with angels to lay me away. So I don't give it a lot of thought. The whole concept of a birthday, marking age by how many times the planet has gone around the sun, is somewhat arbitrary. So needless to say I did not keep score of those who told me happy birthday and those who did not. Some in my family did, some did not and I honestly have to scrape my memory to even remember which ones did or did not. I did not give it a lot of thought. Yet I was told I was making a statement by not remembering or honoring someone's birthday - and I get the feeling this person put a lot of effort into feeling shunned, disrespected or dis-honored for my oversight. In my mind - if there is too much of an effort going into something, I am not doing it. It has to happen naturally, otherwise it is forced. That is how I approach writing. Never mind that my daughter was screaming and flailing in a hospital recently and maybe I was pre-occupied. Some times I just don't think about it, have other things going on - and maybe if you think the world revolves around you only, you don't see where I am coming from. But low and behold, it was an oversight - not a "statement" of any, way shape or from. If everyone else you know remembered your b-day, you could look at the glass half full and be thankful for those who did remember, or go glass half empty and dwell on and focus on the one(s) who didn't. In that case, maybe you take every single action, or inaction as a slight or disrespect. Maybe in turn you are often disrespectful to others, as you feel it is your right, but you demand complete and utter respect from everyone in spite of that. In that case I would label you as impossible to please, and no matter what I do you are going to find something wrong with it. That being the case - why bother to try? So again - other than writing this out, I am not going to worry about it too much, because no matter what I do, it won't be good enough.

The reality is this - self-sacrifice is admirable in concept, but if you aren't somehow or another first fulfilling yourself it transforms into martyrdom and resentment. So if I am seen as a selfish bastard, maybe I need to be a little selfish before I can give back - after all - I can't give anything back if there is not first anything in my heart or soul to give. So these days, I am out to take care of myself, because nobody else is going to. I don't ask you to take care of me, and I probably coud not take care of you even if I wanted to. As far as my interaction with anybody, it is a clean slate - I owe you nothing, and likewise, you owe me nothing. Forget about the past - (I try to anyways) the past is gone - it is just now. Same applies to the future - it means nothing, we don't even know if we will be alive tomorrow. So I will not be "held hostage" as my manger used to say, to either one. It is just today - and today I need to take care of myself. I am not going to participate in an event that I know I will hate, because maybe others will be pleased to see me there. I need to play my music, pray, meditate, remind myself how much love is there around me - and work where I want to, and live where I want to. These are not luxuries, they are essential for my own survival and well being. Once I get my essentials met, then I can do the secondary sacrifices, take care of my family, be there as much as I can for my wife and daughter. Again - I am not chopping off my own head and moving to a place I will hate in the vain hope that others might be pleased by this - because I already know I belong here. If my wife does not belong here, she is free to go where she does. I really don't want her to leave, but I can't take it too personally if she does. We all have our path to follow, some times they converge, some times they separate. It may sound cold, but it is the way it is. Self de-capitation does not really accomplish anything.

So for those who are offended by what I have done in the past, may be offended by what I do in the future, and even those offended by what I am writing right now - I am quite sorry you feel that way, but what you see is what you get with me. I am who I am and I make no excuses for it. If you want to get along with me, that's great. Take me as I am, and I will do the same with you. Just don't ask me to accommodate any special requests, try to please you, or try to be a royal kiss ass about it - because it just isn't who I am. In return, you will know that when I say or do something for you, it came from my heart and did not come out of grudging obligation. What I am really isn't all that bad as far as I am concerned - and that really is what is important. As one of my favorite author says, I am the main character in my story, but just a projected supporting actor in yours. It really doesn't matter in the end what you think, because you are not even really seeing me to begin with. I wish I could take on the world and solve everyone else's problems, but these days it seems I have quite enough of my own to contend with:

You gotta live life for yourself
Can't live life for anyone else
You gotta live life, that's all you do
Nobody gonna live your life for you

Keep your Day Job

2007-07-28T06:24:00.001-07:00

Not a popular song among Dead Heads - but I always liked it. Anyways - I know people who talk about where they work on their blogs can get into trouble. So I am going to take a big risk here. Obviously my real name is not on here and I am not going to say where I work either. People who know me know the name. What I am going to say is I have waited my whole life to have this job. I always liked my field - it allowed me to get out of the office, have some flex time with my family, drive around in an often inspiring landscape through the Sierras and the desert. Unfortunately my last company thrived on labor exploitation, pushing you to your limit, and treating you like a piece of shit that should just be thankful to have a job while the managers and big wigs thrived off your misery. They lost me - and they are possibly going to lose my replacement as well - which I would love to see happen, not out of revenge as much as he might come over and join us here too and I would like to work with him again after training him on the way out the door over THERE.

I am making more money - which does not seem to matter because I haven't saved a cent and the financial assault just keeps on coming - but that is okay because I would be even worse off on the salary I had before. A financial assault is somewhat relative - as I know some who possibly by their own choosing are in a far more challenging situation than I am - and not to judge, because whatever works for you who am I to say, but all I know is I have always been conservative financially and I try to keep the combined house balance to a minimum. So that is my choice anyways, but kind of a side track.

This company is a great company to work for, they make you feel valued, they don't try to work you to death - although obviously you are paid to get a job done, and quite frankly I am very capable of doing it. It does feel good to get compliments from my manager and other people I work with, and I do like to feel appreciated - I mean - who doesn't? Sure at the beginning it was incredibly frustrating and the first month was like one continuous Murphy's Law, but I am on my 7th month now and it is coming together. I stay in touch with a friend from my last company and every time I hear about it I just can't believe how lucky I am to not be there and to be here. I keep on thinking I am going to be waking up from a dream - I mean - something this good can't be real, can it? I keep waiting for something bad to happen, but it doesn't. This company is pretty strong financially, they aren't going anywhere, and as long as you do what they ask of you they treat you as part of the family. I am not naive - I mean I know they profit off my work - but I have no problem with that at all as long as I am treated well in the process. And they seem to know to have the good people who work for them to make them profitable, that treating them right is the way to go about it, unlike the somewhat fucked up neurotic company where I spent a good 17 years of my life working. I "did my time and paid my dues" there, but it is sure nice to have weekends free, have my driving area (no more California trips) reduced, not worry about the phone going off in the middle of the night to drive to some place freezing cold at 3 in the morning, or to have to deal with auto body shops in any way shape or form.

So maybe I am doing something right after all. Maybe I am finally hitting a wave of good karma here. Sure I am middle aged, the family continues to drain me and it is not the happily ever home situation here, but I have to count my blessings - I am not divorced, I own my house (even if I can't imagine ever paying it off), I have a great job, and I have semi-religious experiences a few times a week when there is enough warmth and sun-light out to allow me to grab my guitar and play in the backyard - which is usually about 9 months out of the year. (I am going to treat myself to a new guitar this year - if all of my paycheck is flying out the door anyways for things outside of my immediate wants, I might as well do something for myself). My health is good - all groin and shoulder strains aside (I actually strained my arm swimming at the hotel in Vegas a couple weeks back - the real sign of an old man). Sure the 220 cholesterol was a wake up call, but I am eating healthier now - really watching the cholesterol content in everything - cutting out the eggs and eating a lot less meat. Those spare 20 pounds won't go away, but I still feel good. Over all - I can't complain about too much - except for the vet bills, except for my wife wanting to move back to Chi-town, except for the all of Sara'a medical and psych bills....okay okay, I really can't complain about too much in the scheme of things. When your work situation is good, your outlook is positive and you love the place you live in, it has a way of making every other obstacle in life seem easier to take.

Burning with optimism's flames

2007-07-22T07:09:00.000-07:00

Song title from an old tune by XTC. Being an optimist is new to me - I have spent most of my life - at least half anyways - being very pessimistic and thinking happiness does not exist. Now that has changed, even though there are many things to be upset about right now if I let them pull me in. Sara's problems continue - I see that they are not as severe as last year and I think they will improve. The animals - and I know some will be critical of this - but yes - they all seem to be a money drain requiring more and more veterinarian visits. I don't like it - I walk out of the vet office pretty upset at times, but life goes on. I guess even the money drain could be worse, and it is all karma anyways, and a chance to reflect that it could be worse. More may come out then comes in at times, but it finds a way to balance out and I believe somehow or another it will let up or get better. I am around some very negative people at times, okay - I am married to one - and she is clearly not happy and thinks she would be happier somewhere else . She thinks Sara would have a better chance of healing in Chicago then here. Maybe so - maybe not. I personally would rather her stay here, but maybe they head out there for a few months to find out - maybe even longer than that. Not much I can do about it - if it has to happen, then why resist it. All I can do is focus on what is going on inside me - and try to be as positive as I can with the messages I send myself. Maybe it carries over to others, maybe not. All you can do is try. I am almost done with my latest recording - 50 minutes in anyways - and they are all tunes I wrote from this year. They are all like medicine to me - they speak to a part of me that has been hungry for this message for years. If anything will ultimately stand out to me for this time period, that will be it for me - these songs and the power they have over me to see the brightness of life that Monty Python talks about in Life of Brian.

There it is - short and sweet - time for a walk now.

Another song

2007-07-14T18:08:00.000-07:00

This one was meant to be something that might inspire my Sara - who you can see performing at her play today here . So far only words are available:

Sara (7-11-07)

Sara our sweet-heart, our beautiful love
Sara our gift from the heavens above
A glowing spirit like the moon in the sky
Believe in your spirit, you can soar you can fly

We love you so much, but you must love yourself
It comes first from you, alone and nobody else
Just say Sara I love you a few times a day
Don’t dwell upon others, who don’t see it your way

Some times life can be painful, but pain goes away
You won’t always feel, what you’re feeling today
It is just a small pain, everyone takes a fall
Believe it will pass, and you won’t feel it at all

The great spirit has blessed you, with a beautiful heart
A beautiful soul, a face a work of art
A playful spirit that lets you laugh, love sing
A warrior’s strength to get you through everything

The animals, creatures, even spiders your friends
Every spirit a blessing that the Goddess sends
Nothing can hurt you, if you start to believe
That you’re blessed and protected, all the monsters will leave

Some times it’s so frustrating, that you just want to cry
But you can do anything, if you just give it a try
And just keep on trying, don’t you ever go up
You can play great music, everybody will love

Your life is a blessing, it is never a curse
You might think you are punished, but it could be worse
It is just a life trial, that we all go through
You are going to survive, just like we all do

Embrace the beautiful day, the enchanted night
Don’t bow down to the pain, stand up and give it a fight
Your life has so much potential, that we call can see
Sara you can be whatever you want to be

One step closer to you

2007-07-07T07:50:00.000-07:00

Til I let go of a broken heart..
I let go to an open heart..
I let go of my broken dreams..I let go to the mystery
and I believe in the miracle..
I believe in the spiritual..
I believe in the one above..
I believe in the one I love

I think after listening to this Franti tune tons of times the last verse maybe "one of love" and not "one I love" - but either way, it is one of my favorite songs of his. The line about let go of a broken heart to an open heart, to me expresses a kind of death and re-birth that is necessary for self-growth. As a couple, we have experienced our own near death and coming back from it has made us stronger. I know I have been going overkill on quoting his stuff lately, but lyrically he seems to be the current artist who reflects my views on so many things lately.

Today is July 7 - meaning 11 years ago was the first date I had with my wife. Coincidentally, my parents birthdays and anniversary are around this time as well. I remember the awkward drive to Julian with Victoria, she was getting ready to move back to Chicago and I was telling her I would miss her when she went. back I tried to do a little singing in the forest for her, but we were covered with flies. She made the comment once that she must really trust me for me taking her off so far to the outskirts of San Diego, and her room-mate actually scolded her later. A lot of people do trust me instinctively - despite the Ted Bundy like personality I seem to have, most people seem to realize I am pretty non-threatening. We drew a Tarot card when she came back to my lovely little shack by Mission Bay, and for some reason that inspired her to ask me to hold her, which felt really nice - and our little smooch we had I will always remember. Something about being with her felt like being home - it did then, and it still does now.

So - needless to say - we have had our challenges, and still do. She is still talking about moving back to Chicago, and that issue has and never will be resolved. Depression hovers around us at times, and depression can be all-consuming. We are together now, but the future is uncertain - as it has been with us from the beginning. It is a day at a time now. We have had struggles with everything from intimacy to the conflicts about what the next project will be and the funds to do it - in other words - sex and money - the two number one topics couples fight about. In some ways we are complete opposites, and yet in some ways our minds connect and we can be completely on the same page. Both of the hormones are flying and affecting emotions as we approach the official mark of mid life, growing old, coming to terms with the fact that we aren't young any more, where we are going, and what we are doing. And of course- having a child with stomach and stress issues is always a challenge too - and by the way - the initial indication from this somewhat stressful procedure she had is that everything is seemingly normal - at least from a clinical point of view.

What I can really go into is my perspective here because even though I know her well, I can't read her mind either. I think if I had ever really decided to throw in the towel here, and say okay - you are right - we can't work this out - let's go our separate ways, we would not be together now. Yet somehow I have always believed in our relationship, and faith can be contagious. You can look at the glass half full or empty, and I am choosing half full - even though I could spend hours here dwelling on the half empty if I wanted to. I could provide a long list of my wife's character "flaws" if you want to call them that, things that rub me the wrong way about her, and I am sure she could double the list of mine in a heartbeat and we could spend hours telling the world about the crappy aspects of who each of us are.

But - we are human beings, and as Don Ruiz says - once we look inside past our own judgements and poisoned conditioning, we see we are perfect in our imperfection. I have spent a long time writing and singing about this re-programming - and it is no coincidence I am more at peace with myself than I have ever been. I am not going to tell you all the poison is out, but it is not as consuming as it once was. Sure I was pissed off when I couldn't hook up the new VCR/DVD - but in the past I would have been more so. This time I looked ahead and told myself - somehow it is going to be okay - and even though the combination of the heat outside and the environment of Hell Mart made me feel somewhat nauseous the last time I had to go into the place to figure this thing out, it did work out - and having a little faith goes a long way. This faith is something I have developed toward the latter part of my life, slowly but surely, and maybe in my case I have been lucky enough to grow a little wiser with age.

But this same faith applies to us. We hit a lot of bumps in the road in our relationship - that in the scheme of things are just that - bumps. You can choose to look at them as insurmountable obstacles, or you can say - we have come this far - and like the Beatles song says "We Can Work it Out". Part of it is past history - 2 1/2 years ago it was looking about as bleak as it ever has been, but we were lucky enough to hit the right therapist locally - and they can be hard to find here - who said the right words at the right time to bring us back together. So in my case, I do believe in a little bit of a team of destiny here because the odds are already against a couple lasting together 11 years.

The main thing I have learned is it is indeed a blessing to have a companion by your side - someone who has been there for more than a 1/4 of your life. Yet this companion cannot be the one to fulfill you and complete you on every level. If I don't feel loved, I can't rely on her to make me feel loved. That has to come from within first. I can't control how she may be feeling, she may be in the get away from me mode for reasons that are out of my control. But I can turn within to find a world of everything I have ever wanted and wished for. The answer is within and fulfillment must come there first. Once that happens, you can bring that to the table and build upon the foundation of a relationship with that. But if you are demanding completion and fulfillment from your partner on every level, it is the old sinking ship where you will just weigh it down and there will be nothing to hold it up. I have found it - through a lot of soul searching, music - songs like the one I am going to list at the end of this - that may seem kind of creepy to some more traditionally minded, but I have found them to be pretty inspiring myself. And once you find it, it does not just stay there, you have to keep working at it every day. Just like the Evan Almighty movie we saw on the 4th, once you pray for something it is just not a magical granting of a wish - you have to make it happen with the opportunity presente.d

What I like about the Franti song is it goes against the typical love song formula of now I have found you and all my dreams will come true. Most people expect that now and that is why so many people don't last. It is not that our dreams cannot come true, but the individual person has to do that for his or her self - it is way too much of a burden to place that on another human. We want our partner to be superman or superwoman, a god or goddess, but at some point you are with someone long enough and you realize they are just a human being and you get really pissed off at them for that - but that is all we really are after the sex and projections wear off. You can keep on chasing your tail looking for the rush, but it won't happen with one person.

I know it is the greatest blessing to have loved ones in your life - especially since I spent a good portion of it alone - I realize that having a family, a wife - a person to come home to every day - no words can describe how beautiful that is. It is not the happily ever after described in fairy tales, but it is a beautiful thing anyways - it is just that some times I have to count my blessings and realize how good I in fact do have it when it is not going the way I want it to during a present conflict.

So - heading in another direction here, this is my last tune I put together yesterday - it is inspired by the sun setting - my favorite time of day:

The Witching Hour 7-06-07

This is the magical time when life in day mates with the black night death,
In sharp climactic heavy breaths of rainbow orange bursting out through the clouds
This is the beautiful time when the breeze flies out through the leaves,
Creates an enchanted musical piece, with branches dancing, swinging out so loud
This is the spirit’s time when the faces born from visions dance and speak,
Bursting out from the rocks, the plants and the trees, imagination dreams are real
This is the innocent time, when the thoughts from the ghosts come alive,
As they float toward the everlasting light, the time for broken hearts to mend and to heel

Now is the end of time when life and death meet up and collide, the groom embracing the spirit bride, walking hand in hand side by side
Now is the supernatural time when the goblins and banshees glide, on a broom through a black cloud to ride, with the full moon pouring through the flowing tide
Now is the all knowing time, when one mind reaches out and connects, to each and every one of all of the rest, to feel a part of the highest of all powers
Now is the sweetest of times, the enchanted possessed and blessed bewitching, this is the everlasting witching – this is the witching hour

This is the passionate time when all providing love consumes the air, a sweet seductive goddess shining fair, is so close surrounding everywhere
This is the satisfying time when the dream emerges without from within, I feel her start to arise then begin, to make the healing love to my dry skin
This is the happiest of times, when every wishful longing dream comes true, all I really have to do, is to reach in, summon, connect till I find you
This is the wedding time, when the spirit meets the earthbound flesh, no fears or worries, mind at rest - I know that as I pray here I am blessed

Ass-hole Mountain - the song lyrics

2007-07-03T16:02:00.000-07:00

Naturally once I found out how close I am to such a legendary place, the song had to follow. This is set to a kind of Truckin cowboy beat:

Ass-Hole Mountain (6-25-07)

Some folks like to live in the big city, but I know it sure is hell ain’t the place for me
The air’s always so thick and Gawd damn smoggy, that I can’t hardly even barely see
There are just too many hostile people,
Packed like stinking sheep in overcrowded herds
Tempers always constantly a flaring,
Some jerk in a suit always flipping me the bird
So I left smelly Hell A for the country , headed out a packing toward the east
Now I’m all alone out here in the boon docks, just about as happy as I can be
I know now that I have reached my destiny, out here in the scenic countryside
Away from all that hustling and bustling, where I can hop on my donkey and go for a ride.. I’ve moved to –

Ass-hole – Ass-hole Mountain
Where the moon glows like the sun into the sky
When it rises up like a rocket over the mountain range
And I can see the Milky Way at night
I’ve moved to Ass-hole Ass-hole Mountain
Carved like too round cheeks into the land
You can call me and ass-hole for living here
But you know at least I know here where I stand

You might wonder what the hell I’m doing here
You might even ask preciesly why
I moved to a place where there’s nothing going on
But I can get my fill staring into the sky
You know I have never felt so connected
I love it so much sometimes I got to cry
Now that I have found my personal paradise
This will be the place I’ll fall down and die

Bury me at… Ass-hole – Ass-hole Mountain
Way up yonder in the northern Silver State
I’m not sure exactly how I got here
But I know that a living here’s my fate

Ass-hole Mountain

2007-06-24T05:56:00.000-07:00

I was at a gathering yesterday to celebrate Summer Solstice - and we were talking to the host who told us he drives by our town every day to get to work - which naturally prompted the question where do you work - and his response was over on Ass-hole Mountain - driving some heavy equipment for what I gathered to be mining and rock extraction. He looked real surprised that we had not heard of Ass-hole Mountain. I was waiting for the punch line that never arrived, or thinking it was a place like a bar that he had not liked and re-named - you know the way some people re-name a place like Home Depot - Home Despot, some kind of not so affectionate nickname - but he was dead serious. So I looked it up on Google - one guy put it up on his Flickr here - and sure enough, it really does exist and it is not too far from where I live.

I am one of those people who finds meaning in every event in my life, from seeing hidden faces that appear to be coming out of trees and rocks while I am in a meditational state, to the meaning of the people I have chosen to encounter in my life - so I see this as a real milestone - like I really am meant to be here where I live, like somehow or another I am on the right track. Not only do I know there is an Ass-hole Mountain, but its presence is within eyesight of my town. I am very moved by this.

Something I wrote and sang to my wife

2007-06-15T08:23:00.001-07:00

I probably had "Forever Young" in the back of my head when I thought of this:

A Prayer for you

May you learn to love yourself the way I love you
To adore and cherish you the way that I do
May you feel all the love that you give to others
Coming back to yourself, be your own loving mother

May you see the shining glow of the sunset skies
Is a mirror of the beauty that shines out from your eyes
May you see the glow that shines out from your skin
Is a reflection of the beauty of your spirit within

May you merge with the Goddess you continue to seek
Find her warm nurturing is within your reach
Breathe in and breathe out, all you have to do
You don’t have to find her, she’s already found you

May you listen to the message of the rabbits and birds
Feel the animal connection within their words
May the plants and the trees, the beauty of this land
Reflect the loving beauty coming from your own hands

May you learn to accept yourself the way that you are
You’ve come such a long way, you will still go so far
May you build a shield from others’ judgments of you
Know they just see themselves, when they judge its’ not you

May you make a truce with the pain from the past
Buried deep in a grave, it doesn’t have to last
When you free yourself from it, may you feel a re-birth
May you feel a connection with the sweet mother Earth

May you see that no-one else has the answer for you
Just the Goddess and the angel in the heart of you
May you breathe in and find they are there waiting for you
Close your eyes, embrace the loving magic in you

It’s for these thing that I will keep praying for you
To all the loving spirits that are surrounding you
For the miracle to happen however it does
For you to find in your heart the well of endless love

Charter Communications sucks

2007-06-13T09:09:00.001-07:00

E-mail I sent to them:

I just wanted to express my extreme disappointment with a late fee of $4.95. I called twice to talk to your representatives who both refused to waive it. I had an error in my bill when my service was disconnected, asked for a new bill, and when I paid it, I was told that because I did not pay the bil that was $120.00 too high I would be penalized for being late. Charter is the only company I have ever dealt with that did not give the customer the benefit of the doubt. When asked why I no longer use Charter, this is the reason - I was tired of improper billing, high prices and poor customer service like the service I had when I complained of my late fee. I will pay this amount, since it is not worth a credit report charge, but I again want you to know how complelely disappointing and upsetting this experience was. I was a loyal customer of yours for years and I believe that I deserved to be treated better.Thanks.

You never know what you'll find in an empty house

2007-06-09T06:28:00.001-07:00

I happened to be looking through an empty house for sale off of Stephanie Way, not too far from where our friend Viola lives. Anyways - not going to go into the reasons why I was looking at it, but I just was - and I saw this picture over a loft area on a wall that was drawn by hand onto the wall of the platform for sleeping. The guy kind of reminds me of Jim Morrison a little. It seemed to be pretty well done for someone just drawing a picture on a wall and it had a kind of magical fairy tale look to it, so I decided to get a couple pictures of it. In a strange way it was inspiring to me. Sure - it could be perceived as somewhat cheesy, maybe so - but I still felt compelled to make a second trip back into the house to get a better look and picture of it, even after I had all my data on the house completed already. It seemed to me whoever drew it was in some way living it, as there was a simultaneous piece of what looked like mistletoe on the room entrance. Here it is - unknown art from a house pending sale in north Minden.

Every little thing's gonna be all right

2007-06-02T06:18:00.000-07:00

That is a Bob Marley quote for anyone who does not know that - like if you live in a cave.

A month and a half ago I had intense testicle pain that went off and on for a couple weeks. Just at the point when I thought I was going to need an ultrasound, it went away. Well - as of last night it has come back, so that ultrasound is going to have to happen after all. Intuitively I still believe it is nothing major or life threatening, but since I happen to live in a world of science and somewhat relatively advanced medical technology, I need to use this to confirm that. Sure it is a little frustrating and the pain sucks, but it is what life has to offer me at this point.

On the married front - we have had some issues to face. It always seems to be that we are looking at the end - especially since that D word seems to keep coming up. I really believe we are better together than apart, and that I love my family here more than anything. The relationship you have with another is like the one you have with yourself, and as it is a love-hate relationship I have within myself, that transcends to the one I have with another person. There have been some tense moments, raised voices, silent distances that come with the territory. I know we can work it out - we will - but it is going to continue to be a challenge.

Our daughter's tests keep getting put off, but now set for June 28. The symptoms appear to possibly be along the lines of Crohn's Disease. It seems way too complicated to just lump it all under the stress category, as some days the symptoms are completely gone while other days they just show up with no apparent explanation. So far all of the psychiatric medication has produced nothing but side effects - another reason I have never been a big fan of pills. Once the tests are done, if anything we can rule out physical symptoms or diseases, or figure out possibly what this is all about.

Some may question this, but there is an apparent telepathic connection between my wife and daughter. Victoria told me - and I don't think she is making this up - she heard her crying intensely in the house - only she happened to be at school. She called the school, that was getting ready to call her - and that same intense crying was happening on the phone 14 miles away. Again - assuming this is a truthful statement - how do you explain that?

The last song I linked over in My Space has been a huge help to me getting through what I do. Lately I find writing and singing songs about love and self-acceptance are the best soul medication out there. My last set of songs I called "Self help on the way" and from the same Grateful Dead song I am going to call the next bunch "With love in the dream". I have recorded 4 of them on the 4-track over the last week. The one I posted on My Space was inspired by a lot of the different authors I have read - Don Ruiz, Thich Nhat Hanh, Ram Daas and even Depak Chopra - even some of Michael Franti's message was in there. The ideas may be recycled, but they are very helpful to facing the challenges of my life at this time. Digging in when times are challenging, and still finding the focus to access your deeper self and stay tuned into one's faith - to me that is what musical and artistic expression is about. That is why I know in spite of all this, every little thing is going to be all right - one way or another - it will work out, the way it was meant to be - the right way.

Thanks to all who have expressed support - I appreciate it.

My new

2007-05-26T14:12:00.000-07:00

song is here

Home floods - essentials to know

2007-05-25T13:09:00.000-07:00

A different direction here - a break from the emotional rantings - some of you may be highly relieved. Relax, read and enjoy the information I just learned at a class in town:

“Do it yourself” has consequences – personal fan and heater can incubate mold if insured homeowner tries to remediate mold on his/her own without professional help

Causes Washing machine hose is number one source of water damage inside – ice maker lines, dishwashers, toilets, water heaters also, nail in pipe – can go in when owner is working on home project using drill – will rust and develop as a slow leak – can take months to exhibit itself –

Personal protection: Filters for mold protection – N95 can be purchased from Home Depot – Interstate Safety Supply sells here locally in Sparks – as far east on Glendale as possible, turn right – latex gloves are good idea – Purcell also good as sanitizer. “Fit test” for respirator – qualitative – is it working, quantitative – how many particles are getting through. WET company cannot give their employees a respirator until this is done. HEPA recommended for what an adjuster would be exposed to. Tyvek suits – breathable suit to hold particulants and contaminants out, to be used once and then discarded. Consult with physician – Hepatitis B and Tetanus shots are highly recommended. Tyvek suits also helpful to protect against brown recluse and black widow spider bites. Wet and slippery floor is one of most common hazards.

Approved National Standard Institute – this is the extraction industry standard and they hold up in court – if extraction company or insurance company can use these standards they can cover themselves if they are questioned for mold later developing if challenged in court – the basis for this course – if you deviate from it, it needs to be justified – also can apply in bad faith cases “S500” is the particular standard

Asbestos testing – regardless of age, unless it is proven not to be there, required for testing if extraction employee is going to be doing any type of demolition for OSHA reasons – commercial properties and multi-residential over 4 units (condominium) – WET will test regardless if house is earlier than 1984 –

Initial Phone call from insured for flood – Advise insured: Preserve and protect property, get objects off floor, shut off water if possible, there are consequences of delayed action, is the source of water corrected

Drying carpet – if carpet has to come out, they will take it out – but they often “tent” carpet to help dry out subfloor – a lot of it depends on the backing used – delamination is not necessarily a function of age, more quality of carpet – WET will look at time it “should” have taken to dry it out – they try not to bill if they attempt to dry and then have to take it out anyways – regarding staining, furniture stains will not come out, rust stains from metal – if it is just discolored from water alone, WET is pretty confident that they can clean out the discoloration from water alone

Important documents/papers – If discovered within 24 hours and frozen within 48 hours, then can be preserved by freeze drying if contamination not issue. Sublimation – taking something from solid to vapor without ever becoming liquid – cost is about 75 dollars a cubic foot, plus shipping costs to ship to out of state facility.

Water migration - Check everywhere, moisture sensors, non-penetrating meters for inspecting sub-floors below hard surface flooring. “Hyrdosensor” moisture sensor – looks like a rifle with a metal pole attached – walk into room – all it will do is give initial indicator of where carpet is wet – can tell if pad is still wet. Voltage meter used to detect electrical current for water in crawlspace. Non-penetrating meters will check moisture without causing any damage.

High value area rugs – has to be cleaned thoroughly, immersed in biocide, re-cleaned and re-dried, clearance testing when exposed to category 3 black water – not worth saving if under 1,00 dollars in value

Micro-organisms – fungi/mold – reproduce – live as parasites or saprophytes, posses a body with rigid cell walls, simple plants that lack choorphyll, some species active when wet humidity above 60% Rh (relative humidity) , feed and grow by absorbing digested matter, most fungi thrive in moist and warm environment, after one or more conditions for growth reducing likelihood of fungi reproducing, by nature mold uses air currents to disperse its mold spores to other territories for survival and reproduction. Never just blow air on mold without scrubber otherwise mold spores will spread. Air flow is good to prevent mold from developing. Mildew is mis-used term for growth on plants. Prefers damp dark environment, 68 to 86 degrees. Acid growth substances are needed, most mold will not grow colder than 55 or warmer than 115 degrees. Potential food sources for mico-organisms: carpet adhesives, organic soils within structure, carpet fibers, upholstery, paper (drywall, books, documents, photos) and wood framing, floors walls and tackless strips. Spores are the reproductive aspect of mold. Mold is like a tree with seeds, but grows very quickly.

Pet odors - Shellac based product will seal subfloor for pet odors, Kilz will not work.

Mold on base level drywall – you do not want to just take off baseboard and expose to carpet, it is important to keep it contained or taped so that mold on baseboard does not contaminate carpet (MDF medium density fiberboard is thin coat on particle board – majority of existing baseboard) – if it is water damaged, it has to be replaced – solid wood can be saved - use razor knife to avoid pulling texture off wall

Water damaged materials

Materials physically damage and swell – particle board beneath vinyl if swollen has to come out, laminated wood flooring has to be replaced. Wet insulation means wall is coming out. Drywall is gypsum powder between two pieces of paper. It becomes fragile when wet and more stable as it dries. Wet drywall can be saved, but if it is pulling loose from fasteners it has to come out. This is the reason for drilling holes at base area – a lot of the time it can be saved by doing this if it is not coming from fasteners. Water marks on ceiling will reflect the taped areas where the drywall connects to the studs since the water will penetrate the nailed areas at the holes – will also show up at the on center stud points as circles between the tape lines. Decision to drywall is also a function of how cost effective it is to dry/repair vs. replace. Hydroscopic material means it absorbs water. Engineered wood floor more difficult to preserve than pure wood due to glue and materials added to wood.

Carpet delamination

Causes include water, improper installation, excessive foot traffic, over aggressive extraction, and improperly specified carpet cushion (particularly berber carpet). There are two layers – primary and secondary backing. When carpet is wet it looses 50 percent of its strength, so extreme efforts to dry can cause it to delaminate. Folding carpet can cause damage, and rolling it up can also scratch walls. Decision to repair or replace – category 2/3 will warrant replace. Reasons to restore – good condition, expensive high-quality, customer preference, matching issues. Reasons to replace – wear, delamination, stains/mold, customer preference. Carpet awl tool and knee kicker are tools used to ensure proper removal and reduce risk of damage to backings. Iron on top of wet terry towel can be used to remove seamed areas to pull apart/melt glue at tape. Avoid pulling seams if possible. Other option is to use carpet rake and to pull out pad from under seamed area.

Aggressive drying

This means primary focus on drying vs. replacement – drying wet materials with no disruption to installation, leaving highly porous materials means more need for equipment.

Submersible pump

7.48 gallons of water in one cubic foot – large pumps removed 2400 gallons per hour and 600 gallons per hour for smaller pump – amount of time to remove is number of cubic feet times 7.48 gallons of water divided by gallons per hour capacity of machine (2400 or 600 in case above). Weight = number of gallons x 8.34 for total pounds

Flood cuts – reason for height cut into the wall – 2 feet beyond visible mold is to go beyond the visible mold for mold that cannot be seen. At 2 feet sheet can be split, or at 16 inches sheet can be split in thirds.

Air machines for mold

Air scrubber and negative air machine is the same machine but set up differently. Air scrubber – uses HEPA filtration machine – air runs through it and clean air comes out the other side – particulates are filtered out along with dust, mold, particulates – filters last 6 to 12 months – they mostly can re-used per job, with exception of hospital – it is bagged and re-used – it should not show up on a bill – it is maintenance and should be built into the cost as line item. Two outside filters used before third filter HEPA filter is reached and the item per day cost reflects those charges, those are replaced about once a day. Length x width x height = cubic feet – also height of ceiling times floor area. 4 air exchanges one hour is optimal. At window area, duct is run out the window so that air is pulled out from room – negative means air is pulled out of room – air scrubber is used as negative air machine ones it pulls air out of room, but it is still the same machine. They are used to clean the air to get the spores out. Generally one machine used per contained area, unless it is a very large area.

Aerosolization

Process where contaminants below surface – such as sewage – become airborne – care must be taken to prevent from happening during removal process

Moisture meters

Dry standard used to compare non –dry for moisture readings

Contamination category

Amount of contamination – category 1 – clear water – category 2 – some contaminants – within 48 hours can move up to ---category 3 – human waste, sewer water, prolonged category 2 – category 2 pad must come out, category 3 all carpet and pad must go

Classes of water exposure (amount of equipment based on class) The more standing water, the faster the evaporation rate
Class 1 – small section of room – not a lot of water – slow evaporation rate
Class 2 - majority of room – and affected walls 24 inches or less, faster evaporation rate
Class 3 – entire room – wet ceilings and walls carpet and pad with water more than 24 inches – fastest evaporation rate
Class 4 – specialty drying – wet materials with low permeance/porosity – hardwoods, subfloor, plaster, brick

Hydroscopic

Term meaning matierals that absorb water – term applies to particle board

Removing wet drywall

Be aware of asbestos and lead paint – 1978 and 1979 homes had lead paint

I believe that what you sing to the clouds, will rain upon you when your sun has gone away

2007-05-13T07:14:00.000-07:00

Not too much this week - I mean there is a lot going on - my daughter is going to have to undergo some serious tests requiring hospitalization, but overall - life goes on. It has been pointed out that I complain - yes - I do - but if that is all that is seen here, then the point is being clearly missed. Yep - life sucks some times - yes there are a lot of obstacles to deal with, and some times a lot has to be taken away so that everything is put into perspective, but through all of the tough times - what gets me through it is one thing - faith. That is the point I try to come away with here, it may be a point that is missed with all of the other items I delve into - after all - a clear exposing of all of my personal issues, fears, phobias, depressions and neuroses might be seen like whipping out my privates to some - but hey - we all got feelings - I just don't have a problem with - to a degree anyways - expressing them. In this society is still considered taboo to do that, especially coming from a guy. Along the way, one's own projections and issues come into play and hence some of the negative reactions I get here. I just know I am still here, and I can survive in the face of a lot of unpleasant emotions, and life situations - because I do have an overhwelming faith in something good - a force of love, God, Goddess, nature - the world around me - that gets me through it. Without that - I don't know how I would do it.

When I first heard the song below, the lead singer called upon a hippie lady who seemed to know the words from the audience and she sang it - braless and flapping away, clearly uninhibited and then he was joined by members of the audience, so I couldn't really pick out the words until later, but I just love the message - it is a message that no matter how much life gets you down, keep on going, keep on pursuing and then the "rainbow comes". It helped to sing this song when my testicles felt like they were going to explode in pain when they were hurting now long ago. I just learned the chords - a basic G C F Am and it is a nice one to play out in the backyard with a view of the mountains and the wind blowing through the trees. I felt like I could have written it myself, but obviously someone else thought of it first. There is a line about friends in there - I am thankful for the many that I do have who come in here to read this. You may not make your presence known but I know you are there.

Yes I Will - Michael Franti

I received a letter, that you wrote me, On a dark, cold and cloudy day.
Reminded me on the side of the road, You'll find a light you'll find a friend you'll find a way.
Well today i'm feelin' all broke down, I ain't got the faintest clue 'bout what to do,
Can't comprehend the situation at hand, So i'll try my best just to get back home to you.

Keep on walkin' now, (yes i will,)
Keep on takin' bout it (yes i will.)
Keep on singin' bout it (yes i will,)
Keep on ringing out (yes i will.)

I believe that what you sing to the clouds, Will rain upon you when your sun has gone away,
And I believe that what you dream to the moon, Will manifest before you rest another day.
So stay strong, and sleep long, and when you need to Let the morning take you out right on through the day, hey hey,
And when you find you're at the end of the road, Just lift your head up, spread your wings and fly away, come on yall!

When you lost and alone, that's when a rainbow comes. When your lost and alone that's when a rainbow comes for you

Got to scrape that shit right off your shoes

2007-05-09T09:17:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the Stones for that line from Sweet Virginia

Let me start by going audience participation today - today's gem comes from my last post:

"Miles Greenburg said...
I have a friend who, through pure torture, asked me to read your recent post. He asked me to explain it to him... but all I have to say is, "WHAT???!" You write a lot but never seem to come to a point. I don't doubt your life is just as pointless"

Hey Miles - if that is your real name - somehow I think it might be something else, but let's just say that really is your name. Let me address your concerns here.

As to the point - that I practically beat you over the head with in my last writing, if I have to explain a point that is that clearly spelled out in high school English (I am not one on big words) - then - well - I don't know what to tell you brother. Read it again, bring it to your ninth grade teacher for an explanation. There aren't any big words in there or anything- it is pretty straightforward. It does require like - a slight bit of intuition since it does go into the realm of human emotions, and if you are as completely disconnected from yours as you seem to be, well - it might be a little confusing for you and your - err.. FRIEND. (I won't even ask you to explain your friend). I wouldn't go around advertising that you didn't get what I wrote - if it is too complex for you, I might suggest such fine shows on PBS as Sesame Street or the Teletubbies. Come on Miles - how can you not get the point of what I wrote?

Now if you don't like what I wrote - that's fine - you don't have to. Maybe my writing style is complete shit as far as you are concerned. Based on your contributions here, I am as equally unimpressed with your style - so we are even there. But assume you are right - and this is a bunch of rank, whining, hysterical, pointless bullshit - which causes a reaction of torture on your end - given that - explain why you are still reading this. It may seem like a wild concept to you, but when I see something I don't like, I stop reading it. Like I said before, that is why I read no other blogs - they don't interest me - but you are still here buddy. I suspect you are getting something out of it. Maybe you love to hate it - some people see crappy movies for that reason - even then, you must find some value - otherwise, you would simply disappear. The fact is Miles - like it or not - you are hooked. You can't walk away even if you wanted to. I appreciate the compliment Miles - you are taking the time, effort and energy to read my shit. It may be torture for you Miles, but you keep coming back for more.

As far as my life being pointless Miles - once upon a time it was, some time I even feel at times it can be. But what makes my life meaningful is my ability to write, even if you in your infinite wisdom think what I write - sucks. I have positive feedback from others and my wife likes to hear what I wrote every Sunday morning. It brings us together in times that are tough. It also makes me feel good to write it, and expressing myself here, musically and in other realms has in fact given my life meaning. That's the point for me, even if to you it is pointless. I am going to go out on a limb Miles and state that you are projecting your own pointlessness onto my writings. After all, you ever want to hear how someone feels about themselves, just see what they have to say about someone or something else.

Thanks for being a part of my audience Miles - you'll keep coming back. In the words of Frank Zappa:

You will obey me while I lead you
And eat the garbage that I feed you
Until the day that we don't need you
Don't go for help . . . no one will heed you
Your mind is totally controlled
It has been stuffed into my mold
And you will do as you are told
Until the rights to you are sold

Love is like a faucet - it turns off and on

2007-05-06T06:25:00.000-07:00

About halfway through writing this I finally realized Billie Holiday had the best quote for this stretch of writing:

I haven't thought of the title for this yet, but I imagine Peter Gabriel covered this in his Us album somewhere so when I can think of the right lyric to cover this it will show up there. Last week I talked about my past quite extensively - and maybe the reason I am so stuck upon it is I see the connection between my past and present life quite often, especially when I am going through yet another emotional storm - as these storms seem to come and go like the ones in the physical environment. I wasn't even sure about writing about this here as it is pretty personal, but I have to write about it somewhere, so it might as well be here.

Right now I am reading a pretty interesting book by Deepak Chokra called Life After Death. I have leaned toward believing something lies after our passing, but obviously I can't prove it one way or the other - and his citing of near death experiences does not prove anything necessarily either, but also re-reading Ram Dass - a book called The Only Dance There Is - both books talk about karma - and I have touched on it before. I think particularly if you have gone through a troubling experience - one that continues to occur in my case as the result of a past one, than accepting karma makes it a smoother pass than falling into the angry victim path.

This all falls upon my belief that I have altered between two extremes - on the one side of love, nourishment, and acceptance - on the other side between hatred, emotional starvation, and rejection. In my life the way I chose to deal with them has been in three phases - the first - in my childhood - the "comfortably numb" (thanks to Roger Waters) approach - tuning it out - not really accepting what was happening and living in an empty spiritual void. The second - when my emotions finally had to balance things out, to go to a bi-polar extreme - one of feelings of great despair to the point of wanting to end my life, but on the opposite extreme - realizing there was a whole world of spiritual wonder to be experienced, that I never knew about until I got high on my own brain's malfunction. I think drugs like marijuana and then finally psychedelic mushrooms may have paved the way for that high, but I think that experience brought me to see that if I could get there - in a slightly more toned down version, I could experience the world as a spiritual magic type of place instead of a spiritual lacking void. At the same time I experienced the "mania" - not a word that I like much, but that's what people called it - I tapped into a huge vast unexplored world of anger - which is why my parents changed the locks on the doors. I was never a physical threat to anyone, as even in my angriest state I did a lot more screaming than hitting - but it was clear that my psyche was finally catching up with what it perceived to be a pretty unjust state of affairs - mainly that there is only so much emotional abuse, humiliation, taunting and hatred one can be exposed to before finally something extreme is going to happen.

So phase two - so to speak - was one where doors were opened, in that I could see a place I could be where I could know some concept of "God" on a pretty personal level - as that can happen when you are convinced that you are an Estimated Prophet (thanks Mr. Weir) living out the full extent of that song. So in this place where my doors were opened, I knew a place of holiness and extreme anger - both at the same time. 20 years is a long time to be angry without even knowing how angry you are, and even though it erupted in a volcano I stayed angry for a long time even after my neurotransmitters settled down a bit. So after I had a crush on a sweet young lady at my job, that turned obsessive and then erupted into further emotions where I went from feeling in love with her to hating her guts, well - that anger cycle stayed on - and after I went into the mandatory therapy required by my company, my shrink then convinced me that my parents were the most evil, horrific people in existence - and then I really felt angry at them - because they were the ones who had done this to me.

So - at phase three here - I can't tell you my anger is gone - I raised my voice at home the other day after a long trip - I can say I was tired - exhausted - I can come up with excuses, but ultimately it is on me - my anger has diminished, I try to do all I can to live in a state where it does not consume me - and on paper - I know it is only a fraction of what it once was. Part of this is thanks to therapy, part of it due to all the eastern books I have read - including an excellent one I already cited by Thich Nhat Hanh about Cooling The Flames - but I am delusional if I ever think it will ever entirely leave me - and the reality is once in a while I probably am going to blow up. Hopefully it will happen less and less, for a shorter and shorter time, but my anger is a part of who I am - it has gone from suppressed, to out of control, to finally an occasional erupting.

But this actually was not meant to be just about anger - which is a part of the equation - but more my alternating between love and rejection - because I know on some level that this lifelong search for love is the center of my karma. In my relationships - all of them - and of course that goes without saying that my marriage is my longest and most important - I have experienced both extremes, and the pendulum swings back between one and the other. So I can cry victim, I can talk crap about my wife and how evil she is and everything is wrong that she does, or I can realize that on a karmic level - I chose her to live out this alternating set of extremes, and if it was not here it would be somewhere else. That notion of an elusive mate who will love you all the time, take care of every need and desire of yours - hell - I bet if she was out there, I wouldn't know what to do with her. Early on in my relationship with my wife, when the pattern was starting to unfold - I realized there was a bit of a deja-vu here - that she was reminding me of every relationship I had experienced that had failed - and I on some level - when I was trying to track her down at Balboa Park for a meeting that had gone all wrong - this must have been in the summer of 1996 when I first started dating her - I realized that if I didn't face it with her, it was going to be with someone else - so why fight it and instead just take it where it was going to take me.

So - 11 years later - almost now - here we are. We have had some wonderful times together - when it is going good with her, I sometimes feel like I have died and gone to heaven and can't believe how well I have it. And of course, when things are not going so well - well - you can put two and two together. At this point in our lives, with both of our hormones going south - hers approaching menopause, mine approaching "manopause" - a phrase coined in the paper, and then the stress of a child who has symptoms that keep her from sleeping and going to school, the long search for treatment - the setting puts a ton of pressure on us. We have cultural differences, differences of where we want to live, we have the predictable conflicts about physical intimacy - we have come to a truce in the past regarding a lot of these, but at this point in life - it is pretty tense, I am sure the notion of separation and divorce starts to float out there once again - and really who knows what will happen. I am not a fortune teller. I know 11 years into the longest relationship I have ever been in, I can see why people have affairs, I can see why half of the people get divorced, I can see why for the other half that sticking it out is sometimes the most difficult task anyone can deal with. Ironically enough we turn to marriage for love and companionship, but in the end I think it can only last if you know how to survive on your own and find a way to meet your own needs so that you are not imposing them upon another individual.

So - the opposite end of the pendulum - the one I am obviously experiencing now, brings me back to my life task - the one I have experienced from birth - and that is to find within myself that which a human being can never provide me with. Although I have no subscribed religion, the notion of a Goddess figure - is kind of my do it yourself approach to dealing with this, borrowed somewhat from Pagan and Wiccan religions, but I am not really into the spells and potions and all the stuff that goes with it. It is my task to find the love I am seeking in my own spirituality - that has to come first - before it can be physically lived out. Hell - my poor wife is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, she has issues and tasks of her own, she is isolated, exhausted, hurt and how can I expect her to be my saviour. Right now she has to be where she is, and I have to be where I am and it feels like two people living alone in the same house. Maybe it will get better, maybe it will get worse - maybe it will just stay the same - but this is what it has to be and this has been what I have chosen on some level - my karmic choice, my destiny. I know for myself running away from this is not the answer - after all - "there really isn't very far to go" as a wise Hunter once said.

So - here I am - it ain't easy - it is sad, but life goes on. The mountains are still beautiful, the sky is still blue, I still wake up and life happens - there are people to meet and deal with, dogs to walk, songs to hear, and music to play.

So the lyrics I just wrote a couple days ago - will finish this post - just have now uploaded (link here): My space the video - as this entire post is kind of a lead up to the ideas expressed below:

My Sweet Love

Come now too me my sweet love
Nurturing love, beautiful love
Open up your loving sensual arms
Massage me with them, caress me with them
You know how much I'm hurting now my love
I've sought you out in others who couldn't provide you, my love
Heal this broken bleeding heart my love
Let me float inside your belly - my sweet love

Come now too me my sweet love
Unconditional love, all accepting love
Take me just the way that I am
Don't ask me to change, or even to explain - my love
You know how much I need you now my love
Appear to me this moment, right now - love
Fill my heart with soothing, calming medicine
Let me merge together with you my love

Be now here with me my love
Fill my lips with the sweetest, soothing kiss
Come and cry with me my love
Let our pain become one, our souls - become one
Now's the time to hold each other love
And to drown out all our sorrows in our love
Please don't ever leave me my sweet love
Come to me love, be with me now my love

Hold me now forever my sweet love

You didn't hear it

2007-04-27T18:46:00.000-07:00

You didn't hear it, you didn't see it!
You won't say nothin' to no one, Ever in your life.
You never heard it.How absurd it all seems, without any proof!

You didn't hear it, you didn't see it!
You never heard it, not a word of it!
You won't say nothin' to no one, Never tell a soul what you know is the truth!

My older brother Phil took me to see the movie Tommy when I was just a kid and it made quite an impression on me. My parents took me to see the play version when I was in college and I liked that too. In the scene, young Tommy is traumatized by his mom having an affair and then the Dad walking in, only to have Dad murdered upon his discovery by the lover, so the mom and lover yell at the boy and tell him it never happened, and Tommy proceeds to go deaf, dumb, and blind as his way of dealing with such a troubling event. Thanks to all who took me to see a version of that - I appreciate it. With that said, stop reading right here - because I am about to re-hash the same thing I have re-hashed here time after time that some of you don't really care to read about. Not that I take pleasure in this, but what I write about here is what is on my mind and the proposed re-union of my family has been on my mind lately - probably more than it should be, but apparently it takes quite a bit of effort to convince some that I in fact definitely will not be attending - and this writing is a way of stating my case, for those who may or may not be interested.

I identify with Tommy - I felt like the first half of my life I was deaf, dumb and blind to my own emotions and feelings, since I had a very limited capability of expressing them at the time. I did not have an environment where I was allowed to express them. Kind of like in a hard line dictatorship country, if you went against the party line there was hell to pay. So - the first half of my life - living at home - in between the unpleasant events - I remember kind of a dull empty numbness as the main emotion I experienced - maybe in trying to tune everything out the same way Tommy did, that was how I got by.

On one level, I am past blaming those who raised me entirely since on a rational level, I buy into the spiritual notion that we choose our situations, past and present, and even on a karma level. I am not a victim of my past if it was the past that was meant for me, and I believe it was. All the same, at a time in my past I did not have any choice about my surroundings, and what is now different is I do have the choice of what I can experience. Emotionally however, when certain unresolved emotions spring to the surface, I know I do feel a certain amount of rage and blame, even if I know I should not rationally feel those things based on my beliefs. Proposed re-unions have a way of sending me back to that dark place in my psyche.

For better or for worse, I grew up around the dominant caretaker personality classified by my last therapist as "borderline". That is my experience, and everything that I have experienced supports that notion. In my mind it really happened - unless someone went back and just re-loaded my memory banks for me (like the robots in a Twilight Zone episode) - and I have no reason to believe my memory is lying to me, although - who knows what is real in the scheme of things. I trust my own memory and as you all know - growing up in my house was not exactly a picnic. Studying the concept of borderline - switching from unpredictable extremes, just imagine if you do not know from day to day if you are going to experience love or hatred, pleasant conversation or vengeful screaming, whether the ground beneath your feet will be there or crack into an infinite amount of pieces beneath you. That was my experience growing up - I had to go through it, it shaped who I am and who I always will be, and in addition to maybe having a few loose screws in place through genetics to start with, my nurturing environment definitely added a few more twists to the equation. That is the way it was, even if it was nobody's fault in particular, as I realize all tried their best, but it doesn't mean I am going to come out and say it never happened.

I don't re-write my history, I tell it the way I see it and the way I remember it, for better or for worse. My memory is that any time something troubling happened, I was then told it never happened, which is quite confusing to say the least, and the reason I chose the song from Tommy. If I reported my experience, I was lying, I was exaggerating, and those who told me this as a reflection of their own denial would not listen to anything else - and to this day, they still don't believe me - which is fine. Wherever you are coming from - that is up to you. This happens to be where I am coming from though. Spending years of therapy and trying to sort it out, it has given me a model to work with and allowed me to make some changes to try to fix what is broken.

When I stop and wonder why the idea of being around my family at the age of 41 leaves me feeling depressed, angry, and anxious - to an extreme - all at the same time - I have to ask - why do those feelings arise? Not even going up on a tall roof does that to me any more, but the idea of being around my family - as a whole - does set me off . Never mind that one of my brothers and my sister really don't care for me all that much - or what I represent to them anyways - that is the way it is and I can't change that. Do I deserve this - maybe so or maybe not. Some of this is for actions committed when I was 4 years old, and at that time in my life, I would argue I was not really in control of myself too well. Other reasons have nothing to do with me altogether. But it doesn't matter - we are a distant family, we always will be, most of us choose to communicate with each other as rarely as possible - and that is just the way it was meant to be - I have long given up on trying to change it - for every time I do, I just am disappointed - and who needs that. I can handle any member of my family individually - but when I get them altogether, it brings me back to the point where I had the instability of not knowing what extreme I would be thrown into, and it is pretty unpleasant. It is like choosing to "step into the freezer" when there is another option of a nice sunny day to experience. My Dad does not like boiled carrots because it reminds him of the poverty he experienced when he grew up. I am not having a misery competition here and I am grateful I did not grow up in material poverty, but I grew up in emotional poverty. Family reunions to me are what boiled carrots are to him.

Quite frankly - growing up was not all that much fun for me. When my family is together, I return to that state - and although I had to be there then, I really have no interest in being there now. There is nothing therapeutic or cathartic about it, it just brings me to a lot of emotions buried deep in my psyche that make my life harder than it needs to be. If I could draw a sketch of my life, the happiest times (with the exception of being stoned out of my mind on pot) in my life were away from my family. I moved to San Diego - 100 miles away - life got a little better, although it had its ups and downs. I moved out to the Reno area, and this has been the happiest time overall I can think of. Now - the idea of being around them - even knowing an event is a good year and months away, plants the seed in my head, and then my mind is racing - should I do it out of guilt, do I owe those who raised me this - should I do it because I am supposed to, or should I do what I want? And the answer I come to - as selfish as it sounds is - what I want comes first. I can't be there for anyone if I am not there for myself, like the Dead song says:

There are times when you get hit up on,Try hard but you cannot give.
Other times, you'd gladly part with what you need to live.

This is doing what I need to do for my own sanity and well being. I can start with good intentions, thinking sure - I will just play along, but then that passive aggressive rage starts erupting like a demon within me, and once I am locked in with a commitment than I find myself getting angry at those who I made the agreement with, and then I want to say fuck you and back out of it, and by then the cost of the cruise is shot, I don't go anyways, and then everyone is real pissed off - more so than they are if I just stop the avalanche from erupting while it is just a snowball. I know how my mind works and I know where the train is going, so instead of going through all that hell, I just say - no - forget it - this is not what I want. It has taken me a long time to figure out what I want, and when I tried to live for my parents one time, it just brought me to death's door. I don't want to be around an environment that brings me back to the uncertainty of my former life, I don't really want to be around people who don't care for me to begin with, and I don't want to go the Tommy route and hear about how much of a happy close family we all are and watch those making that pronouncement get ripped on booze while making these sentimental pronouncements, since drinking is their way of coping with such an unnatural and uncomfortable event. I don't drink any more, so I can't join the party. At this point in my life - I just want to take care of myself and be happy. As a child I didn't know how to do that, now I am slowly learning how to, and I know what I need and want. I don't need this.

As far as family re-unions go, any situation where I am not locked in, committed with loads of time to dwell on it - would possibly fly. That is how I was able to see my folks last summer - no pressure - no commitments, it felt right the day of the trip and I went with it - and it went pretty well from what I remember. Hell - let's all meet up at the Bucket of Blood Saloon in Virginia City - I won't have to put my animals in a kennel, won't have to stress out about traveling - it is just down the street and what place could be more fitting for my family. Drinks are on me - I'm buying. Okay - probably ain't gonna happen, but me stepping foot on a boat isn't either. For those who are going on this trip - I really hope you have a good time. Just because I feel this way doesn't mean you should, if that is your thing and you are meant to experience this, who am I to tell you what to do or not do. All I ask is that you do the same - don't hold me hostage for the family experience, the last one ever - we never were a family and half of the time I heard very negative messages about my brothers and sisters. Step up and accept that preaching those messages is not going to plant the seeds for a close family. 40 years later, loading up on booze and having us all sit around a table feeling very uncomfortable will not change what always was and always will be. It reminds me of the Cats in the Cradle song. From my perspective anyways, you would have to be deaf, dumb and blind to see it differently than that.

Blood on the rise it's following me

2007-04-21T16:42:00.000-07:00

Theres blood in the streets, its up to my ankles She came
Theres blood on the streets, its up to my knee She came
Blood on the streets in the town of chicago She came
Blood on the rise, its following me
Think about the break of day
She came and then she drove away Sunlight in her hair She came
Blood in the streets runs a river of sadness

Okay - time to go topical - obviously we had one of the bloodiest events in our history happen - so I guess I got to join the millions of bloggers who discuss this. Unlike some who might focus on whether V-tech authorities screwed up, whether or not guns should be so available (Bowling for Columbine already covered that pretty well in my opinion) - really the psychological aspect of the ordeal is what interests me. My approach might be a little bit out there, but no need to call the police - I am not planning on hurting anyone - the only one I have ever tried to hurt is myself, and if it ever got back down to that dark place, that is the only person I would ever intend to - but all the same - as crazy at it sounds - I can relate to the killer to a degree. Reading the writings of Jim Morrison above - and some of his stuff - like Celebration of the Lizard - was far more out there than that - if the warning sign threshold was a matter of writings of violence, than they should have locked him up too. Like a newspaper article says, half of Hollywood writers would be arrested if the thoughts on paper alone were the threshold of a prediction of violence. Some of my earlier writings are full or rage, violence and despair, not at all the happy new age spiritual cheese-head guru type that I am now.

The killers at Columbine and Cho have something in common - they were outcasts in a society where survival of the fittest prevails, and the folks at the bottom of the pecking order are left to fend for themselves. Us outcasts are ostracized, picked on, humiliated, beat up and the scars last a long time. Although I did not get too much of the physical assault at school that these guys did, I know what it felt like to be rejected, not part of the popular group, looked down upon and I know how these guys can feel so hopeless and angry that they want to strike back in a violent manner upon the people who did this to them. We live in a cruel world, where racism and brutality are a part of life in all classes of society. Apparently the Mexicans and the white folks are fighting it out at a school near where I live, to the point that the Latinos are going to go to private school. Our daughter - as mentioned before - is dealing with bullies, and she is having stomach problems as a result. The schools look the other way, maybe they are understaffed, don't have the resources or priorities to deal with this - and then when these things happen, it to me demonstrates that our priorities are not where they are supposed to be. Psychological ailments should not be looked down upon, mental health should be available to all as it is in some countries, but where we live, we spend billions of dollars to chase our tails fighting terrorism, while here within our own borders, mentally ill people walk the streets in despair because the hospitals kick them out into the streets due to lack of government funding. Our country does a great job for those in power, and the privileged, but for those at the bottom - it is either screw you, or we can throw you in prison when you become too much of a problem. It seems like prevention is the best cure, and even Cho in his ranting diatribe said there were many opportunities to prevent this that were never taken. It only takes something like this to get everyone's attention, and even then people still seem to miss the point altogether.

I also find it interesting how - as tragic as it may be that 33 people died - that we seem to set a new bar when it is one of "our" guys. On the lower page of the newspaper, there is a blurb that almost 200 people died in a suicide bombing in Iraq, but that is "over there" and not one of our people, nobody cares, and it almost seems to have a racist tone to me. When a group of Americans die, than it becomes national news, Nancy Grace runs out to broadcast in tears at the scene of the crime, and then people pay attention. In my mind we are all human beings - so shouldn't we be equally outraged when people die of starvation, brutality, and violence - everywhere - not just here?? Where are the troops in Darfur where genocide is taking place? Not part of the war on terror - so just let 'em die I guess.

Our society is not based on compassion, helping the poor, the helpless, the homeless, the ones that do fall through the cracks. Especially the "conservative" elements, it is the notion of I scored, I got lucky, here is my little piece of wealth, don't raise my taxes, don't ask for any help from me, let me load up on guns in case any of you trespass on my property - I am an island, and screw you. That works great if we are all islands, but in my mind we are all interdependent, we are one human organism - and if one part of the organism is sick, than we all are. It is in the best interests of that organism for all portions of it to be healthy. That is where - in my mind - our society is all messed up. We only care about our own families, our own selves, our own well being - and all the TV can tell us is that the more shit we accumulate, the happier we are going to be. And yet as one of the world's wealthiest peoples, we don't seem all that happy to me at all. These events to me reveal the denial we are all in, the sickness that our society is embedded in - when one of us is sick, we all are, when a group of us dies, a part of all of us dies - especially when the media runs images of violence into the ground.

What separates me from a mass murderer? I have a faith in a higher power, I believe in karma, despite all the unresolved rage and anger that still lurks in my psyche, and unfortunately it is not all gone, my own experience has led me to believe that I am a part of something greater. Were it not for a few twists of fate, I could have been just a lost as one of them, in a mental institution, in prison, or dead from drug abuse. Don't let my professional face fool you, I am far from healed, even though I support our family and do my job quite well. Inside me, all it takes is a note from a member of my family to tell me about an upcoming event that I have no interest in participating in, and all of those dormant feelings start to rise again - rage, anxiety amongst them. Where Ram Daas once said in one of his books that he thrived on the feelings of conflict that came up with his family, I do not thrive at all - all it does is bring me back to feeling 20 years old again - and the potential to sink right back into that black hole - as a result - is very real. It is all hanging by a thread even now to some degree, and just to placate others and put my own feelings on the back burner is re-living a pattern of passive aggressiveness that led to my collapse to begin with. It may be selfish and going against some of the ideals I discussed earlier, but taking care of my psyche to keep myself afloat really is my priority. It is a miracle that I have come to the point where I am, but there is nothing saying that I cannot fall back into the depths of despair that I once lived, and because I have a wife and child to take care of, I simply have to do everything in my power to keep that from happening, even if a couple people are highly offended and upset as a result of that.

Meanwhile - my heart goes out to those that died on Monday - all of them - even the killer - they were all victims of the same sickness as far as I can see. I cannot even begin to imagine what it would be like to be the parents of one of those kids who was shot in the head. I just hope that we can learn something from this, but I remain skeptical. Columbine was not too long ago, and other than a bunch of lawyers who walked away with a truck load of money, as will happen again, I am not really convinced that anything has changed. And if nothing changes, all the laws and reform in the world will not keep this from happening again.

15 seconds of fame - the local newspaper

2007-04-21T15:02:00.000-07:00

That's my potruding stomach on the upper right hand corner of the top photo

My balls feel like a pair of maracas

2007-04-17T16:50:00.000-07:00

Ah eee ah

Well - starting last night, I started experiencing some of the worst pain I have EVER felt in my life. I can now relate to torture victims. My right testicle is absolutely killing me. The doctor already checked me out and right now it does not look like cancer or anything serious, but it still hurts like a mother-f***er. What happens is about twice an hour, I feel a wave of intense pain come over me. Now I know what it must feel like to be electrocuted there, because that is what it feels like - like someone is piercing a knife through it. Last night as I lay awake I realized what must go through the minds of those who have a life affecting illness thrown upon them. What would I do, how would I support us if I had to go into the hospital to undergo chemo. It is pretty frightening. As of now, that does not appear to be the situation anyways, but it is going to be wait and see. The most probable suspected cause of this is my dog giving me a good paw swipe there a couple days ago and a delayed reaction. Most likely this will pass, at least my doc says so, but I will have to see if there is improvement on Thursday. Meanwhile - the feeling of having a drill going through your testicle - I would not wish this upon anyone.

2007-04-16T16:00:00.000-07:00

But I sure got some powerful pills

2007-04-15T09:57:00.000-07:00

oh yeah

This song was written by Trey Anastasio of Phish, and if you link his name there, you can see that he was arrested for the very powerful pills he referenced in his Fluffhead song, and if you are so inclined, double clicking on the top two words here you can see those words as well. One of my favorite political reggae performers, Michael Franti, references "TV commercials for a popping pill culture, Drug companies circling like a vulture" in his title song of Yellfire. We live in a culture where pills are a very strong part of our lives. Some people need to take their pills to stay alive, due to heart disease, cancer, and other life threatening ailments. My focus on this rant is an issue that hits pretty close to home, both in my life, and now in the life of my child - and that would be psychiatric medication. To double back to my often repeated story of my depression I experienced at the age of around 19 to 20, it became an issue when I was told that I had a chemical imbalance that required medication. My shrink put me on lithium, at a somewhat questionable part of the bipolar cycle, since I was pretty far down at that point - but I did what I was told and I did get over my depression pretty quickly and I took lithium for a couple more years, approximately. It was pretty much implied that I needed to take it for the rest of my life, but against the advice of my psychiatric advisor, I went off of it on my own. Other than an occasional xanax or kava for anxiety (it has been almost 10 years since I have taken anything other than kava for it), I have lived my life mostly medication free, and have also given up alcohol and marijuana which I once used as a form of what is known as "self-medication". Probably just about every one of the White family children has taken some form of medication at one time or another.

My personal feeling about psychiatric medication is this - you take it if you absolutely have to - and if you don't have to, don't. My threshold is as follows - if you can function in society in the role placed upon you, student, employee, whatever that role means - than if there is a way not to take it, refrain. I believe that the culture described in Michael Franti's lyrics has gone to the extreme of over-medicating, often at the expense of our bodies and profit of the drug companies, and I think it is a dangerous trend. In its extreme, it almost suggests that any emotion to an extreme is not acceptable, and that we are to (as one of my friends once used this phrase) turn to an "emotional lobotomy" at the first sign of trouble. I believe that to experience a healthy state of mind and to heal any lurking demons that may be present, that access is needed to a full range of emotions, and although given the choice I would just aim for the summer time highs when I am outside playing my guitar, I also realize that the winter time grief and mourning I experience, something that came out in full force on a spring day yesterday - so certainly not limited to the winter, is in fact an equally necessary part of my existence. If we can practice the Buddhist meditational advice of detaching from emotions, and not getting too attached to any of them, than they can pass by without harming us. Positive and negative emotions can be harmful if you get too attached to either of them. I have been blessed with the ability to write and compose music that in its purest form can serve as my own medication. I have seen it work, I know it works, and I will go so far as to say that without it I would have never reached the place in my life where I have a good career at a good company, and can support my family here. (This is my first official comment on my new job, I don't want to give out names, be it good or bad, but it has been quite clear over the last 3 months that this job has been a huge improvement over my last one.)

When I saw my last therapist, I told her of my history and she strongly recommended I go back on medication. Although I appreciated her input, I explained why I chose not to do this and at one point I believed I actually saw her eyes water because she was inspired by my approach to life. One of my (so called) friends (ex-girlfriend) has told me to go on it as this is the only way she functions - and she barely does function even with them. This works for me - for now anyways - because even when I am pretty emotional, to the point where I feel like crying or feel very sad, I can still keep it together and hold my job, and still do a good job. I will always keep that threshold in mind though, if I ever reach the point where that is not the case, I am open to taking it again. Hopefully that never happens, but who can really say what the future will bring.

That being said, I now go the experience of my daughter. To recap, her stomach symptoms last year placed her in the emergency room two nights, and the hospital an additional two nights and days, and it was a nightmare for all of us - particularly for her, but really for all of us as well. The endoscopy ruled out any biological condition, and the allergist ruled out allergies, and now it is clear to us that all of her symptoms are part of a stress syndrome, and they are almost textbook. I got a book called "Kid Stress" which spells out all symptoms she has experienced: stomach pain, nausea, chest pain, headaches. She even worked herself into a fever and I had to pick her up from school, and when she got home, the symptoms were gone. This is not all traced to one particular incident as we once suspected, there is no one interaction with a friend of hers that this all falls upon, but a cumulation of many incidents combined. Possibly these were fears that she picked up from her mother while in the womb, or maybe a combination of the two fearful personalities of her Mom and Dad. We are both her parents, and despite her having more of my personality apparently, we are both a big part of who she is - with 50% of her genetics coming from each one of us. She came into this world in fear, she has picked up a lot of our fears, and now her fears are causing very painful symptoms to the point where she can barely be in school due to all of her symptoms getting out of control.

So - crossing the threshold I once mentioned earlier, in my mind, I have to reluctantly admit that my 8 year old daughter needs psychiatric medication. It is not my first choice, but at this point it has gotten so extreme that I don't see any other alternative. I don't see how she can stay in school as long as she experiences this illness. With me, it was a somewhat temporary experience, and it is my hope that it is also temporary for her. I also hope that she can draw from my own ability to use mental states of calming and spirituality to eventually reach the point where this can happen drug free. Until then, unfortunately, this path is the one we must choose. It probably goes without saying that this continues to be difficult for all of us, and if anyone in my family, or family of friends, happens to be reading this and wants to offer their good wishes and support, it would be very much appreciated. Thanks.

Turn off your mind, relax and float down stream

2007-04-08T08:06:00.000-07:00

From my favorite song written by John Lennon (never mind what the credits say):
Tomorrow Never Knows - I can spend a whole post on this song, and God only knows how such a horrible song (Got to Get You Into My Life) written by Lennon's horribly inferior song writing counter part, could come before it on the album, but that is a whole discussion in itself.

For those familiar with our daughter's struggles last year, they have not entirely gone away. We have finally figured out over a period of time that her digestive ailments and painful stomach conditions are all related to her stress, but a recent consultation took it a step further, and gave the diagnosis that it is directly related to her nervous system, that her nervous system is not equipped to deal with the stress that just about all of us face in our lives, so that what it does is to in essence shut down, and then comes out in extremely painful stomach symptoms, or at one time even came out as what appeared to be food allergy symptoms (later food allergies were ruled out). It is Easter vacation now, but last week she barely attended school, and the two times she tried she barely made it a couple hours, when the reaction to another child there who has hit her caused her to get these symptoms, and even a fever, so that she had to leave. One of the times her condition instantly improved as soon as she walked in the door, but then knowing she had to (possibly) return to school the next day they came right back, so it is clearly situational. It is not to the extreme that it was last year, when we could not sleep at night and made several trips to the hospital emergency room at horrible times to be doing that, but if left unattended it could very well get to that point.

Although I see this in her at an extreme, as I never left school with stomach ailments, I remember plenty of stress in my life as well and when it cumulated in college, my own "medication" was getting high, and when I tried to break off that, my break down emotionally into a depression to a certain degree is kind of the same idea as what my daughter is now going through. Looking around and seeing how many of us are dependent on some kind of substance - be it alcohol, marijuana, and even the completely evil crystal meth, I think it is evident that what my daughter is going through on a very intense level is a symptom of what many of us in our society experience - we are overwhelmed with stress, stimuli and pressure and we need to medicate ourselves one way or another to deal with that. I saw in the paper today that football running back Ricky Williams says he got stoned to deal with the stress and pressure, but now appears to be confident that yoga can take the place of marijuana and that he will not need to get high any more. Even with all the bad press he has gotten, I can completely relate to this - since I have been there.

For me if there was anything good about the days that I turned to the herb to medicate myself was that they showed me a place I could go to that got me away from the stresses of the world I was living in, a beautiful place where I could float in a womb-like state through beautiful sunset canvasses while the music I would be listening to provided that backdrop. Later on, all my Grateful Dead shows took me into that same dream like world, and although I experience a few of them in a chemically altered state, I also realized I was capable of "getting there", getting high so to speak - in a completely unaltered state and that just the music itself could take me there. I kind of touched on this on my last post about Durga, but now I find that at certain times of the day, my favorite being around the time the sun is setting and the sky takes on a beautiful dreamlike quality, that when I pick up the guitar and face the west through my window in this room, I can get there too. Music is my form of meditation, although I know meditation has the same potential. My friend Kirk once had the idea that my mind was racing so much with internal agendas of its own that music was the only thing that could quiet it down. During my long trips throughout Northern Nevada, my CD player fueled me and gave me the energy to keep going. There are times when the right music is on at the right time, combined with the natural landscapes and scenery that this area has to offer, and then just driving can take on that meditative state. This is why I know I personally would go crazy in a big city, I need a place like this - scenic, calming, spiritually soothing - to relax me. This is why despite the differences we have here, this is where I need to be - and unfortunately that is not a shared sentiment. When I pick up the guitar in that state, anyone who does not know better might think I am "high" and the truth is, I am high - but it is not a chemical state. The same happens at the drum circles, it is like a slow wave that is pulling me somewhere, to that alternate peaceful world where the presence of the spirits, the God and Goddess - whatever you want to call it - and words don't even give it justice - but when I am there, the world is a magical place and then I find it is hard not to believe in something very powerful above and beyond me, something that feels very warm and loving.

I briefly reference and link an interview on Fresh Air where Richard Dawkins has scientifically and rationally dis-proven the existence of God. And although I could not technically and logically dispute one point of his, at the same time, these experiences point my heart to believe that there is in fact something way beyond the notion of logic and science. My heart tells me what my rational mind does not. And I always allow the possibility that I am wrong, that the world is in fact nothing but a bunch of chemicals, without any spirit of any kind - but even if I am just deluding myself as this interview suggests, I know that this form of medicine centers me, give me faith in myself and the world I live in, and this keeps me going - keeps me there and ready for the challenges and pressures that my job and my relationships place upon me. I know there is a way to get from here to there, because I have gone from a world view of feeling that life was impossibly overhwelming and demanding, to one where I recognize that despite its demands and pressures, that there is a spiritual beauty from without and within that makes it all worth it. I have gotten from here to there - my daughter is a part of me - I believe that with my help and help from others, she can and will do the same.

Durga

2007-04-01T21:06:00.000-07:00

Today we went to see this performance at the Brewery Arts Center in Carson City performed very well by its creator, Liz Broscoe, and probably the best performance we have seen in Carson City of any kind. This lady was amazing on every level as far as her ability to make music with her hands, but what I liked about it was that it points out what I have known for years now, that you don't have to be a musical wizard to really get into the meditational spirit of the music - that music is one of the best forms of medicine out there that has no chemical side effects of any kind. At the drum circles I have attended lately at Comma Coffee in Carson City, I am definitely not close to being the best one there, but as one of the songs in the production said, being best doesn't matter - it is getting into the rhythm and the groove that does. It has taken me a while with my guitar and singing, and I am never going to aspire or claim to be a virtuoso, but it doesn't matter - because music is a vehicle and whether you are driving a beat up Chevy 30 years old that can barely make it down the street of a brand new Mercury luxury vehicle, either way if you know how to drive they are going to get you to where you need to go. The point of my music is to get there, and I would never claim to have the discipline, chops or talent of my buddy, Rich Cohen, but even so - we both share the same vibe even if I have about 1/100th of his talent, and I love to get together with him to play, even though it has been many years - because we are both there regardless of talent levels. Had a great time this summer with Mr. L who honored me with a visit as well, even though he ended up being the improvised percussionist, because again, it doesn't matter how you get there, as long as you do. With the hand drums, I can keep a rhythm, and am slowly getting to the point where I can pass enough to blend into the circle, but again, I got the spirit working, so that even if I am not playing the complex rhythms that some are, I find that I catch others smiling at me or loooking my way and saying in a kind of unwritten language - hey - you and I are both here and we both get it, and in these things the spirit is contagious, but it can work all by yourself too, it is like comparing group sex to flying solo, either way you are going to get the release and once you get it, how exactly it happens does not really matter all that much. It is not how well structured the vehicle is, as much as having a vehicle of any kind, and in my mind, it is a matter of being in tune - in tune with your inner being, inner soul, and spirit - which has taken a while for me, and I can't always make it happen, but it seems like my batting average has been increasing these days. So I can watch a production like this and even though I can never drum the way Liz Broscoe can, or jam the way Rich can, again - I get it because I know how to get there within my own limited vehicle. That is what is wonderful about music, you don't need to be a virtuos to get there, you just need to grab a drum, guitar, chant a tune, practice a little and just go for breaking on through. I have used this vehicle to motivate and inspire myself, heal myself with my words, tap into my inner soul - my God/ddess voice - and if only we all could do that. In the production she jokingly says maybe some day we can have drums part of the White House Rose Garden. Maybe some day... DURGA - as said in the production Drums Unite Race & Gender Alike. Maybe healing the world can start with just picking one up and going for it.

Snake in a room

2007-03-26T20:05:00.000-07:00

Almost looks like a gal named Kierra in the lower pics, but it isn't

Don't Panic

2007-03-23T13:08:00.000-07:00

I didn't coin the phrase, but I used it for the words to this song - yesterday I got all worked up about the Internet not working after covering 350 miles on the road, and the more worked up I got - the worse it got - headache, nausea, anger - and after hours on the phone, it did not help. Then today I woke up and it had fixed itself. All that useless wasted energy - but at least I got a song out of it. Most of these phrases have been said before, but for me anyway - something I need to hear over and over so it sinks in. Another link here to My Space if you want to hear and see it -(should be available by Saturday March 24) and the "ghost" is hiding a little bit better this time....

Don't - don't panic - first words of the Hitch hiker's Guide---- (to the Galaxy anyways)
I know - you're feeling stuck now, but you'll make it to the other side
I know your head is pounding, exhaustion - nausea setting in
But you've got to let it go now, let it die so it can be reborn and begin
Just a stand back one step
Try to take a deep breath
Give it up now, and lay your head down
You're going to be all right
You're going to get through the fight (make it through the night)

Don't beat yourself up, bang your head against the wall
Give yourself a break now, deep down you know that it's not your fault
I know you're out to hurt yourself, you blame yourself time after time
Back off that hanging judge part, you haven't committed a crime
It's a hole you have dug
Just fill it up with your love
The parole board has just arrived
You're going to be all right...

It's time to take a rest now, you've been going at it all day long
Time to unwind now, sing yourself a loving song
Listen and feel the love now, the love pouring into the air
You take your life so seriously, it's time now to not have a care
Love is the drug
So step into a hug
And a kiss coming down from the sky
You're going to be all right...

2007-03-18T18:48:00.001-07:00

What have they done to the earth..

2007-03-18T07:49:00.000-07:00

What have they done to the earth?
What have they done to our fair sister?
Ravaged and plundered and ripped her and bit her
Stuck her with knives in the side of the dawn
And tied her with fences and dragged her down
I hear a very gentle sound
With your ear down to the ground
We want the world and we want it...

NOW

What does that song lyric have to do with what I am about to write? This is not particularly a purely environmental post, but at the same time, what has happened to the environment is a reflection and symptom of this topic anyways.

I don't always think I am going to have anything to say for the week. This week was certainly heading in that direction, and then I was having a discussion with a fellow member of my gym who is a teacher here at the nearby elementary school. I think we were heading in the direction of the topic of karma - and when it comes down to it - I do believe in karma. But I don't necessarily believe that if something happens in your life it means that you are being punished and it deserved to happen to you. Does anyone deserve to get hurt? Does a child deserve to be beaten, have his or her legs blown off in an explosion, get molested, screamed at - does an innocent child deserve any of these things to happen? I don't think so. Does a woman deserve to be raped or beaten? The answer is no there too. Yet - these things happen all the time. I was asked if I deserved the screaming I endured in my childhood, the same screaming which left a life long scar upon my confidence, and in my mind was the direct result of me wanting me to end my life at the age of 20 - mainly because I felt like I did not have the confidence to have a job and support myself. Don't tell me it was just a chemical imbalance - because quite frankly that is a crock of shit. Did I deserve that? No - even if I was a high maintenance pain in the ass child, I didn't deserve it. But it still happened anyways.

What I am getting at here is these things happen to us, not because we deserve them, but they are a reflection of the world we live in - and then it is our life long task, journey, mission - to recover, heal, move on so that maybe the next generation does not have to suffer what we went through in our lives. It is far easier said than done. Any one traumatic event in our lives can be traced back to generations upon generations of traumatic events. The Holocaust did not happen to me or affect me directly, but as a next or 2nd generation Jew who had relatives die there and had the event affect the psyche of those who raised me, it most certainly did shape and affect my life anyways. My parents clearly went through hell when they grew up, in their own way, and unfortunately, a lot of that hell got passed down to their children despite our material comfort surroundings. Just take a look at us - ALL of us in our family - which one of us has not been through some horrific depression or event which has threatened our very existence, and left scars of neurosis, anxiety, and sadness buried in our psyche. The very dysfunctional aspect of how we communicate (or fail to) and interact with each other is a reflection of that.

In my discussion with this lady at the gym, I told her that I didn't deserve to go through what I went through as a child, just like she did not deserve the treatment she received as a child or even by her first abusive husband either. I told her I see humanity as a sum total of all human beings combined as one very sick organism, and our sickness will go in one of two directions - we will either figure out individually and collectively a way that we can heal ourselves, or we will simply self-destruct and go the direction of the dinosaurs as a species. I would like to think option number two will be the answer, but I clearly don't know.

Getting back to the song lyrics here, our world around us is a reflection of our sickness - the destruction of our planet, the global warming, pollution, assault upon our environment, assault upon each other, persecution of fellow human beings, ethnic cleansing - these things would not happen in a healthy species or group of animals - but they happen to us - and they are the result of our collective sickness. September 11 - did not deserve to happen to us either - and none of the victims deserved to lose their lives, or the lives of a loved one or family member. After it happened, I felt sickened for a couple days. Everyone seemed to unite in sadness and grief, and it seemed to even bring people closer together. But not long after, we run off to cause more grief and destruction in a futile attempt to bring justice to those that made it happen, and just end up causing the death or injury of hundreds of thousands of more people - just like in that movie "Boyz in the Hood" where the murder of one gang member just prompts an endless cycle of revenge and violence. Now people out there who are dying are motivated to take revenge upon us it just goes on and on. The world around us - the world of war, polluted air, global warming, assaulted earth - conquering of environment - continued elimination of species - if that does not point to a collective sickness of humanity, what does?

On an individual level, I see it as my task as one of the billions of humans who makes up this sick organism - to heal the wounds of my psyche, and bring the demons of my unconsciousness to the surface of the ocean, so to speak - so that as one cell in the organism of humanity, I can be a healed cell. People who are aware, even if there is only a handful of them out there - do not hurt themselves or others, and have the awareness to look inside and face their own demons instead of projecting them onto others, and then persecuting innocent beings, which is the cause of racism and ethnic cleansing. A healed person will not cause more anguish to others. So - it is my life long task to go within, find the cure to my own illness - face the hurt and anguish - and in my mind, that is my definition of karma - or my personal karma. It does not mean that I deserved to have suffered the hurt in my life, it just means that because the hurt has inevitably happened to me and just about everyone, that it is my task to face it, own it, make it mine, and then make every effort to bring love to the surface and to others around me, so that I can create an atmosphere of love to counteract a world of hatred around us. That is my life mission - and I am not going to say it is an easy one - but I will pat myself on the back here - I have made progress. I have had psychoanalysis, I have written songs, meditated through musical expression, I write here - and comparing myself to the suicidal 20 year old boy I once was, I have come a long way. And yet - the challenge never lets up - dealing with marriage, raising a child, still facing on and off depression from time to time - it is not ever a battle which will be entirely won.

When I became aware of the massive scope of the extent of damage that really existed within me, my reaction was to run - a natural reaction to run when facing something that overwhelming. That is why taking my own life seemed like such a natural desire to me at the time, because I wanted to run. We all want to run away from our burdens - and I know my wife experiences this at times when facing her own task at hand as a parent and recovering victim of abuse. But where are we going to run to? If karma does hold true, than we are here to face our pain. If we end our lives, does it just mean we start over again somewhere else, facing the same pain in another life? If in this life we move somewhere else, get away from our situation of torment - well if it is part of us and we created it, won't it just follow us wherever we go - you know - the old wherever you go there you are? If I end my marriage for example, in an effort to find a better relationship, well - if I was responsbile for bringing my wife into my life to begin with, won't I just bring someone else identical to her around with my next try? If I made it happen once, I will make it happen again. Ram Dass talks about "karmic responsibility" in one of his books I am reading - and in my mind, that means facing up to the situation that our own psyche creates.

I don't have an answer for everyone who suffers the traumas that so many of us do. I know I have been fortunate and even a little lucky to live the life I do, and to have the means to live in a decent home with food, running water and electricity. I don't have to work two jobs, even though the one I have can be demanding. I have come back from an impossible state of depression and how the recovery happened in a lot of ways is a miracle - but somehow it did - and now I just hope I can be of some help to others along the way who have gone through the same thing. I did not choose a path of being a therapist - because that was too much for me - but in a job where I do have contact with others on a daily basis, I try to be as present as I can when that is required of me, and I try to create a loving environment for those who are going through a time of trouble. It does not mean I am healed - my wife can read out a long list of neurotic and even self-destructive behaviors that I still have - but I feel like I am making my way through it and I know for a fact I am more conscious and more aware of who I am than I was 20 years ago. 20 years from now - if I make it that far - who knows - maybe I am just starting to scratch the surface. Clearly there is more than can be said here, but I guess I can save it for another time.

Till i let go of a broken heart
I let go to an open heart
I let go of my broken dreams
I let go to the mystery
And i believe in the miracle
I believe in the spiritual
I believe in the one above
I believe in the one i love

I Know I'm Not Alone

2007-03-11T06:57:00.000-07:00

Picking up from my experience of the Michael Franti show at Lake Tahoe, I can now add another more accessible experience to the documentary he made called I Know I'm Not Alone which I just watched yesterday, courtesy of the Carson City, Nevada Library - which I continue to be very impressed with for even having something like this available. It is one of those movies that you cannot watch without it having an effect. He went out to Iraq and Palestine, and if my memory of the timing is correct, this was not far from the time kidnappings were taking place that resulted in heads being removed - so even if his motive was to make a commercial movie, you have to admire an artist who is willing to risk his life to do what he is doing, and a lot of the last recording of his "Yellfire" is the back drop for his footage - which kind of explains lines like "90 degrees at 6 in the morning".

If there is any way to watch this movie, watch it - even if you aren't a fan of his music. There are disturbing portions - watching young kids in Baghdad in a hospital with portions of their legs either removed or about to be removed, and watching a young girl recite a poem about love and her fear of dying in a war - makes you realize these are real people out there who are experiencing a hellish existence - in part because of a war we are spending billions of dollars on without any real clear objective or purpose in being there. I don't think the movie is an effort to necessarily bash the United States or even Israel for the conditions in Baghdad and Israel in occupied zones there, as much as to show what people are going through out there.

Moving over toward Israel, I have been limited somewhat to media coverage of the conflict there, and I was not aware that a massive wall is in existence and still being built - mainly in an effort to protect Israelis from the Palestinian suicide bombings. He goes into Israel to get the point of view of some who believe that wall is necessary to prevent additional bombings, but he also shows the suffering of those on the other side of the wall, who live in third world conditions and have their homes and lands demolished by the Israeli Army. The association I have with this wall is the building of the wall surrounding the Warsaw Ghetto by the Nazis during the holocaust and I can't help draw a connection. I know there is a difference - in that Jewish people were not blowing themselves up in Germany, but still - the Nazis saw them as a threat in their own way - enough to go to the trouble of killing millions of them, and regardless of a perceived threat - it is kind of hard to understand how such a divisive wall of any kind can lead to anything positive, especially when you have one side living in western affluence, and the other living in third world poverty. Whatever the reason for it, it is just pretty sad and disturbing to see it in place.

I know a lot of the focus on the "War on Terror" is the notion that we, as the good Christians of America that most of us are, appear to have the answer and all of these crazy people from another religion are trying to take away what we have because they "hate freedom" - but if you focus on the economic aspect of it, the fact that we live pretty affluently in comfort while billions of others live in horrible conditions, in part as a direct result of what we do have - well - then something at some point has to give - and it was a matter of time that we were attacked, just like it is most likely a matter of time that we will be again. Just think about the hundreds of billions of dollars we are spending in a war that is just adding and contributing to the suffering of hundreds of thousands of people, and you can't help but wonder what the effect would be if that same amount of money went into feeding those in poverty and creating a world where the extreme conditions of poverty would not create a situation of desperation where a suicide bomber has nothing else to look forward to anyways. If I was one of the powerful, that is how I would be fighting the "War on Terror" but apparently those in charge seem to know better than I do.

Anyways - if you get a chance to watch this movie - watch it.

This was my big secret...

2007-03-04T06:43:00.000-08:00

how I'd get ahead
and never have to worry
I'd call him instead

from "Story of the Ghost"

I now have definite proof that ghosts exist and that they have come close to me. Okay - maybe not "definite" but more subjective proof. Either that or maybe I am delusional and completely misguided - I guess that can't be ruled out either.

I would have to refer you to the post below this one and direct you to the video of my newest song on My Space and I know it is a pretty cheesy way to get you to watch me sing if you had not already done so to begin with, but I need an audience any way I can get it. It took me a while to find the exact position to set up the camera, but if you look at it, you can see the reflection of the window in my glasses. I placed it on top of the loading paper tray of my printer/fax machine - the same place you would put a fax to send to someone, and this would be away from the window. So I am sure a camera expert is going to come up with a completely scientific and technical explanation of what I am about to describe, but what fun is that.

Look to the left if you are facing the screen at what is actually my right elbow and throughout the song you can see a little ghostly ball of white light that almost appears to be dancing with my arm. I look in the direction 3 times - completely unplanned - as I thought someone was coming into the room and was somewhat startled when I did that. Also notice that the lyrics to the song have somewhat ghostly spiritual type of references to an invisible woman beside me, spirits of my ancestors, and needing a little light (also a Dead tune - Just a Little Light - not a huge surprise that they are an influence of my song writing) - and it all adds up - this is the perfect excuse for a friendly ghost to appear in a 4 1/2 minute video and do a little dance with my elbow.

Yes - I know there has to be a technical explanation - the light quantities are reflected off my glasses and pinpoint on the middle left side of the screen due to the exact angle of the sun and the angle of the camera - and maybe so - but then again - whose to say? Even if there is a technical explanation, does that rule out the ghost? There is a Michael Franti lyric that says "nobody right, nobody wrong". Maybe that technical explanation is a perfect excuse for that ghost to hang out.

Some people don't believe in ghosts and spirits. Personally I do. Up until now, I have never experienced the possibility that a ghost was in the room with me. Once when I was singing with my eyes closed I had a sense that a shadow was passing by me - it was faint, and clearly no proof of anything. My wife on the other hand has had a lot more persuasive and direct experiences with them, and she also has a great love for science. She watched this video and in her mind there is no doubt that is in fact what it is. Maybe others are more skeptical. I am not sure what to believe myself, but even the possibility that it was a ghost - captured live on the internet for all to see - is a little frightening. Victoria has heard the voice of a child in this house, seen a woman in closet disappear in our house in San Diego.

I know some will say - hallucinations, delusions, schizophrenia. I don't think it is that simple. I think that our mind has a gateway into the other unseen worlds, and all of our logic and science has taken us away from that. Then there are some that come closer to that world, and maybe don't function so well in this one. Those that know how to cash it in might have a future in the psychic realm, but many do not do so well in this world of production and material. In Native American societies someone with what we call schizophrenia was seen as respected as one with a link to the spirits. In present times, we throw medication on them and call them sick and dysfunctional.

So anyways - come to your own decision - and feel free to let me know what side you vote for. The jury is out for me at this time.

Singing on My Space

2007-03-03T14:54:00.000-08:00

For a while I was known to sing here and post, by calling on the phone and holding the guitar up to my face while the phone was pressed against my shoulder - not too comfortable - though I guess I had a fan who happened to enjoy hearing them. Now they don't have the same program and I was too lazy to figure it out, but I have a new camera for work which has a lot more memory, so I can actually sing and record an entire song - so despite someone here at home laughing at me doing this, I can now post a whole song and the acoustics are much better than the phone - even though I don't exactly provide great scenery. So courtesy of My Space - here it is and I am posting the words here - I find them to be self-inspiring - which has lately become the sole purpose of my song writing. I have expressed a lot of these ideas before, but just a new way of approaching it. This time around I heard the tune in my head first before I ever even thought of the words, the chords came next, the words were last - with the chorus written first, and then the remaining verses that were last to come out. It seems to work for me anyways. These are the words - right now I call it "Behind Me" (click on the the song title to get to the visual)

I know a brutal storm came through, but it's behind me
I've tried and failed to search for my soul, but it will find me
I've tried for years to capture my love, she's now inside me
I know you cannot see her face, but she's beside me

All I've ever needed is love sweet love
It's love that I'd never known
Fleeting and elusive as the holy Grail
But I found it in the dark ocean depths of my soul
I may be stumbling, lost and confused
Blindfolded as I reach out for the answer today
But the God, the Goddess, spirits of my ancestors
I believe they are lighting my way
I can't do it alone, but I don't have to
Tune into the music of my heart
Love is the question and love is the answer
It's the end middle and the start
But I know I can get there with a little help
Climb some steep cold mountains on the way
The struggle, exhaustion, frustration, despair
They are all in the past today

You know I know better than to freak out and panic
But I still do from time to time
Sometimes the strength of my fears is stronger than that of my faith
I still fall off that wagon sometimes
But once those fears try to rip up my faith
They will pass and my faith's going to win
But the cycle repeats, once again I'll be tested
Maybe some day it won't happen again
The darkness consumes, but the darkness passes,
All I need's just a little light
But even when those demons sabotage my head
I still know I'm going to get through that night
So here I am just a strumming away
Been to hell and back but I've survived
And even now as I stand here naked
I'm just grateful to be singing and alive

It's time

2007-02-24T09:56:00.000-08:00

to go home

This is my first attempt at a concert review. As I once remember Jerry Garcia stating in an interview that a review of a concert was limited to that particular person's experience of it, than this will be my experience of the February 18, 2007 concert I experienced at Montbleu Resort in Stateline with headliner Spearhead and opening act Keller Williams.

The beginning of the experience started when back in December I went onto the My Space page of Spearhead and saw that they were going to do a show in Tahoe. Living out this way, we don't get a lot of groups out here that I generally like, or want to pay the price to see. I went through a phase earlier on that allowed me to see 120 Grateful Dead show, 30 Phish shows, and an uncounted amount of local experiences with groups in San Diego like the Cardiff Reefers, so that I was getting to see a large amount of live music in my younger days - particularly in my 20's and early 30's. Since then, and since the monumental event of Jerry Garica's passing, it has cut down a bit, especially after my daughter's birth - and since moving to the Reno, Nevada vicinity I have been to 3 concerts (not counting those lame snoozer groups you see in the park that are an amplified sleeping pill) - and those have been Los Lobos, Maria De Barros, and now this one. That is quite a drop off. When my own music is working for me and I can get past the inevitable out of tune notes that come out of my mouth and my guitar, I can get into quite a nice state of mind, so I think in my older age it has not been as much of a need in my life. Earlier on, especially in my single days without a family, the Grateful Dead was my church and religious gathering. I know some people will never get it, but for those who have experienced it - when the group was really on and the sound was right, it was like a collective state of ecstasy that came closer to an experience of God than anything I had ever known.

Before this concert ever even happened, planning and coordination took a lot of time. Since I was in the process of switching employers, I had to make sure I had accumulated enough time to take a day off, as I knew the day after was going to be exhausting. Also - on a Sunday night, knowing you have to be at work the next day has a way of distracting from the present experience. So once I got the go ahead there, the next task was figuring out where Sara was going to stay. Our friends in north Carson City seemed like the first logical choice, but since she has been getting along with their daughter less and less of late, and has never made it once a full night away from home (and then the issue of who would watch over the animals here) it finally made more sense to fork out the equivalent of the cost of another concert ticket to have a baby sitter camp out for almost 8 hours here instead. I think her home surroundings were a comfort to her, and that turned out to be a great call - and credit my wife for that one.

The next task was planning out the weather - as it was supposed to snow that night - and I gambled on taking the temporary rental not equipped to deal with the snow - and that was a little bit of a regret on the drive back home when the "chains and snow tires required on 50" sign was flashing, but it turned out going slow and driving in a state of agitated paranoia was all that was required there. I also had to drop off a piece of artwork for evaluation for my job on the way there, but that turned out to be okay. For whatever reason, the time before a concert always makes me a little nervous. I want to get there, stake out my "spot" like a dog stakes out territory and get a feel for the venue, where the bathrooms are, where the concession stands are - just the way I am. The time before a Grateful Dead show was always a great state of agitation for me, for anyone like Mr. L knows who has attended one with me. We got there at 8 - right when the opening act was supposed to come on, saw the "sold out" sign at the will call, and we found a place pretty close to the stage on the next level from the floor, a little closer to the left speaker than I would have preferred, but one that enabled Victoria to see the stage and that made her happy. I saw my favorite local radio host there "Anthony Postman" who does the reggae show on the PBS radio station every Thursday night, and we also ended up near the people who sold me my valentine tie-dye shirt that I wore and had bought at Earth Day in Reno about 2 years ago.

So 8 turned to 8:30 before Keller came on, and it was a little ominous to hear him say I will be with you for about an hour, because doing the math, that meant it was going to be a pretty long night. Initially, he reminded me of Leo Kottke, a guitar wizard, and he had the hippy beard and shaking head that appealed to all the hippies who were in attendance. This crowd came closer to matching a Phish crowd than any show I had seen for a while, and the familiar smell of marijuana filled the air - and although it has been close to 8 years since I have inhaled or even wanted to, I still find it to be a comforting aroma that I associate with the Grateful Dead (speaking of which his version of Saint Stephen was the first I ever got to experience live). I would have liked it if he stuck to the guitar, but it was when he tried to get fancy and do numerous tape loops to get a band sound going that he bordered on irritation pretty quickly. Other than Saint Stephen and a pretty decent version of Hendrix's the Wind Cries Mary, it got to be redundant quickly. Honestly, I have never been down with the whole idea of an opening act - all my Dead and Phish shows for the most part did not have one, and I come to see the headliner anyways. I think the headliner should have 2 sets of music, but instead we sat through it and looking over at my wife's face, I started to notice that she looked pretty damn miserable, like someone had just wiped dog-crap on her cheeks. One more thing - anyone who whistles through a speaker system may think they are cute, but the effect it has on the ears is up there with fingernails on a chalkboard. This guy actually gave my wife bad dreams later that night. So I snuck out at the end of his set to get some soft drinks, including my Red Bull which was going to get me through the evening since I am way too old to stay up late unassisted any more.

They had an interesting contest where 3 people came up and read letters in front of Michael Franti criticizing the president and the war, including a lady whose grandson had died there. It would have been nicer if it was not at 10:20 when the last letter was read, only to here him say we will come back in a "few minutes" for some music, meaning the first song played by them - and listed as a title here "It's Time to Go Home" came on at 10:40 at night, when it really felt to an old man like me like it was time to go home.

As far as Michael Franti goes - he is a great performer with some very inspired songs and he did about half of the songs from "Yell Fire" which I think is a great album, mixing criticism of war with a plea and urge for human beings to live together in peace, love and tolerance. He jumped around - and got the audience to follow him jumping in a lemming like fashion. All of his band was pretty talented. The sound system was a little on the muddy side as close as we were, and it was much easier to understand him when he just went acoustic and turned down the volume a bit. He had the audience participation song, where a heavy set hippie who looked like she was bra less came out of the audience to sing lead vocals at Franti's request and then about 30 people danced on stage, before they were politely thrown off of it for the next one. I liked the effect of "Light up your Lighter" (I posted the lyrics here earlier on a few months ago) - when the lights went dark and all of the pot head hippies had there lighters on as a tribute for the troops to come back home - I thought that worked well. There was one about the stars that light your way home, with the improvised "Tahoe" word thrown in. I would have liked to see one called "One Step Closer" which I still have running on my My Space page, but that was not to be and we left before the encore anyways - but overall - it felt good to be at a hippie show again, he has a great stage presence and charisma, and Franti really seems alive up there while performing, when you know after over 20 years of doing this and repeating songs night after night he must be a little burned out - it certainly did not show.

So after making it home in the snow and unwinding, and letting the Red Bull wear off, I got to bed at 2:30 and had interrupted 4 hours of sleep, which left me predictably feeling like a zombie the next day and paved the way for the cold I caught. I was out of it during the week - I left my camera home on Tuesday, left the dog food I had purchased at the vet sitting by my car the next day - and it is clear that late night shows get harder and harder to take the older I get. I wrote a thank you note to Franti's My Space page, which apparently was not good enough to actually be posted or get a response, but such is life - not everyone who performs is like Maria De Barros - who actually wrote back to me twice - the two e-mails I sent her - I guess not every musician can take the time to do that, which makes it all that much more appreciated when it does happen. Over all - even though I enjoyed it - it was a relief to be done with it - a relief to unload in the urinal the piss my bladder was holding in for the entire show, a relief not to be herded in with a bunch of sweaty, drunk and drug infested hippies - a relief not to have to play offensive line blocker with everyone who intruded upon my space in the middle of the concert. In other words - even though it was fun, the older I get, the more of an ordeal it seems to be. At a time past midnight, at this point in my life, it really was long overdue as a time to go home, and now writing this from home, it is good to be here.

Nobody's fault

2007-02-17T05:56:00.000-08:00

"My mother she taught me how to read, my mother she taught me how to read
If I don't read my soul gets lost
Nobodys fault but mine"

Once in a while somebody makes the comment that I am a "know it all". It is one thing to have a response to grade school level name calling, another to claim that I know everything, which in fact, I never have done once. When it comes to the amount of information that is out there in the world, I would be surprised if I knew even one millionth of it. I like to think I know myself, but considering how much there is to the psyche and unconscious, I am barely scratching the surface. The fact that I have an opinion, which I share here, does not mean I know everything. I guess when somebody can't make their point any other way, they result to name calling. And when that doesn't work, go the "kick your ass" card - and then volunteer someone else to do it. The best way to get me to "shut up" is to not read what I write. Chances are if you read this enough, it is bound to offend you in some way or push a button. That is not what I intend - but I am not going to restrain my thoughts in order not to do that. There are millions of other places to go if this is one of the places that upsets you. If you continue to read here and be pissed off by what you read, that is your problem because it is none of mine - as a dude named Pigpen once said. Personally if something doesn't interest me, I don't read it - which is why again - I don't read other blogs because I have yet to find one that does.

My wife thought my expression on my dislike of cruises was in poor taste, considering the circumstances. Well - I will say it again - the concept of a cruise to me is nauseating. That doesn't mean I have any problem with anyone who enjoys going on a cruise, fishing, heading to church, or doing anything that I don't choose to do. All I am saying is it is not for me. Whether or not I choose to subject myself to a week of hell for the benefit of others at a future time, I still have time to mull over.

But now to the subject matter at hand - the two words "nobody's fault". I had a girlfriend who I lived with about 12 years ago - she may not be the one who posted the brilliant name calling comment a couple posts back - although it sounded like her - but anyways - circumstances were - we came together in a state of mutual desperation. I already had read enough of her letters to me to know she was troubled, but we had a connection, both mental and physical - from the beginning. Victoria often comments that it is too bad we could not stay together - but it all comes down to this - my ex put on an unknown amount of weight after moving in with me - she says 60 pounds, but it might have been closer to 100 - I don't know. If I had complained about it - which I never did - she would have accused me of not liking a heavy person. But instead, I was accepting and supportive of her - and what she ended up doing was blaming me for putting on the weight she did put on . That is why I did not last with her, and nobody has - and as long as she thinks this way - nobody will - because everything that happens to her is somebody else's fault. Like my favorite radio show host - Jim Rome - said about golf player Colin Montgomery (he blamed America for his weight gain) - nobody crept up on him and put a gun to his head and demanded he put twinkies down his throat - he did it himself. I have struggled with weight, so I know it isn't easy - but I can't blame anyone else for it.

I am not saying I have never thought this way. When I saw a shrink around 1992 after my "Heather-gate" work incident that almost got me booted from my job - he had me convinced that my folks were some of the worst ever and in response I got very angry, stopped speaking to them, went around just fuming with rage at everything they had subjected me. I believed my mother's influence appeared to be sending me into relationships with domineering women that would not last, and then back into times of being alone where I was lonely and miserable. I believed that this was their fault and I hated them for it. I do not deny there is a link between the way we are raised and the life we live. Even now, I still believe we marry our opposite sex parent, and Victoria in my mind is a lot like my mother, even though both of them will never exactly be best friends. I do believe the way I was raised shaped and affected my personality - so that if my parents have issues with how I am or any of us are - they need to look in the mirror and see their contribution to whatever they have an issue with now.

All the same - whatever demons are there now - whatever insecurities, lingering neuroses, fears, depressions, confidence issues - they are my deck of cards now. They are the hand dealt to me. It serves me no purpose to blame my parents because blaming them will not change the present situation. I can look around and try to blame others in my life. Marital partners are always a prime target for what is going wrong in one's life - the only problem there is even if I have an issue with my wife, I chose her. If I don't like what she is doing - and most of us are not going to change too much - I can choose not to be with her. But if I stay with her, that is my choice as well. She brought home a can of "Peanut Roca" that I ended up mostly eating - and probably gained a couple pounds in the process. Is it her fault that she brought them home, or my fault for eating them?

Then there is the issue of self-blame - and that is counter productive as well. That is when you go ahead and say - all right - I was a god damn pig and ate the candy - it is my fault. What I am doing is creating this entity in my head - that I call me - and beating myself up for doing something - and then in blaming there as well, I get down on myself, don't like what I am - and then continue to make bad decisions and behave badly because that is the end result of not liking myself. So that is why I like "nobody's fault" because once fault is out of the equation, it is a matter of just - here it is and how can I deal with it.

Now time for the spiritual spin on this. I have too many bad associations with Judaism to continue practicing it - and I respect and admire those in my family and outside of it that still do - if it works, do it - and it does have an influence on my thinking - I just am not limited to it. I really like the archetypal idea of Christ being on the cross, even if I am not a Christian. I like the notion that our suffering leads to our exaltation, that no matter how bad it is or appears to be that there is an eventual rising that comes through with perseverance. Tie this in with the notion of karma - which is also a favorite of mine - and this is how I see it - everything in life, but particularly our challenges, tough times, struggles - is part of an individual karma. I don't really get too much into the past life thing - just because I have no way of relating to it. Maybe I have had a past life and maybe I will have a future one, but to me when I think of karma I think of it as a life lesson. I don't see it as punishment. If somebody beats you up or rapes you, it is not because you deserve it - nobody deserves it. But once something bad does happen in your life, whatever it is - and maybe it is something ongoing, there is a way to turn it into a positive, just like the torturous suffering of crucifixion becomes a positive rising in Christianity.

I personally believe - that where I am - right now - this very moment - is where I am meant to be. Maybe it is an unpleasant situation. Maybe I want to be somewhere else. Maybe I am looking at where I am standing and am convinced that my surroundings suck, that the desert landscape is ugly, that I don't like the people around me - that I want to run from them - that once I get somewhere else everything will be better. The cities of Seattle and Chicago come to mind for some that I know. Who is to say - maybe that is the case. Still - as long as you are standing where you are, then that is your reality now. Maybe you would like to run away - that notion is appealing to me at times - no more responsibility, worrying about what fund I am going to borrow from next to keep up with the bills, no worry about impressing people or holding a job to keep up with the mortgage - I will just take off somewhere and never come back. But where am I going to go to? And most importantly, if it is part of my karma/life lesson to face all this - than is running away the answer? Probably not. Personally - I see the desert as a beautiful and inspiring place - but that is just me.

I know life is hell at times - mine certainly has been and continues to be at times. At the same time, I am not a starving displaced refugee in Darfur living in constant fear of genocide either. If I am sitting at a computer in front of me, with a light on, electricity, food, running water - I already am blessed right there to have that - in a world where many don't even know if there will be enough food to eat that day. I saw a picture of these refugees on the news yesterday - they didn't look too happy.

There was an athlete on the Jim Rome show - unfortunately I don't remember his name, but it is an amazing story. He started as an athlete who had an accident, then he was a paraplegic after an accident, but overcame that and won many events. Then he had another accident and now he is a lifelong quadriplegic. He did become a drug addict, but overcame that. And when you hear him interviewed - and he really believes this - he is grateful for every minute alive, even though he is wheelchair bound and often in constant pain. His philosophy is we are all cripples in our own way, in our own wheelchair and he makes the best of what he has while he is here. He believes there is more to life than what his body is. If someone like that can come to this conclusion with all he has to face, than why can't one of us do that as well?

I believe a lot of our suffering comes from a notion of believing that something is supposed to be this way - we have a pre-conceived notion of marriage based on all the bullshit in the media, especially around this time of Valentine's Day. We have a notion of how it is supposed to be to raise a child -or believe once we provide our childeren with the things we did not have, they will be eternally grateful and thankful. That is when over there starts to look good, somebody else's marriage, somebody else's child, somebody else's life. At that time we become our own worst enemies, because we can't see how lucky and blessed we are to even be alive at all, even if it is a life spent facing a very difficult and consuming life challenge. Here we are at home, our child is sick, and she is a terror when she is sick - we are low on sleep, exhausted and irritated. Nobody said it was going to be easy. But still - the smile on her face, times she gives me a hug, her innocence and playfulness - that can make it all worth it. Maybe she is not an easy child, maybe I was not either, maybe it is my "fault" as a result - or - maybe it just is the way it is. A neighbor down the street has an autistic child who has screaming fits - I really don't know how she does it. But we make the best of what we have, unpleasant as it is or may be at times.

Well - I have run out of steam here, and probably offended a few more people along the way. Still it is nice to know that some people - mostly friends and family - read this on a semi-regular basis - when obviously there is a choice to read something else. For the most part, the feedback is positive so it is always good to hear from those of you who seem to like what I have to say - even if they are "miles" apart from those of you who don't.

Going back to spirituality, to conclude - I want to steal a line from Michael Franti - who I will be watching tomorrow night in person - reflecting my belief that all of us (not just one) are the sons and daughters of the God and Goddess:

"Every bit of land is a holy land and
Every drop of water is a holy water
Every single child is the son or the daughter of the
One earth mama and the one earth papa"

Suzy Suzy Suzy Suzy

2007-02-15T16:24:00.001-08:00

Suzy Greenburg

Nice meeting her grandfather here..

I have my fears

2007-02-09T16:29:00.000-08:00

But they do not have me

I would encourage anyone to read the words to this song as it delves into the subject of fear and the notion of overcoming it. I would not pretend to have reached this point myself, but I must say I am closer to it than I was "half of my life" time ago. Thanks to my ex-girlfriend for her last crude projecting comments of cowardice in my last post. If it is not her, it is certainly her spirit and her writing style, and her denial that is her in fact tells me nothing. Nothing like using terms like "pussy" and "vagina" to get a point across - I mean - what greater insult than to accuse a man of being a woman - our prejudiced notion of an apparent frightened woman stereotype that our primitive culture has bought into. Try delivering a baby and let's see who the braver sex is. The fact that my ex is indeed - a woman - at least technically speaking - just indicates her own self-loathing even further. I don't want to knock her too much - I mean I did spend a year of my life with her, thankfully no more than that, but as I chose her, she must be a part of me - especially since she has continued to stick around in my life like a bad case of dandruff - even if she is thousands of miles away. Some day that will change - and maybe that some day has arrived finally. I put up with a lot, but at some point even I have a breaking point, as my last boss found out. I will thank her for taking the time to read my "entries" and one of these days I may get around to reading her stuff as well - I just never seem to get around to it..

But enough about that. I believe the author of the post was describing herself more than me, and if you ever want to find out about someone's personality, just see what aspects of their personality they project onto someone else. Let's start with the word "pussy" - obviously a twisted notion of a cat, crudely used to describe a woman's sex organs, and at the absolute lowest sense of the word, a real insult to send the dagger through the heart of someone. They are fighting words for some, although I am not much of a fighter. Nobody is going to accuse me of being Rambo or John Wayne, although I really have had no need to fight except for one time years ago in 7th grade. We live in a world of fear, documented by Michael Moore in Bowling for Columbine, but how many of us actually get mugged, beat up by thugs, or assaulted? Never has happened to me yet. I am sure a self defense class wouldn't hurt, but never a priority. If you look for fights you find them. I don't own a gun. Let God/dess protect me and if it is my time for my ass to be kicked, "Bring em on" as our brilliant leader says.

Pussy implies cowardice. So what is a coward anyway? Is the anti-thesis a person who has no fear? Well - that is not really fair - if you have no fear to begin with, than it is not that hard to do something that inspires fear for others. The ladder you see above - placed upon a building over 20 feet high - many construction workers would see that, jump right up on it without a second thought - and be up at the top of the building in 10 seconds flat. As for myself, overcoming my fears, stepping one step at a time upon a swaying ladder that seemed to go on forever - and slid slightly at the top edge - took a great deal of courage on my own part as someone who has had to overcome a terror of heights out of necessity. So - what about someone who is born into this world - such as myself - with a lot of fear. Are you a coward based on something you are born with or not born with? There is a lot of fear in my family - all of us inherited it - both genetically and then re-inforced in the way we were raised. And this applies in turn to those that raised the ones that raised us. There is a contrast to some degree - in that my father could walk through bad neighborhoods without a second thought, while my mother was terrified of parking her car in broad daylight at an outdoor mall in Palos Verdes. As I spent the majority of time with the present parent in my life as my mother, which one rubbed off on me? Take a guess. I grew up consumed in fear - fear of failure, fear of asking out a woman, fear of not being able to succeed, fear of just about everything. When the sum of my fears came crashing down upon me, I was afraid of being alive and facing a world that I did not think I could survive in. I was more afraid of living than dying. I did not have much confidence, a common theme in my family.

20 years later - a lot has changed. It is not that my fears have gone away - when I have my anxiety attacks that are less frequent lately, but not gone by any stretch - I am reminded that my fear will always be a part of who I am. Yet I do believe that I have overcome a lot of them. I can't tell you exactly how I have done it, but I know one thing - at some point you have to face them head on and just immerse yourself in them. I had the choice of either doing that, or living my life helplessly dependent on others to take care of me. I credit the faith I developed in a higher power and ultimately in myself for overcoming some of them. And I also have to credit something else - illegal drugs. I think they saved me.

I am not big on crystal meth, heroine, alcohol, or recreational drugs. Psychedelics can be used for recreation - and in some ways that is their draw - but at the most intense expression of them, they turn your world upside down, send you into a terrified state of exposure to your deepest fears, demons, and internal monsters. This happened on more than one occasion for me - during my mushroom and LSD experiences, but the one that will always stand out for me as a turning point of sorts was my Irvine Meadows experience. It was when the pre-historic creatures started swimming around in the out-house that I realized I was starting to lose touch with the world I was familiar with as "reality" and running into a wall of complete orange suggested my senses were disconnected too. Despite the unfortunate consequences of the police involvement and my parents losing a night of sleep, I really see this as the emotional boot camp event in my life that made me believe in myself again. I knew that if I could get through this death state, a state where I had gone onto the next alien existence state and had my world as I know it shattered for what appeared to me to be a permanent forever notion, I knew I could do such intimidating things as going on a job interview.

And when it was time for my first interview, I was a stuttering nervous wreck. It took a few of them to slowly overcome that lack of confidence, and I did get better as I went on. Every first experience of any kind, from the first time I tried (unsuccessfully I might add) to make love, the first interview, first time on the job at JC Penney, and then again at my last employer of 18 years - I always faced a wall of terror that I had to get past. It was never easy, but the more I was able to get through it, succeed in the wake of all my fears and insecurities, the more I could re-program myself to believe that I in fact could do something. When everything inside me had always told me I could not do it, and it was that notion of not believing in myself that scared me so much to begin with, I found out to my surprise that I could do it. Real life experience showed that my life time programming was wrong, I could survive in the face of the failure I believed myself to be. I slowly started to see that who I thought I was, who I had been raised to believe I was, was in fact quite different from what I could be in reality.

Getting back to that ladder - symbolically and literally - the climb freaked me out beyond belief the first time I had to get on a roof. I was shaking, I was terrified, I just wanted to get back down. Than the more I got up on one story homes, the more comfortable I was, but two story ladders freaked me out. I had sweaty palms and was shaking when I had to go up one in Incline Village. I had to do a two story ladder 6 times in one hour at an apartment complex in Carson. Again, the more I did it, the more I realized I could and the more I saw that my fears did not have to consume me. And don't think the ladder you see in the picture didn't scare the hell out of me - it did - but one shaking step at a time, I did it, and I am still here to tell about it.

How does the notion of driving 50 miles into the dark night to meet a described psychotic and paranoid truck driver sound to you? I had to do it. When I met him, his eyes were popping out of his head. It was my own fears that I had gone through that made me feel empathy for him, rather than fearing him - and I got him to calm down as I did my task I was appointed to do - and I got through it. Would the person who wrote the last comment fared as well in my shoes - I highly doubt it.

So although I don't engage in psychedelic experiences any more, some times the voices of doom and fear consume as they did during my sleepless night before my wife left town. I had very strong thoughts in my head - as I did 20 years ago - that my life was too much for me, that I did not have what it took to face it and succeed - that my new job was going to blow up in my face, that I was going to fail and let my family down. When those dark thoughts consume your head, they are very real and very persuasive. But once I get to the next day, I again realize I have survived my own darkness and I get a re-gained sense of confidence. After that night, I was able to drive her to the airport, do my best to be a single Dad facing a new job without a computer. Having immersed myself in the fear and then come through, I had a new sense of confidence - and I took charge - talked Victoria into staying with her original flight, and I had no problems during the time she was gone, despite being the apparent babbling psychotic maniac the night she was leaving - just to get on her good side anyways.

So when I hear about medication - I am divided. I don't believe in needless suffering, and some times anxiety serves no purpose at all except to provide complete discomfort. But other times, re-uniting with the fear at an intense level, can be inspirational and confidence inspiring. I don't always want to avoid an experience like that. I did not choose my Irvine meltdown, it chose me - but I will always be thankful for the experience, as hellish as it was. It may not be for everyone - but for me - it helped me - some of you cannot understand that - but trust me - it did. Despite my fears and doubts, I have been able to succeed in a competitive field where burn out and exhaustion are common. I have been able to take care of my family. I am not Mr. Adventure - as the post points out - and I do not have a desire to travel the world as some do. I would do that for my wife's sake if she wanted to. I would even subject myself to the Cruise to Hell if that would be what she wanted and if she was there too. I might not do it enthusiastically, and I might take every prescription drug available first - and then shout out for doses while on board - but if it would please my wife, I would do it for her - because that is as much of a "pussy" I am. I am really doomed now - if I go I am caving in and I am a pussy, if I don't I am too much of a pussy to face it. Well - if that is the way it is - what the hell - bring it on.

Text in full - courtesy of Peter Gabriel:

Darkness

i’m scared of swimming in the sea

dark shapes moving under me

every fear i swallow makes me small

inconsequential things occur

alarms are triggered memories stir

it’s not the way it has to be

i’m afraid of what i do not know

i hate being undermined

i’m afraid i can be devil man and

i’m scared to be divine

don’t mess with me my fuse is short

beneath this skin these fragments caught

when i allow it to be there’s no control over me

i have my fears but they do not have me

walking through the undergrowth, to the house in the woods the deeper I go, the darker it gets

i peer through the window knock at the door

and the monster i was so afraid of

lies curled up on the floor is curled up on the floor just like a baby boy

i cry until i laugh

i’m afraid of being mothered with my balls shut in the pen

i’m afraid of loving women and i’m scared of loving men

flashbacks coming in every night don’t tell me everything’s alright

when I allow it to be it has no control over me i own my fear

so it doesn’t own me

walking through the undergrowth, to the house in the woods

\the deeper i go, the darker it gets i peer through the window

knock at the door and the monster i was

so afraid of lies curled up on the floor is curled up on the floor just like a baby boy

i cry until i laugh

Hey Mr. Spaceman

2007-02-04T06:19:00.000-08:00

Hey, Mr. Spaceman
Won't you please take me along
I won't do anything wrong
Hey, Mr. Spaceman
Won't you please take me along for a ride

Well - I am officially writing from a computer at home today. And with that in mind - I want to start by jumping right in and saying now is not a time to be proud to be a human being. I just watched An Inconvenient Truth and I am convinced Al Gore does in fact deserve to win the Nobel Peace Prize he has been nominated for recently. I always want to believe there are two sides to any story, but after watching this, I believe that anyone who does not believe in global man made warming is on the same camp as those who believe the Earth is flat, the holocaust does not exist, the biblical version of creation - the one that says we are a full 6,000 years old - in other words - I don't know how clear it can be. I am torn in believing that there has to be some hope for us vs. believing in complete and utter doom - but it seems we pretty much brought this upon ourselves and have to live with our own consequences of massive consumption and greed. To think we might have had a prayer in actually reversing this if Gore was elected, when in fact we chose who will probably go down in history as the utter worst ever for not one but two terms also makes me somewhat ashamed to be lumped in the category of human beings.

I know I am one. I look in the mirror and I see a hairy frumpled human being staring back at me. To survive I need food and water intake, I urinate, defacate, and have been known as a male member to even ejaculate. I for one have had many differences with my human beings I have known and associated with for such a long time that I have often wondered if a little green man came down from the sky that I would finally feel re-united with long lost brethren.

Let me now start with some individual specifics. Today I will be watching the most watched TV event of the year - the Super Bowl - with some actual interest, so that makes me somewhat linked to my fellow humans I guess. But let's start with the newest proposed topic in my family - that of attending a cruise. The article I linked may seem a little harsh, but it gives 10 solid reasons why I would never in my human life want to go on one of these. Maybe when I am older and the population on one will be more within my age group - I might decide to be interested, but that is hard to imagine. I just can't for the life of me understand what would ever motivate one to get on a large crammed boat and choose this as a means or method of enjoyment. I know others do enjoy these - and I can respect that. Some might say I have never done one, so how would I know I hate it so much. Well - I have never been submerged from head to toe in sewage either, but it is pretty clear to me that I would prefer to avoid this as well. After pondering, the concept of a cruise sounds wretched to me. Blame it on The Love Boat - probably one of the worst shows to ever hit the TV screen - a show which I watched in my childhood and may have caused permanent damage to my psyche. Everything about this show is so wrong, starting with the captain shown on this link, who clearly should have never moved on from his more natural role on the Mary Tyler Moore show - to the whole perverted western concept of love which I once bought into, in part because of this show. The idea of being stuck on a boat just makes me nauseous before I even get seasick. I think the appeal is to those who like to drink, who can get bombed without having to worry about driving home. Then if you are sick, you can always just heave off the side of the boat. I also understand there are tons of food on these things, so you sit around and eat like a pig the whole time - sorry - don't need that either.

Combine this with the proposed notion that this would be a reunion of my family. I know I previously had written about theories about why my family is so distant - but forget that for now if you can and let's just say it speaks for itself and it is what it is. Geographically - other than the two parents who live in the same house, nobody else is within 100 miles of each other. Parents in LA suburb, brother in San Diego, sister in Monterrey/San Jose vicinity, I am here in Northern Nevada, brother in New York. Our natural state of gravitated inertia suggests we are pretty comfortable away from each other. At times we have had our camps - the So Cal camp, the No Cal camp - but overall - the further from each other the more comfortable we are - which is why we are where we are. It is not a natural state for our family to be together. The last time it happened at Mammoth Lakes I couldn't sleep and had nightmares. I don't have claustrophobia literally - I can crawl around in crawl spaces during home inspections and be quite okay with it. But part of that is because I know I can get out eventually. My family makes me claustrophobic though. It is so utterly against our nature to be in one place together, that everything screams out against it, and then when we act like it is a natural event it seems even more unnatural. Combine that with the close quarters of a cabin on a ship described in the cruise link above, and I think I would have an urge to jump ship after the first day. There would be no escape, no way out - HELPPP!!! I would have to bring along seasick pills, anxiety pills, maybe finally even get on anti-depressants to survive that week of torture. All the while creating needless pollution upon our ocean mother so a bunch of us can go for an intoxicated joy ride. Sorry - but life is too short for that for me. Thankfully life is short as I will not fully live to see the consequences of global warming. I wish I could say the same for my daughter.

I know - families are suppose to be close - another reason I think I am really an outer space alien. People actually enjoy cruises - I don't - chalk another point. I think about the things people like to do around the area I live:

1) Go to church - to listen to some boring sermon by a certified religious authority who can tell me his or her version of what I am supposed to believe in based on a book written thousands of years before I was born. Yawn. No - not for me. I like to believe I am spiritual, but for me organized religion has never been consistent with spirituality.

2) Go skiing - go racing down a hill in a terrified state with the goal of reaching the bottom without falling over countless times. Once you get there, your reward is to do it one more time and get up that chairlift. I really tried to do this at once. I understand knee and wrist breaks are quite common. I will pass.

3) Fishing - Sit around bored out of your skull, and then feel the sudden excitement hours later - if at all - of watching a fish thrash and fight it's way to a painful death. Uggg.

4) Gambling - Go into a smoke filled den to piss away the money I have on some ominous sounding series of slot machines playing demonic music while zombies stare into the screen in a possessed state of hope that they will get the money back they lost. Even if the resolution has been passed to take away the smokers - pretty depressing.

5) Head to Las Vegas - I was just there for training and I had this image of all those casinos and buildings, draining resources, having water diverted to them in a drought situation - and pondered the notion of what it would be like with all the electricity shut off. It could happen. People think electricity is an automatic thing - but with the world's resources in question - don't count on it. Think of a scene out of Road Warrior. All of the building there seems consistent to me with all the greed and excess that are driving us to the state of global warming to begin with. It is a city - like our state - built off people blowing their money in casinos. Or you can pay 100 bucks or more to see a show. Every time I leave that place I am so glad I don't live there. Good food - but that's about it for me.

So long story short - I may be a human, but based on association with my fellow humans, this is not a time to be proud to be one. I apologize for my present lack of optimism. Mr. Gore seems to suggest that there is hope for us at the end of the movie. I remain unconvinced - and I realize I am part of the problem as well - every time I commute close to an hour to get to work - I am part of the problem. As one of my brilliant professors once said in a lecture "species come, species go". Maybe we are just another species sealing our own doom. If that is in fact the case, than we had better make the best of it while we can, as it is only is going to get worse. I still believe there is some hope - as I cannot help believe that - but at the same time, I am not really sure why I believe that. Hopefully we can vote for someone who is actually going to get off his ass and do something about it. Maybe our brilliant ologopoly corporate leaders may finally figure out it is in their best interests to act now instead of suppress and manipulate information. To their credit, some of them are - even the evil empire Walmart from what I understand.

To quote Jim Morrison here

"I just want to get my kicks before the whole shit-house goes up in flames."

We had better appreciate life and what we take for granted around us every day before our own actions seal our own doom.

Any day now, any day now...

2007-01-31T11:21:00.000-08:00

My computer will arrive - although that coincidentally is the verse to my all time favorite Bob Dylan song I Shall Be Released for those of you who are unfortunate enough not to know this amazing song. So January usually is a test to see what I am made of and this one has not let me down. It goes back to being an insurance adjuster many years ago during a terrible windstorm and being overwhelmed - the next year I filled in for a guy and had a ton of work dumped on me including all autos and houses, for the month, year before last year it was snowload claims, flood claims last January. One of the Januaries mentioned above was the toughest month my marriage ever endured, on top of that. This January - it has been transition for a new job, feeling out of it, displaced, and waiting every day for over 3 weeks now for that ever elusive computer. Victoria's Dad just passed on as of Saturday, so to add to all of the stress of a new job, I was in charge of Sara for 8 days for the first time in my history as a Dad, and Victoria was badly missed by most of us. Seasonal depression can be hard to begin with, but a missing wife, and the stress of a new job with no equipment to do it - well - I know I am just getting out my violins here - obviously it has been hard for everyone in my household - but suffice it to say - I can't wait for February since I have to turn the corner at some point, don't I? Victoria arrives back today, and God only knows maybe my computer will show up too - any day now - any day now.

Upon news of Victoria's trip - planned a quick day in advance of her flying and I became aware of it last Tuesday night - I had my at least once a year anxiety ridden insomnia melt down - but once I got through that, seemed to adjust to a drastic change well enough. The melt down was inspired by everything - money worries, job worries - how I would break it to them that my time would be limited as a Mr. Mom - but fortunately the boss has been understanding - I haven't been canned yet anyways.

Thanks to Mom and Dad for saying they missed my writings - I know my writings aren't always exactly what you want to be reading - but I appreciate you sticking with it anyways. I speak my mind here and am obviously going to push a few buttons on the way, but that is what straightforward emotional journalism is about. Thanks to Vicki for telling me what I write here inspires her - that is quite a compliment too.

My little doggie ( I should be happy - she is only crapping in the house now - much easier to clean up than piss) awaits me in the car - so I now exit the scenic South Lake Tahoe library to get on with my day, grab my wife from Reno Tahoe Airport where she will be very happily received back by her family, despite her locational preference to be living where she just flew out from.

May seem like a million miles away

2007-01-19T15:12:00.000-08:00

but it gets a little closer every day - line from a song by the Police about One World is Enough - whatever - no time to link it as I have 25 minutes left and only have e-access via library these days. It figures that after 18 years with one company the transition to another would not exactly be smooth. 2 weeks without a computer now and you don't realize how dependent you are on these things from everything from checking e-mail to your bank account, and even posting here. 24 minutes...so will be quick. So far the people I work with have been great, but not having a computer is definitely a karmic challenge. I am going around to my numerous freeze break appointments with a real life pen and paper which is definitely strange. Have fronted a bunch of expenses as well and will be re-imbursed. Late on my last paycheck and with a one week delay here, it is a little stressful financially. I just want to fast forward one month when I have my computer, no what the hell I am doing, and feel somewhat established - but it will come. All I got for now - will be back to my full blown novels when I get my new computer - whenever that is....

I'm free

2007-01-05T05:29:00.000-08:00

And freedom tastes of reality

This is it - the last day of a 17 and 1/2 year run with my company. I don't need to say who they are - those of you who know me know quite well who they are. This company gave me an opportunity to get a foot in the door with a company at a time in my life - July of 1989 - when I was desperate for a job and quite ready to toss in the towel and maybe even be forced to move back home with my parents if I did not land one quickly. With this company I was able to remain in San Diego, support myself which in itself led me to the romantic relationships that started shortly after landing the job. I was told when I first walked in the door that I looked terribly frightened and shy - which is an essential aspect of who I am - but in being forced to get on the phone and talk to people, I gradually became more outgoing and confident to a certain degree. The job gave me the ability to see my countless Grateful Dead concerts - over 100 of them happened when I worked there. I also got perks like tickets to the Padres and Chargers which made me a sports fan all over again at a time when I had drifted away from sports - and as being a sports fan is such an essential aspect of being part of a huge phenomenon in this country, I think that also paved the way for more friends and relationships. Finally, this company was willing to invest in moving me out to Northern Nevada in April of 2001, which turned out to be perfect timing in us landing our first and only home we have ever owned, and when I see the moon coming over the mountains or the rays of sunshine bursting through in the morning, some times I can't believe I live in such an incredible natural setting for a home. Driving around Northern Nevada has also been very insping and uplifting, and a paid for tour of the Sierras and some incredible landscapes is not something anyone could really complain about.

So - I may have dwelled on some of the negative aspects of my job lately, but I do want to make it clear - it has not all been bad. Unfortunately though, it has become very clear to me over the last 2 years especially that this was not going to be the company I retired with, a dream that I may have had initially. I like stability and consistency - maybe that is part of my "Virgo" personality. Yet - knowing now that there is life outside of where I work, that there is more of an economic benefit to going elsewhere, and maybe even more of an emotional one on top of that, I am now testing the waters in where my latest fate and karma has now brought me. No guarantees I know and when I hear the words meet the new boss same as the old boss it serves as a kind of friendly warning to me that I can't expect a new setting is going to be the answer to all of my problems. At the same time - all the signs are right this time that lead me to believe that this is very promising. I had a great feeling from my manager who interviewed me - it was the most relaxed job interview I have ever had - and he did a great job of putting me at ease and acting like it was a one on one chat instead of a condescending interview. Another guy who works in my field, formerly with another company similar to mine, now works there and took the time to welcome me aboard with a phone message, and he is also someone I like and respect. So - although I am expecting to dig my heels into the trenches and put in the work and effort that got me through almost 18 years with what may be the most demanding company in the industry, I also know that it is going to be a better situation, just like my original job was a cut above working at JC Penney, my first employer out of college.

So today - waking up and knowing that this is in fact the last day, a day when I merely head down to the street and go through a few explanations with the guy who for the time being is replacing me - well - I have to admit - it is a pretty good feeling. I have been counting down the days of my last month here ever since the beginning of December, and now the day is finally here!

Well - on a technical note - after day for those countless people out there righting to me, my computer access is going to be hit and miss - so - I may not get anything you send me right away as of today.

If you wanna get thru the years
It's high time you played your card
If you live in this world
You're feelin' the change of the guard

It's even worse than it appears

2006-12-31T05:02:00.000-08:00

I know the rent is in arrears
The dog has not been fed in years
It's even worse than it appears
but it's all right

Every week I decide to do this the first task is to pick out a topic and then find the right song lyric to start it out. So this week I get a 1 on a scale of 1 to 10 for originality in going with the lamest, most topical subject out there - that being the year in review. I am not going to go chronological and cover everything month by month, more go with the individual subjects at hand and even throw in more song lyrics to cover each one as a mini topic. Some, if not most of this, may be somewhat repetitive - as chances are I have already addressed each subject, so consider this the year end summary of what has already been thrown out here over the last year. Seeing that this year has been somewhat challenging, Touch of Grey, the lyric for the title line, seemed like a good place to start - mainly because it was quite a challenge this year in particular, dealing with my daughter:

Sara, Sara,Whatever made you want to change your mind?
Sara, Sara,So easy to look at, so hard to define

I was telling Sara last night that even if Sara might not have been her first choice for a name, she got a pretty nice Bob Dylan song out of it - one that from what I know he dedicated to his wife of the time - so it was a lot better than being named Emma - as the only Emma song I know of is by Frank Zappa and called Big Leg Emma - not nearly as flattering. Going back to the posts from this summer - the 4 trips to the hospital in the middle of the night, resulting in two emergency room stays, one emergency room reject, one two night hospitalization, many more doctor's visits, and enough decibels of screaming to challenge any nearby airplane approaching a run way near you - that whole experience was up there with one of the most difficult things I have ever been through. Part of what made it frustrating is the notion that there are no actual doctors out here in Northern Nevada, as all of the real doctors have already moved to Chicago, and instead we just have a bunch of lay persons who pretend to be doctors, but do not actually have an MD or any qualifications of any kind - or at least so I am told. Yet even the pretend doctors we did see - who were for the record - much more unqualified to practice than any of their Illinois counterparts - even if they really were doctors - did get to the end of the mystery eventually - or at least apparently - in concluding that the very real symptoms appeared to be for the most part psychologically driven, as there were no actual symptoms revealed in the endoscopy test (we had to settle for the local version, since it would have been a better test in Illinois) - and although we can speculate that hanging out with a certain child friend probably did not help a lot, we still don't know absolutely for certain what happened. From the looks of it now though, it was mainly anxiety and two months of not telling Mommy what was going on, when normally Mommy is told of absolutely anything and everything under the sun that is happening. The symptoms still surface from time to time at a mainly lower level - and like an earthquake it is possible it could return again, but two things are important from my perspective. First of all - I think the mystery is somewhat solved as to what was going on. Food allergies - what she did have at one point - were also ruled out which helped as well. Number two though is that all of us got through this, at times when it seemed we were falling apart. The talks of moving to Chicago to have the real doctors take over - once again - for the 10 zillionth time - proved to be nothing but just that - talk - and it is a testament to our marriage that we are still here together when it appeared that something as upsetting as this ordeal was going to threaten it. Almost 2,000 dollars or so later I have finally paid off the last portion of this out of pocket, so it did have a definite financial as well as emotional impact upon us. But getting back to marriage now - here is the next subject:

Marriage is a two-headed transplant,
Sometimes thats how it seems.
When the sex wears off its all give and take,
And its good-bye to all your dreams.
One head wants to go to a movie
While the other wants to stay at home,
And just like a two-headed transplant
You get the feeling that youre never alone

It may not sound like the most flattering portrait of marriage, but in reality - that is about right for not only this marriage, but maybe to some degree all of them. Some of my wife's numerous pursuers who have held out hopes that they would win the prize even after she was with me have made some observations about our marriage - often describing it as a "fucked up marriage" and a "farce". My response to those descriptions would be "okay - and your point is...?" Whoever said taking two people and sticking them together was an easy process. In every relationship there is going to be inevitable conflict. Most will go through a honeymoon phase, but eventually the above described initial thrill of sex does wear off for most of us anyways, along with any possible infatuation along the way, and then you are left with two people to deal with each other on the level of human beings who see each other for what they are, warts, armpits, farts, sweat and all. Behind all of the love songs we are brainwashed in hearing in our youth that tell us our savior or messiah will arrive to complete us in the act of love, is the final realization that nobody can really do this for us and we are on our own. Once this realization occurs, we can either move on, file for divorce, have numerous secret affairs, or just face the fact that love is a need on some level that cannot be satisfied outside of us. Look at the Dalai Lama - a pretty seemingly together and happy dude who has been celibate for his entire life and doesn't seem to me to be particularly upset about that notion, and there is an example if you want one that true fulfillment comes from within, not without. So a successful marriage is one where to some degree both realize and accept that they are lonely and together at the same time, together in their loneliness, and both can be there for each other in the way that they can, with the final realization that it is not happily ever after the way we are led to believe, and that frustration and dis-satisfaction are going to be inevitable anywhere in anything long term. Even if you chase that love somewhere else, eventually you are in the "and then what" phase where you are back where you started. Now I do know of some who keep getting that rush from numerous affairs and if that is what works - go ahead and do it. All I can say about us and our "fucked up marriage" is that using a legal term I was introduced to in one of my claims courses "res ipsa loquitur" (probably spelled wrong) - meaning - it speaks for itself - what speaks for itself is we are still together. As many times as both us have wanted to leave for greener pastures - and will continue to want to - and will continue to think of the "d" word during the numerous disputes we have over some of the stupidest things you can imagine, we are still here. My daughter asked me if we were gettting a divorce last time we got into it. I assure her that we want to be there for her, but in the scheme of things - who can really say what will happen - starting from whether we will even be alive next week? I wish I could say we have come to a new realization where we just love the crap out of each other constantly, and maybe at times that will be a phase we go through - but in the end, I haven't figured it out - would be the last to say I have an answer for myself, our marriage, or anything for that matter. When things go south it is just as frustrating now as it ever was. One observation I do have is that at least from my side of it, it seems we get over it quicker, don't hold grudges as long, maybe even don't take it as personally when we do have our inevitable disputes. So maybe that is a sign of progress right there.

The offered me the office, offered me the shop
They said I'd better take anything they'd got
Do you wanna make tea at the BBC?
Do you wanna be, do you really wanna be a cop?
Career opportunities are the ones that never knock
Every job they offer you is to keep you out the dock
Career opportunity, the ones that never knock

Just about this time last year I went from my typical busy to stressful crazy mode at my job. I had been busting it all year with the assurance that I was going to have a support guy during the crazy winter time, and after hearing that all year, it turned out to be one guy coming up for a couple days, not months as initially promised. One of many morale assaults and false promises I endured during my stay at my job. A head hunter and an incredibly cheesy one ( kind of an oxymoron along with "fucked up marriage" - "cheesy headhunter") let me know of another job just when I was being bombarded with medical bills for the daughter's ordeals and had just put down 300 to pay as down payment for the endoscopy. As the story goes, I went semi-manic knowing of an opportunity that looked much better, and was strung along and hung out to dry this summer, before finding out about another one just recently that low and behold actually did pan out. It is almost mind boggling to believe that my employer since July of 1989 who has fronted my paycheck for nearly "half of my life" will be ending their reign of my life this coming Friday. Everyone I have talked to tells me the new employer has a great reputation as a place to work for (which my present employer does not) and from the outside it is hard to imagine this as anything but an amazingly positive development. Still - I have to keep my head - because there is no guarantee in anything and I do have to prove myself. The new guy I am training here now - a real nice charismatic guy who happens to live somewhat nearby - has been calling me "Flash" when he sees how fast I fly on the computer during an inspection, to the point where I have all reports, photos, diagrams, and estimates locked and ready to e-mail out when I am heading out the door - and this is something that not everyone can handle as quickly as I do. I know some say I type fast (although not as fast as many trained admin. asssitants) - but anyone who follows me - to be blunt and somewhat cocky about it - knows that I know my shit. I just do. Sure there is a flaw somewhere - I am not a construction expert by any stretch - but I can get out my product quickly and effeciently, and most people who meet me think I am a nice guy, because I try hard to give them a good experience when I come out, and even go the extra mile like I did at 4:15 Friday, feeling completely burned out, somewhat sick, and exhausted from a combination of covering an average of 200 miles a day for 4 days - even in that delirious state I made the crawlspace inspection in Sparks, Nevada - one that involved crawling head on into the dirt where every type of ominous looking spider web covered the entry way - I just did it because it was the right thing to do and I got to get a picture of a very disgusting set of mold infested floor joists along the way. They will miss me where I work because I am a model worker - I try hard, know the software, know how to put it together quickly, and I always have been and will be the go to guy. With that in mind - if I am a betting man here - I bet on myself because although I can't guarantee anything, I think the new folks did hire the right guy - the perfect guy - and it is just a matter of showing them what I already know. So I am quietly confident, although cautious at the same time, going into the new place that I am going to earn my paycheck and come into a better situation than I have been in for a long time. Comparing it to 365 days ago - it is a pleasant contrast for certain, and I would like to extend my thanks for the man and lady upstairs for their share in helping me get there.

Gone are the days we stopped to decide
Where we should go, We just ride
Gone are the broken eyes we saw through in dreams
Gone - both dream and lie

I had to pause for a second to think of an applicable line to describe my spiritual state - but in starting with the Grateful Dead, I "might as well" end with them. "I have spent my life" looking inward, and you can only see so much when you do - but I think overall I am in a pretty good state now, even with the extra weight put on during the holidays and overall crappy feeling I have inevitably in gutting through the low amount of daylight at this time of year ( a whopping 9 hours and 25 minutes). This year, and over the last couple of years, I have composed some pretty good stuff on a musical level - and even have had a compliment or two in what I write here. I am not out to make money doing this - I will leave that to others. My creativity in song writing and writing in general is designed for one thing and one thing only - to express myself in a way that makes me a better person. If it entertains or inspires another on the way - that is awesome - but money is not part of the equation and I don't want anything to corrupt the process. When I write my song, it is not to impress others or to make money - I already know how to do that with my paycheck job, which also has its creative outlets on the way. In tuning into myself the way I really have been able to ever since moving to this house, I have not only felt more spiritually connected for the most part at this phase of my life than any other, I have also written more of my own personal favorite "go to" songs at this time of my life than any I can think of. If there is one message I want to drive home to myself, brainwash myself with - it is that I am a good guy and that I do believe in myself, despite a life time of thoughts and emotions that have existed to the contrary - and still do. So this month - instead of referring to myself as a fat pig for putting on the pounds I did, instead it is that's okay - we'll knock some down after a resolution or two. When I fuck something up - as I will inevitably as any human being does - I want to assure myself that it's okay, life goes on - that I still believe in who and what I am. As a lot of our personality characteristics are here for life - I believe we learn to live with our "flaws" and work within the parameters of who we are, rather than trying to change into something we can never really ever be outside of who we really are. So I can still be described as a "fucked up" guy in a "fucked up" marriage, and I am never going to pretend to be the most together person in the world. I will still freak out over something stupid, get angry over something that does not warrant it, get into an anxiety attack over something insifnificant in the scheme of things, and go through my spells of depression and sadness - but as the very first song I listed here today says in three plane words: IT'S ALL RIGHT. I think overall I am getting more comfortable in my own skin, believing in myself to the point of grounded confidence instead of false and temporary ego inflation. I feel humble and grateful for all of the many miracles life has to offer, from my human and animal companions who share a home with me, to the "wonders of nature" in seeing an incredible sunset or moon rise over the mountains. The older I get, and the closer to death in the process - whenever that day may be - I am more grateful for the simple plain fact of being alive to experience what life does have to offer, from within my own skin and mind. I have food to eat, a place to sleep, I am not alone, and I feel the presence of a higher being. Nothing is perfect - but on some level it is perfect in its imperfection, and the notion of a perfect marriage or life - in believing what one of those things is suppposed to be - as opposed to what it actually is - that notion is what screws us up. I believe in who I am and what I am doing, and I cannot always say that was the case in my life. My task in life is to continue to do that so that I can inspire myself and maybe a person or two outside of myself along the way. And with that - about an hour and a half into the start of this writing - I now say Happy New Year and may your journey along the way be as rewarding as mine is now.

Battle Mountain

2006-12-27T19:12:00.000-08:00

Having just gotten back from an overnight stay there, I thought some might want to be interested in this historic place. I don't usually do a post just to promote a site, but this one is pretty darn hilarious - and paints a pretty accurate picture on top of it

Battle Mountain - Armpit of America

These are the seasons of emotion

2006-12-23T04:44:00.000-08:00

These are the seasons of emotion
and like the winds they rise and fall
This is the wonder of devotion -
I see the torch we all must hold.
This is the mystery of the quotient -
Upon us all a little rain must fall.

Led Zeppelin is often thought of as a phase American teenage boys go through, and I was no exception. It didn't always get the best reception from my family, and for whatever reason I remember my older brother lamenting about how much the "Crunge" was painful to listen to as we heard it in the car heading down Palos Verdes Drive West in the family vehicle toward home one time. It seems like if I am going to remember anything going that far back it will have to do with music. From that same album "Houses of the Holy" comes "The Rain Song" which is one of the softer more melodic tunes of theirs, until one of the loud concluding verses anyways, but the Rain Song has an amazing message to me even almost 30 years past the days I first listened to it. It also has beautiful chords and may be their best song. Unlike some of the music I liked as a teen that I pretty much phased out (AC/DC for example) I can still put on a Led Zeppelin tune now and then and appreciate it even in my middle age years.

Yesterday I breathed a sense of relief in knowing that as winter solstice is now officially upon us, the days will now start getting longer instead of shorter. I have checked to see there are now 9 hours and 23 minutes of daylight, in contrast to summer solstice when there are about 5 more hours of daylight. In this household we have a difference in preference as summer is my favorite time, while Victoria likes this time the most. It often seems to be adding insult to injury to a degree that the media Christmas assault is also this time of year, meaning I have to endure songs that talk about the "most wonderful time of the year" when it is actually the saddest for me, or endure stressed out traffic jams at their worst in store parking lots when I do not even participate in all of the Christmas shopping. I won't spend a whole post on it, but the idea that we are all supposed to dig deeper into our ever growing debt and spend our average 1,000 bucks or so on gifts is one that I personally just don't buy into, so while I say thanks to anyone who has sent us a holiday gift, the only holiday gift I will be sending is a copy of my personal CD when I have it available to do that.

When I was about 20 - as anyone who reads this on a semi-regular basis or knows me at all is aware of - I experienced some pretty extreme emotional states. Having lived the first 19 years of my life in a somewhat blah, repressed, melancholy and empty emotional state - it was quite a contrast. Once I had gone from my highest high to my lowest low, it was right around this time of year - 21 years ago, that the crash down hit its lowest points and I engaged in self-mutilating acts that could have been interpreted as just a little bit destructive or even life threatening. So - that is one association I have with this time of year. As we all know in this society, it is always necessary for us to throw a label or a box upon anything that we don't quite understand, and my extremes were classified as "bi-polar" and I was told to take a salty lithium pill that made me piss a lot, and other than that seemed to have no noticeable affects. If I was a true intensive full head-on bipolar, I would not be able to function in society without medication, but I have pretty strong feelings about medication - especially psychiatric - and try to avoid it when possible.

Certain emotions that have absolutely no positive value of any kind exist - and one of those is anxiety. If you suffer from that - and I know those that do - and fortunately I seem to get a more relatively mild dose of it than others - my suggestion is - yes - take something to calm down and do it quickly. If you can meditate it away that is fine, and for me Kava tea works well, but I just don't see anything positive about a sustained fear state unless it is a real life flee response to a life threatening danger - and for most of us that is not the case. Personally I don't think pills are the answer to everything. So when this time of year comes up, and I start to feel some pretty strong feelings of sadness, some suggest that I should get on medication to make it go away. After all - we aren't supposed to feel sadness, are we? We are just supposed to be "happy smiling faces" who go to work when we are told, buy presents we are told, be fun people to hang out with, say the right things, do the right things, and most importantly - think the right thoughts. The phrase "one dimensional" comes to mind here.

Well - my conclusion on this experience I have at this time of year, even though I will not call it my favorite time of year, is that it is necessary. It is like the ying and yang as spring and summer tends to be a very inspirational time of year, and if I can get through the two bad hay fever allergy months, and slap on some mosquito repellant and not be one of the West Nile Virus stats, it is a time when I can be outside in my yard, playing my guitar, enjoying the amazing outdoor air and sights that accompany it in the rural setting that I am FORTUNATE enough to live in, and I guess if I had my way, it would just stay that way all year. Technically that is my "manic" time of year, but unlike my experience of my adolescence, it is grounded in that I can still work, be myself, be respectful toward others and not a major overall nuisance, things I was not able to do when I thought it was cool to make a major nuisance of myself and antagonize others at that time in my life. But (too many "but"s I find in proof-reading this - although I do like big ones) the one thing I do share with the adolescent experience is that sense of spiritual connectedness, when life seems like a miracle and whatever forces of nature, spirit, and Goddess may or may not exist, do seem very real and inspirational to me and in my mind they are very moving. I often feel during those times like finally after all these years of suffering I am starting to get it, that happiness can be a very real state and that the world of the spirit can be lived in without a major price tag (of substances or altered states where one "can't come down") to be paid. So if summer and spring is the yin, than I guess this time of year is the yang from my perspective.

Now that I have my heavy duty Blue Max desk light - I notice I am not consumed with sadness every day. If I have rested well and spent an adequate amount of time in front of the light, I can come in here and sit down with my guitar during a winter day and almost believe it is summer. Yet (instead of the original worded "but") - there are days when that is not the case - and I notice my emotions are those of grief and sadness - where I feel like given the right opportunity and setting I could cry for a long time. I kind of feel like I am walking around with a raw open emotional wound. In the summer the family was gone for two weeks and I had a great time with one of my visiting friends (known here as Mr. L) and I didn't really miss them at all, but they were gone for less than a week at Thanksgiving and I missed them to the point where it was almost painful. I do feel more needy at this time of year, like I want to be hugged and held by any warm and welcome female who is willing to send one out to me (like it or not this responsibility falls upon my wife here) and that I could just sink into this hug for hours on end and soothe that open wound that comes out.

So what exactly is this grief about and where does it come from? There are so many places I could go with this, and although on paper I could probably write a thesis about it, the most honest answer when it comes down to it - is I don't really know. Was the way I was raised? Possibly, probably - there is some connection there - but it is like something you try to focus in on and the more you focus in on any one particular thing, the more you may be missing out on something else you never even bothered to consider. One of my earlier posts was about grieving about the loss of family connectedness. Is it just something inherited - like a cheerful or non-cheerful gene, an inherited mental illness so to speak? Well - maybe so. Or maybe it is some combination of nature and nurture. I guess after a while what it comes down to for me is that the reason itself starts to not matter so much. All that matters is here it is - now in the present - and how it got there specifically is like that elusive truth Nietzsche talks about, and once you zero in on what appears to be the answer on one level, you are just putting up blinders on another in ruling out other possible answers - and my best class I ever had taught me that all answers just consist of additional questions anyways - so to keep a truly open mind you never settle for the most convenient answer at the time that disguises itself as the truth.

All I know is this regarding my sadness - it is here - it is now - and in my experience there is a reason for it. I just have come to realize and accept that while spring, summer, and even early fall are often seasonal times of meditational joy and inspiration for the most part, that late fall and early winter are a time of grief and tears, and maybe accepting this is better than reaching for the nearest pharmaceutical remedy that treats basic emotional human feelings as an illness to be cured. The Buddhists say that an interpretation of an emotion is just as important as the emotion itself. So it is one thing to be sad, but when on top of that there is this interpretation like - Oh My God -- I am feeling sad - that is a bad thing and must be stopped immediately - - I just don't see how that helps the situation much and it can turn an initial emotion into an avalanche of force. We are naturally equipped with our emotions, and when I go where my sadness takes me instead of fighting it, on some level I realize that it is a very necessary part of human existence, even if it is not number one on the menu as a selection. I need my grief to balance me, to keep me grounded, to remember where I come from - and on some level when my grief arrives, I am thankful that it is there to keep me from going too far down the road with my joy - as that road leads to imbalance, out of control ego states, and a much harder crash in days to come - as I now know. My grief keeps me in check, lets me remember an essential part of who and what I am, and as long as those around me don't take it as a personal reflection of their actions (which unfortunately for them some do) - then there is no harm in it. It feels right on many levels. I may want to rest more - put on some Pink Floyd, sing some of the sadder Grateful Dead selections (such as the title song of this blog) or take a long walk with the dogs (you heard right - as in TWO now) in the snow. Please try to forgive me if I am not the best company this time of year - but overall - I have come to realize - sad does not equal bad. Grief and tears are a part of life - and to me the true pity lies with those consumed with such a macho state that they don't allow themselves the healing outlet of tears because it is not supposed to be manly. That to me is sad, not the natural expression of sadness itself.

As the song says and I am not going to take the time to link it - but you can do that yourself - "it's my party and I'll cry if I want to". But this one is even better:

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time for every purpose, under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

2006-12-17T19:49:00.000-08:00

Birthday party girl - most likely the last time this will happen at our home again - way too stressful - but then again we said that two years ago...

2006-12-17T19:40:00.002-08:00

Teacher and all of her adoring students

2006-12-17T19:40:00.001-08:00

3 ladies posing

2006-12-17T19:40:00.000-08:00

Group photo

2006-12-17T19:39:00.001-08:00

Married man hitting on married woman

2006-12-17T19:39:00.000-08:00

Beauty contest photo

2006-12-17T19:38:00.001-08:00

The far away view

2006-12-17T19:37:00.000-08:00

Sammy in the middle

2006-12-17T19:36:00.001-08:00

Smiling..

2006-12-17T19:36:00.000-08:00

By the festive Christmas tree

Better make a decision..

2006-12-16T03:30:00.000-08:00

Be a moron and keep your position

I don't know how many people this happens to, but sometimes I hear a song lyric I have heard 100's of times, but it all of a sudden applies in a different way for that 689th listen and I end up laughing at the irony of it - which is the case for the above referenced song lyric. In particular, what was funny - or it would be funny if it was not so pathetic anyways, was my current boss who made an attempt if you want to call it that, to talk me into staying where I presently work. I don't know if it finally sunk in that I was leaving, or if he was just following the mandatory company protocol in doing this. I hate to sound conceded here, but I carry the place where I work at this particular location, and I have always put in the extra time and effort - actually to the point of working entire weekends at past times, to reach the goals and keep our clients happy. I will not be easily replaced. Maybe my pride in doing a good job has made it a perfect situation for those in charge of me to take advantage of me - and yet I can't entirely blame them because I have been the willing slave all this time. If you are willing to constantly bend over, maybe crying rape is just assigning the blame to the raper.

I may have referenced Moose Turd Pie by Utah Philips before, a frequent Dr. Demento favorite. In a nutshell, nobody wants to be the cook so the incentive is to cook horrible food to get others to complain, and when one guy takes a moose turd and turns it into a pie, the guy who eats it says it is good anyways. I kind of see my present employment situation that way. I have put in the time and hours, the extra hours that on salary I might see as a tiny bonus, the late night call outs to truck accidents, often at the expense of my family life. And I have heard the countless promises from those in charge of me that help would be on the way, that someone would come up to take the load off my hands, that things were going to change, that they didn't want to "burn me out". I have also heard the countless cheese about how great of an asset I am, how valued I am, the praises from management - local and regional - and don't get me wrong, it is nice to be appreciated. But when you hear it on one hand, and then you hear countless broken promises on the other hand, you almost start to believe that what they are really telling you is that is nice to have such a self-sacrificing fool on our hands so we can reap the profits while you have nothing to show for it except for your undying devotion to those who continue to rape you and take advantage of you for doing that.

I know of those that work two jobs to get by. I know of some who work 100 hours a week non stop just to make ends meet, or work countless hours in the fields slaving away, up to 14 hours a day. So in comparison, I could make the argument that I was lucky to have a job at all, a job that provided for me and my family, gave us an ability to have a home, food, water, the amenities of modern society that none of us should take for granted. So on one level I could not complain - I mean - it could always be worse. Yet at the same time, if someone is willing to pay you a good 20% more for doing a job that is not as demanding - or at least is realistically demanding (or so I am led to believe) and they appear to be reflecting the "market value" (the first company I talked to was apparently going to pay me the same amount) - which now leads me to believe I am 20% underpaid for the going market value - wouldn't you be a complete "moron" like the song says, to not take the offer? Well - of course you would - which is why it took me about a fraction of a nano-second to say yes when the offer was made to me.

I had tried complaining to my boss about a year and a half ago when I thought he was really pushing the line by assigning me auto appraisals after I was literally buried in snow claims from the worst winter here of close to 100 years. So on April 14, 2005 after a sleepless night I sent him this e-mail:

"I did not sleep last night - that is how worked up I got over seeing auto appraisals on my screen that I was never told about. I feel dis-respected. I feel like the meeting I had with you might as well have never happened. I hate to do something extreme - like talk about resigning, because I do value this job,but like I told you during our meeting, if I don't feel like I am on the same page with you - I don't want to work in a job that is going to be that stressful to me - because it just is not worth it. I am not resigning - yet - but I am making it clear, if this does not change my future at this company will be limited and I will be considering my options elsewhere. I don't want to be an auto appraiser as long as I have 50 hours a week of property to keep me busy. You initially said you would check with me on autos, that did not happen. You said I would get one a week, I just got 4 - one of them is a whole wasted day in (long distance location). I just turned in record numbers for you, and I feel like I am being punished for my good work. You also told me to be more like (another employee). If I am this busy with property, than I don't even know if I can turn in the quality he did with autos. I will get to the autos - when I can - even though as you pointed out yesterday I am way behind still on my futurity. The property work is still coming in. I am feeling very stressed and overwhelmed right now. I do not want to work in a 2 person office and carry the load forever. Life is too short for that. I need help and I need it now. Thanks."

I was not in a position to really negotiate as I had nothing lined up at the time - so after placating me with a person sent up for a couple days to help, he later took the John Wayne approach and said I was "hijacking" him and told me in essence that I had to do what I was paid to do, and if not he would find someone else who would. He had to show he was the man in charge, and as I was not in a position to do anything else at that time, I bowed down and did as I was asked. I read a section of a Carlos Castaneda book about the "petty tyrant" and just figured it was better to accept demands instead of winning a fight I could not win then. Yet - I think in making my intentions clear, he was "on notice" anyways of what I wanted to do. He just figured if I had such a low amount of self esteem to do everything he asked of me, I wasn't going anywhere. He figured he had me - so it stayed that way up until now - when I think I completely shocked him by telling him I was leaving. At that point, it was almost like the game was up and all the bullshit he had been flinging at me was no longer going to work.

So now we are having a cheese contest. I am telling him how much of a great guy he was to work for and I wish I could stay, but I have to do what I have to do. None of this is being brought up and I highly doubt they have a link to this - but even if they do - well then so what. So the last time he asked me to call him on Tuesday, he gave me that one last pitch to take another bite out of that moose turd pie - only this time he was going to dress it up and maybe call it a moose turd souflet on a croissant role. When I talked to him, there was no mention of finances. I had just gotten a whopping 3% raise right at the time Sara was having all of her costly medical problems. His argument to me was that I had about 4 1/2 weeks of vacation time I was going to lose out on. True - I have only 2 at my next job. Considering though - that a vacation day is more just a day in the week to not set appointments - that the workload does not let up and I am the only schlepp up here in this area to do the work asked - than in reality, you take that day off during the week and you end up working it on the weekend and it is not a vacation day at all. That is why the company raised the vacation from 3 to 4 weeks for senior staff like me - hell - they could give us 8 weeks - it is a free benefit to them, because you are still expected to carry the load and be punished if you don't - either that or in an office setting they would just dump your work on someone else. It is like a piece of hollow cheese, in that it sounds great on paper, but no substance is there when you try to bite into it.

The other benefit he mentioned was the 5% of salary 401K contribution - not bad, but not nowhere as good as the 2/3 of salary pension plan that was yanked from us about midway through my stay with them. And at the new place there will be a pension plan in an age when that is a rarity. So again, what sounds better - a pension plan or a cheap ass 401K contribution. Were these arguments really supposed to sway me, or was it that I had gobbled up so much bullshit during my stay that it was just assumed this would fly too. Again - almost laughable if not so pathetic.

So it was my turn to go one up on bullshit, saying I loved working for the guy - hell I would even work for him over there if I could, that I could end up working for him again - you just never know - but it was my calling to give it a shot. Heck we had our past issues, but that happens with everyone - nothing personal. He said he would love to take me back if I ever need a job with him again (probably another lie, but sounds good) and it was a nice cheesy conversation but the reality is, if I have to go back there again - that notion alone is going to motivate me to do everything humanly possible to succeed at my new place. Sure - 3 week catastrophe shifts out of state are going to suck, but that is a sacrifice I can deal with. From the looks of things, it looks like this job is going to be a place where maybe I can find some dignity in my job, and get the compensation I deserve in the process. It is not going to make me rich by any stretch, but maybe a few more pennies might make me go from a drowning position to barely having my head over water. I just got the letter officially in writing from them outlining my position and pay, and 3 weeks from tomorrow I fly out to the city of lost wages to start training. I have to admit, even with the daylight as low as it is now, it does seem like a new hope for me to start somewhere new. I have always loved my job - driving around - meeting people - seeing the countryside, but it would be real nice to do it in a setting where some basic respect and courtesy is given instead of demeaning lies, false promises and bullshit - and I am not expecting a conflict free situation, but if it is what it appears to be - maybe - just maybe - I can work in a better environment and make the most of the job that I love to do. Maybe all the self-respect I have been preaching to myself in my songs is being reflected in my outside environment like a mirror - since I do believe we create our own reality based on what is inside of us. If anything, I can't see how it could be any worse - as the Beatles song says:

Got to admit it's getting better
A little better, all the time
It can't get no worse

We used to play for silver

2006-12-09T05:59:00.001-08:00

now we play for life kind of sums up my feelings on my personal music. First of all, I have never tried to play my music for money, or do anything artistic for money. In some ways work is an art and my job as an insurance adjuster can be an art in itself, especially when I am preparing home layouts, but on a more literal level - my art of singing and writing will never be monetary. I don't know if I am good enough from a commercial point of view to make it out there with the effort I have put into it. I am a good amateur, but I still make mistakes and don't have a problem with playing an out of tune note or wrong note, or singing a note out of key. My voice is strong after singing for most of my life, and I like it, but maybe not for everyone. But on another level of interpreting this line, lately my own writings have evolved to the song selection I have included on my latest recording, which will soon be available for reproduction and mass distribution for anyone who may be interested.

My very first song effort "New York City is a Great Big Pile of Shit" came 25 years ago and expresses my natural dislike of big cities. Although it expresses the dislike well and was good for some laughs, I have not sung it in many years though the words are written down in a book somewhere. Along the lines of my compositions over the last 20 years, I have written some stuff that I know would get a laugh upon listening - from all of the Christmas hating songs, to songs mocking Jew bashers, my dislike of RVs, a song portraying a simulated male love affair - and I even laugh upon listening to some of my recordings of these songs. The thing is now - they just don't suit my purposes much and are not played much at all when I am alone. My emotional experiences are captured in songs about sexual frustration, rage, sadness, fear of death, and anxiety that simulate those feelings pretty well and also can get a strong reaction. But what I am getting at now is that lately I am focusing on a song with only my own reaction in mind. If you like it - great - but if not - well - I am the first person in mind I had when I wrote it, so the song was presented as a kind of healing medicine that I know I needed to hear, and knowing myself at least as well as anyone else does, I have figured out what I need to hear. All of the songs on my last recording fit that category (with the exception of a filler one at the end) so for me this is kind of like a personal greatest hits.

One of my first efforts at trying to heal myself is not on this recording - it could have been - but it just did not make the final cut of the 12 songs that did. It is called Reaching for the Sky and I may have posted it once on the blog here. Audioblogger is now out - the way I was posting stuff before - and I haven't figured out the new way of posting songs - so that is why songs are not popping up here any more. But in essence - this song was my own way of trying to talk myself out of suicide, since suicide seemed like a great idea at the time I wrote it. When I was in the worst of my depressive states, the only thing that would really help me was walking up to the top of the hill and watching the dreamy orange clouds of sunset. I wanted to fall into those clouds, just melt into them and get away from my hopeless state of mind and circumstances that were perceived as hopeless. So even though I was pretty miserable than, I think that song tried to draw upon those images as inspiration to go on living - hence the line "it's only because I'm singing this song that I gotta keep going on". And if the question is asked did it work - 21 years later - it must have, because I am still here.

One of the songs on there is a re-tread but one of my favorite inspirational songs from 1987 I simply call Faith - with the main line being "I believe in me". The only way I could have written that song was to survive a completely consuming mind blowing psychic assault/experience which was just what happened when I made the mistake (or maybe not in the long run) of taking an unquantified amount of LSD in an Irvine Grateful Dead concert parking lot in 1987. I lost all control to the point that I have a misdemeanor on my record for Drunk in Public - one that even now I find myself disclosing since criminal background checks are done and I don't want to hide anything. The last employer was not concerned about it, but as thorough as a background check can be - I wanted them to know. Chances are it is off my record anyways, but I was told a real solid check can turn up everything. Thanks to my folks for being such good sports about coming to get me at the hospital in the middle of the night. But the technical aspects of that experience aside, from my own point of view it was a turning point - because I died that night. I died, was entering the afterlife with no turning back, was the Christ like sacrificial lamb for the entire world to allow their happines, was whisked off in a space ship to never ever land, had the entire set of insecure thoughts of my psyche broadcast on a loudspeaker for the world to hear in a wimpy sorry ass voice, was the last person in the entire universe to not figure out the cosmic equation of existence - every one of my insecurities was magnified and placed on a platter for all to see. It was an experience I will never forget - probably the most intense I have ever had. So - surviving that - I figured if I could (and apparently some go there and never come back so to speak) it actually gave me a strange sense of confidence - like if I can get through that, maybe I can get through anything. So that inspired the Faith song.

That is the last of the 12 songs on my recording. This may be a little boring for those not interested in my music, but for those who hear it these are kind of the liner notes. I intend to send a copy to my older brother and my parents. John will record it for me, and Mr. L can expect one. Anyone else - write me with your address and I will get it to you. There is nothing offensive on it - no 4 letter words - although it is very expressive, so I guess if you want to find offense in something you can, but most likely will not. Unlike some of my Zappa inspired writings, it is completely rated G. Most if not all of the songs have been broadcast here at one point or another, but these are better versions. I have used only two of the four tracks, not only because time was limited on Thanksgiving weekend to squeeze out some tracks after painting all day every day, but also because I think it has a more natural sound for me. Although the "bass" imitation is pretty fun - and the filler song from 2002 has it - overall the two tracks for harmonizing vocals, and then playing a lead line over a rhythm line, are a more honest photo of how I really sound when I am just playing alone - although that is clearly one track when that happens. If it sounds thrown together - it was - and if a mistake or out of tune note did not completely destroy the song attempt, I just left it in there. I have played it back a few times and I am pretty happy with it.

Now as far as the songs themselves, as stated before, Today was inspired by "What to say when you Talk to yourself" - and although I really love the idea of this book, I think in some ways it just coincidentally captures what I have been doing all along with my songs without knowing it. The point of a lot of my songs is to try to present an ideal way of living life - knowing that in reality I am not actually doing that - but the song is something to strive for. So if I freak out and hate myself for fucking up when I do something wrong, the song will try to present something to the contrary as in "Today I'm thinking in a loving way, I'm allowed to make mistakes, and then react without self-hate". It is trying to counter my natural self hating instinct before the fact so that when the inevitable mistake does arrive, the natural programmed instinctive self hating reaction is changed. And yes - I really think this can work. I am pretty certain that after years of singing this type of message it has had an effect on my attitude. Hell - I may be wrong, but it looks like I am heading for a job where the company actually has resepect for those working for them. In some ways it is a strange concept as I am used to working for a place where I am treated like shit, but as I evolve in my own view of myself, maybe I am ready for that now. Back to the song though - in some ways it serves a lyrical overture as many of the ideas there are expressed again in the following songs. I deliberately wrote "Today" as an answer to an exercise in the book where we are asked to write our own "self-talk". The book says a recording is the best way of re-inforcing, and taking it to the next level, music is an even better form of re-inforcement.

Moving right along "Happiness Meditation" from one year ago - was my backyard's incredible atmosphere for playing music - allowing the stage for a way of talking one's self out of a depressed state of mind. Now I know that if you are really down and out to the point of needing medication - you need to take the medication, but on a more limited level I think this can work. The whole point of this song is take a look at the mountains, blowing wind, rain coming down from the heavens and look at it as a kind of healing mother earth Goddess force (my Pagan reference there) and use that as an inspiration to draw upon happiness and send the sad feeling away.

"I can only be who I am" is just that - learning to accept one's self for what it is, flaws and all - and seeing that there may be those out there who may appear to have it better - have more money, pleasure, status, sex, whatever - but that you in fact are living your own life, not theirs - and it is one's task to completely accept and love the God-given (or Gods in the song - another Pagan tribute) life that you are presented with, and to realize that your "flaws" are your blessings, and there is nothing wrong with having an imperfect life - the key point of the song being "my life is accepted just the way that it is". (How's that for a run-on sentence).

"Control" was recently inspired by my laptop crashing on me a lot - getting that perpetual "blue screen of death" that always freaks me out. We rely on these things for everything and when they stop working it feels like everything is coming to an end. Having the neurotic need for control that many of us do, the point of that song is to "surrendur to the flow" (actually a Phish line, not from the song) and realize that even when everything is falling apart, that it is temporary and that things will work themselves out at their own given time. Everything from not knowing when our dying day will come to having to be a "Slave to the Traffic Light" (another Phish line) brings home the fact that as much as we want to be in control, we really aren't and the best form of peace is to throw your sails in the directions of the wind and let them go where they are going to take you - kind of a Taoist approach.

The next four songs are a family of songs dealing with my relationship with the female force, and are heavily influenced by Jung's anima concept. The first one being a tribute to my real life wife, and realizing that even after 10 years of living with her and seeing all aspects of her personality, some more pleasant than others, that it is a real blessing to have someone stick it out with you for that long, and more than anything to never take this for granted and see it as a miracle, a miracle that will not be around forever. "Medicine Woman" seemed like an appropriate line, as she has come from a background of Mexican healers, and her presence in my life has had a healing and inspiring affect on me. The remaining three are more of a tribute to the projected, imagined "anima" inner female within, with the first being a way of accessing that force when a real life female (my girlfriend at the time I was breaking up with) is departing, the next listing a set of all women I have had serious crushes on and turning them all into one imagined being, and the final being a way to summon up this force when in reality nobody seems to be there to be able to come through with that - turning within, when the forces on the outside appear to be turning against.

"Take Me Away" comes from 1989 when I was in between jobs and looking for a way to inspire myself when job searching seemed somewhat depressing and hopeless. "The Center" is my tribute to Buddhism and not gettting too caught up in one state of mind. "Embrace Yourself" is my way of telling myself it is time after so many years of self hate to "pull the gun from your head" and realize that I really can love myself. For some reason the vibe clicked that muscially I think the solo there came off better than anywhere else. It then ends with the "Faith" song I already mentioned.

So - for any of you that end up listening to this, in a nut shell you kind of see where I am at and what inspired me to write these songs. 9 of the 12 on here are from within the last couple years, and to me that tells me from my own artistic point of view that I am really starting to tune in to myself spiritually and psychologically and give myself the medicine to inspire myself to get the most out of my life and every day. I have decided to call this recording Self-Help On the way.

Well I got no chance of losing

2006-12-02T14:50:00.000-08:00

this time

This is a continuation of a post I did back in August - a post that referenced a new job being like a woman that a male pursues - often elusively and unsuccessfully, as was the case at that time. I was in love, I wanted her too much - maybe she sensed it - maybe she was just stringing me along and it didn't make a difference one way or another - but as the story goes, I was rejected - and after what has now happened - maybe it was for the best. You see - I wasn't ready for her - I did want her too much - and maybe if I had gotten what I was looking for, I would have lost my head and ended up in a mental ASSylum or another shrink's office.

So - this time around - when another "woman" appeared as a prospect - I was very cautious, very suspicious, very non-chalant. I didn't believe it, even when it technically looked promising because there were already scalding burn marks on my ass that made it somewhat painful to sit down. So even when she was going to impress me with a wine and dine all expenses trip to Colorado, I still thought - yeah right, I will believe it when I see it. Maybe it is the time of year when my seasonal depression takes over, when it really is hard to get excited about much of anything.

So as the story goes, I found myself in Denver on Wednesday night, like an outlaw on the run from the mean old lady who has fronted my paycheck for the last 18 years, sneaking behind her back to check out the latest temptation. As I tend to freak out about just anything I can, I neurotically checked weather.com to realize that a massive snow front was coming in, and the idea of driving 35 miles on a dark road (E470 - now a toll road) at night to my hotel was a little intimidating, so I checked every day to find what appeared to be a little flurry building up to a "heavy snow" front, and questioning my timing of the whole thing - but knowing I had to do it, I braved it out there. Luckily, no pressing calls came up from work as I technically did not have the day off until Thursday and the delayed flight left at 2:25 that Wednesday. My low sleep that week kept me pretty tired, so that I slept twice on the plane, to find out that the storm had socked it to Denver but left town that afternoon. Upon arriving, I did find it left plenty of snow and ice on the road, ice that almost sent my flying onto my face in the Hertz parking lot, searching for the elusive car that did not really exist in the stall they said it did, so that while doing the Denver ice walk shuffle to avoid another fall, caring a heavy old suitcase with wheels too low to be effective, and a guitar and briefcase in the other hand, I seriously wondered what the hell I was doing there. I just kept hoping during the 3/4 hour or so drive back to the hotel I would not have to find out what insurance coverage would cover a banged up Ford Taurus from a snow spinout. (I only had one wrong turn of the airport that left me cursing since I didn't quite get that right turn the Hertz lady told me about after she closed my open car trunk at the gate out - so much snow and ice out there I didn't even see or know it was open). But the familiar sounds of Spearhead (see my lighter post a few down) kept me company, particularly a line about "even though I'm far from home I'm not alone" and somehow I miraculously made it to the Courtyard without a spinout or crash. Driving like a little old lady terrified of the ice probably helped me there.

So I got in, ate a salad a little too spicy for my liking downstairs, had enough energy to muster out my "Today" song staring out to the snow filled lot from my 4th floor room - and then was tired enough to sleep in two hour increments throughout the night. On the plane and in the bed I was so damn tired I didn't even care about the interview, I just wanted to sleep and get the hell back home. Had a little swim in the morning at the hotel pool, probably big enough to fit two versions of Shaq lying head to head, had a frantic attempt to iron out my suitcase wrinkled suit, and then with ice and snow all over the windshield and parking lot, stumbled out from the hotel and made it to my destination right at the nick of time, doing the snow shuffle through the lot in another attempt to not show up there with ice and snow smeared all over my suit after falling.

And when I got there in the waiting room, I realized something. At my last interview "date" my heart was pounding like an engine in the lobby waiting, but at this one - I really just didn't care. I was in the perfect take it or leave it state of mind, because I was too tired to care. I just thought - let the chips fall where they may - I don't have any energy left to care. And though the interview was done in a pretty nice way, it ended with the same old "we'll let you know in two weeks or more" the way the last one had and I thought - I KNEW IT - I got the boot again! I just thought once you hear that line at the end of an interview, it is the kiss of death - because if they really want you - they will let you know sooner.

So - a little diversion from the story later - after ending up at the airport, I was very surprised to hear not 5 hours later that yes - they did indeed want me to work there - the price was right - and two days later, it is still hard for me to now believe it - but as of January 8 - I will no longer be working with my employer of 18 years, and will be starting anew with what appears to be a much more stable and respectable employer. Maybe it just means I can't trust my own intuition, and if I believe it is going down I am my own worst anticipating enemy, but once I stop caring and to a certain degree trying, that is the right frame of mind to let the Tao work itself out and really make it happen. It worked this time. So I guess I needed my ass to be burned the first time around to be ready for acceptance during the second go round. I broke the news to my present company, and although the boss was taken aback on one level, I don't think he was entirely shocked on another - I agreed to give him the time he needed to try to find someone else - after all - they have paid my way for the last 18 years and even if it had pretty much gone south as of late, I didn't want to leave on bad terms. Who knows - I may need to come crawling back like a dog with its tail between its legs if I can't make it here, although I really have a hard time believing that. I know I can do it - I will do whatever it takes to make this work and damn it - I will!

Somehow setting a thought process in motion - with the right will and determination behind, seems to make it happen - in a way I can't explain. I just believe that - just like I believed when I had it out with my boss last April that even after caving in to his demands, I knew that when I "sent it out the universe" and put it out in writing to him that I would be looking elsewhere if I wasn't respected, that the power of my word would make it happen, someway, somehow, in a way I can't even really understand myself. I did the same with a girlfriend from hell before I met my wife - told her if I didn't get what I wanted from her, I would find it somewhere else - and sure enough I met Victoria five months later, and when my ex then tried to come back a year later - sorry babe - too late - you're "out of time" like the Stones song says. I don't know how I do this, but there is a power to one's word and maybe because I live and die by my words, in writing these writings and my songs (new CD will be on the way soon once I arrange the final tracks and ship it off to my Montana buddy) there is some mysterious crazy way that I summon up the forces of the universe and make it happen. Or - maybe one big synchronistic coincidence, but what fun is that to see it that way? I like the mystic approach better.

So the moral of the story for me here - is once you lose your head over something, the battle is already lost - but when you keep it in place, you have a fighting chance. How you go into it is a lot more important than the end result itself, and coveting the prize before you get it is on par with pre-mature ejaculation. Maybe what I mean with one of my writings when I wrote:

I know it's not so much if it happens, more important how.

2006-11-25T20:08:00.000-08:00

I have spent most of the weekend painting my daughter's room

2006-11-25T20:07:00.000-08:00

Entrance

Giving thanks on Thanksgiving

2006-11-23T09:21:00.000-08:00

Today is Thanksgiving - and it is a time to be thankful. It does not matter if you believe in God, the Goddess, logic, science, the great cosmic coincidence of life itself, or nothing at all - the reality is all of us here are alive and breathing and that is reason alone to be thankful. This is a time of year when some in our extended families have either passed on or may be about to pass on. Death touches us all in one way or another, and nobody really knows what follows after life. Some may believe we live on, some may not - but either way - it makes us appreciate one thing - that we are alive today, and that life itself is the greatest gift that we have to be thankful for. We wake up every today often taking for granted the basic essentials that many in the world are not fortunate enough as us to have - food, running water, electricity, a working bathroom, a roof over our heads, warmth when it is cold, refuge from the sun when it is hot, protection from the wind, our health, and most importantly - loved ones around us.

This day originated almost 400 years ago in 1621 when the pilgrims who came to America from Europe gave thanks for a bountiful harvest. Let us take the time today before we have our feast to remember that everything we may take for granted is a gift, a gift that we should be thankful for while we are here to appreciate everything we are blessed to have.

Light up ya lighter

2006-11-16T11:10:00.000-08:00

I checked out a Michael Franti CD from the Carson City library in the reggae section and was completely blown away. These lyrics echo my feelings on the war:

(Listen to it at this link to My Space)

Armageddon is a deadly day, Armageddon is a deadly way
They commin for you everyday, While Senators on holiday

The Army recruiters in the parking lot, Hustling kids there jugglin pot
Listen young man, Listen to my plan , Gonna make you money, gonna make you a man

Bom Bom

Here’s what you get, An M-16 and a Kevlar vest
You might come home with one less leg, But this thing will surely keep a bullet out of your chest

So Come on Come on, Sign up, Come on
This one’s nothing like Vietnam
Except for the bullets, Except for the bombs,
Except for the youth that’s gone

Chorus
So we keep it on, til ya coming home, Higher and Higher
Fire, fire, fire, light up ya lighter, fire fire fire, so we keep it on
Til ya commin home, higher and higher
Fire, fire, fire, light up ya lighter, fire fire fire

Tell me President tell if you will,
How many people does a smart bomb kill
How many of em do you think we got,
The General says we never miss a shot
And we never ever ever keep a body count,
we killin so efficiently we can’t keep count
In the Afghan hills the rebels still fightin,
Opium fields keep providin
The best heroin that money can buy
and nobody knows where Osama bin hidin
The press conferences keep on lyin like we don’t know

Some say engine engine number nine,
Machine guns on a New York transit line
The war for oil is a war for the beast,
the war on terror is a war on peace
Tellin you they’re gonna protect you,
Tellin you that they support the troops
Don’t let them fool you with their milk and honey,
No they only want your money
One step forward and two steps back,
Why do veterans get no respect
PTSD and a broken back,
Take a look at where your moneys gone seen
Take a look at what they spend it on
No excuses, No illusions

Keep it greasy so it..

2006-11-12T21:13:00.000-08:00

go down easy

How do I follow my last emotional gut wrenching post that probably upset more than a few people who may have read it, and it was quite upsetting to write it from the author’s point of view as well. Where do you go from there – well – hopefully – that subject is dead for a while – it was like resurrecting ghosts and then realizing that even the ghost of the ghost is dead. Maybe I need an island to bury the bones so to speak, but hopefully that subject does not keep coming up because all it does is get me depressed.

So now for something completely different – a discussion on birth control – but from a male point of view. Some background here – Victoria’s ex-boyfriend who is now part of the wanna-be husband list – there are always at least one or two out there – his mother who apparently has some psychic abilities very matter of factly told her during the last trip to Chicago that she would be pregnant soon – this was after some kind of voodoo cleansing ritual that involved cigar smoke and chanting, leaving my wife in a somewhat trance like peaceful (ch)easy feeling. There was also a statement that she was wearing black (when she wasn't), and now that her Dad is almost gone, that prediction seems to already be true. So – from my point of view – I am the sole contributor of sperm these days. (The future is always subject to change for both of us, but for now we are monogamous. We have already discussed the notion of polygamy – not technical polygamy – being married to more than one, but the idea of living with two partners who would provide sex – sounds like a great idea except I haven’t found any willing takers yet as partner number 2, and the one we considered for the plan initially was just too far emotionally gone for consideration). So that put forward the question that we discussed with the Schrantz clan locally a while back – what is the best way to prevent unwanted psychic pregnancy predictions from taking place. After all – as presented in our discussion – that one little drop of “pre-cum” can pack a sperm carrying pistol and do the unwanted job, as carefull and sklled at “pull out” as one might be. One child is far more than enough for us, and with Victoria slowly creeping up on menopause, it just does not sound all that practical either. So – we have both agreed as a result of this psychic warning to dig up the old portable one use raincoats for birth control – also known as the condom. The idea of a vasectomy makes me sick, and all other forms are just too complicated for now.

So though I approach this somewhat sensitive subject from a personal point of view, it also has worldwide applications. After all – the two purposes of a condom are birth control and prevention of STD’s such as Herpes (not always effective with that one from what I hear), HIV, gonorrhea, Chlamydia, syphilis – all intruders that many would prefer not to know on a part time or permanent basis. Monogamy provides some assurance that those unwanted friends may not come around – as if both people are only with the other, then they aren’t coming around – but who is to know how long a monogamous situation will ever last, no matter how good it looks. Maybe some day we will have a mutual parting of the ways, or one us will decide a need to explore relations with another, and it is better to be prepared for that possibility.

One of my friends in San Diego, that some of us know as “the captain” told me that he just didn’t see the point of wearing a condom, since the intimacy of the contact of the two sex organs is taken away when that intrusive raincoat is slapped on top of the male candidate in the same way that a hood is placed upon a prisoner about to be noosed (that was my analogy, not his). I can kind of see the argument there – the sensitivity of the experience is much more magnified when “naked” so to speak. For the last 7 or 8 years, I have been experiencing this magnification of sensation, (as often as I possibly can) but there is a trade off in that there is that nagging notion that once the end of the story arrives, there has to be a massive urgent escape from the chamber of pleasure to prevent an unwanted pregnancy. For those who don’t even pull out, it is like playing Russian Roulette and with strangers involved, there is that added risk of disease.

So anyways, lately after becoming re-acquainted with the portable one use rain coat, I have discovered it does have its benefits. Yes – the sensation is minimzed, but because of that there is the endurance factor – you last longer. Some people take crystal meth for endurance, but no need for that when the umbrella is in the medicine cabinets. Also, even if the “intimacy” factor is lowered because there is no direct contact, there is the emotional part of the experience where two people are close to each other and the closeness on other levels can take the place of one area of imposed distance. Finally, to get technical and a little graphic, I find that since it takes longer to get there, by the time you finally arrive at your destination, the orgasm itself is a lot more intense and there is no nagging notion of having to pull out – you can just enjoy the moment stress free knowing that Mr. Prophylactic is doing his job in creating that anxiety free moment that all is well.

Sure there is some extra effort involved. Without a little bit of the tools to “keep it greasy so it go down easy” there is the dryness factor. It does take more work to get to the destination, and almost a leap of faith that you will arrive there, and no guarantee that you will even get there to begin with. The possibility of going down with the deflated ship increases. I can see why some will argue that they are a hassle and inconvenience. But I believe it is worth the effort, that especially for those who engage at an early age (the abstinence bullshit is so far against human nature that it just invites childhood pregnancy) it is an imperative and that for those who get started young (not me unfortunately), it is the way to go. So the moral of the story is slap one on – you won’t regret it!

Bollywood Restaurant, Carson City, Nevada

2006-11-06T06:30:00.000-08:00

If anyone ever saw a scene from Spinal Tap where there is supposed to be a record signing but instead of a large crowd at the store there is just the group alone in a corner with one of them obnoxiously and loudly blowing his nose - the event last night was like that - we had a "free meal" in place of Victoria promoting a dinner dance event, but despite her frantic effortss, we were about the only ones who showed up and the owner seemed a little pissed off at her as a result - still - one of the best lamb dishes I have ever had in my life

2006-11-06T06:29:00.002-08:00

Get up and boogie

2006-11-06T06:29:00.001-08:00

Boogie fever

2006-11-06T06:29:00.000-08:00

Dance the night away

2006-11-05T12:48:00.000-08:00

Who's on third

Dia de los Muertos - The Day of the Dead

2006-11-04T20:00:00.000-08:00

Carson City - Nevada State Museum

2006-11-04T19:59:00.002-08:00

Thinking of past ancestors

2006-11-04T19:59:00.001-08:00

Zoom out

2006-11-04T19:59:00.000-08:00

Artist in concentration

2006-11-04T19:58:00.002-08:00

Stop taking my picture

2006-11-04T19:58:00.001-08:00

I did it all by myself

2006-11-04T19:58:00.000-08:00

Look at me paint

2006-11-04T19:57:00.000-08:00

Posing before a shrine with bulging eyes

2006-10-31T21:43:00.001-08:00

Hey now!

2006-10-31T21:43:00.000-08:00

Looks like she just saw a ghost

2006-10-31T21:42:00.002-08:00

I'm the gypsy

2006-10-31T21:42:00.001-08:00

The Spider Lady

2006-10-31T21:42:00.000-08:00

Another one with Frankenstein

2006-10-31T21:41:00.001-08:00

Are you a good witch?

2006-10-31T21:41:00.000-08:00

Which one is Freddie?

2006-10-31T21:40:00.001-08:00

Love those fangs

2006-10-31T21:40:00.000-08:00

Just like Frankenstein

2006-10-31T21:39:00.000-08:00

Captivating Piper's Opera House with her real life ghost stories

2006-10-31T21:36:00.000-08:00

Someone looks pretty grumpy

2006-10-31T21:35:00.000-08:00

Piper's Opera House stage for Halloween

2006-10-28T18:27:00.000-07:00

The newest goat skinned member of the family

2006-10-28T07:53:00.001-07:00

Smiles at the drum circle

2006-10-28T07:53:00.000-07:00

She can drum

2006-10-28T07:52:00.000-07:00

At "All Things Mystickal" in Carson City

Thought I heard a young man mourn today

2006-10-28T06:33:00.000-07:00

I guess it doesn't matter anyways

This is an appropriate time for me to post something somewhat bleak as we are now one day away from Daylight Savings time, and slowly approaching the saddest time of the year for me. Autumn always seems to represent grief and loss for me, so a title thread with the word "mourn" in it is the winner this week. Anyone who ever saw Jerry Garcia sing this song (author listed as Bonnie Dobson) live knows how much raw grief and emotion came out of this voice when he did. And the subject of loss and grief here is going to revolve around the family I was born into, so here is the warning right now to not go any further if you want to stick with pleasant topics. My older brother recently asked me how I come up with these ideas when I write them. In this case - it has been a haunting of my own, but not the cheesy haunted house, ghost, vampire, or monster you may be seeing out this time of year around town - this is a real emotional haunting that has been a part of me for my life. In thinking about this subject ahead of time for the last week, I have woken up in the middle of the night and had trouble sleeping pondering this. Some very tired next days have been the result of what I am about to write. There may be other characters involved in the haunting, but this is not about pointing the finger. I have tried that before, but my final conclusion is that it really isn't anyone's fault when it comes down to it - or it's everyone's fault - but it can't come down to one person.

It starts with an informative web link to an article labeled Understanding Latino Culture that I came across while assisting Victoria in research for a paper she has in her local Anthropology class. It is hard for me to read this article from start to finish, but there is one thing that stands out very clearly to me - just about everything in here is a sharp contrast to my experience of my family during my childhood. Compared to the closeness and bonding described in this article, my family was a family in name only - because all of the actions and attitudes I know of are about as far from this article as anyone could possibly imagine.

I believe that both of my parents are broken people, haunted by pasts of their own. My father grew up in poverty and lost his parents early on, and he never really recovered from it. He was motivated to change his class status and have the material means to provide for us all, but emotionally, there was nothing left for him to give us. I don't remember any real involvement until I went into my depression, and at that point he attempted to make up for lost time. He was there physically - he took us on trips, did toss a baseball around from time to time, and he could be an incredibly charming and charismatic person when he was in the mood, but overall there was an unreachable wall around him - not something he could control, but was there nevertheless. My mother, who was drawn to his angry and removed personality - seemed to marry her own father through him, and with that in mind - I am sure it was not easy growing up in her house either. Her own father from what I know was subject to fits of rage and his own madness ultimately consumed him. Asked if I would want to trade places with my father, no - I would not - but at the same time, if my main ambition at the age of 20 was to find a way to end my life, I would surmise that somehow or another, despite the difference in material means, that emptiness and darkness he experienced got transferred down to me. I wasn't there when they were raised and this is all second hand, but the main point I am getting at here is two broken people trying to build a family is like a construction worker trying to build a house with broken bricks - if the material is not there, even if the effort is - it is bound to fall apart - and from my experience, that is exactly what happened. So saying it is their fault is too simple, it goes back generations upon generations of unfortunate events.

With that in mind though, family values were given lip service only. We were constantly reminded of the other's shortcomings when the other person was not around to speak for his or herself. Talking behind the other's back was common, especially with the parents doing this - as if in some ways, the line between the parents and the children was never really established - as some would say this is pretty childish. We were taught to mistrust the other, and to this day, have received constant reminders of the pending bloodbath that will occur once they pass on, as we will be clawing, kicking, and scratching for every last inherited possession of theirs. Our actions and decisions were always questioned and doubted. So is it any wonder that none of us are close, that my younger brother can only experience a brother through his in law and not his real life brothers, that all of us have looked to something outside of our family to fill the void that our real life family presented? It might seem crazy to some that I post these writings so openly, but if not for that nobody in my family would have any idea who I am and what I think. This is the way I reach the family members that read this - and it is pretty sad that this is the only way I can - but something is better than nothing.

Although we are a "dysfunctional" family, that alone cannot provide an explanation for our distance. In my wife's family, the head of household was a chronic drinker prone to fits of violence, and the police were called out on a regular basis. The mother was constantly depressed and overwhelmed - but yet in spite of all this, there is a real sense of family there that is not present in our dysfunctional family. I am sure that it is clear to our daughter Sara that there is a difference, in that the family members on her side will make an effort to stay present in her life even when she is away, but in our family - out of sight, out of mind - once she says goodbye to them, she will never see or hear from them again, absent a holiday card or present. There just really is no sense of family with us as there is with my wife's side, and the differences are very clear.

From my point of view, I always wanted this to be different, but after years of trying to reach out to everyone, I finally realized I was going against a wall. You can't make people be close who just don't want to be. I realize that part of the blame lies within as well and it is not fair to be blaming everyone else. I am a part of this too, and yet it seems clearly beyond me. For whatever reason that I can never really know or understand, I will never really know just about anyone in my family. I am closer to my older brother and his wife, and can have more direct and genuine communication there than anywhere else. As for my remaining siblings, there is a hell of an act that requires a strong effort to maintain while I am present, but once I am gone, it is like I was never there to begin with.

There is a section on the role of the grandparents in the paper. The grandparents on our side have one ambition - and it is to get as far away from their grandchildren and travel the four corners of the Earth. They worked hard for what they have, it is their choice, and what they want. Their travels have come as first priority to the point of being away from the birth of some of their grandchildren. At one of the Bar Mitzvahs, I was put in a somewhat awkward position of having to explain to the other side of the family why they were not there for that either and I know technically they can turn all this around and blame circumstances and changes of plans, but the reality is - priorities are priorities, and travel has been number one for them, and how dare anyone question it. They waited a month to even see my daughter, even though they were two hours away, and the first visit in a month was a quick drop by on the way to a play. Compare and contrast this to one local friend of ours, where the mother came down from Seattle to stay with them for a long period of time for the birth of that child. But again - I can't criticize them - they do the best they can and offer what they can, unfortunately, they are so broken they have nothing to offer except for a re-count of their travels and the constant reminder of the estate they will leave behind. My father once questioned why some were not present at the 50th anniversary gathering, and my question in response was why would they want to be there - his answer with a grin was "dollars, lots of dollars". If that is all you have to offer someone, in my mind that is the definition of a tragedy. They lived in the same town as my older brother when he had his children, but made a conscious decision to be absent in any type of real participation there. I think if they were emotionally capable of being involved, they would have been - but it just was not there. I don't know if on one of their dying days there will be any regrets that they were not involved more, since they don't believe in life after death and really only live on in our minds. I must sadly conclude that as easy as it would be to criticize their actions, they have given us the best they did have to offer.

Which brings me to being thankful for what I do have - I am self-sufficient now, I am capable of providing for my own family, I work hard, exercise, have no real health problems to speak of, and I feel spiritually connected to the world around me. They put me through school, gave me the model of sticking together as a married couple that has motivated me to stick it out on my own, a lot of what I have I owe to my parents and I have never had to go hungry. I do have a debt to them in spite of the lack of any real family presence now. It is not all bad so to speak. I am not lying at the padded walls of a mental institution as I once expected my life outcome to be. Despite the grief in writing this, overall I would say I am somewhat happy and content with who I am and what I am - and I do owe this to them, so this is not a black and white situation. There are those that starve, are beaten and have no hope and I do not fall into that category - at least not now anyways.

All the same, this subject of loss and mourning has been with me my whole life. I have always longed for a family in the sense of the word described by the article, one where it is a life time commitment and all participate and contribute, where there is a real meaning to the word and sometimes I wish I was Mexican just so I could experience this. As a compromise, I just married one and the closest I can get is living it second hand. As losses go, it may be easier to live with then a loss of limb, loss of sight, or loss of ability to walk on two feet - but make no mistake, it is still a loss anyways and to have any hope that it will ever change is just deceiving. Although we will still be polite, I will never know my younger brother and the events of 30 years ago will haunt him forever - I may have some blame there, but this just will not change. He did make the effort to visit us a few times, but every visit seemed to be cursed with something going wrong time and time again, until it became clear that despite his good intentions, the darkness and anger toward the mean older brother of childhood years will be a permanent mark in his psyche. I just simply will never have a relationship of any kind with him. I wish him well, but that is just the way it is - too bad because we are a lot alike and have a lot to offer each other, but as I find with the entire family, any hope of a real relationship is about as dead as the cold grave stones resting at the cemetery here.

It is overall a time to mourn what I never had and never will have with my family, but just like the ghost of future present in Scrooge, it is also a warning to me that I have to do everything I can to avoid the Cats in the Cradle song and be there for the family I do have. I want to be there for my daughter in a way my parents could not be there for me. I want to be there for life, and God help me if I want to be traveling around the world when and if I am fortunate enough to be alive when she has her own children. I want my own small family to have the closeness and warmth that I never experienced for myself. With time, effort, prayer and a little help from some supernatural powers, just maybe I can make the change in this generation of the cursed family I come from.

Right now I can't read too good

2006-10-22T06:11:00.000-07:00

Don't send me no more letters no
Not unless you mail them
From Desolation Row

Probably going to piss a few people off by saying this - but oh well - here it comes - although I guess I am considered a "blogger" - I don't read anyone else's with any regularity. I have tried to read a few - I just admittedly lose interest pretty quickly. So if the deal is "I read yours if you read mine" - sorry if I am breaking it - but it is hard for me to pretend to be interested in something that doesn't interest me. I mainly do this for myself, knowing that some people - mainly invisible since they rarely admit it - are reading this. The problem is - I usually feel like I have an idea what some are really trying to say and if they just don't spit it out and say it, I just get bored. A lot of members of our American society spend many hours hypnotized by a demonic little box that ask us if we want to be just like someone on TV and then from early on we have this notion that we are supposed to be like that, and then if we aren't like some overpaid model who doesn't know how to act and has a generic personality, than there we believe that something is wrong with us.

So people spend half their lives trying to act like something that some overpaid television writer thought up in some caffeine-nicotine contaminated room, and when we are not those things, we feel like something is wrong with us and SHAME comes along. So what I am getting at is when I see people who are trying so hard to act non-human, act like what they have seen on TV or perceive to be "Normal" it comes across as incredibly one-dimensional, and although I can be Mr. One Dimensional Cheese when I am on an appointment, in my spare time I just don't have much patience for it. I used to watch cheesy shows like Three's Company and think my life was supposed to be like that. Well - my life never has been and never will be like that. My favorite radio show host Jim Rome said that a real life reality show would be some guy coming home every night frustrated that he is not getting laid and drinking himself to sleep every night, because that is a lot more real than anything we are going to see on the devil's favorite box. Not that I believe in the devil, but if he did exist - the television was invented by him. And if does not necessarily have to be TV, but as long as people have a notion of what society says they are suppose to be, an image of perfection that does not exist, than their lives will be ruled by shame and instead of being "themselves" they will try very hard to live up to some idealized notion that does not exist - so long story short - I see this in most blogs I have read - the notion of acting within those confined parameters - so I politely pass by and then rarely come back.

Now people have told me I am a good writer. That is nice to hear and I am humbled by that. I am not sure if I entirely agree with it as we are our own biggest critics, but if people like what I write here - I think one of the reasons is some of the better stuff I have written here is about the idea that it is in fact okay to Show a Little Bit of Emotion. I have written some stuff in some of my more rage consumed moments that might really freak some people out, and Victoria has pointed out more than once that this does not show up here. Well - I don't want to completely freak people out either, and as most of those notions have somewhat passed through my system (although they may show up in a dream from time to time) I don't need to dwell on every dark aspect of my psyche, or cause people who read to worry about me. But I don't dwell on every sexual fantasy, infatuation, spell of depression, anxiety, or anger that comes my way - as most of these things tend to be fleeting - so I don't necessarily walk through society or these blog sites with my exposed penis hanging out of my pants. So I have some constraints myself, and it is hard to write in a place that people will read without being a little self-conscious, a criticism I once came across. I also know that some of the strongest feedback comes when I do just whip it out so to speak, and just get straight to the raw emotion and let the chips fall where they may.

I spent a lot of my Great Depression months about half of my life ago feeling completely ashamed of who I was and hating myself for having emotions of such incredible depth, and I just concluded that the world had no place for anyone who felt those things, which made me conclude that I was not made to live in this world - and I admit - those feelings never entirely go away. But the more it is clear to me that all of us sit down and squeeze out incredibly strained and odorous defecations every night, and that everyone I have come across has some kind of emotional handicap that manifests somehow or another, in some ways it has allowed me to reach the point where I could tear down the wall and just realize it is okay to just express who I am without the world coming to an end. If it offends you or freaks you out, just don't read it. I am okay with who I am for the most part, and even though there are still enough neuroses, anxieties, and unresolved issues to fill up a shrink's office for months non stop, I can still function in spite of it - something I never imagined I could do when I was caught up in my emotional hell 20 years ago, and even though I have not done it by myself - I am proud to have gotten where I am - The Good Lord Willing if He Says I May

I told Victoria who is freaked out about writing that the best way to go about it is just say FUCK IT - this is what I have to say, and I am just going to say it - especially if you have an essay exam and limited time - second guessing and doubting is just going to take up time. Our society is so hung up on education, but Bob Dylan, one of the greatest writers of this time, did not have education beyond high school, and same with Frank Zappa. There is a lot to be said for higher education, as in our society it opens a lot of financial avenues, but in itself - as far as how good you are at whatever you decide to do, it really has nothing to do with it - a BA, BS, Masters or Phd can't make you good at what you do - a lot of our education is a function of how many hoops you can jump through, how far down you can bend over, and how much debt you can get into in the process. So as the least educated member of my family, I really don't spend too much time dwelling on the pecking order status issues that some of us are so caught up in, because I believe in what I do despite the lowly credentials. I think it is great that my brother and brother in law are both pursuing it, I just know it isn't for me and for my wife who is so concerned about her past education, I just believe that as Mavis Staples says in one of her songs "You are never too young, never too old, and it's never too late" to say what you have to say and do what you are going to do, and that none of us are any better or worse than the other when it comes down to it. He ain't no better than you

Dancing fool

2006-10-14T16:48:00.000-07:00

Click here to watch Sara filming me and Zukey dancing to Funkytown

"Dont know much about dancin
Thats why I got this song
One of my legs is shorter than the other
n both my feets too long
course now right along with em
I got no natural rhythm
But I go dancin every night
Hopin one day I might get it right
Im a dancin fool, Im a
Dancin fool
I hear that beat; I jump outa my seat,
But I cant compete, cause Im a
Dancin fool, Im a
Dancin fool"

Frank Zappa

The helping friendly book

2006-10-14T05:46:00.000-07:00

courtesy of Icculus

I don't know why, but the idea for this post has been lurking for a while and I seem to be in procrastination mode. I will at least start it now. I have lots of ideas which I probably won't get to at once, or maybe some will die by the way side, but what comes out will make it here. I am writing about religion - and ultimately - I must emphasize - since I like to use the word "ultimately" so much - MY VIEWS on religion. They are my views, they may not be yours - and I respect that they are my views only, and they may not necessarily be the universal truth that all must abide by. I don't claim to have the answer and state that if you don't believe what I do, that you will spend billions and zillions of years in a hot boiling place - but I do believe that respect for what others believe makes the world a better place to live in at the present time, and that the present is far more important than anything that may or may not follow real life.

I note we often see a debate between science and religion that plays out in the form of evolution vs. creationism. As with any debate, rather than deciding which side is right, I tend to believe that if you zoom in on them close enough, you can come to the conclusion that to a certain degree they are both "the truth" without having to pick sides. To me evolution and creationism have a lot in common. Sure God supposedly created the world in 7 days, but a day's length in itself is never defined, and God - as described in the bible - could have gone about it through evolution as a pretty effective means of getting us where we are. Those are my personal views - that science is in fact the most practical way of accumulating information and can explain more than any piece of religious writing, but that in itself does not mean that science explains everything. It describes how the car works and the machinery contained within pretty well, but the nature of the driver has many questions unanswered. What it does explain though, until I find something else to refute it, I am going along with. If science had a way of explaining our notion of "God" I am sure it would, but science hasn't gotten there - not yet anyways - other than possibly explaining it as a human instinct to believe in something like God.

And speaking of books - I am going to let you in on my book now - consider this my Bible so to speak. You can take as long as you want to read it - you can spend a lifetime reading it - or you can read it in about one second. You will find the contents of the book in the parentheses below - so here goes:

( )

and there it is. Infinity is contained within. Within those parentheses there may be nothing, or there may be room for every book ever written, including the Bible, Koran, whatever your choice of writing may be. In my definition, every book ever written can fall into those parentheses. Stephen King's "The Dark Tower" is just as much a book of God - as "The Bible" - to me anyways, because from my perspective, no one book has the answer. I am not going to buy into something just because a book says it - and if any one book claims to be the answer, by nature I am going to question it. That is not to say that book may have some answers, but as a thinking person, I am going to decide for myself that it is my answer. If one of the 10 Commandments gets changed to:

"Thou shall jump over the nearest cliff"

I am going to have some concerns there. A lot of the 10 Commandments need to be questioned from my point of view. "Honor thy mother and father" - well - I'm sorry - if they deserve to be honored, I've got no problem with it - but if they do something that (theoretically anyways) knocks them off the honor platform, I am not going to give them a free pass just because they are my parents and the book says I should. If my parents were to insult me, molest me, or assault me - should I still honor them anyways, or should I call the police and have them arrested? I could see this commandment getting people into trouble. I also don't buy the Bible's notion that only a man and a woman can be married - I have no problem with homosexuals having the same rights we do and some outdated book of over 2,000 years isn't going to sway me. A lot has changed in 2,000 years and looking back at a book from that age, some of it comes across as outdated and primitive. I am not planning on sacrificing any animals tonight for example, or sending up any "burnt offerings" to please the demanding dude up in the sky looking down on me.

Again - no disrespect to anyone who believes the Bible is 100% the answer - if that is what you want to believe - I can respect you as long as you can respect me, and even if you can't. I just have decided I like thinking for myself, rather than having a book spell it all out for me. A lot of my criticism with religion is that it is used as a crutch. God is asked to do a lot for us and then God may serve as an emotional toilet for us to dump all of our crap into. Of course all of this has been pointed out in an excellent and not too well known book that my buddy John gave me called God Laughs and Plays which he sent me after reading my "Dumb All Over" rant. If I am a sex addict for example, and I decide I am "living in sin" and that I will go from this extreme to only engaging in the act under the holy vows of marriage because this "pleases God" - it seems to me I am placing an awfully heavy burden upon God instead of taking the time to go into therapy or an AA group and understand for myself what has driven me to go these extremes to begin with. I would think swinging from one extreme to the other would have a pendulum effect, with one extreme waiting to follow the other.

The same thought method applies to life after death. I happen to side with believing that it does exist, but I can't know that. It is nice to have that assurance that we will live on - because a book tells us we do, and that as long as we follow the exact instructions of that book, that we will go to Heaven, not only have eternal life but that we will have the eternal life that allows us to be pretty happy on top of death. I don't know of anyone not going through a depression or terminal illness that really wants to die, and I would think most of us are pretty frightened of that. So organized religion plays on our fear by assuring us that as long as we send our cash or donation to their way of thinking, that we can be assured that we will live on. If I had 24 hours to die, I would imagine I would have a good chance of being converted to the religion of choice of the guy who came to see me in my prison cell if he was convincing enough. Are we going to choose to live our lives out of fear and the notion of appeasing that fear, or again - deciding for ourselves what is right? Death scares me too - but part of my faith is believing that whatever is going to happen is the way death, God/dess, or nature intends it - and that is about as much of an answer as I am ever going to have. It may not answer my questions, but it is the best I can do - kind of the way science is.

Personally - I believe in something powerful. I can't walk and drive through some of the most amazing landscaping and wonders of nature without feeling inspired and feeling a sense of wonder. My own book - the empty book - explains it about as well as anything can - because I find the more I try to explain it, the further away I get from it. Why for example do so many "bad" things happen in the world - well I don't know. I know I have been pretty lucky in comparison to those starving to death or suffering hell in a concentraction camp. Why it happens to some, and not to others - I can't explain. Nobody deserves those things - at least I believe that. I can't live my life believing that we are all chemicals and particles, the way some atheists can - because I do believe that we are spirit as well. An atheist is taking just as much of a leap of faith in saying there is no God, as a religious person who says there is - because on either side of the equation, you are making a decision based on faith that something this powerful does or does not exist. Science can't prove it either way, other than to say that no scientific tools have proven God does exist. I choose to believe that we have some element of spirt, or God/dess within us all - and that is far as I will go. I can't try to explain something that can't be explained, and I cannot prove it either. On faith I believe it is there and in believing that, my life is richer, but my faith cannot assure me exactly what will happen in my dying moments. I will probably be pretty scared - but maybe in the face of that fear some faith will kick in and I will be calm as well. I at least hope so. Buddhist writer of "Tibetan Book of Living and Dying" states that our biggest test is how we face our death, and that we must spend our life preparing for that moment.

If I take a little from all religions I have come across and studied - the One God concept of Judeo-Christianity, the meditative and introspective aspect of Buddhism, the harm none concept of Wicca-Paganism, combined with the questioning and evidence gathering nature of science - somewhere in all of that is an answer. My writings here are just as much the writings of God as the Bible to me - in that I see us all as individuals cells of something God-like, and once it is written - whatever it is that is written - it becomes part of the infinite "Helping Friendly Book" to speak.

A whole other realm woften ties into religion - morals and ethics. I have my own beliefs what is right and wrong. I don't think that a lot of good comes out of taking a human life for example, but a cow might call me a big hypocrite for eating one of their dead brethren the other night - and who am I to say what is right to me is right for everyone? Maybe we do kill each other out of some biological instinct to limit our population. I am not planning on doing it any time soon, or at all - because I have decided it is not going to help me or others. Again - the 10 Commandments provide a lot of order for us, but what is right and wrong makes a lot more sense if we come up with it on our own, instead of believing in it because some book tells us to. Whatever you may agree or disagree with here is your decision, but I wouldn't tell you to believe it just because I wrote it. As the shirt says "God is too big to fit inside one religion". My own view on religion comes down to three words - think for yourself. Don't believe it because it is written, believe it because it makes sense to you. And of course...

Believe it if you need it if you don't just pass it on.

2006-10-10T21:49:00.000-07:00

Laugh and laughing...

2006-10-10T21:48:00.001-07:00

Fall apart

2006-10-10T21:48:00.000-07:00

Check out my new umbrella

2006-10-10T21:47:00.001-07:00

Delilah was a woman...